The Selfish Versions of Each Enneagram Type
Let’s face it – we all get selfish. No need to sugarcoat it. But depending on your Enneagram type, selfishness shows up in different flavors. Many times when we’re being selfish, we don’t even realize our motivations; instead, we’re moving on autopilot. Becoming aware of the signs that we’re being selfish can help us to course-correct and avoid hurting relationships. Think of it like the rumble strip on the side of the road; if you see these behaviors in yourself you can swerve back into the right frame of mind.
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The Selfish Versions of Each Enneagram Type
1. The Perfectionist (Type 1)
Selfish mode: “I’m right, you’re wrong. End of story.”
Unhealthy Ones can get caught up in their own moral high ground. They know the “right” way to do things, and if you don’t follow suit, well, good luck. They’ll criticize or control to make sure things stay on their perfect track, forgetting that maybe, just maybe, they aren’t always right. In their minds, they’re sacrificing and doing all the “right” work, while everyone else is getting in the way. But selfishly they want to control everything in their environment and struggle to let go.
How to avoid it: I know it’s hard, but take a breather. Not everything needs a rulebook. Try letting people have their own (less “perfect”) way of doing things once in a while, and let yourself off the hook a little too. The world won’t implode. I know this is going to seem counterintuitive, but practice being present with the way things are, rather than how you feel they “should” be.
2. The Helper (Type 2)
Selfish mode: “Look at everything I’ve done for you. Now love me!”
Twos love helping, but when they’re in selfish mode, it’s not really about you – it’s about getting love and validation back. They’ll guilt-trip or manipulate to make sure others notice their efforts, and heaven help you if you don’t acknowledge it.
How to avoid it: Help people because you want to, not because you want acknowledgment in return. And set aside 1-2 hours each week to get to know yourself and your own likes and dislikes. You’ll feel better, and people will like you for you, not your favors.
3. The Achiever (Type 3)
Selfish mode: “Look at my successes – I’m a winner.”
Unhealthy Threes can get so wrapped up in their image that they forget there’s more to life than looking successful. They’ll do whatever it takes to stay on top, sometimes bulldozing others to get there. It’s all about winning and being the best, no matter the cost. Why? Because underneath this drive for success is a deep, penetrating fear of being unworthy.
How to avoid it: Take a breather and ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. Is it about impressing others, about being “enough”, or is it because you are genuinely excited to do something? Ask yourself what qualities in yourself you’d like to emulate that don’t rely on achievement or performance or image? Practice getting to know who you really are outside of your actions, tasks, and image.
4. The Individualist (Type 4)
Selfish mode: “Nobody gets me, and that’s your problem.”
Unhealthy Fours fixate on the darker sides of their personality, the ways they aren’t “enough”, or the ways they are different from others. When they’re in a selfish spiral, they become self-absorbed. They’ll wallow in their emotions, expecting everyone else to be on some other plane – incapable of understanding them. This puts them in a position where they can’t see people for who they really are, and fail to empathize with others, focusing only on their own feelings.
How to avoid it: Other people have feelings, too. You know this rationally, but at times, you can feel trapped and alone in your own world. Ask people if they’ve ever felt what you’re feeling or something similar. Read biographies of other people. Creatively express your feelings and get them out of your system, but realize they’re all connected to the universal human experience. You’re not alone. Try stepping outside your head and connecting with others, even if they don’t “get” you. Spoiler: they probably do more than you think.
5. The Investigator (Type 5)
Selfish mode: “I don’t have time for you – I’m too busy thinking.”
Fives love their alone time, but when they’re selfish, they hoard it like gold. They’ll retreat into their minds, keeping others at arm’s length and acting like they’re too smart or too tired to deal with anyone else’s nonsense.
How to avoid it: Did you know there are scientific reasons to connect with other people? Positive relationships improve our immune system, blood pressure, and even healing after an injury. I know you’re all about logic and objectivity so I was hoping that speaking science at you might have an effect. Is it working? You don’t have to share your deepest thoughts right away, but maybe grab coffee with a friend or answer a text once in a while. Your brain will survive.
6. The Loyalist (Type 6)
Selfish mode: “I’m freaking out, and you need to fix it.”
Unhealthy Sixes can get trapped in a loop of anxiety and need constant reassurance from others. When they’re selfish, they’ll lean too hard on people for support, and their panic can become your problem – like now.
How to avoid it: It may seem difficult, but take time to listen to your own inner guidance. Your mind is filling your head with worries and ‘what if’ scenarios, but what about your own heart? Try breathing deeply, calming your body, and focusing on being present. When you feel trapped inside your head it can be a terrifying experience, and one of the easiest ways out is through your senses. Think about what you see, hear, and feel. Walk on the grass and feel the earth under your feet, every blade of grass, every speck of soil. Each sensory detail will help bring you into the present rather than fixating on future worst-case scenarios. Then breathe deeply. This calming practice can help your mind to stop releasing the stress hormones that are filling you with dread.
7. The Enthusiast (Type 7)
Selfish mode: “Let’s do something fun – and by ‘fun,’ I mean what I want to do.”
Sevens are always chasing the next thrill, but when they’re selfish, they’ll drag everyone along on their adventures, with no regard for what anyone else wants. Boredom is the enemy, and they’ll leave you in the dust to avoid it.
How to avoid it: Slow down and take some time to cultivate inner calmness. Rather than racing through life looking for the next distraction, let yourself be still and breathe deeply. Try to find joy in the present moment, and in the small things that give life meaning. Practice listening to what others want, how they feel, and really listen. The world won’t end if you sit still for five minutes – promise.
8. The Challenger (Type 8)
Selfish mode: “My way or the highway.”
Eights can get a little… intense. When they’re unhealthy or selfish, they steamroll others to stay in control and protect themselves. They hate feeling weak, so they’ll push everyone around to make sure they’re on top.
How to avoid it: Acceptance of your own vulnerability is key for you as an Eight. Slow down and take stock of the feelings “underneath” the outer anger and intensity. Are you worried about being controlled? Do you feel like you’re being manipulated? Are you being reminded of a situation in the past that wasn’t good for you? Write it down on a piece of paper or in a journal if you can. Write the outer instinct (i.e. “I’m furious”), then write the reasons (“because I feel at risk of betrayal, because I don’t trust, because the other person is being cagey”), then write down the facts (“they looked at me funny, there was an inconsistency in what they said”), and then come up with ways to handle this without intimidating or giving into anger. And look at your “facts” section. Are there underlying patterns that lead you to get angry that are based on past patterns more than actual fact?
9. The Peacemaker (Type 9)
Selfish mode: “I’m going to avoid this problem forever – you deal with it.”
Nines hate conflict, but when they’re in selfish mode, they’ll avoid it at all costs, even if it means they never address real issues that impact everyone. They’ll act passive, but their avoidance creates more problems, confusion, or pain for everyone. This can look like avoiding talking about a sensitive issue with a spouse, only to resent them and grow distanced from them because the issue was never addressed or resolved. This could lead to misunderstandings staying just that: misunderstandings. It can look like neglecting severe issues that are potentially impacting others besides yourself because you don’t want to be “the bad guy.”
How to avoid it: Face the music. Avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away. Start small, but start somewhere. You’ll feel a lot lighter once you get used to speaking your truth, resolving issues, and taking ownership of your true voice.
What Do You Think?
Have you experienced these bouts of selfishness? I know I have! We’re human and we can’t be perfect all the time. We all have our weaker moments, but knowing the signs that we’re veering into selfish territory can help us to grow past these negative patterns. What do you think? Let me know in the comments!
Find out even more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
What You Craved As a Child, Based On Your Enneagram Type
Here’s What You Notice Right Away, Based On Your Enneagram Type
How Each Enneagram Type Guards Their Hearts
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