10 Things ESFJs Need in a Relationship
If you’re in a relationship with an ESFJ or you are an ESFJ, you’ve probably realized that relationships aren’t just important—they’re everything. As an MBTI® practitioner, I’ve had the honor of working with countless ESFJs, and over time, I’ve noticed that they have a few core needs in relationships that, when met, make them truly shine. Let’s dive into what makes an ESFJ feel loved, understood, and connected.
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10 Things ESFJs Need in a Relationship
1. Clarity
ESFJs like to know where they stand. Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a close friendship, they are happiest when things are clear and stable. Ambiguity can feel unsettling. One ESFJ I worked with became frustrated because her INTP partner wouldn’t commit to making plans for the future. The lack of clarity about the direction of their relationship left her feeling anxious and uncertain. So, if you’re with an ESFJ, be open and transparent about where things are headed.
2. Reliability
Being reliable is deeply important to ESFJs. I know several ESFJs personally who broke up with their partners because of chronic lateness. They weren’t so upset that their time was wasted, they were upset that they felt like an afterthought. If you say you’re going to do something, follow through on it. Whether it’s being on time or remembering a small promise you made weeks ago, reliability is key. ESFJs deeply appreciate knowing they can count on you when things get tough.
3. Empathy
ESFJs are hard-wired to understand and care about how others are feeling. In return, they need a partner who shows empathy and compassion. Maybe this isn’t your forte, and that’s okay. I know so many ESFJs who are married to introverted thinking types so I know they don’t need partners who are really emotionally effusive. But try putting yourself in their shoes, echo back their feelings to them, actively listen (put down the phone!) and show them that their feelings matter to you.
4. Gentle Affection
Physical and emotional affection is essential to an ESFJ’s sense of connection. Gentle touches, thoughtful gestures, and loving words mean the world to them. But they also need to know that the affection is genuine. Give their hand a squeeze when you know they feel awkward, offer a warm hug when they’re down, or let them know something you admire about them by writing it on a sticky note and putting it on their mirror!
5. Emotional Intimacy and Connection
ESFJs don’t just want surface-level conversations. They’re happiest when they can share their innermost thoughts and feelings with their partner. And they want you to share, too! The more details the better.
6. Tactfulness
Being considerate and tactful is a must. ESFJs are all about creating harmony in their relationships, and careless or thoughtless words can really hurt. I once knew an ESFJ who walked out on a date with someone she had a major crush on—simply because he wasn’t saying “thank you” to the waitstaff. For her (and for all ESFJs), lack of manners is a glaring a red flag.
7. Shared Values
Values matter, plain and simple. ESFJs are deeply committed to their beliefs and want a partner who respects and shares them. This doesn’t mean you have to agree on everything, but there needs to be mutual respect for each other’s core beliefs.
8. Commitment
When an ESFJ commits to someone, they give it their all. In return, they need to feel that their partner is just as committed to them. This is where loyalty and trust come in. I personally have never met an ESFJ who has thrived in a casual, no-strings-attached relationship. They might enjoy it for a blip but then the uncertainty of it all eventually gets under their skin and makes them really stressed out.
9. Special Routines and Traditions
ESFJs find joy in creating special routines or traditions with their partner. It could be as simple as having a weekly movie night or as meaningful as watching the sunrise every Saturday while sharing donuts (yes, I know an ESFJ who does this!). These rituals create a sense of shared history and connection.
10. Words of Affirmation
Verbal affirmation goes a long way with ESFJs. They love hearing that they’re appreciated and that their efforts to care for you haven’t gone unnoticed. A simple, “I love how thoughtful you are,” can make their day.
Relationship Do’s and Don’ts for Being with an ESFJ
Relationship Do’s:
- Follow through on your word.
- Be polite and considerate of others.
- Show empathy and understanding.
- Share your thoughts and feelings openly.
- Respect their belongings and space.
Relationship Don’ts:
- Don’t ignore their need for open communication
- Don’t disrespect their values.
- Don’t talk down to them or belittle their emotions.
- Don’t leave their space a mess.
- Don’t show up late for dates or important events.
The Kryptonite of an ESFJ: Avoiding Conflict
One of the biggest challenges I’ve seen for ESFJs in relationships is their tendency to avoid conflict. They love harmonious relationships and tend to avoid conflict and being direct and blunt when there’s a problem.
I worked with an ESFJ-INFP couple where the ESFJ was often frustrated with the INFP’s lack of planning, but instead of discussing it openly, she vented to friends. This created a whirlwind of drama, frustration, and conflict that she could have avoided if she’d just been up front about the problems she was dealign with. ESFJs, it’s okay to be clear about what’s bothering you in a relationship. Addressing conflicts head-on can be the catalyst for growth and understanding in your relationship. Remember, disharmony is sometimes necessary to build a more honest, strong connection with your partner.
What Do You Think?
Do you have any thoughts, insights, or stories to share? Let us and other readers know in the comments! Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
Understanding ESFJ Rage: A Look at ESFJ Anger
24 Signs That You’re an ESFJ, the Defender Personality Type
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