10 Things You Should Never Say to an INFP
INFPs are known for being patient, passionate, and caring individuals. If you open many typology books you’ll read about how they are accepting, open-minded and sincere. Even so, there are certain phrases that really get on their nerves. They may not over-react or call someone out when careless words are spoken, but they will gradually put up guards against people who are condescending, cruel, or belittling. According to neuroscience, INFPs show high activity in brain regions that process verbal expression and language to find specific words fitting a situation. They don’t just spew out the first thoughts that come to their mind; they are careful and conscientious. Because they are so careful with how they speak, it can be frustrating for them to live in a world where few other people consider their words as carefully. So without further ado, here are some phrases you should never say to an INFP.
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10 Things You Should Never Say to an INFP
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“You’re Being Too Emotional”
INFPs lead with a process called Introverted Feeling (Fi). Fi is deeply emotional, but it’s also deeply private (hence it’s introverted direction). INFPs are strongly affected by troubles in the world, by cruelty, bullying, or harsh words. They may seem more emotionally impacted than other types; however, because they prefer to keep their emotions more private they also feel frustrated when their reactions show. Saying they’re feeling something “too strongly” is a sure way to frustrate them and build walls in your communication. If they’re being emotional because they are stirred by something and they are trying to make a point, trying to downplay their values or their passion will only wreak havoc on your relationship with them. If they are speaking up about something that moves them emotionally it’s time to listen; condescension will get you nowhere.
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“You’re Too Naive”
Healthy, balanced INFPs have a moral integrity that is hard to corrupt or change. They believe in being true to their values and standing up for their beliefs and ideals. They have no desire to gossip or make jokes at other people’s expense and they are deeply affected by cruelty and corruption in the world. Certain people misinterpret their idealism as weakness or naivety, when it is anything but. INFPs are often more than aware of the harsh realities of the world. But they choose to hope for something better for themselves and for the future. Trying to change them or to “educate” them on the ways of the world will just seem condescending.
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“Don’t Take This Personally”
Prefacing an insult or critique by saying “don’t take this personally” will only make INFPs feel belittled and irritated. INFPs are more than happy to get constructive criticism, but it needs to be done in a way that isn’t patronizing. Zen habits has an amazing article on how to give constructive criticism kindly.
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“Life’s Not Fair”
They already know this. Pointing this out really doesn’t help. To be honest, does anyone actually like hearing this?
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“Stop Trying to Find a Deeper Meaning”
INFPs are programmed to find deeper meanings. They look for symbolism, patterns, and connections between ideas that build to a holistic understanding of the universe. They truly enjoy finding deeper significance behind real-life scenarios, music, movies, and storylines. Taking the depth, the mystery, and the gravity away from things is unnatural to them.
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“Get Your Head Out of the Clouds”
INFPs are known for their vivid imaginations and their longing to explore new theoretical ideas and avenues of thought. They have a childlike wonder about the world and about possibilities in it. Some people feel it’s their duty to “bring them down to earth” and force them to confront the concrete realities of daily life. This kind of patronizing tone completely ignores the imaginative and creative gifts that INFPs bring to life.
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“You Wouldn’t Understand”
INFPs yearn to understand and to “get in the shoes” of other people. Don’t dismiss their concerns or input without giving them a chance to at least try to understand. They are exceptional listeners.
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“Because I Said So”
Adhering to a rule or demand just because an authority figure “says so” isn’t natural for an INFP. They need reasons, especially if their conscience conflicts with the directions given. Because INFPs have a strongly value-focused function (introverted feeling) and because they think outside the box (via extraverted intuition) they’re likely to question and confront ideas that seem rigid, don’t feel right, or don’t align with what they believe in.
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“You’re Just Like This Other Person…”
INFPs are very individualistic people. They believe that everyone has a unique personality and that people shouldn’t be compared or held up to a pre-ordained set of standards. They try not to compare people and they dislike it when people compare them.
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“Lighten Up!”
INFPs are extremely passionate, idealistic individuals and they believe in making a difference in the world around them. They often have a cause or belief they fight for and they are intensely focused on this cause. They have a hard time enjoying superficial pleasures or ignoring the pains of others. “Lightening up” can feel empty to them. They want to just be allowed to be who they are; whether that’s serious, playful, imaginative, solemn, sad, or exuberant!
The INFP and Stress
What Do You Think?
Do these phrases bother you? Do you have any other ideas of what not to say? Let me know in the comments!
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I’m told all of these things….constantly.
I feel kinda bad now. I’ve told an infp friend these things before and now we don’t really talk much….,
As an INFP, if you truly apologize, your INFP friend will most likely open themselves back up to you.
Oh my goodness… YES! I am told these so often.
“Be quiet!” Is another frustrating one. As INFP when you say something it’s because you thought you were “in a safe place” to say it o because you really worked your self to say it because so think it’s important to do so.
Yup! Been the receiver of these words! The fact that I believe in synchronicity etc just makes people think I’m weird, dippy. Naive and weak, vulnerable etc. It tends to attract manipulative behavior too jn my experience sadly. Sometimes I do feel that I need to get more logical but I am what I am! I’m constantly surprised at how rare we really are to be honest! Its not easy!
“You think too much” is something I’ve been told more than once. To which I reply, “Maybe you don’t think enough”.
oh my god. yes.
Playing games with my brothers, they found out they can get an extreme reaction from me by accusing me of doing something underhanded or “shady”. I consider myself a very considerate and fair person, so being accused of selfishness really gets my goat!
Telling me to keep something to myself and not tell anyone. I hate gossip but if I feel strongly that someone needs to know what I have been told then I tell them, I have to be true to my own compass not anyone or even everyone else.
What do you say infp?
I’m not as sensitive as this makes us sound, but I do feel strongly when people question my character or my ability to understand.
As an INFP female, I realize that I am a rarity and that the average person cannot understand my depth of personality and feeling. That being said, I find that people say things out of ignorance and a lack of understanding and I have to cut them some slack and not waste my energy!
The majority of these are accurate for this INFP!
#9 is only partially fair. Any infp who understands the myers briggs theory should know that there are other infps in the world, and actually like to try to find these to connect with. Most people say opposites attract, but what deep-feeling freedom-loving person wouldnt want to rant and share ideas with another deep-feeling freedom-loving person? Sure, we don’t like categorizing and prejudging people, but we do like to compare and understand the other personality types and who belongs to which group, especially since the mb theory describes us so well.
#8 Big time! I had to laugh when I saw that.
I’m a solid male INFP that’s in the Fall Season of my earthly life. This information has been such a relief to me in realizing that I’m really not flawed and/or crazy for the past 60+ years. So many things seem much clearer to me however it would be great to connect with other like persons who would “understand “. Thank you…
Also, don’t call us normal.
If anybody says “You seem like a nice person” to me it immediately sends up a red flag. Usually it means—u r an easy mark!
This is spot on- it’s like someone finally understood what I’ve been trying so long to say- emotions run deep and some people aren’t careful not to hurt others.
It kind of bothers me if people tell me that I’m taking things they say too seriously. Its really hard to tell when someone is joking or not unless they give obvious hints in their vocal tonality. I don’t want to be the person that laughs at everything and ends up laughing at the wrong things, you know?
I always had very weak functionality at school, college and graduate school while I was always known as a smart student. The reason was that I only spent time for thinking about the material which was exciting to me. Unfortunately, illness took me out of reality completely. Now in my family I’m just a sick member, not respected as before, the one whose life should be programmed by others and whose imaginations are delusions and out of reach. I really get hurt when I hear these things from them.
Not so much what people say, but I work for several dominant Ne types, and what drives me crazy is, “let’s work on this some more” when I present a finished project they ask for. While on the one hand I really value how open, accepting, and visionary they are, it makes my stomach jump to know that whatever they ask me to do will eventually be completely dismantled and thrown out in favor of something else they decide on the spot will be better. It doesn’t hurt my feelings; rather, it gives me anxiety that my work never seems done! Plus, I sometimes wonder where I stand with them — on the one hand, they must value my contribution, since they ask a lot of me, but on the other hand, I can never be sure if I am on the same page as them. Moreover, I take my work seriously and am a perfectionist so it’s not like I don’t invest a lot of time and energy in what I do for them. I just want to get our work done! I am not like this at home, where I don’t care if anything gets done. Seems so odd that auxiliary Ne would run so counter to dominant Ne. I just lose patience when they drop things like a hot potato and pivot elsewhere. Sometimes I just want to say, hey, let’s try my way and just have faith I might be right for once. (Of course, I never say that, but if they throw out a guess that aligns with what I think will work, I pounce on that and try to do it before they can change their minds.) Any thoughts? Thanks.
“It is what it is” … can not stand to hear someone say that.
Wow! Amazing!Thank you so much! You revealed the truth smoothly! It’s eye-opening!
how does that make you feel…..god i hate that phrase….thereipists say that alot…so i just go….”so? how do you think that makes me feel?! use your dam common sence thats what i go to you for…i pay you,you idiot…” trust me…they HATE that but yet avoid asking that question….
I can’t stand when I open up to someone and they tell me that that’s how everybody feels and that I need to follow the crowd. I’m not them and I’m not talking about them. I’m stating how I feel.
1. “Look, we’re both adults…” or “You’re an adult, just spit it out”….????:
That small-minded phrase, said during a disagreement or misunderstanding, is so condescending, so demeaning and it just makes me feel so DONE with trying to communicate.
2. Answering a question with another question: Its not a phrase, but this stresses me out to an embarrassing extreme, especially when I’m trying to gain insight into and explore with somebody I trust enough to share my time with and make the effort of getting to know. It makes me feel stifled and on edge and yes DONE ????????.
This article was on point, thank you for that validation cuz I thought I was going nuts! ❤❤❤
Everything this kind soul had addressed is really true to me. Especially when someone says, “stop overthinking” I kind of get depressed because I take it as, “stop thinking”. Recently, while preparing for my examinations (which I feel unmotivated for) my teacher told me that, and I felt like crying. Also, just wondering, when you’re stressed, do you guys feel like you’re an INFJ? I took a test when I was stressed and the result was INFJ.
My pet peeves when someone:
(i) calls me “Dear” even when we are just mere acquaintances or even stranger eg. salesperson
(ii) tells me i “think too much”
(iii) says I’m being “too sensitive”
(iv) use the word “you” when making negative examples/statements when they are not even refering to me
(v) tells me to “grow up”
I got mad just reading this! All of these things are so true- if you were to tell me any of these things it would take me a long time to get over it. (INFP)
“ . They believe that everyone has a unique personality and that people shouldn’t be compared or held up to a pre-ordained set of standards.”
Are there people who don’t think this? Have they ever met their personality double?
I don’t like being called a pet name by store clerks and other casual acquaintances — and nor do I do that to others. Seems so condescending! I used to work with someone in the service industry who always got the best survey scores, no matter how impatient and annoyed she became with customers, because she always ended the transaction with, “all right, Darling. You have a great day!” Meanwhile her genuinely nice, but less saccharine, co-worker got terrible scores. (shrug.) We all used to sorta chuckle about it, but it still baffles me. I didn’t work there long enough to start getting scored by surveys. I can only imagine how I would have fared!
“Lighten up” irritates me the most. I just want to say, maybe you should stop being so frivolous and get real.
i hate it when people tell me I am being “pessimistic” when I just think out loud exploring what could possibly happen and how I would handle that situation. It doesn’t always mean I truely believe it’s going to happen, I just mentally prepare for as many situations as possible.
Or when I am being sad that they want me to act happy all the time, even though embracing sadness is just my way of coping. And I actually enjoy melancholy.
One last thing to add: I can hang in there for years with incompatible people: long after most would have had the good sense to walk away already. However, if someone tells me to grow up, I know right away that they aren’t someone I can take seriously. It’s over right then and there if I can help it. I will still be nice, unless something really heinous has happened.
I actually don’t get too bothered by conparison to other prople, usually. I find it’s a nice way to empathize and get to know the intricacies in others around me with a more relatable. This may of course be the writer in me, because I am constantly seeking similarities to compare and contrast with the characters I create and the people I know. Perhaps that is the difference? Discussing the contrast in addition to the likenesses.
Everything else on this list absolutely got my blood boiling. I’m especially glad that the “too emotional” one was #1 as that is absolutely my biggest pet peeve. We are humans. Emotions are inherent function of humanity. So annoying.
Same, I don’t mind being compared because I can see something new in myself I didn’t realize
I hate the “you wouldn’t understand” I get told this way too often
These are very accurate for me but I have to elaborate on point #4, “Life’s Not Fair.” To be more specific, it’s the phrase “Who says life is fair” that infuriates me because it is generally said as a reprimand, as though it’s a crime to care about life’s injustices.
I am utterly amazed at how accurate your studies outline the characteristics of the personalities. I can only speak for myself of course but, as an INFP you are spot -on!
I just wish my self understandings had been so affirmed by all this knowledge …… years ago thereby saving myself unnecessary self doubt when ” advised in all sorts of ways by well meaning people who regarded me as ” too different to survive living in the “real” world. However, better late than never. Thank you very much!
Best wishes ,
Fran
As an INFP I cannot stand “it is what it is.” I find it thoughtless and lazy.
Another phrase that I am angered by is I’m sorry you feel that way…I.e. my feelings aren’t valid or a consideration. Also, the person that uses that statement most likely lacks empathy.
I’m sure I have more but I’ll end with I can’t stand when discussing something personal the other person devalues what you’re sharing by comparing it to others. Or a situation and the other person says well we didn’t allow so and so to do that so you can’t. What are we children? And we aren’t talking about other people right now. Stick to the topic at hand and evaluate it. If a situation is similar to another it doesn’t mean that it should be cut and dry the same outcome. Each situation should be evaluated as is and not compared.
Ugh, that phrase (“it is what it is”) is truly irksome!
What annoys me is when I tell people something I deal with a lot from others and they go “that’s not true.” They then proceed to either give excuses as to why I’m totally not being mistreated, or my favorite, they start blaming me for the situation.
I would like to know how it is that one can know what’s going on in somebody else’s life when they don’t even pay attention to them but ok. That totally makes sense.🙄
Thank you, I appreciate informative information and after reading what you educated me with has helped greatly understand who I am. Agreed with all ten , number 11 would be when someone I hardly know says
“ trust me “
“Things have always been this way, so nothing you do is gonna change things.”
“Why do you have to be weird.”
“Don’t go rocking the boat./Don’t make waves.”
I have this INFP cousin (I am ENFP) thanks for letting me know what NOT to say to her!
Thank you for all your emails and comments. I can acknowledge my own frustrations when all of these comments have been made to me. This helps me to be aware of myself and respond in a proactive way instead of reacting in a non helpful way. Every time I read your material, I am very thankful for your many insights into personality types or tendencies.
Very accurate! One of the most accurate lists I’ve seen (hard to admit since I’m in a group that hates to be compartmentalized😂). I also hate when people tell me “you HAVE to try…” or “you HAVE to go to…” when they are recommending something. I hate how demanding it is. Seems a bit silly to get annoyed when people are trying to be nice and suggest something but the fact they think they know me well enough to insist I HAVE to do something because they liked it so they assume I’ll be into it also. I don’t HAVE to do anything! And the people who do this always seem to be the people who haven’t paid enough attention or listened to me well enough to even know what I like. Why can’t they say “I really enjoyed (such and such), you might also.”
Ohhhh, you’re so right. My “favorite” is similar to yours – i truly hate it when people give me something with “you will love it”. ’cause, nope, now i wouldn’t, now all I’m thinking is that you think you can decide for me what i like. And my friends, i asked them not to do this and usually they’re trying, i can see it. But my sister! She’s the one who surprises me with her believing that what she likes is what i like without questions. And even though i asked her too not to assume that she knows my likings (sometimes even I don’t!), she still do this ugh
I can’t stand the phrase “Grow Up”
“Get a grip”
“Hurry up!”
“You’re too much for people”
“Why can’t you just be normal”
“Why do you half to be so detailed and or specific with everything!”
“True love doesn’t exist”
“The world doesn’t work that way, live with it!”
“Why are you so slow”
Or the worst one, “use your brain!”
These cut deep for me.
Those bother me too. Along with ” That’s not the way to be” and if someone acts like a jerk and you’re about to call them out on it, someone stops you and says ” That’s just how they are.” Maybe the mean person would reconsider their words or actions if someone called them out.
Yes all of these. Then condescending people have the audacity to expect an explanation as to why they are no longer a part of my life. What’s worse than general comparison you’re just like Bob for instance. The other type why can’t you be more like Bob or Anna? Well idiot because Bob and Anna are individuals. They’re not me. I appreciate people who are also considered weird. I suppose that’s why I can only think of four doctors in my life who really stand out from the crowd. Weird people with easy compatibility.