10 Things You Should Never Say to an INTJ
Ever wondered how to communicate effectively with an INTJ? We all want to have better communication with the people we care about, right? Sometimes statements that seem harmless to us can really get on other people’s nerves. When it comes to conversation there are certain phrases that really bother some types more than others. I’ve spoken with over three hundred INTJs to determine which phrases bother them the most, and after tallying up their responses I came up with 10 statements that will almost always get a negative result. Let’s take a look!
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10 Things You Should Never Say to an INTJ
#1 – “You Don’t Know What You’re Talking About”
If an INTJ has taken the time to make a statement, chances are they’ve thought it through pretty carefully first. As dominant introverted intuitives, they tend to process and analyze things thoroughly before speaking up. It’s better to ask for clarification if you’re confused, or agree to disagree, instead of accusing them that they just “don’t know” what they’re saying.
#2 – “You Think Too Much”
INTJs are very thought-intensive people. Analyzing recharges them and allows them to get some of their great innovative ideas. Telling them to stop doing that would be tantamount to telling an artist “You draw too much!”
#3 – “You Need to Lighten Up!”
INTJs tend to be on the serious side, but that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Isaac Newton and Nikola Tesla were INTJs, and I doubt anyone gave them a hard time for being serious (or maybe they did, who knows). I’ve known plenty of INTJs with a sense of humor, but nobody appreciates being forced into phony cheerfulness, especially not INTJs.
#4 – “You Can’t Do That”
Being stuck, limited, or controlled in any way is extremely frustrating for an INTJ. If you tell them they can’t do something chances are they will try to prove you just how much they can do that exact thing.
#5 – “You Should Smile More”
Authenticity is a big deal to INTJs. Don’t expect a smile unless they actually feel like it’s genuine and honest. Smiling and engaging in social pleasantries “just because” isn’t in their nature.
#6 – “Because This is How It’s Always Been Done”
INTJs are pioneers of new methods and generally shun traditional practices or rules. To the INTJ, just because something has always been done one way doesn’t mean that’s the best way. INTJs aim to perfect existing systems or else create new systems altogether.
#7 – “You Need to Go Out More”
INTJs are extremely independent and rely on alone time and peace and quiet to access their intuitive insights and thoughts. They need a lot of alone time to feel fulfilled and de-stressed, so try not to pressure them into too many social engagements if they’re not interested.
#8 – “I Just Decided to Pop Over!”
If there’s one thing that will instantly make an INTJ’s hair stand on end, it’s telling them you’re going to make a “surprise” visit! If you want to drop by unexpectedly you’ll need a good reason, and you’ll still want to text and ask permission first. INTJs like their social engagements planned out ahead of time and spontaneous interruptions are a major stressor for them.
#9 – “Here, Let Me Show You How It’s Done”
If you’re feeling especially confident and patronizing, it’s better not to show it to an INTJ. Give them a chance to do things their way before you step in and try to take control.
#10 – “That’ll Never Happen”
INTJs are known for their sudden, uncanny insights into how things will play out. They are master strategists and very good at anticipating future events. Think long and hard before calling out one of their predictions! You may find your words coming back to haunt you later.
What Are Your Thoughts?
Do these statements bother you? Are there any others you would add? Share your thoughts in the comments!
Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer, and The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
When INTJs Loop – Understanding the Ni-Fi Loop
Are You An INTJ or an ISTJ? Clarifying a Common Mistype
How to Communicate Effectively with Any Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
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As an INTJ, I wholly agree.
6 and 9 are the worst for sure!!
All these things are a yes to me. The worst one for me is “because this is how it’s always been done” what a way to fire me up.
spot on.
Smile more, popping over, and being trapped are cold sweat moments for sure.
Yes to all
I started planning a whole essay and break down in my head before I realized ‘What are your thoughts?’ was a question and not one of the listed annoyances!
All legit, but my number one is “Can I ask you a favor?” No. No you may not ask me a favor. F your favors. The end.
I agree with all of them, but comments about smiling are not just annoying but rude. As far as I’m concerned it’s just as rude as commenting that someone needs to brush their teeth or comb their hair.
Yes, agreed.
Another: “I just want to pick your brain.”
So, you want to waste my time? Um, no.
I allow someone to pick my brain if they are at least as smart as me and I can pick their brain at a future time.
Those are pretty spot on another is “Your point is invalid”. Again. If I am making an effort to say something I have thought it through quite a bit and have been very logical with my thoughts.
So!
I used to be enraged when finally saying something, people would tell me “But, did you think about this and that?”. Most of the time (all the time?) those “this” and “that” would be stuff i told myself the first two seconds of thinking. Very irritating and i have to admit also insulting to me.
But now i manage my surprise/anger/disbelief when that happened.
Spot on!
You don’t talk much do you?
My reply was, that’s probably not the best way to start a conversation.
One glaring omission, “You’re missing the big picture”. Attempted gaslighting, usually uttered by some detail-oriented thinker who’s placed a greater importance on the two points they considered than the forty points you came up with.
Personally, the ones about “lighting up” or “smiling more” don’t bother me that much as well as “just decided to pop over” because for an INTJ, I’m really spontanous. But I agree about the others, especially 1, 4, 6, 9, and 10. Those are the ones that degrade my intelligence, that accuse me of just “wanting to be right” and not caring about the truth. Or, in case of number six, it’s no argument on logic, which makes it invalid for me. By the way, another sentence that would fit here is “end of discussion” or something. Because I don’t know about you other INTJs, but no, the discussion is over if either we found out what’s true or agreed to disagree because it’s a real opinion question, not if you aren’t able to come up with logical arguments anymore although this isn’t a matter of opinion.
YES. And:
YES. And:
“That’s not your opinion/idea/belief, that’s just what everyone has told you to think.” Right… because I strike you as the type of person that doesn’t know how to take an idea or tradition and consider it fully before agreeing to be on board.
“You have a question? Let me repeat back to you everything I’ve already said.” Um, I was listening the first time. I heard everything you said and have this additional inquiry for more information. I’m not deaf or stupid so please don’t treat me that way when I ask a question.
“You daydream too much, you should focus more on reality.” I’m so sorry that I offended you for being who I am, but I am not going to change who I am to accommodate you.
“You completed the project assigned to you but I was expecting different results from you.” So you’re saying I just poured my heart and soul into accomplishing with acute precision and perfection an incredible project from which you were expecting different results, but you didn’t bother to enumerate the anticipated outcome, describe the boundaries, quantify the expectations to me at all? Nothing makes me feel more helpless than that.
You could have added ‘what are you thinking about?’
“What’s wrong?” Every. Day. Of my life. Every day. Nothing. That is just how my face is. I am thinking, creating, inventing, arguing, destroying, and correcting every single thing that is happening around me. My brain is busy and my face has no time for participation. Now stop talking. “What’s wrong?” “Nothing.”
You nailed it…all ten are completely accurate.
I’ve got one…
“Don’t analyze me”,
presuming that my question to them is to my benefit for the purpose of further analysis. Analyzing every single thing, all day long, is just who I am and what do. I’ve already analyzed, assessed, and arrived at the conclusion and answer that THEY are needing the question to.
And, THAT is exactly what I tell them, along with “my question is for your benefit, not mine”.
I’m with Cassie…”What’s wrong”?
And, I always answer “nothing”.
I thought I was mentally on another road than most of the world till federal Myers Briggs testing done to me. 1 month focus
I’m a Mastermind Mysanyhrope INTJ
The brutal asshole that’s so well researched in the topic he destroys you manly at the break room.
Yeah, I have zero care about feelings when it comes to truth speaking
I give up trying to have people understand me and how I function on analysis and decision making
I’ll just remain a hermit. People drive me the wall most of the time.
I am an INTJ, and I agree with all of these, except popping in unexpectedly. I do like surprises now and then, but only from the right people – like my family.?
#8 is incorrect. I love it when people stop by. It only annoys me when they stop by to manipulate me into doing something for them. To a lesser extent, if they will not leave me alone when i am in middle of something. Otherwise, i actually want them to stop by.
I’m married to an INTJ. He was patient with me while I learned not to ask ‘what’s wrong, respect his alone time, and trust that for the most part he’s always right! In return he’s learned to relax, embrace my warmth, and allow me to contribute my own perspective. All 10 observervations are spot on except 8. He’s more comfortable with people dropping by than I am, though he wouldn’t want it to be a regular occurrence.
“Be quiet” or “shut up.”
Excuse me, but I’m quiet enough already! You want to make me MORE quiet?
I’m quiet but I hate being silenced.
Everything here is just so true! Im a female INTJ, just 18 yrs old.. And what a mess I make up with my parents everyday.. Its hard when not even your family understands that you just don’t fall in the “typical woman stereotype”..
I literally physically cringed when reading some of these— “I just popped over”– yikes!
I’ve heard all of these repeatedly. I’ve also been told I’m rude, mostly frequently by my own mother.
Oh no! I’m so sorry to hear that!
I also hate it when people say “because I said so”. There is no valid reason in that statement for me to do something.
Agreed! Can’t stand it!
Exactly
“Just tell me. It’ll be OK” never is! Always taken the wrong way *sigh*
I hate when people use words incorrectly. There was a woman in my office who always said “that’s dumb” when she heard a cringe-worthy pun. It drove me crazy.
Another woman used to misuse idea and ideal all the time…
“You just can’t understand.”
“That’s just your opinion.”
“You’re so narrow-minded.”
(When in an indifferent calm disagreement, to help point something they missed):
“You need to calm down”
This was one of the better identifiers that
I’ve read. Since everyone has different experiences that they grow up with there are varying degrees of what drives an INTJ crazy and there are different quadrants within the INTJ that affects how we deal with specific areas of being one. Suffice it to say we are different and should embrace it while working to blend some of our more ridged qualities.
Typical me, especially
U can’t do it
That’s how it has always been done
Let me enlighten you( and u think u know it all?)
It’s not possible
Why are you so quiet
, Or angry? When I am just trying to be by myself.
Some people are annoying
Everything is dead on about me, except for #8 which is dead off.
This is all so relatable! Especially “You should smile more” has been said to me countless times by adults. I’ll smile when I feel like it, thank you not very much. I’m currently trying to stop climate change as a teenager so I really don’t have time for smiling and small talk. I hope one day I will meet another INTJ and get to work with them on some big project. Maybe then group projects will be less annoying…
#6 (Because this is how it’s always been done) was my biggest complaint in my former work position. I hit a brick wall everytime I tried to improve something in a way that made perfect sense. Stacked on top of #4 (You can’t do that), many of my experiences with management were infuriating. I have since switched to another team and manager that values and encourages out-of-the-box thinking and supports the implementation of it.
Every single one of these statements are worthy of an ass-kicking event!
11) that is a ridiculous/stupid idea
12) you are a liar
I will just leave you alone after most of these
(13) you need to calm down
Friends keep telling me that
Agreed. I get this one a lot too. Really annoying.
Agreed, with a couple modifications.
I don’t mind “let me show you how it’s done”- I welcome help and ideas from people who have pride in their work. It’s not a personal attack.
Now for a few big no-no’s. Do not micromanage me. I might micromanage you if you’re incompetent or lazy, but only if deserved.
Also, telling me what I can’t do might make me prove you wrong, but don’t ever say what I must do. We all must pay taxes and die someday. Tell me what will go wrong if I don’t do certain things, and the battle is on.
I choose my battles, and don’t play if I can’t win.
Don’t bother me with every little thing. Don’t make me explain in detail what you dont want to do. And if my answers to your questions are quick and brief, I’m not being flip or blowing you off.
You can reassure me with logic, but it better be will thought out
Finally, i certainly don’t need to be nice to you if you are deliberately working against me. We can differ, but if I see a hidden agenda in progress, look out. I will then expose you for what you are, so you can’t cheat others. Or worse, set you up to do it all by yourself.
You’re right but there are some other things too I know because I’m an INTJ
#1 is definitely my biggest pet peeve, which closely relates to the “you’re a liar” comment mentioned earlier.
OMG!! You have no idea how often I’ve had to wait six months to a year (or more) for the everyone else to catch up to me when I tell them that what they’re attempting won’t work. UGH!!
#10 – “That’ll Never Happen”
INTJs are known for their sudden, uncanny insights into how things will play out. They are master strategists and very good at anticipating future events. Think long and hard before calling out one of their predictions! You may find your words coming back to haunt you later.
I couldn’t stop laughing when I read this. All of these points are so true, and I get so riled up whenever someone tells me this! LOL! Another one that really pisses me off is when someone says “That’s impossible!” – which is very similar to “You can’t do that!”
I totally agree. One I really hate “It’s always been done this way”. LOL
This is just too real to believe I’m not being spied on, LOL…
The one I hate the most is “you can’t do that” next to “you need to smile more”. I hate when someone second guesses me, and also I smile when it’s necessary so buzz off????
“Who do you think you are?”
I have been told “words are cheap” after carefully laying out all the reasons why a project will fail 6 months from now.
As a female INTJ studying UX design, I feel like I’m in my element putting together the dots of human behaviour. I was recently grouped with 2 people who did said/did all of the above pet peeve staetments – specifically to try to undermine me. E.g. You overanalyze things, you dont know how to do this let me do it for you, you need to exercise more active listening, etc…. the last straw was them snickering and telling me I did something incorrectly to which I dryly responded, I dont care, you all know what I meant, I’m over this. *insert intense glare and awkward silence from them*. Obviously they are juvenile adults acting very passive aggressive with no provocation. My usual response would be to shut them down, however I couldn’t do so given that the instructors view interpersonal feedback as being important. Thus, my fellow intjs, apologies for the long winded explanation, how do you deal with this?
Female INTJ SysAdmin here.
I mean, there are just some people who are always going to perceive a contrary opinion as an attack.
It’s like training a cat–you have to spin it until they stop perceiving it as a contrary idea. Since this can be a tedious, multi-week process, this sometimes results in them forgetting where your idea came from and claiming it as your own. But what’s worse–you not getting credit, or you having to take credit for a shit product?
I think we INTJs all know *that* answer. LOL.
Number six nearly made me fall out of my chair. If anyone said that to me, i’d verbally vaporize them.
#1 told to me is
“Why do you always look serious/pissed off/angry”?
“Are you angry?”
Generally thats how I am. Thats how I look. 99% of the time I am just lost in my own thoughts. I am deeply thinking/planning.
My thinking face is often misunderstood as an angry/resisting bitch face .
So many stay away from me which in turn accomplishes my goal of staying away from people anyways 🙂
#9. I am a certified heavy equipment instructor and was mentoring a basically accomplished female student. She had great potential, and has become a very efficient excavator operator since my instructions. I will at times, get in the seat of the equipment to demonstrate, if the student is not quite sure. I actually said, verbatim, #9. She didnt get the least bit upset and was actually grateful for the opportunity to step aside and observe an operational technic.
I am a 12 year old INTJ female. I really hate it when people say I do something too much (like read). That’s probably why I don’t have any real friends, only phony ones who say they are my friend but then go hang out with somebody else. I actually used to think I was a little bit crazy, the Meyer Briggs Personality test has been extremely eye-opening to me.
Way to go! Used to be the same way with me.Then I got to university and met more INTJs and other types with simply high IQ. That’s where I made real friends
Well ! That’s why they call us jerks
The thing is I am an INTJ but I share some characteristics with INFJ . I can be serious most of the time but that doesn’t mean I don’t like to have fun. This is why the you should smile more doesn’t bother me.
Another one is: “Because I say so.” Oh Lord, does it piss me off. And then I ask why, and then I get patronised (don’t say I didn’t put ‘z’, it’s a Brit thing).
One time in P.E., we were practicing basketball serves and my teacher came up to watch me. I was analyzing myself to see if my stance was correct and he said this to me even after I had successfully made a shot; “You’re thinking too much. Just shoot it!” And guess what? I didn’t make the next shot. To others this might seem a bit defensive and I suppose it is if you look at it one way, but to me it is simply proving a point and my fellow INTJs will agree with me. This is pretty accurate; just thinking about these situations gets me annoyed! Not to make this comment any longer than it already is, but a quick thank you to non-INTJs who are reading this and who are trying to understand how to successfully gain the mild respect of an INTJ by carefully speaking.
“You need to come out of your shell/Don’t stay in the bubble/Get out of your comfort zone.” I hate those. They usually mean, “You have to do the same sorts of things I do and like the same sorts of things I do in order to be a real/mature/complete person.”
Truth.
My brother once told me “Don’t be so confident,” when I gave my opinion on a matter, was questioned and gave it again. In that instance, I considered myself an expert on the subject matter. I looked at him as if he had lost his mind. If I were not so right, I would not be so confident.
I really hate that, they keep saying that to me.
Does this also apply to INFJ with low Fe or INFJ in a NiTi loop? Cause I think I might be INFJ, but every detail here describes me so well, which is why I used to think I’m INTJ.
I had the same experience – came out INFJ the first time I took it, but INTJ the next time. This article has convinced me I’m INTJ, because every one of these statements pushes my buttons! 😄
Thank you Susan! You are so correct about what INTJs dislike. As an INTJ I just might add how extremely uncomfortable some of these statements make INTJs feel. It is hard for me to find the words that completely capture the acute discomfort. Perhaps all I can say is that some of these expressions cut an INTJ soul like a sharp knife can cut flesh. The result is not simply a feeling of distress or anger; rather it’s a feeling as if one’s very being has been diminished.
Thank you for your wonderfully cogent insights into this.
I am an INTJ and thes things have been told to ne right from my childhood.
100% True
At the moment I can’t think of anything I would add to the list. However, I do agree about disliking interruptions. One thing that instantly irritates me is to be interrupted while I’m speaking. I also don’t care for “surprise” visits either.
Or people who always show up unannouncedly early! A few minutes early is fine, but I set my own schedule by when people are expected to arrive. Those who show up half an hour or more early will find me quite cross.
When someone says I should talk more , I usually respond with, “Perhaps you would benefit from talking less and listening more. I know it has helped me :)”
SO True
As an INTJ-A I related to all of those. NEVER say them to me. Another one that really makes me mad is: ”You try to see things from too many perspectives.” Oh boy, did that piss me off. One of the things I’m proud of is my ability to see things from different perspectives and here you go and criticize it. Not cool. Not cool at all.
I hate being interrupted when I’m off in my head to ask me if I’m mad. I have better things to do than answer questions. I am always analyzing situations and conversations that I had or may have as well as working on my finances mentally.
Spot on. I enjoy every part of me.
“Everything happens for a reason.” To which I always want to respond “Really? Prove it.”
This list is so accurate it hurts.
its funny being an enfp and looking into a intj’s thoughts so easily… it feels like im cheating somhow
This one is more infuriating. “You can’t go out too far!” While also saying “You need to try playing more in the next town!”. So, which one should I be doing again? :))
I’m an INTJ that is going to be a new mom soon. Having my parenting choices/ opinions questioned all the time as if I haven’t put a significant amount of research and thought into them is extremely annoying.
I get number five all the time. So give me a real reason to smile.
“It’s common sense, you should’ve known this by now.” Getting this when you’re assuming a new role that you’ve zero experience with during the first few months. people start saying this and “why you’re the only one who does not know about this?” When no specific info was really provided to me
The thing that could upset me the most is sudden visits that ruin my whole day and also telling me to smile when they take me in family photos…as if I’m going to give birth to a real smile hahaha…
I’m an INTJ, and I can completely relate to this, especially #4, I have a friend who’s an ISTJ, and she’s always telling me how I can’t do stuff that breaks the rules, than I get a bit angry, and I respond ” Well at least I’m not a mindless sheep that does whatever they’re told, and lost all respect for themself because of it. Unlike someone I know.” Then they go all speechless, then act like a 5 year old and say, ” You’re being mean!” And I respond, ” No I’m being honest.”
I am intj and my pet peeve is when people say “oh, you/they can’t understand because they’ve never been a parent or never experienced a death, etc…” That thought process just shows how out of touch others can be. That’s usually the end of any personal association with that person for me.