10 Things You Should NEVER Say to an INTP
Sometimes you never see it coming. You’re in the middle of talking, you’re having a bad day, or you’re anxious and someone says a few words that slap you across the face. Your blood begins to boil, your heart rate increases or you realize you’re being severely misunderstood.
We’re all bothered by different statements and words more than others. In general, everyone hates hearing “calm down”, “relax,” or “you’re being too sensitive”. When I spoke with members of each personality type, across the board everyone hated those statements. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being irrational, regardless of their thinking or feeling preference. But what especially triggers the deep-thinking, analytical INTPs? Let’s take a look.
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“That’s Just The Way It Is”
If an INTP is questioning something or skeptical about a decision or rule they won’t rest until they’ve determined whether that rule or decision is rational. INTPs are natural skeptics and innovators, and are rarely happy with accepting anything as “just” the way it is.
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“Because I Said So”
INTPs don’t have an innate respect for authority. Respect must be earned, not automatically given based on rank or position. Telling an INTP “because I said so” is a sure way to invite dissent and bitterness.
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“Why Aren’t You Talking?”
Unless INTPs are engaged in a stimulating theoretical conversation they are rarely chatterboxes. They are analytical and keep many of their judgments and thoughts internalized. Being criticized or pestered into talking is a sure way to make them feel uncomfortable or irritated.
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“Did You Hear What (Random Friend) Did?”
Gossip about friends holds little to no interest for INTPs. People who spread rumors and share the details of other people’s lives tend to invite distrust and skepticism. They may be wary of forming relationships or friendships with these people.
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“Yes Or No, You Don’t Need To Explain”
INTPs aren’t quick to express yes or no judgments. They share their perceptions through Extraverted Intuition (Ne), but keep their judgments internalized. Telling them to oversimplify or leave out pertinent information is asking them to repress a natural part of their personality. It’s also just plain rude.
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“Hurry Up and Decide!”
INTPs despise being rushed into anything. They like to have time to explore their options and analyze situations fully. Being rushed into a decision, especially a long-term decision, can cause them a great deal of stress.
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“Hey, I Know You’re Reading, But…”
If you see an INTP reading, it’s best to be as quiet as possible and leave them to their book. Interrupting them for any reason, even if it’s a friendly question about said book, will frustrate them.
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“Why Didn’t You Notice My Haircut?”
INTPs aren’t especially concerned with superficial details in their environment. They’re more likely to be thinking about bigger-picture issues than whether or not someone got a haircut/lost weight/is wearing a new outfit.
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“Let’s Have a Heart-to-Heart Conversation”
INTPs enjoy having harmonious environments, but they don’t enjoy discussing their feelings unless they are really close to someone and instigate the conversation themselves. Being forced to talk about their feelings makes the INTP rely on their inferior Extraverted Feeling (Fe) function, which in turn can cause stress and discomfort.
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“Get Out Of Your Head!”
Asking any introvert to get out of their head is tantamount to asking a fish to breathe air. The nature of introversion is that you prefer the world “in your head” to the outer world.
All About INTPs
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I really hate when someone tries to tell me what I am feeling. I much prefer to figure it out for myself.
Helpful list I think but I must say that as an INTP I would prefer to have available a list for others of ten helpful things to say to an INTP, or ten things to ask an INTP.
Never give an INTP an ultimatum. It will not go in your favor.
True, you will lose everytime. No matter the consequence, INTP will do what you don’t want
“If you’re so smart, then what does [ ] mean?” A. I do not prove how smart I might be. If you spend enough time around me you can judge for yourself. B. I never told you I was smart. Likely, I surprised you with my knowledge of some obscure (to you) fact or concept and now you feel threatened. To compensate, you have now announced to me the most obscure fact or concept about which you think you have some knowledge, and you are challenging me to a battle of wits. I silently walk away. You lose.
I agree with how INTPs feel about these things… at the same time, you can’t go through life being irritated with people who are different and don’t understand you. It’s good for INTPs to get out of their heads and comfort zones to provide a balance. Being rigid and avoiding people who complicate your life is not realistic.
Do not, under any circonstance, even if it’s the case, question the judgement or the intelligence of an INTPs. Even if he is wrong, he will stop listening to anything that will comes after.
We are so convince that we have a lot judgement that if you question it, you will directly be mark as a person without judgement since your judgement on us is clearly wrong.
If you want to change an INTPs mind you must make him doubt by himself and convince him that he got the idea.
Even if it’s a kid and you are the parents, never say he judge badly. You can be sure that he’ll do exactly the inverse of what you said him.
My personal top 10:
– Hi.
– How are you?
– What’s up?
– How do you feel?
– Aren’t you cold/hot?
– Lets go out tonight.
– Have you lost/gained weight?
– Long time no see.
– Do you want to do something?
– What do you do?
Yeah, If someone asks me “Yes, or No” my answer is, “you forgot the third option… go fuck yourself.”
“Get out of your head” is literally the worst thing you can say to me, becuase I can’t get out of my head and I don’t like to. And I literally live inside my head.
Yes to almost all of this, and in particular Nos 1 and 5. Regarding 8. I do notice changes such as haircuts, but I very rarely feel like commenting on them because of all the small-talk involved. My powers of observation are seemingly variable: For instance, I noticed straight away that my boss had a hole in her cardigan, but failed to notice that a massive display board was missing. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t obliged to engage the massive display board in conversation.
Exactly this! I do tend to notice details about people I’m interacting with and if I think it will bolster good relations between me and the person, I might comment on it. Otherwise, I can’t be bothered. But inanimate objects normally in my environment that have been moved or replaced often escape my notice as well!
How about the “Are you serious about your schoolwork? Are you actually trying to learn the material at all?” Recently had a teacher scold me about that just cause I’ve been having trouble actually following the daily due dates for my classes. Usually have a couple days in between to break up studying, but not this semester. Also, one time, when I was in New York, a guy selling pizza in a store yelled at me that I needed to either choose a pizza slice or leave the store. I almost burst into tears.
As an INTP I hate it when people try to get me to socialize. Come to the party they say, you’ll meet some great people. We don’t want to meet people because they are all boring and stupid. I am far happier being alone with my own thoughts!
It’s so true about not noticing superficial details
My family and friends get really irritated with me and I really can’t help it
Did you see said persons shoes
Did you see my new washing machine (yip I’m dead serious)
For me I notice like how a person walks in or how they greet,facial expressions, body language
Reactions to what I say or to what someone else says
When I read “Yes or no, don’t explain “or “just decide ” I felt like I’ve been slapped, this is so true…. I’m not implying that the others are false they are actually true.
It’s just that I’ve been told this a lot and have been criticized for it .I had a point in my life when I hated the fact that I can’t choose between simple things or feel like I have to explain or summarize my thoughts. No matter what I did it felt like the person in front of me was unsatisfied until I found out about my personality and realized that it’s just me and the way I think and it won’t do me any better to try and change my actions or thoughts since it’ll only make me stressed or anxious
These really are very accurate. As a kid, my mom would get on to me multiple times a day for scowling or glaring when I was literally just sitting there minding my own business. It was just my resting face. It’s something that always made me feel self conscious in public because I don’t look like I’m enjoying myself in candid photos, and when my friends are visible over the moon, I can’t pretend to show that much excitement.
I also used to display a lot of antisocial behavior, preferring to read at recess (while hiding under something because my teachers would not allow me to do so). I still do hate large (or small….) gatherings.
Zoning out has become a major problem for me, as well. I never paid attention in school because I had no need to. I had a 4.0 until after my associates degree in engineering. Now that the classes are challenging, I need to pay attention, but I can’t focus in class long enough to take anything from it. Especially given I’ve already had four thermodynamics related classes and am currently in two more.
If i had a penny for every time I heard these remarks below I would be one rich witch;
Why do you challenge everything I tell you?
Why can’t you be like her or those girls?
Can’t you just be normal?
If everyone else does things in this way why don’t you?
You have no emotions so you dont care about anyone in this family.
Your a cold woman woman are loving and affectionate
What has she done now?
I always thought you have a spectrum since you were little you cant show love you have no feelings
Many more i guess i am al optimist with experience pessimistic thrills of being a female intp !!
I definitely know how it feels to be pressured into doing what other’s want me to do. I feel like strangling someone when they ask me to do what everyone else is doing or if I should show more emotions to our guests (my parent’s friends come over whenever they want and they expect me to be happy to see them ????).
I think something important to note is the difference between a healthy and unhealthy personality type. In this case, a healthy INTP has developed their last two functions (Extroverted Feeling and Introverted sensing) which means they’re actually probably ok to talk heart to heart with someone if someone asks. They may even be excited for the opportunity to develop their functions even more. This can go for a lot of the things in this article.
Though, it will always take more effort and/or focus for a healthy developed INTP to use their lower functions.
Now for a less developed INTP, all of these are true at varying degrees.
I speak as a developing INTP who has been asked these questions before. 🙂
P. S. The other day I was talking with a friend and realized he looked different. I realized he had got his braces removed! When I brought it up he informed me that he got them off a year ago. XD These things definitely make an INTP unique, just don’t stress too much about offending them as long as they have worked on their understanding side.
I’ve experienced what you say in my own life, too. Even though I’ve been going through an unhealthy phase for awhile due to stressful circumstances (which brought me to this article), my Fe is pretty developed by now, and I honestly have no problem talking about emotions (mine or others) with anyone I’ve spent some time with and have a connection to. What remains true, though, is that I can have a hard time SHOWING emotions. So, for example, I can tell someone I was devastated when my cat died, but I would hate to actually cry in front of them.
I have to disagree on the “,What are you reading?” question. It means they are interested in me. I would be flattered by such attention. Anyway, none of these sound like violent things to say. In fact, most of these sound like well-meaning advice to me.
I have an insanely well developed Fe…so it could just be me????.
Another thing is being told to be more empathetic. Especially when you were actually trying, and have no idea what you did wrong.
I disagree with point 7, because the question could possibly initiate an interesting conversation. If someone is already asking this, they might even be willing to talk about the book.
Other than that, the listed questions and statements really are annoying ; )
Yes, I’m thinking of taking that question out, and finding a different statement to go there from INTPs. I got a lot of INTPs who mentioned it, but since posting this two years ago more and more INTPs have commented saying that they’re not sure that point fits! Thank you 🙂
I don’t think I would completely disagree. I hate my husband – or any close relationship- to ask me what I’m doing. It’s neither their business nor their problem unless I ask their help; mostly they ask that question to seek attention which annoys me greatly, especially if I’m currently busy in Bath in 1790 or so – No; it doesn’t matter if I read this book thrice-. Also If I KNOW their will not read the book I’m reading nor read it already there isn’t an argument point. It may be a good point to start interesting conversation in some circumstance like a friend I think it’s cultured or smart enough to share me new info, about some other book, but I personally wouldn’t take an interruption in the best part of the book warm heartedly almost never. About number 4; I don’t especially care about celebrities but I wouldn’t reject information from some famous I particularly like, thought most of the time it is true I’m the last in find out, because I’m always thinking in something else probably. I would add another point which I find extremely irritant “I’m bored!” it’s something that ignites me instantly because how can you be bored with so many books to read, videos to watch, things to learn?; You have to had a vicious mind prone to superficiality and easy pleasure. Btw Love your the Second life announce hehe.
I completely agree with #1. My absolutely most detested comment of all time is “It is what it is”. Anyone who says that to me is immediately suspect and I no longer respect anything else they have to say. Ever.
With respect to #7 I agree it’s not the worst. The others though, are spot on. Thank you.
Please… don’t bother taking it out, cause it is one of the most accurate points made here.
Yes, D.R, the question could initiate something of interest, but the point made was that, being cut off from that book which at the time was (obviously) too captivating can be VERY irritating.
I hate disruptions from books I find intriguing or rather very interesting (novels especially). So yes, irritation at first is very natural but by the time you take in the question being asked, if it is actually worth the time, we flow.
If it was a waste of time, the irritation only gets worse… my friends can tell you that for free.
I hesitated over that one too but then i remembered that sometimes i hate being asked ‘what are you reading?’ because im usually reading something that others wouldnt like or understand why im reading it (very obscure or very specofic topic area). I hate recommending books to others because so often they have hated the book or couldnt see what i was raving about. Like most intps i dont take things literally but prefer to use a story as a starting point for examining human behaviour or new ideas or whatever. Others just read the story and cant appreciate the nuance i found in it. So i think you were onto something with this one.
I wonder how many INTPS (or any other types) have experienced the insidious caveat to the question, “What are you reading?” that makes me grit my teeth. It’s when, after the nosey person asks their question, they go to stand right behind you, all the better to read over your shoulder and (oh, horror of horrors!) reach down with their hand and put their finger on the page, often covering the very line you’re in the middle of reading. If anyone reading this has committed that crime, you may have wondered what was causing the strange sizzling sound. It was most likely the INTP’s blood boiling in their veins. If I want to have a discussion about the book I’m reading, I’d prefer this to be arranged in advance. That’s what book clubs are for.
I agree with your comment on the popular phrase: “It is what it is”; drives me absolutely crazy…I mean, why is that way? Are there no other options? Just because it is what it is does NOT mean it has to remain that way! It comes across as a cop out to me. Thanks for bringing that up, as I literally came to the comment section to address that very thing.
As an confirmed INTP (consistently gets the result every time I do the test on a number of different websites), I’d rather other people don’t refrain from saying something because it might “incite dissent and bitterness”, “make (us) uncomfortable or irritated” or “invite distrust (from us)”, making us wary of forming relationships with them.
No dear people, please don’t hold back from showing your true self, even if by doing so you risk a eliciting a negative reaction from us. If you are indeed not the kind of person I’d want to form a relationship or a friendship with, I want to know as soon as feasibly possible. Because if you edit yourself in attempt to gain our trust and friendship, only to surprise us later on when your real self is revealed, the outcome will be infinitely worse.
Much has been said about the “INTJ door-slam” but other types are capable of doing it too. My type is supposed to be very laid-back and easygoing, but if you push an INTP too far there’s no going back. I doubt that any of the 16 types would respond well to betrayal.
What do you think of INTJs?
Personally I’ve been friends with one for 3 years now and I agree on many things in her way of thinking.
What do you think of INTJs?
Feeling seen here and loving it.
As an INTP, I’ve noticed I notice haircuts because I notice if any little detail has changed in my environment.
It’s a sort of incongruency feeling. I’m not interested in details, but I notice if one has changed.
What are other people’s thoughts?
That is true!!!
Attention to detail is very hard to avoid but I can’t bring myself to talk about it either way because “why should I?!”, “would that be necessary?!”…
This is what I think most times when confronted with that ” Didn’t you notice my haircut” question.