Why INFPs and INFJs Are Drawn to Sad Things
“What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music.”
– Soren Kierkeegard, an INFJ
“Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.”
– Edgar Allan Poe, an INFP
A broken shack in the middle of misty field. A lonely dying tree in a barren landscape. Tears. What draws INFPs and INFJs to these things? What makes darkness or despair beautiful to us? In the many years I’ve studied type I’ve come across hundreds of INFs who are inexplicably drawn to sad, desolate symbols and expressions. In fact, recently I’ve gotten a lot of questions from INFs who are puzzled by their own connection to the melancholy world. So I thought I would write about it here as a reference for anyone trying to understand.
I’ve always been intrigued by the question, “Are you attracted to sad things?” I’ve rarely asked anyone this question without getting a quizzical look in response.
“Attracted to sad things? What does that even mean?”
Yet if I ask an INF type this question, the majority will instantly say yes, as I did many years ago. They know right away that something about sadness is beautiful.
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But what makes sadness beautiful to INF types?
1 – Many INFs Relate to Sadness and Isolation
INFJs and INFPs make up a mere 3% of the U.S. population combined. It is rare that these two types find kindred spirits to understand them. Through the years I’ve spent talking to people from all types, it seems that a majority of INFs have spent their lives feeling alone, misunderstood, or forced into a mold that wasn’t true to their nature.
Many INFs see isolation, loneliness, and heartbreak and identify with it. They connect with that pain and find a cathartic relief in empathizing with it. In an expression of sadness and loneliness, the INF finds a true friend. For INFs who have felt alone and cut off from the world through much of life, a picture of a lonely, isolated shack can be a symbol of their longing and loneliness.
For INFs who have found companionship and connection in life, they are still drawn to the honesty and reality of sadness. They may feel inexplicably compelled to understand it, to empathize and to comfort.
Related: How You Process Emotions – Based on Your Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
2 – INFs Find Sadness Compelling
INFs are deeply concerned with those who are hurting. Both INFPs & INFJs show strong tendencies towards careers in psychology and counseling (per the MBTI® Manual, Third Edition). They are both highly empathetic types, and while they may experience emotions in different ways, they both desire to “walk in another person’s shoes” and feel their pains and struggles as their own. They have no interest in a sugarcoated life or what’s on the surface, both seek to gain a deeper more intimate understanding of the deeper longings and struggles of humanity.
“Most people try to hide their sad stories. But I want to hear, I want to know. There’s an element of truth that can only be found in a story that is full of heartbreak. I want to know about the struggles my parents have faced, my friends have faced. There’s a beauty embedded in those stories; a raw, humble, broken humanity in it. When we shed all our pretention and our egos and reveal our brokenness, that’s something I think is beautiful.”
– Melissa, an INFP
Related: Understanding INFP Feeling
Related: Understanding INFJ Intuition
3 – Sadness Connects Us All
INFJs and INFPs are true introverts, yet as feeling types they long to have meaningful connections with other people. However, the depth they crave in relationships is often hard to find. In sadness they see a unifying vulnerability that they can relate to and grasp. They feel that being with others in their grief and struggles brings them closer and forms a deeper bond.
“I am attracted to sadness. I want to listen to people who are sad, and I want to feel it myself. I have had a difficult life and I’ve been through a lot of pain, and I want to understand what other people suffer. I see beauty and strength in sadness and survival, and I want to help people through it. I want them to know they’re not alone.”
– Cassandra, an INFJ
Related: 4 Reasons Why INFJs Struggle with Loneliness
4 – INFs Like to “Feel”
INFs like to empathize. They like to immerse themselves in emotions. Just as the SP feels good when they take an exciting new risk, or the SJ feels good when they put things in order, the NF enjoys feeling, empathizing, and understanding. Does this mean they constantly want to be inundated with negative emotions? No. While they are typically good listeners who enjoy being there for people, they also can become emotionally overwhelmed if they are constantly taking on other people’s emotions. They feel fulfilled when they can listen and connect with struggling people, but they have to do it in moderation. Sometimes they enjoy simply connecting with melancholy art forms or an idea that evokes strong emotions. They like to escape into a sad song or movie, a sad book or painting. Being able to privately feel and connect with the emotions in a story or piece of art simply “feels good” to a lot of them.
Related: The Childhood Struggles of INFPs
Related: The Childhood Struggles of INFJs
“But I don’t like sad things and I’m an INF”
There are certain generalities about personality types that don’t apply to everyone. For every 8 INFs who are drawn to sad things, there will be 2 who prefer the cheerful parts of life and find sadness overwhelming. I’ve also spoken with ENFPs, ISFPs, and ENFJs who are drawn to sadness, although not as frequently as INF types. It’s okay if you don’t feel a connection to this article; it doesn’t mean you’re mistyped.
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What Do You Think?
Are you drawn to sadness or do you find it unsettling? Let me know in the comments!
One of the most accurate descriptions of myself that I’ve read! (INFP)
Thanks! I’m glad you were able to relate and I hope it was helpful!
INFJ here and this resonates deeply with me. I used to joke that I must have a tattoo on my forehead that said “Share your deepest darkest hurts with me”. It seems I no more than meet someone and they open up to me and frequently end by saying, “I’ve never shared this with anyone before.” I do find continual negativity to be exhausting, but I love to connect with people deeply and help them find growth and hope in their pain.
Excellent post. I have a few INFPs in my life, and this blog is quite applicable to them.
I think what you’ve described can be quite the strength in helping others. Some people may be longing for, or needing, someone to bring attention to their sadness in order to help them identify and understand those feelings.
Accurate.
This was an interesting article, one which I could easily identify with. In reading it I realized that when I was younger I was certainly drawn almost exclusively to sadness in the manner described. I lived and breathed it almost daily. It seems that nowadays however I walk some fine line between that and it’s opposite. I am still drawn to hearing others’ stories of difficulty; there is still a fascination with how they experience those things, and it continues that I am a kind of magnet to those looking for that ear and shoulder. Yet just as frequently I find that I move toward those things that have me smiling, and shy away from anything that feels even remotely heavy. At those times I’m certainly not availble for anything else.
Thank you so much for your eloquent response! I think you reach a point where you have to take care of your own emotions and well-being. I definitely don’t think INfS are always wanting to be inundated with sadness. But, like you said, there is something that draws us to it at times. I know for me I loved sad stories like Romeo and Juliet when I was a child. Things that were tragic….now I hate anything melodramatic, like TV soaps, but something profound and sad will always intrigue me.
Hello! I am INFP and I can definitely relate to this. I would definitely say that it is true people who have this deep felling identify with it. The primary reason why this is true however, is because many INF feel very unique compared to everyone else. As a result they primarily score a 4 on the Enneagram personality test. If you have never about the Enneagram I would give a look because it’s also pretty interesting. 4’s on that scale (like myself) are oftentimes creative individuals (such as poets or artists) who find solace in any emotion that is familiar (such as grief). As a result they unconsciously remain attached to those emotions as a means to perserve their unique identity or ego that seemingly defines their reality.
Ahhh….that’s a very cool theory! I can see a lot of truth in it. I am also an enneagram 4 w 3 wing. I can see that correlation very easily, thanks for bringing it up! 🙂
This is so me, INFP over here
Hi INFP! Glad to have you here 🙂
Wonderful article. I’ve always wondered why I was drawn to sad, tragic things, how I found it beautiful when someone cried or broke down in movies, and how I loved listening to sad songs. And I’ve always had the urge to feel, to feel strong emotions, to experience strong pain. To me it sounds a bit crazy when I say it out loud, haha, but it’s the only way I can explain it. Powerful emotions are just appealing to me.
I am a INFJ. This describes me so accurately. The more research I do, the more “normal” I begin to feel. I have always felt like all the nuances of being me meant that there was something really wrong with me. I was seeing myself as always stuck in certain patters of living life, but now I am beginning to see that it is my personality type and I can now begin to apply to myself that which I apply to all other people…and that is that there are always good elements mixed in with the darker tones of ourselves, and accepting who we are depends more largely on understanding ouselves within the framework of our personality type. We are what we are and how can we be any different than that, other than to strive to magnify the best of our stronger points and be gracious to ourselves in those areas that are lacking. And of course the purpose of magnifying our strongest or better parts is so that we can act as an effective conduit to helping others grow and accept their own lack with more grace and love. When people can love themselves more, they have not only a stronger sense of self, but are more able to navigate life in a way that allows them to give of themselves to others, whatever that capacity may be.
I love your input here! I completely agree with you and I’m so glad that knowing your type has allowed you to accept yourself more and appreciate what makes you you! Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, I think other readers will be encouraged by this!
I guess I got off topic and that is why my comment was deleted? I apologize.
Hi there!! I haven’t deleted any comments recently so I’m not sure what happened. I am so sorry! Because you are anonymous I’m not sure which comment was yours. I just moderate comments because sometimes spammers try to put comments to sites with viruses so I try to be really careful. I don’t mind if comments get a little off topic!
This is incredibly inaccurate. It works off of stereotypes, with no logical basis, evidence, or theoretical science to back it up. Myers Briggs only deals with people’s preference of gathering information and making decisions, not whether they’re a special snowflake with dark enough feelings. In addition, INFPs and INFJs have completely opposite functions. An INFJ is closer to a INTJ than an INFP in terms of cognitive functions. This panders to people wanting to feel special.
I understand what you’re saying, and I attempt to write a lot of articles that deal with the cognitive functions, neuroscience, etc,. However, since I get this question so often this is my “guess” or theory as to why these two types specifically might be drawn to sad things. I understand that INFJs and INFPs have completely opposite functions, no argument there. I guess this post just isn’t relatable to you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts about it either way!
P.S. If you feel like saying what you disagreed with specifically that would be helpful! If you look at the official MBTI manual, it talks about their overrepresentation in psychological career fields as well as their tendency to “step in” to situations to identify with people. There really are quite a lot of sources that I could give you to confirm statements made here. Feel free to let me know what specifically you had an issue with!
Susan Storm seems rattled by your accurate ideas re INF types she is obviously not an INF type but seems to be The Authority on Myers Briggs me thinks the green eyed monster is lurking. Get over yourself Susan Storm an INFJ
On the contrary, it’s good to hear other opinions and/or constructive criticism! I can’t grow unless I question things and try to be accurate. I have gone back and edited past posts because I’ve realized later I got something wrong. I just wanted to know specifically what the poster disagreed with. This post is simply me trying to theorize why these two types seem especially drawn to sadness. This post isn’t a discussion on INFJ/INFP cognitive functions, but shared experiences these two types have had. Some of my articles are more “fact based” and other’s are more my own theories and guesses about how type affects us. Constructive criticism is always welcome.
P.S. I also said this theory wouldn’t apply to every single INF type in the article. It’s just my attempt at explaining a possible reason for the INFs who are curious or who have asked me about this.
I am an INFP and find myself drawn to sad things a lot. I’ve always wondered why, because I also tend to be very optimistic and look on the bright side of things. I guess it’s another INFP contradiction. Lol
I’m a male INFJ, as my name suggests, the “ultra-unicorn” if you will, and let me tell you trollish types that being “special” is no picnic. It’s NO FUN AT ALL .
I would give both my feet to be ordinary/ “normal”.
Ms. Storm’s hypotheses are exceptionally insightful. I would add another reason, though it wound seem to draw on elements from 2) and 3).
• Sadness/ brokenness is intrinsic to the human condition — fallen humanity. INF’s are like the “Wounded Healers” in other psychological illustrations. (Not eloquently presented, but you get the gist…)
And someone needs to get acquainted with the concept of “Anecdotal Evidence.” (cf.)
~k
While it is true that cognitively INFJs function similar to INTJs, when it comes to emotions, INFJs are similar to INFPs. IMO, INFJs are a cross between INTJs and INFPs, almost like a perfect midpoint. INFJs are complex in that, they can appear as emotionless or cold at times. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been called “unemotional” or “unromantic” by those who are more feeling oriented than myself (FP types). While at the same time, I’ve been called “overemotional” by more thinking types (namely, INTJs & ENTJs).
Oh, and yes, as an INFJ, I am drawn towards sadness.
I`m an INFJ and I`m very drawn to sad stuff. Or just drawn to put myself in situations that will make me stressed, miserable and eventually sad and depressed. I even don`t know why, I just do it.. it just happens. Most of the time I realize that I do it intentionally. And I`m having a hard time to figure out why am I doing it.. weird ;D
I love the article on injf’s drawn to sad things. I never knew it was an infj thing. I just know that in me i have to find movies that are deep and what i would call ‘morbid’ to others. I never really know why i do feel that i can relate and it hits an inner part of me really deeply that resonates with such clarity. This also goes for art, pics, movies, books etc. I dont know if its because of us being empaths or HSP but things that are sad seem more ‘real’ and moving. It stirs me up inside and i dont feel as alone in this world.
I’m an INFP and this describes me perfectly. Personality typing isn’t an exact science, it’s just one way of coding people’s responses to “what would you do?” questions. These “types” don’t contain a whole person, but it’s still fascinating stuff. There are many things about the INFP type that don’t relate to me, but the “drawn to sad things” trait I can definitely relate to. I do worry that people think I’m morbid…
Thank you! Yes, there are variations within any type. Upbringing, environment, personal unique traits, skills, these are all things that can cause variations from person to person. I’m really glad you enjoyed this post, and that you feel less “morbid” now 🙂
I really appreciate this article, thank you.
Thank you for reading it! I’m so glad you enjoyed it 🙂
Hi, I do agree with what you have analyzed here about INFs. However, I would like to add that as an INFP myself, although I am drawn to sad and complex human emotions, I think that I accept it first but finally, I prefer to get out of it or find a solution where I can find some positivity or solace. What I mean to say is that INFPs are drawn to sadness because they want to know it and end it. It is like a doctor who is interested in dealing with the physical or mental discomfort of patients so that he can cure it or address it or transform it. So it is not really “being drawn to sadness without any purpose” but with a very real and important purpose and that purpose is “healing pain”. No doubts NFs are often healers whereas, some other types run away from pain or from addressing pain of others because they are uncomfortable with the idea or reality of pain. If you do not address pain, how will you heal it ? Not everyone can do that but INFs seems to be good at it.
I think that is very true! In fact, INFPs are often called “The Healers”. I think that’s what David Keirsey calls them 🙂 I think there is an inclination to want to help or understand humanity better by empathizing with struggles that people deal with.
This list is very accurate. I am an INFP, and I do wonder how INFPs can only represent 3% of the population. I don’t feel rare.
Phoniness is really annoying to me because I feel like I’m being asked to get to know or engage someone who’s not there. I feel like they are hiding who they are from me.
And if they can’t be who they are, then who are they? I realize that doesn’t make much sense, but it’s how it feels. And you can tell it bothers me, by how long I’ve gone on about it.
Someone not listening, and/or jumping in with snap solutions, is increasingly frustrating and invalidating. I don’t tell people about things because I’m looking for an answer. I want relation, and understanding, and I want to know how they feel about it.
I don’t need simple answers. I’m not stupid. Problems don’t occur in a vacuum, they affect so many other things. Interrupting what I am saying, with some simple solution is like slamming a door in my face.
Slam that door one time too many, and I will never attempt to open it again.
Yes, this resonates with me. I have always found such beauty in sadness. Heidi (infp).
Thank you for reading and sharing your perspective Heidi! Great to “meet” an INFP here 🙂
Thank you for this article!! It put a lot of things I have felt my whole life (but not been able to put into words) perfectly and with such clarity. I have always seen (from others perspectives) being drawn to sad things as a “negative” and realize now I have been preoccupied sometimes with not “going there” and self-reflecting deep enough to understand just why I do this. But just reading this was cathartic and eye opening. Helped me feel more content, accepting that I gravitate toward melancholic things because it has to do with relating, paralleling and that sad
expressions can be “like a true friend” – so true! Great article. INFJ
Thank you for this article! It puts a lot of things I have felt my whole life (but not been able to put into words) perfectly and with such clarity. I have always seen (from others perspectives) being drawn to sad things as a “negative” and so realize now I have tried to avoid “going there” and self-reflecting deep enough to understand just why I do this. But just reading this was cathartic and eye opening. Helped me feel more content, accepting that I gravitate toward melancholic things because it has to do with relating, paralleling and that sad expressions are “like a true friend” – so true! Great article. I’m an INFJ.
I’m an INFP, and find this article to be accurate about myself. Thanks!
I think I’m a shy (social anxiety/depression) ENFP, so I relate to INFP things as much as ENFP things, and another sad thing I’m really drawn to is songs in minor keys. Love, love, love them, even if the words aren’t particularly sad.
I agree, unconsciously it attracts me. I feel being sad is good because I would be immersed into a shadow hidden until I would find light lol. Strange! but it helped me. I guess in looking for a deep feeling like some deep reassurance or something because I wouldn’t understand why unless I find myself in the shoes of the other. Now, like in the post, it does get overwhelming so I don’t like being stuck in those shoes either.
Cool post
I am an INFP. I have actually used a memory of a sad event to evoke an emotional response to just feel it. Even though the feeling was of sadness and grief, just the feeling is invigorating in some way I don’t understand. And I would say happiness feelings come in a strong second, but grief is where I experience the biggest charge. I just feel more alive.
That is so interesting! Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s definitely very eye-opening to see how each person differently reacts to emotions.
usan, I enjoyed your article immensely. I’ve only recently discovered I’m an INFP. I do find beauty in things broken, sad, discarded…it is good to know that’s ok.
was wondering, how is the type for assigned to those people like Poe, Van Gogh & others who obviously haven’t taken the test?
Hi Joelle!
I’m so glad you enjoyed the article! When it comes to typing some of the old masters like Poe and Van Gogh, some typologists before me went to the hard work of doing that. Jung himself suggested whether some famous people were intuitives, sensors, introverts, or extroverts. David Keirsey, the author of “Please Understand Me” typed many famous people. There’s also a web site run by typologists called celebritytypes.com and they type some people (although I find they can be hit or miss and I don’t always take their typings very seriously). I have guessed types on certain people by reading their biographies, but usually I try to get that backed up by other typologists.
Hope this helps!!
I am an INFJ, and I definitely resonate with the attraction to sad things. I’ve thought a lot about it, and although I don’t have a complete explanation for it, I think I’ve arrived at something that makes sense.
My Christian faith informs the way I understand suffering and sadness, and I’ve come to believe in the beauty and power of redemptive suffering. I think often pain and sadness point us to something good which has gone awry. They point to the things we value, the things we love, the way the world ought to be. So they come out of something good.
And because I believe that God is always at work redeeming the world and turning pain and suffering into something good and meaningful, pain and suffering always have an element of hope embedded in them for me. They point not only to the way things ought to be, but the way I believe they will be when God puts all things to right in the end. So I see suffering as a point on a continuum, a chapter of an ongoing story which is bookended by hope and redemption. And that means suffering means something. And since I’m an INFJ, I’m attracted to those things which mean something deep and mystical because at the heart of them is where I believe we also find truth.
We’ll put, Rebecca.
I remember watching my favorite episode of Dr. Who (Blink). Why was it my favorite? Carey Mulligan; she played the part well.
Kathy: What did you come here for anyway?
Sally: I love old things. They make me feel sad.
Kathy: What’s good about sad?
Sally: It’s happy for deep people.
I didn’t know at the time she is herself an INFJ in real life.
I’m an INFJ, and I’m male. I am happiest when sadness lifts the fog, for in sadness I can finally see clearly.
Also… Ecclesiastes 7:2
I’m an infp but my p and j are almost interchangeable and I find something deeply beautiful in melancholy feelings as if it connects to a deeper more meaningful emotion than just being happy. For example an EKG machine and happy being a straight line and being melancholy is like a steady heartbeat… I can’t identify exactly what it is but it makes me go through an experience like that of the main character eventhough I haven’t especially in a movie, not too much in a book but enough if I can picture it and it’s a good writer. If I see a character going through a sad experience and I’m an empathetic person we see those feelings that characters have and for someone that is empathetic those feelings become theirs it gives a deeper connection than just watching because now we are in the characters shoes.
Broken INFP here. Too many years of quashing my reactions left me a bit (read: a lot) emotionally impaired. I now experience emotion, particularly the darker ones, easiest through others. It’s a catharsis for what I can feel but no longer express. Art, poetry, and other people’s emotions are the mirror I can use to come to grips with my own. Fascinating article.
Oh come on! I started tearing up just considering about maybe being drawn to sad things. I hadn’t even thought of anything sad, but once I started down that path, oh boy, all those treasured memories of sad songs and stories came flooding in. I never even thought of it before, but I love sad things.
It’s funny, I always test as INTP, but as I get into researching types I see more of myself in INFP. Maybe my F/T is weak or borderline? I dunno, but I know I love a good cry!
I’m an INFP and an avid reader. Recently my 9-year-old asked me why I always read sad books (my kids have seen me cry my way through many novels!). I hadn’t really thought about it until he asked, but the truth is, I’ve always been attracted to a suffering protagonist, and I’m okay with things not turning out well in the end. I want to feel what he or she (the character) is feeling because it helps expand my compassion for the people in my world by allowing me to walk in another’s shoes for a while. I guess I do find sadness compelling: it’s the stuff of life. Thanks for this thought-provoking post and for helping me understand myself a little better.
Thank you for the intriguing article.
As an INFP, I have always found sadness and melancholy attractive emotions. I play music and am often drawn to writing songs in minor keys. I feel deep happiness and joy, but have never been able to express them, vocally or artistically, with the same strength that grief and sadness inspires. Having so many emotions, and often having to keep them to myself, equals a great need for catharsis. Sad or tragic art provides me with the catalyst to unleash that torrent of emotion.
On a brighter note, it helps me identify people in pain and makes me feel at ease with the power of their emotions. Being at the emotional extreme is a lonely existence. I always take the chance to connect with someone who is in genuine pain. It’s in those rare moments where I feel like I’m connecting on an emotional level that mirrors my own.
Thank you so much for your profound feedback. I would love to include a portion of your comment in the article if you’d be willing! I could quote you anonymously or use your name, whichever you prefer. I think many other INFPs would relate to what you’re talking about!
This article was great! I’ve been drawn to sadness, loneliness and such for my entire life. I’ve tried to understand and come to grips with my INFP tendencies as if I were a broken toy. I’m working very hard in accepting and embracing the uniqueness of who I am. It’s a very interesting journey. “Mother culture” in the book Ishmael by Daniel Quinn tells us that people like me need to be fixed….be this, do that ect. It causes great conflict for an INFP. But I’m learning to be who I am without apologies. My journey will continue.
Scotty.
This article resonates with me wholeheartedly. As an INFJ and introvert, I never really succeeded at being apart of the norm. For me, because of my childhood, I have always been drawn to the extremely dark, sad things. There is beauty in solace and it makes it very relatable. Being the age I am now, I still don’t wish to be apart of the social later, but people seem to be highly attracted to me, because of how honest and vulnerable I am with them. For me, its like, I’m just being me, its their curiosity that draws others to see the beauty in what I see. Being the poet, the dreamer, the believer, I see things that others don’t and I walk towards it, while others run from it. For a long time, I always thought I was crazy, that its not normal to be like this… I’m relieved that there are others like me out there. takes that big burden off my soul!
I am an INFJ but many feel I am extroverted. I love the beach and the sun and enjoy being outside. But people assume I am at the beach to party. No, I love the feel of the sand under my feet listening to the waves crash. I go there often by my self and my favorite time is to watch storms roll in. Watch the seas get angry. I prefer to make long term connections and too many superficial friends drain me. That’s what I am doing this weekend. Hibernating.
I am an INFJ and gut wrenching memoirs are 70% of my book collection so I’d say I’m most certainly drawn to sadness and tales of despair. The other 30% of my books are mostly self-help. Imagine that!
I am an INFJ and I liked the article. I usually find myself creating art that is dark or morbid. I can see the beauty in things that are sad. Most of my friends sometimes don’t like the rain but I like to watch it fall and how it makes the light blues turn to dark greys in a manner in seconds. I don’t friend many people in my life but I like hearing about other people’s problems. I am attracted to sad things and how those sad things develop and vanish over time.
I took a great interest in this article. I often waiver between INFP and INFJ, depending on what’s occurring in my life, but it’s true, regardless, that I have an unsettling attraction to the dark, the morose, and the tragic. This is true of my art, my taste in media, my ambitions in life, my political ideology. One difference between me and many INFP/J assessments I’ve encountered is that my empathy for others isn’t generally in human individuals but rather for animals, wildlife, and the natural world. I suppose it ties back to the INFP/J’s tendency toward feelings of emotional isolation in that instead of feeling a connection or relatability to other people, I feel more connected and whole with the environment around me. It’s a curious thought I’d never really tied back to my personality type. Regardless, I found this article enlightening. Thank you.
[ they desire to “walk in another person’s shoes” and feel their pains and struggles as their own. ] ; This thing described how I feel very accurately!, Sometimes I feel other people’s pains like they were my own,
But sometimes, I find myself thinking ;
( what’s up with all the Drama!!)
Most of the time I feel like there are two different persons inside of me;
And I think it’s really weird !
As an INFJ, I can completely relate to this article. I’ve been on a kick, reading different articles and blogs about my personality type. I love being able to put words to how I’ve always felt. I really really appreciate this article and I think it will help a lot of INFs understand themselves, and also for other types to understand us better.
I agree with every above comment… They say everything I feel perfectly.
Beverly Kenney – The More I See You
If an INFP were a song.
Background:
Beverly Kenney committed suicide young over a man she loved. Her career never took off in the states, and she has faded out of memory. The Japanese still love her, and I know why.
Holy smokes, what an eye-opening article! Have always been attracted to the sad, tragic and miserable. In part, because I have my own core of perma-sad and in part because I’d like to help others, human animal or nonhuman animal, move through their darkness. I foster and rehabilitate dogs in the direst of need and worst of lives, abhor and avoid zoos and circuses because I can feel the misery of the nonhumans trapped in captivity. I’m compelled by sadness to the point of almost sleep-walking up to and comforting absolute strangers because I can feel their sad. Usually just with a, “You feel sad-I’m sorry for whatever it is you’re going through.” Without fail, they tell me their story. The last one I spotted at a restaurant – her brother had been killed serving overseas a few weeks prior and she was home visiting. Just stood next to her and asked her if she was okay and she started tearing up and shared her story. This sharing of deep and dark happens with regularity, though, without me even asking-just happened yesterday that a total stranger just randomly started telling me about her ex and his drug addiction, giftedness and sadness, their struggles, her son’s struggles…I’m always interested and engaged and empathetic to other’s stories of struggles and will always lend a listening ear, mind and soul. Sadness bridging binds us all together.
This explains so much. I feel a lot better about myself now to know that this is just a typical INFP trait.
Yay!! I’m glad if it helped you feel more understood or at ease with yourself 🙂
I am an INFP and I used to be attracted to sad songs and emotions when I was younger, but now I think they are boring and lower my energies. Even though their intensity of feeling is tempting it is a negative kind of intensity. My life and goals are important to me now to be hampering them in any way. I rather be doing and thinking something positive than be moping around for no real reason. Do you know which functions I must have developed somehow? Or is it just that I changed my mindset?
I totally relate. I often feel more comfortable in sorrow than in happiness or joyous celebrations. I take social events in moderation, because they are exhausting. There is profound purpose in a sadness, yet it’s not good to stay there long. Visit it long enough to touch and heal the painful hurt. Then do something fun, usually physically taxing, dancing or jogging.
This.
I have always been drawn to books, movies, images that are sad/melancholy/stark/yearning or heartbreakingly happy/beautiful – they allow me to feel deeply – are cathartic in a way that allows me to process emotions that cannot be shown or easily expressed to others (there are no ‘words’). I feel the same about musicals – there are some situations or emotions that can only be expressed by song/music. Of course these intervals have to be carefully managed or you can overdo it and then are averse/repelled by such things until you recover.
I’m an INFJ and I agree with this article a lot. I have always been drawn to sadness, however I’ve never wanted to embrace it because it felt odd and no one else that I personally knew was drawn to it. I think that’s partly because my mom always wanted me to live a happy life, and my friends were always striving to do happy things, so liking things that were sad just wasn’t how I’ve grown up. After reading this article I got an uplifting sense because I now know that being attracted to sad things is a normal thing for me. I’m excited to embrace it, but will be careful not to get too caught up in it because it’s easy for me to fall into a deep depression. Thank you for sharing this with us!!!
My attraction to the melancholy comes to play in wanting to uplift the underprivileged and seek justice and equality in the face of injustice. I am attracted to it because I can naturally empathize and I want to pull people out, or meet people where they are at and humanize them in a world that so often seeks to dehumanize those of lesser privilege, or those in pain.
Oh my goodness. The more I read about INFP, the more I feel less like an alien. Some parts of the INFJ personality were easy to ignore when I was younger and life changed quickly – the constant stimulation of change was distracting. Now that I’m a parent, have been in the same place and am stuck in the same routine (not in alignment with my ideals), the stimulation gone, I feel bare bare and raw and vulnerable. I’m just learning about how basically EVERYTHING I am going through is pretty textbook for an unattuned INFP. It really is incredible.
I was typing “why infj attracted to sadness” on my browser and so glad that I find this. I thought I was alone
You’re definitely not alone! I’m glad this was helpful!
I’m an INFJ. I’m drawn to sadness, it gives me peace within myself.
I am an INFP, I’m drawn to sadness, I feel like I sadness is my language, it’s how learn Ina deep understanding.
I am an INFP, and I remember when I was in college I told a friend that for some reason I didn’t think I wanted to be happy. I couldn’t understand why I felt that way at that time, but this hits the nail on the head.
Hi! I’m an INFP and yes, I’m fond of sad things…
Reading this, it came up to my mind a quote from a tv show (Doctor Who) which I think it’s perfect for this article. It’s a conversation between two characters:
-What did you come here [an old and abandoned house] for anyway?
-I love old things. They make me feel sad.
-What’s good about sad?
-It’s happy for deep people.
I find joy and beauty wrapped up together with sadness and even suffering. I’ve wondered why this aspect of myself. Perhaps it’s some innate non-dual understanding: nothing is but what is not.
Sadness is REAL. There is no pretense. It’s raw and revealing. It leaves your pain naked .
So that somewhat explains my preference for cloudy/drizzly/dull days, and my favourite colour being different shades of grey. (INFP)
I’m assuming you, too have those days of “Go away sun!” because you just need the clouds in your life.
Sun is good, but clouds are lovely.
I often escape depressive episodes by immersing myself in sorrowful songs with lyrics about longing and loss.
INFP here and I too find my self drawn to old, antiqued, macabre, dark, and even sad things. I have always been this way, even as a child. Death, illness, and suffering are universal experiences, but we all have our own ways of expressing and dealing with them. I find it oddly comforting when others feel it because it makes me feel less alone since I tend to melancholia. Happiness doesn’t have the same universality because different things make different people happy while sadness is often felt more collectively.
I am a male infp of 38, with ADHD.
When I cry because I feel sad, I feel soon also an intense level of happiness without the sadness being reduced. In fact it is the highest level of happiness I can experience.
INFJ here, and I’m in the same boat. There’s one particular song I listened to several years ago, and when I’m already feeling sadness creep in, I listen to it on repeat and let it fill me to the brim of sadness and loss until it, in turn, heals me.
Now I want to say “I know that sounds weird” but I have a feeling it doesn’t sound that odd. Not here. 🙂
It feels nice reading posts and comments here thinking, “I do exactly the same!” Music needs to be in harmony with my emotions, otherwise the songs irritate me. When I’m angry, I listen to my “angry” music (like Breaking Benjamin’s songs, which are ironically still very sad and emotional) until I feel better. I can’t explain it.
I just did this last night. ????
Often, I feel sadness just come in, too. And I do listen to songs on repeat to dull that ache and eventually does heal, just as you say. I also sing them, fill them with sadness and despair, but that’s just another way.
And no, it’s not weird…. though I don’t exactly tell anyone about this (just imagine telling them). It doesn’t sound odd to me, it sounds familiar.
This explains things I never thought about but experienced — rainy days make me feel cozy; certain types of art/photos just speak so deeply to me; “melancholy” is my favorite “color”… it makes me understand myself on a whole new different level!
I’m a teenage INFP and I totally relate to this. I always feel comfort with melancholy songs and pictures. I feel quite drawn to them and I never knew why. Now I understand myself on a whole new level.
It makes sense to me as the heroic is embedded in the tragic. When I visited the Dachau concentration camp I was not numbed by the inhumanity (although I grasped it) but inspired by the acts of kindness and courage in the worst possible environment.
I saw humanity at its best and worst in one place. Awesome, humbling and oddly celebratory at a deep level.
Fascinating article, so glad to know I’m not alone! 21-year old female INFP here, and I have always been strangely attracted to tragedy and symbols of isolation. You could say I have a love-hate relationship with it. XD On the one hand, I hate tragedies and prefer movies and things with happy endings. I always get upset when something I’ve invested myself heavily in ends badly, unless I know ahead of time that it’s a tragedy. When I know it’s a tragedy, I can at least prepare myself for the sadness and not go in thinking things might work out only for my hopes to be crushed. Then again, there have been a few times I didn’t know something was a tragedy going into it and still enjoyed it, so idk lol. It seems like, in general, things that I have invested more of myself in such a series of movies (*cough* Marvel *cough*) or video games hurt more when they end badly, and thus I dislike their sad endings. Video games in particular, because instead of just passively watching or reading I’m actually putting in effort to reach the end and typically when you play video games there is an unspoken rule that it must be possible to “win” (sadly, “winning” also sometimes means getting a really sad ending cutscene and all your favorite characters dying. Shorter things, such as sad songs or a single sad movie, I like though. I can’t really explain it, other than for all the same reasons you listed up there.
I also often feel sad when visiting abandoned, lonely, places (such as houses converted into museums or an old ruins.) I’m not a particularly religious person, but I always kinda wondered if perhaps part of it was that some vibrations got left behind. Like, maybe the people living/working there at one point somehow left behind a little bit of themselves, of their feelings and emotions at the time of their being there. I guess that sounds kinda crazy, huh? I suppose it also just makes me sad to think about how these old buildings and places used to be shiny and new and people used to live and laugh and love and play and work there. And now… they don’t. It’s just abandoned, or it’s been converted into a museum/tourist attraction. I guess that’s better than nothing at all, but still it’s a little sad to me. My favorite animal is the wolf because of the whole stereotype of lone wolves. I know in natural wolves aren’t really like that, they live in packs, but somehow I identify with them anyway. To me, although I know the lone wolf stereotype isn’t true, I relate to it. And anyhow, even if wolves are pack animals, they still strike me as somehow lonely and beautiful and mysterious creatures. And I can relate to that. So yeah, spot on with the article, it’s a little scary how accurately you described me. XD
Fantastic article! It is very true.
But Soren Kierkeegaard was an INFP
Why the “but” in your last utterance? Is there something Soren did that would contradict this article? Did he like sunny days at the beach?
The article listed him as an INFJ, Martin was just correcting it, lol. Calm down a bit.
Always thought it was personally troubling I was drawn to sad ess and woe. Why it seemed wrong I almost enjoyed being near it in movies, songs, books And pictures. Now I know I am not wierd or twisted .I’m just an INFJ. Only took 67 years to get there, sigh. Most melencoly song in my life since I was a child. “It is the evening of the day. I sit and watch the children play ..”.
As Tears Go By , by Marianne Faithful
Transcience of life is just the “law of the land” on this planet. So if a person truly embraces sadness, he or she simultaneously also admits the core essence of earthly life. Therefore, feeling connected with this inevitable reality is in a way comforting and pleasing, even though the reality of transcience itself is thoroughly depressing, I’d say… But there’s nothing we could really do about this, so simply denying or sugarcoating that with desperate attempts at happiness or constant engagement in various activities – as is apparently common among the more Sensing (S) types – is in all honesty merely a rather blatant attempt at self-deception…
– An “NF” in general, currently on the borderline of INFP/ENFP, previously rather an INFJ
INFP here; so glad to have come across this article. I had thought that i was strange because I found sadness and darkness beautiful. So happy to know it a thing with INF personalities. Wish I knew more INFs in my daily life. It’s really hard trying to explain to other why you like sadness or darkness without them just quickly jumping to the conclusion that your depressed.
I’m an INFJ and can so relate to everything. I often wondered why I was drawn more to melancholy than sunshine and unicorns. I’ve always felt drawn to feeling deeply all the emotion with an understanding I could never fathom. For example, when I read someone’s story about their life, struggles and dreadful experiences etc, I intensely feel their pain and sorrow and I feel deeply that I owe it to that person to read their story. I mean, they will never know I’ve read it or anything but I seem to think that I am showing them a level of respect, at the very least. Like, they’ve been through this terrible thing, at least I can show them the respect they deserve by listening to them. Does that make sense to anyone? I think I’ve just tangled myself up in my own words and I’m probably not expressing it right, apologies. I love these articles, thanks Susan. Great job, please keep them coming.
I completely empathize with you and feel the same way. You didn’t trip up over your words and it was understood. I feel I have a hard time expressing myself as you do, but that’s just your “critic” function talking. You’re great, and I value the sincerity in your choice in “being” with that story/person. Another INFJ here.
True that. I feel the same way like you. :’)
I’m an INFJ and I was just searching “why am I drawn to pain” and this article came up. So on point. I’m happy I found it.
When I’m angry and upset I paint dark pictures – like a small group of trees alone in the middle of a ploughed field in heavy rain with multiple lightning strikes hitting the trees. Later I have to paint some bright flowers as an antidote!
I am an ISTJ, but I am also inexplicably drawn to sad things, especially sad music. I don’t have well developed feeling functions but listening to sad music helps me feel immersed in my own world. This sensation is difficult to convey in words. I feel like certain sad things lend themselves to my temperament while others don’t. When it comes to explaining this odd relationship to others I rely on mental imagery, since I use predominantly introverted sensing. I might be an unusual ISTJ. I am moody, pensive and unenthusiastic most of the time. Sometimes other people don’t see it because I don’t usually show my emotions too much. I’m actually quite depressed. I feel like my dependence on introverted sensing is also impeding my recovery from.depredsion. As a Thinking type, I am expected to be logical and objective but most of the time I find myself overtaken by negative thoughts or emotions. Unfortunately my feeling functions are incredibly immature and it is almost impossible for me to navigate my inner world relying on them. Since I don’t use my intuitive functions much I don’t really gain any valuable insight through reflection or by experimenting with different possibilities. I use Extraverted Sensing moderately so I have a tendency towards indulging in unhealthy habits. Kind of a tragic situation, I guess. I am not very brainiac and I don’t derive as much satisfaction from intellectual activities as some of my friends. I don’t have many hands-on hobbies either. Most people see me as quite academic and meticulous, but that’s not who I am. Sorry, I am wandering off topic. I guess I just wanna share who I am a little bit and see if anyone relates.
INFP Here! I’ve always known that I was drawn to sad things but never really thought about it. Liking sad things is just normal for me. However, I sorta found out that not all people liked what I liked when I became a College Professor and gave a reading list of poems, essays and short stories that were all melancholic and almost all dealt with death and grief (ex. Poems: Annabel Lee, The Highwayman, The Lady of Shalott) (ex. Short play: The Valiant). While discussing the poem (The Raven) a student pointed out how much I liked sad, melancholic and tragic stories… That was when it hit me that they all found it odd while it was perfectly normal for me to have these works as my favorites… My sister even finds it odd that my favorite book is Withering Heights….
As an INFP, l am a natural creator and artist. To me good art is something that makes you feel something… A pretty picture in a frame is just that, something in the background that doesn’t inspire deep thought or feeling, does it?
Indeed, l am also drawn to sad music! I have lived a turbulent, difficult life due to narcissistic abuse. It brings me comfort that l am not alone in my suffering and l appreciate that from out of a place of pain, a moving piece of art had been created. I am also blessed with an unusually low voice, l am a Contralto. The deep, rich and dark contralto sound can be quite haunting, somber, melancholic. A voice that has so much more depth, weight and gravity to it, you can’t help but listen. The messages they carry are often stirring, profound, emotionally affecting. For instance, Toni is famous for her “gut-wrenching Alto”, you literally hear and see her in pain, but oh her warm and deep voice is so rich and luxurious. The mysterious yet blunt and forthright Contralto of Amy Winehouse is always distinctive and memorable.
I naturally have a lugubrious, dark voice all the way up to my top register… My sister would literally tell me to stop singing (so high) it made her sad (????). A wonderful contralto who has this quality in pop is singer LYVES. Everytime l listen to fellow contraltos l feel I’m connecting with spiritual sisters… Like Stevie Nicks’ “Sisters of the Moon”. I am ADDICTED to the sad and melancholy tunes. They suit my voice best. Besides, these songs allow listeners to LUXURIATE in low, rich tones. Sade is the contralto Queen of the Quiet Storm.
Contralto being the rarest female voice of all is often misunderstood and criminally underrepresented or appreciated. I hope one day l will write a book on this subject.
As both a contralto and an INFP, l am thankful that this site exists. I feel validated for my unique, fabulous self. I know l have much to contribute to the world with my insight, perspectives and artistic gifts. Thank you!
INFJ here. I am drawn to sad things, but also dark and twisty things. I love dark, sad books, anything that evokes strong emotions. When I write it’s with a lot of emotion, but never bright happy feelings. I need sad things to help purge the build up of emotions I have. I bottle things up and then purge those feelings by having a good cry with a sad book or movie.
Hi, I’m trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Ever since I was little, I’ve always been intrigued by really dark things. Like REALLY dark. I remember when I was eight and I read my older sister’s book and it was about people who were molested as children sharing their stories, and it made me so sad, but i couldn’t stop reading. I was sad, but also greatly intrigued by the people who had suffered from these awful acts. I remember when i was about 6 or 7, I would imagine that I was a homeless women with a baby who was greatly suffering, or a child in Alaska who was freezing to death and struggling to survive. I’ve always been extremely creative, but I’ve also seemed to lean more to the dark side. I Know that things such as abuse, homelessness, starvation and all things in that category are NOT pretty and not okay at all, and I greatly hurt for the people who go through those things, I mean I can’t even watch a video of a someone talking about something like their husband passing away 30 years ago without bursting into tears. I find myself, not wanting those awful things to happen to me, in my life, but if I could like be reincarnated I wouldn’t mind being reincarnated as a child who was being abused, or who was born in a really poor country, or who was born to the gang life lives of great PAIN, I sometimes even catch myself feeling that over a being reincarnated to a HAPPY easy care free life. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, long before I suffered with depression. I try to stop but i just can’t stop being drawn to these kinds of things, yeah fantasizing about being a little girl who was sexually abused and can’t function normally might make me cry my eyes out and wanna die because of how gross this world is, but I can’t stop, and I don’t want to, but I feel like this is a problem. I feel like it’s not okay and am to ashamed to talk to someone about it so can anyone help me??
I’m attracted to really dark and twisted things, like abuse, and poverty and stuff. Like, I can’t imagine any of that stuff happening to me, and don’t want it to, but I feel like if i had gotten reincarnated into a life of severe abuse or harm, I wouldn’t mind. It baffles me because I hurt so deeply for people who go through those things, but I’m so intrigued and attracted to those things, I have been for as long as I can remember. I don’t know if this is wrong, but I feel like it is. Can someone help?
also, I remember when I was like eight reading a book about these people who were molested as children sharing their stories (it was my 14 year old sisters) and I was so sad, but also so intrigued. I couldn’t stop reading. I remember when i was about 6 or 7 and I was playing like I was a homeless women with a baby, or a starving child in Alaska nearly freezing to death. I’ve always been extremely creative, but it seems I’ve always tended to lean more to the dark side. I’m a very sensitive person, like I can’t watch a video on someone talking about the love of their life passing away 30 years ago without bursting out in tears. I know that all these things suck, and are just painful and hurtful so I don’t know why I’m so drawn to them. I couldn’t imagine these things happening to me, and wouldn’t want to, but I wouldn’t mind being reincarnated into someone else who did go through those things, sometimes even perferring that over a happy easy care free life. I’m somewhere between extrovert and introvert, love socializing, can spark up a conversation with anyone, but I love being alone to. Is there something wrong with me?
I’m not anybody special, I couldn’t tell you from an educated background whether there’s something wrong or not. However, I have a feeling that you’re not alone. I never write comments on anything, but your’s is the first comment I’ve seen in which talks about being “intrigued” by dark painful things. This is something I’ve been curious about for awhile. I don’t think it’s a strange thing necessarily. I think that for same reasons that this article explains why some people are “drawn to sad things,” the same goes for sadness which is also painful, or feelings of anger, or just strong emotions. I think this may be because, human beings are not made to be happy all the time. Life is hard, we all know this. When you spend your time unable to be yourself and “feel” the way you want to, or the way you intuitively know you should be feeling, I think you begin to yearn for ways to express it/ feel it. I think desire to feel pain can come from wanting to understand it. Wanting to know how much people have suffered so that you may understand/relate to it. Or maybe because you’ve seen that the world is cruel, and begin to wonder, how on Earth could I possibly be feeling just happy, when the reality is showing me that life about so much more than that. Missing out on so many wonderful/terrible feelings, despite them maybe being painful etc etc. as strange as that may sound. We know they are a part of life, they are still- feelings that are “human” to us all. It would seem really sad to ignore your true feelings, and just pent it up until it hurts so bad you can’t take it anymore. This could be a way of saying, something’s missing, the people around me are ignoring something that I think is very important…everyone seems afraid to be themselves, they’re in pain but they can’t express their pain, so instead they start drinking and taking drugs to let it out. I want to help them understand that it’s okay to cry or let it out. In a way, crying is beautiful, because it means the person has accepted their feelings. Maybe because you understand this, you want to help those who are in pain accept their feelings, and so you in turn through listening to what is causing pain, adopt pain in a way, so that you can guide them through accepting and make them feel as if they finally have someone to turn to, and in which you both feel a beautiful sense of sadness and understanding. I used sadness as an example, but anger can be just as beautiful, in it’s own way. Of course, in life, if you have a job, if you have kids, you just can’t ignore those things to feel the way you want to right? There’s lots of big factor in which lead to keeping your “composure,” for good or for worse. And painful/strong feelings tend to take a toll on the bodies energy, which leaves you exhausted. But I think, what drives a lot of artists is these kinds desires to feel or recognize these feelings. You try to tell people, “Won’t you take a look at sadness or anger from this angle?” So if you’re into art, or even if you’re not, I would say own it! Be yourself and love yourself and all that jazz…. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I kinda spilled lots of words into this comment, I hope it makes sense, and if I misunderstood anything or am spreading misinformation, then I’m sorry… I think when you look at everyone as human beings, this helps tremendously to understand feelings.
hi m8
i left you an honest reply, it might get removed, probably 100 percent removed
im infp-t mediator empath, i have had a life of misery and painful abuse, and drawn to the darker things on this planet, its ecstasy so lovely to live in misery and abuse, i hope the moderators dont remove my reply, its honest to the point of a painful read
but it was so nice
peter
I have often felt a certain comfort in sadness; perhaps that’s why I prefer winter and rainy days than sunshine. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy the warmth of the sun or that I’m not generally a happy person, but sadness appeals to me and I have never known why.
Shaun – INFJ
Yipe, this is so true. Also sadness brings out the inspiration to be artistic in my case. I usually draw or paint when I am sad or in darkness.
INFP here (I think). I similarly googled “finding sad things beautiful” and this came up. I’ve always been drawn to melancholy music and stories. This helps explain why and to realize there are others out there!
On a side note, I’m curious if anyone else feels offended by “cheap” sad things (i.e. the “Christmas Shoes” song or “Marley and Me”?). These just seem contrived for the sole purpose of making someone cry, which feels just as false as the other extreme (a Hallmark movie.) No offense, Hallmark fans! 🙂
Glad you found my page! I’m an INFJ, and I also get annoyed by “cheap” sad things. I feel like I’m being manipulated, and I don’t like that!
INFP here. Poetry is my main mode of transportation when I’m driving on misery highway.
I’ll spend hours brooding and connecting words to create tragic stories. There are few things that satisfy me like diving into and exploring sadness.
Thanks for writing this up! Helps me understand something society deems taboo about myself.
Remember, folks, google is a brand name, not a verb. Our poor school kids are growing up without knowing about the variety of search engines available, and the biases various multinationals might have…we can help by using “search for” rather than “google.” Just a gentle suggestion to help the non-powerful and correct injustice, which is right up our alley.
Thanks to the author for the last paragraph. Even the idea of seeking out and enjoying “sad things” is horrifying to this INFJ.
I find the absolute beauty in sadness. I get to consumed by it. Every Christmas season I watch all the Hallmark movies realizing it is just fantasy. I find releif & positive energy from them. Ive seen so many aweful things of this world; War, Death, Murderers, Rapists & Starvation first hand. I sometimes just have to block it al out to regain my enery through the winter. In the pring I live for hiking & kayaking in the forest & rivers of Florida.
I am one of the two out of the eight who finds sad things overwhelming. I have female friends and relatives who love watching sad movies and try to drag me along. They all say how cathartic the experience is for them and how it will be good for me. The reality for me is if the main focus of the movie is sadness I am left feeling shattered and haunted. It can take me days to get my equilibrium back. I avoid sad movies unless I believe they contain some important life lesson that is worth the agony of watching it. In which case I try to watch it alone and definitely not in a movie theatre. I find it difficult to explain to others how extreme this agony is and generally end up offending them because I won’t work in with their plans.
So, It’s normal that Leonard Cohen is my favorite artist? And that Never Let Me Go is a movie I haven’t been able to get out of my head for years? Good to know. (INFP)
I crave sadness. its therapeutic to be surrounded by it because it won’t give false happiness where you believed a deeper connection than was actually there with other people content to exist on a shallow emotional level. I’ve been nicknamed “Tink,” short for Tinkerbell, which I think is very appropriate because I love lost things and people. Found/vintage/antique objects have an unspoken story and history they’ve witnessed and I always see a new use for them. My favorite people tend to feel just as lost in society. I love how you pointed out that INFjs want to immediately hear someone’s sad/painful story. I crave people who reciprocate my openness and vulnerability in their own lives. I’ve been fortunate to be able to use this part of myself into being a good listener to my students.
I’m a 50 year old man and I’ve always been drawn to melancholy. I’ve always been kind and thoughtful but always alone. I am an infj type btw.
Thank you for your articles, I very much enjoy reading them.
Best regards, Dave.
I disagree. I’m mostly INFJ with some INFP, and I wouldn’t use the words “beautiful” or “attractive” to describe why I’m drawn to those who are suffering or depictions of lonely landscapes. I am drawn to those things because I identify with them an am always looking for a way to connect with others. I’ve always been a loner with just a few good friends, but since i became disabled in 2013, I’ve been almost totally isolated because I can’t go outside of my home anymore to seek that connection. My best friend died in 2014, one moved to another country, so that leaves my friend in another state and social media. But I’ve become so sad that I hardly ever communicate except via social media. Well, there’s another reason ( other than INFJ/P reasons), too, that I prefer writing to speaking – I was tested at place that does extensive ADHD testing, and they found that I don’t process auditory information the way other people do. I hear the sounds, but it takes my brain a bit longer to organize them into coherent info. That explains how I can read & write other languages, but have trouble conversing in them. INFJ’s hate talking on the phone, etc. Can you imagine what it’s like for an INFJ/P who has trouble processing language/sounds to begin? My friends and family don’t understand and take it personally? They refuse to message and text, so I’ve lost touch with everyone, especially my mom. Social media is all I have left. So, now I have no one. So, now I have no one, and because of what I’ve been through in life (rape, torture, sexual assault, betrayal by authority figures, physical & emotional abuse, etc.), I wish sometimes that I would just die so the suffering would be over. I won’t kill myself because it doesn’t solve anything and it would mess-up my son even more than I have since I became disabled & unable to be the mother I always was before my accident. Now, he’s leaving in August, and because of Covid, I will never be ready to move out in time – i have to move out when he does. I have no idea how I’m going to get healthy enough in time to get everything done by then. So, if anyone has any ideas, knows of any resources, and can even just send positive vibes my way, I’d really appreciate it. But I’m not attracted to sad stuff, nor do I find it beautiful – if I could end all of the suffering in the world right now, I’d do it. However, I can relate to sadness, so when I see it, I want to do what I can to alleviate it. I will admit, though, that watching or reading fictional sadness is cathartic for me. – I don’t usually cry for myself, (I’m more apt to scream…lol) , so at least I get some release that way….but not nearly enough. If I had ever had a good self-esteem, I probably would have gone into acting, or singing, or at least have done something with them, but between the two of them, my parents had totally destroyed me before I even started kindergarten. Now, here I am at 54, still struggling with self-love, and totally isolated for the past several years. And I know I have to do something to change my situation, and fast, but I have no idea what, or even where to start.
Hi Tami, I just wanted to write to you to let you know you aren’t alone. Your comment resonated with me and I don’t really know what to say except that I’m really proud of you and you’re doing a great job. I wish I knew you in real life because I’d be your friend and listen and support you. There are more people out there who would too and I’m sorry that you can’t get out of your house but I know that your son loves you so much and so do I even though I’m just a stranger. I really care about your wellbeing and I want you to feel good!
AHHH damn it! I wrote a whole paragraph and the page reloaded and deleted it. Grrr! To summarize what I said, I was talking about how the point of life is to experience the smallest things in life such as a small breeze, your cells splitting, your fingers touching the trillions of molecules that make up your phone, to the biggest events, such as events in space and the sun glowing. Every day is a new experience, time is always moving and everything happens unexpectedly. You never know what’s going to happen next and that is such an interesting thing. Life is so short, and I was stuck in a sort of rut kind of like you for a long time, contemplating life and death and thinking about the meaning of things. I came to a conclusion that I’ve lived my whole life, and I’m here at this moment in time. Why should I not continue to go on? I did it before! And I realized something- life is so short! People live up to 80,90,100. People with disabilities live that long. People who have mental illness live that long. I can do just the same, even though sometimes it’s REALLY HARD. But it’s ok because it ALWAYS and I mean always. Gets better. After a low in life there is always another high! Now I’m NOT saying you are doing something wrong, at all. You aren’t. Your feelings and emotions are 100% valid and NORMAL. You are normal. And there are so many other people out there who feel the same exact way as you, unfortunately or fortunately, whatever the case, it’s easy to get into that mindset or emotion or feeling that you are alone, or you feel stuck with your thoughts. Everyone does that, it’s a human thing. It’s very annoying but we’re all together on that one. I just want to tell you that I am very proud of you. I don’t know you, I am a stranger, but I just can tell that you are a very trustworthy and caring person. I just know that and that Id gladly be your friend if I knew you personally. I’d support you and listen and talk to you, and there are more people out there that would! It’s hard to realize sometimes but it’s definitely true.
Also, you’re incredibly strong, and I’m envious of that. You remind me of my mother, she is very caring, and has gone through a lot of extremely emotionally and physically tolling stuff. But right now, in this moment in time, she’s upstairs and she’s doing some work and she is safe and she’s happy. You are safe too in this moment in time, and you’re stationary or doing whatever you’re doing and you’re OK! I’m so proud of you. You are doing. FREAKING. AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!! And you’re incredibly strong and your mind is able and remember it is controlled by YOU and you only! You can do it! You probably already have been, but you should talk or text with your son! I know he loves you dearly and if you haven’t been texting him I know that he would be excited to get a notification from you right now. I know I’m just a stranger on the internet and not a friend in person but I can be a friend online and support you here. I know there are also support groups online (with covid) that help people support each other who were victims of rape or just simply to be able to talk to others and relate to them. You could definitely go online right now if you wish and just look one up and there will be caring people who will support and listen to you that would probably be more helpful than my comment. I’m not saying you need to but you should just because you can and it probably would be really nice to see other people’s faces during this quarantine time. You would also most definitely meet people who you could make friends with. I wish you the BEST and I’ve said this so much but I have to say it again because I mean it. I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!! I wish my other paragraph didn’t get deleted ughh! But that’s just a problem I had with the webpage. Grr, anyways seriously proud of you and I love you and you’re doing such a good job. LOVE, -Lila
Sending positive vibes Tami xxxooo
INFP here. I’ve always been drawn to melancholy music and the sad stories of others. In fact, it’s exactly because an online friend of mine had a bad backstory that I trusted her! Before now, I always thought that I was drawn to these things because I liked how sad it made me feel afterwards(which sounds so damn emo). Now, I think I have a better understanding of how it works.
I also feel the same! You aren’t alone girl! We all as humans are different and we like different things, but that does NOT make us weird or abnormal! Hope you’re having a good day! -Lila
I may have married a man to put myself in an offer-situation. Does it make any sense to you? I am an INFJ and longing for a deep and honest relationship but maybe I was seeking loneliness and sadness unconsciously. My husband has a chronic illness with moderate pain which makes him quite an unpleasant (not really nice) family member most of the time. His mood has ups and downs but mostly downs. I have endured this patiently and lovingly the last 30 years but I can barely keep on doing it anymore. He says that I have no empathy at all and it can be real for him because I often avoid him and immerse myself in different projects when I am home.
I love sad things. I usually say that I like when life is sweet and sour at the same time. Sadness makes me soft and beautifully emotional on the inside. I loved characters in fiction books who needed to bury their true feelings and suffered a lot. This is what I have been doing in my whole life. This is surely not a healthy INFJ thing though.
Dear Nausikka,
I want to start this off by saying. You are one HUNDRED percent normal and valid. Your emotions and feelings are NORMAL and valid!!! It can be hard to remember at times but it is so true, Ok?. I am so sorry that you are not feeling understood or connected with your husband right now. However, this does not mean YOU have a problem. There are people out there that we cannot connect with, there are people we can connect with, and sometimes it’s hard to get thoughts across. It happens to everyone. I am the same as you with the sadness thing, you aren’t alone in that! In fact as this article states so many people feel that way, and they don’t have to be infp or infj! Everyone is different in what makes them happy (or any emotion because emotions are hard to pinpoint, it can make you feel a mix of sad-happy-longing-empty-alone-excited or whatever) and it doesn’t make you abnormal or weird in the slightest. Trust me. There are people out there that ARE the same as you, you are most definitely not alone, and I’m not saying that to comfort you, it’s actually the truth. There are people out there looking for friends that they can connect to emotionally and just vibe with, they’re looking for people like you. I can most definitely tell that you are someone I’d want to be friends with. You are caring, thoughtful, introspective, and supportive and I can tell that simply just from your comment. You are a gem that everyone needs in their life; and your husband not really connecting with your emotions or anything on that lower level that is really important to you is NOT the end of it. It doesn’t mean you’re hard to connect to. It simply is something between you two. It DOESNT mean however that there’s something wrong with you or him. It just means you two are not similar in that part of your personality which is normal, again! I think you should join a support group (not because you have a problem, but just because support groups are safe spaces where there is comfort and support and relating to others) or just look online for groups maybe in your area that you could join and talk to people on. Maybe there’s a group in your neighborhood that sits on benches and just talks about things (there is in mine). There are many opportunities to meet new people, but you don’t need to feel rushed either. I’m not expecting you to make the best friends ever by tomorrow (not saying you can’t) but remember, you’re in control of your mind and only you! You are strong and capable. I am SO FREAKING PROUD OF YOU!!!!! Best wishes, Lila ❤️????????????
I’m an aesthetic, I often see beauty in the pain and struggle
Yes, I am definitely drawn to sadness. Other people don’t understand why I like movies that don’t necessarily have a happy ending, and neither did I until I read this article. I think I am drawn to sad things more than I thought I was, and I definitely feel other people’s pain. Just seeing another person crying, or thinking of another person crying, makes me cry. I am also very much drawn to abandoned places and things wondering what the happened there before it was left to deteriorate and then I can’t help but imagine different scenarios of it’s story.
I feel exactly the same! There’s something mysterious and intriguing about those abandoned and quiet places that draw me in, I’m not sure what it is but it’s beautiful! I’m glad we can both relate together! -Lila
I wholeheartedly agree. It feels comforting to know someone shares these feelings. When recently asked what movies I like, I replied: “romance, drama, action, but usually they’re sad. I guess I like to be depressed.” I then had to follow up with examples and an explanation. It’s hard to explain to other people why I cry when I see someone else cry.
Wonderfully true! I always thought myself to be a bit odd, often going out of my way to feel sadness and pain, vicariously through my favorite TV series or films. As a kid, it was mainly through books. But once I learned to embrace that part of me, I was all the better for it. We INFJs are emotionally rich; it’s part of what allows us to deeply understand others (even when we don’t necessarily choose to!). I believe, the choosing of sadness via favorite TV series is a controlled and comforting way of processing my very colorful, and at times darker, emotions. Sometimes my favorite characters even feel like dear friends… of course, not in a out-of-touch way. Mostly, just in a therapeutic way.
I’m an INFP and I lost a very dear loved one awhile ago, but it feels like I’m subconsciously still in shock of the loss. I still find myself crying when this was so long ago and I’ve told myself to move on because I’ll see them later, if God permits. But, since the loss, there is has been so much good happening in my family, lately. Like, I feel like I’m getting closer to that person every day. Time just flies. The loss was my mom and she died of cancer. I really hope that whoever is still grieving, please know that they are watching over you, guiding you, and that God is always here, with His loving arms open until you are ready to continue with your life.
I believe it to be 2 things as well:
1) They are more introspective than other types and tend
2) and I believe this to be a very big factor: I have a theory that some people evolve into INFJ and INFPs due to trauma – and that their true type only can be revealed through extensive therapy. The INFJs and INFPs ability to mirror/absorb a feeling so intensely that they almost to a psychic level are able to know what other people feel is a survival mechanism for people that have experienced trauma in childhood. So is extensive listening to a point where you don’t disclose anything about yourself (in order to project yourself from criticism). These 2 things are characteristics of some ways of reacting to trauma. It’s Pete Walker who describes this in his book “Complex PTSD” – a book that is helpful for all people who have experienced childhood trauma, whether or not they are diagnosed with PTSD.
This is interesting. I like how you connected the two literature resources. If gives an infp a bit of relief to have more inner-exploration of myself to ponder on- since I love to do that. I am a deep thinker of the self and the world around me.
I think this is why I’m attracted to Cluster B.
Their wounded child behind the mask makes me want to comfort them, put a band-aid on their wounds. But, more profoundly, their lack of empathy causes my “Fe” radar to not work overtime, it’s nice to not get interference sometimes, and their emptiness, actively avoided by being always in the present moments is a huge relief from my overthinking. I long to live on a desert island sometimes.
INFJs are designed to deal with Cluster Bs, we have traits that are naturally defensive towards them: Door Slam is the same as going “no contact”; INFJs are hard to get to know so it’s harder to manipulate us if you don’t know us very well; our introspection makes us understand who we are – we intimately know our own strengths and weaknesses so it’s almost impossible to “gas light” us; we are highly self-reliant so trying to do a “smear campaign” will only be beneficial for someone that values their alone time. INFJs have excellent people skills, psychological warfare is something you don’t want to engaged with a triggered shadow INFJ. Plus, we are excellent at spotting predatory behavior.
A mature INFJ that enhances their boundary skills (“harmony” seems to make us late bloomers at mature boundary functions), finally…learns to avoid them.
People can complicate things, that’s why being on a desert island is one of my re-occurring day dreams….
Recently, I was telling my family that I am drawn to Willow Trees. I cannot explain it, but I relate to those lonely, droopy, yet strong trees. It is weird and something I cannot explain. Thankyou so much for your article. Jesus too was the “man of sorrows.”
Surely it’s fairly simple – if you are aware that people will all die, that no one here now will be here in 200 years, that everything around you will disappear and be replaced, and that, in the end, everything is dust be blown around in different patterns …. well, that’s quite sad. That all human endeavour and achievement is so poignant, because it’s basically pointless – unless you help someone else, or make a connection, or something, and have some other momentary impact. But even that disappears.
If you are aware of that, then it is all sad. So sadness becomes more than just not-happiness, it’s more pervasive and, in a way, more real. More lasting. It becomes about what you pass on, and what you don’t pass on.
And not all types really connect with that.
Ben, you put words to something that I have always felt, but could never find the words to say.
Yes, indeed. All of that.
I think this may also represent the INFs that are type 4s as that is one of the main traits of type 4s the melancholia and fixation on sadness etc. and there is apparently a strong correlation with type 4s and INFJ/INFPs MBTI types. That could also explain why some don’t identify that way as not all INFs will be type 4s specifcally.
I am an INFP, and I am positively drawn to sadness. From Edgar Allen Poe’s “Annabelle Lee” to Bronte’s “Wuthering Heights,” from the death of Ophella in “Hamlet” to the demise of our star-crossed lovers in “Romeo and Juliet.” As you can tell, I earned a BA in English and taught high school English for 33 years. Steeped in sadness my whole life.
As my creative writing tutor responded to the poem I’d written for homework – “Written with your trademark melancholy.” Thought it was because of the years I’d spent involved with a charity supporting those who’d experienced a neonatal death – but maybe I chose to become so involved because I am an INFJ?
These heady truths,
complex and grounded,
dotted and weighted lines,
prose like sunken treasure.
wow, great lines, loved it.
I’m an INFP male and whenever i think maybe i’m mistyped, I end my self doubt by knowing my relationship with all things sad or distressing is foundational to who i am. The frequency of which I contemplate and feel sadness of the human condition and the sorrows of others is at levels that could be considered an indulgence or addiction. Yet it seldom depletes or depresses me and mostly everyone I know is unaware of my emotional gravitation towards the melancholy. I’m not ashamed of this trait but also feel it shouldn’t be a public parade to attract applause or kudos. It’s very private and no big deal to feel empathy. Furthermore, tuning into life’s heartaches is my moral, social and spiritual obligation. Considering all the suffering and sorrows this world has to offer I do not have the right to ignore it or not feel it, even when my personal sphere is somewhat hedonistic and absent of unremitting unhappiness. Whereas feeling joy with and for other’s happiness, good fortune, is uplifting, being long suffering is what shapes the spiritual side of myself. But hey, that’s just me and what I believe, I doubt it would work for everyone. I’m not even sure it’s definitely an INFP thing.