10 Things You Should Never Say to an INFJ
As an INFJ, words are very powerful to you. You think hard about what you say and how you say it, being careful to choose just the right phrase to fit the occasion. You try to think of perspectives and alternate viewpoints, trying to take into consideration everyone’s point of view. When other people use words carelessly or refuse to see your viewpoint it can feel draining to spend time with them.
We’re all triggered by different statements and words more than others. In general, everyone hates hearing “calm down”, “relax”, or “you’re being too sensitive”. When I spoke with members of each personality type, across the board everyone hated those statements. Nobody wants to feel like they’re being irrational, regardless of their thinking or feeling preference. But what especially triggers the perceptive, empathetic INFJs? Let’s take a look.
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“Let Me Stop You Right There…”
INFJs think hard before they speak, and they like to have the chance to complete one thought before moving onto another. Interruptions and being cut off in the middle of a sentence will exasperate them because they often need to take some time to feel that their message is fleshed out properly.
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“Get Over It”
When INFJs have been hurt they need time to heal and think through how to move forward. Being rushed to “get over” what happened will make them feel irritated and misunderstood.
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“That’ll Never Happen”
The insights and predictions of the INFJ are often met with skepticism by other types. Because their premonitions are often the result of a “hunch”, sensing types tend to be wary of accepting them. This is usually a bad idea, because INFJ insights are often scarily accurate.
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“I’ve Got You Figured Out”
Sorry. You don’t.
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“Here’s Some Advice”
INFJs don’t appreciate unsolicited advice unless someone has an extremely thorough knowledge of the subject at hand. Think hard before giving advice to an INFJ, if they are really struggling with something, chances are they’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out solutions already.
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“You’re Too Serious. Lighten Up!”
INFJs take life seriously and have difficulty just “living it up” in the moment. Typologist A.J. Drenth says of INFJs, “Because Ni perceives the world so differently and profoundly, INFJs often experience a sense of loneliness and isolation, even when they are with other people. Depression may also arise from the feeling that their ideals and insights are not being recognized or actualized in the world. They may see the world as deaf to, or unconcerned with, the truths they espouse. INFJs may, therefore, question their value in a world that seems indifferent to their insights.” Read his entire article here.
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“Everyone Like This Does That”
Generalizations. These are the bane of the INFJ’s existence. People are nuanced and life is complicated, and INFJs realize that there are a million and one different reasons why people do the things they do. Hasty generalizations about broad groups of people make INFJs instantly irritable. For example, “All INFJs don’t know how to be logical!” or “All Republicans/Liberals believe (some extremist viewpoint).” INFJs may even find themselves playing devil’s advocate against themselves just to discount a generalization!
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“You’re Not Trying Hard Enough!”
INFJs are major perfectionists and generally try hard at just about everything. What are they not trying hard enough to do? Is it really important? Could there be a better way of encouraging them? Probably.
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“I’ll Never Understand You”
INFJs tend to feel misunderstood most of the time, but being told that the hope of being understood is out of reach or impossible can be an incredibly depressing realization.
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“Your Idea is Weird. Let’s Go the Traditional Route.”
INFJs are visionaries who like to try new and innovative ways of doing things. Using the “tried and true” method can be frustrating for them. They don’t automatically respect tradition or repetitive techniques. Give their ideas a chance before automatically reverting to a traditional method.
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What Are Your Thoughts?
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Let’s see, “aren’t you over-reacting, being too sensitive, too dramatic”. “you don’t know that will happen…” “You’re over-thinking” No, NO, No, Yes I do, no I am not.
and my favorite: “you;re thinking way too big” I contend that the folks that say this have minds unable to grasp the infinite glory of the universe and how all things are connected. Step aside and let the grownups handle this.
I am redhead and an INFJ….I am basically a freaking unicorn. Kneel down before me. (just kidding….a little)
I’m so glad to hear someone else say that. My entire life I’ve been called “high strung”, too sensitive, what I’m thinking is wrong, and “You shouldn’t feel that way!”. I want to say, “Really? And just how SHOULD I feel? Like you do?” I spent 3 years on a shrink’s couch getting deprogrammed from all the garbage put in my head by a family who didn’t even TRY to understand me. It didn’t help that I was orphaned at ten years old and raised by relatives.
Thank you for being so damn RIGHT about what we’re expected to lower ourselves to. Only reddish blond here, but…
You shouldn’t feel that way
11) “You have a problem with authority”
I have a problem with the abuse of authority… Nothing ticks me off more than an unreasonable authority, or someone who oversteps their bounds and meddles with stuff that is out of their jurisdiction.
12) “I’m going to be your Jedi Master”
Uh, no, sorry. By definition, I’M the Jedi Master. I literally had an ESTJ tell me that recently. LOL
13) “What are you doing?” (Negative inflection with a heavy implication of “you stupid idiot”)
Everything I do has been thought out at least five different ways (if I’m in a hurry… if I have time to think, it’s more like 20 different ways). Having my actions questioned puts the questioner on my no-fly list… Respect means trusting that I have 10 VERY good reasons for what I do.
14) *Random patronizing explanation of why someone does something*
*Me thinking* You have no idea that I already know everything about that person, do you? (Accompanied by the Sideways Judging Eyeballs and Quizzical Eyebrow of Seriously??)
15) “You wouldn’t understand”
Oh honey child, I understand everything. EVERYTHING. Including the paralyzing insecurity that is causing you to put me down in order to feel better about yourself. The thing is, I usually don’t burst people’s insecurity bubbles because THEY wouldn’t understand.
??
“Think about it for a minute ” ….ummm I have
“You’re your own worst enemy”… I’m thinking that maybe you are!
I get this. I’m married to an INFJ. But what SHOULD you say to an INFJ? INFJs are not always right or always perfect. Sometimes he does need to consider another point of view. Sometimes he is over sensitive. He’s human. We all are. So how does one talk to an INFJ? Don’t only tell me things I can’t say to him.
Sorry it took so long for someone to step up and answer you; I just found your question.
You are absolutely right, we are as finite and fallible as anyone else. I make no claims to speak for all INFJs, but I can share what I know of myself.
I can handle correction gracefully if, and only if, that correction is being given in a manner that is not dismissive. The moment I am treated dismissively is the moment that person has lost any place to bring that correction. If, on the other hand, the person hears me out, but still respectfully disagrees, I will calmly hear them out.
As far as sensitivity goes, that too needs to be treated respectfully. I do not need to be less sensitive, my sensitivity simply needs to be tempered. If you approach his sensitivity from the perspective of loving him and wanting him to become in practice everything you see in him, I have no doubt he will move heaven and earth to grow into the man you see.
I hope this helps.
Its kind of frustrating knowing that no one will ever understand me. Everyones relying on what they think I am. But if they only pay attention to every little details I pay when I open up they would know Im far from what they’re thinking. Sometimes opening up isnt really the best choice I ever did lol. I gotta leave this earth.
“You need to talk more.” Hate hearing that. I’ll talk if I feel like talking!
This! People treat my quiet demeanor like it’s a sin.
I don’t like to be asked why after I make a statement. I thought I was pretty specific in the comment I made to my husband.
Not even kidding, the first one filled me with pure rage XD
I’m a proud INFJ and my teacher would say that so me when teaching me hair stuff, after she had said she wasn’t going to stop me or say anything, just watch me. (It was a Cosmetology class)
Dismissing your sensitivity to something because someone else who went through it wasn’t as affected. BAM. How dare you write me off for not being someone else.
One thing that really stresses me out as an INFJ is when someone notices I am seriously upset and tries to comfort me by talking on and on and on. This ALWAYS CAUSES ME MORE STRESS. What I really need is just some expression to let me know they care. Then, leave me alone and let me find comfort in my own way. Usually that involves distracting myself with some other activity or line of thought. When a person who undoubtedly means well keeps talking about the cause of mu distress, it is like having salt rubbed deeper and deeper into a wound or using a knife on an open cut and cutting deeper and deeper into it. I want to run away from them when someone does this. Other things I fear: 1) Being questioned by overly inquisitive friends about personal matters, 2) Being openly judged and/or given feedback by people who have no knowledge or understanding of the differences in people. 3) Having company forced upon me. 4) The telephone. I hate it! I especially hate receiving useless communications about things I don’t want or need. 5) Heights. 6) Losing loved ones, especially my children and/or grandchildren. 7) Flying in airplanes.. (Although I used to dream that I could free fly, just raising my arms and soaring on the wind currents as high as I want and wherever I want). 8) Displeasing the most important people in my life and/or my God. 9) Wasting my whole life by living in my head thus never accomplishing anything. 10) Feeling trapped in uncomfortable situations or groups.
The title of the article is incomplete. When you use the word “should” it has to be followed up with an “if” statement to assert the purpose of the suggestion. For example “10 things you should never say to an INFJ if you want to avoid conflict”. To me as an ENTP I read the article as 10 things not to say if you want to give the INFJ the safe space they seemingly all need according to how they are usually described. And if you know ENTP the list is basically saying to us “say these things for hilarious results”
Bingo! In one regard, I thank you for putting my peeves on paper. In another regard, I pride myself on being unique and since I recently found out my personality type I am learning that I am really just like so many other INFJ’S ?.
“Hitler was an infj”, yeah he just twitted his 16 personality test results, what a shock.
Don’t write things as if they are facts if you just assume them.
You’re right, it’s not fact for sure. It just is the opinion of a lot of typologists, but it could be wrong!
But noone ever says, “youre not trying hard enough” to me. Its always “you try too hard.” which is upsetting because it makes me feel ridiculous of who I am. Its just me to go above & beyond when it comes to my ideals.
Yeah, I certainly get the latter more often. But I have gotten a “Try harder!” before in a sort of playful manner from a peer because I’d failed. It wasn’t till then that I learned it hurt just as much as someone saying, “You’re trying too hard.”
As an INFJ, it is hard for me to let people in when I’m feeling sad or lonely. At work, I have a very sweet colleague who can’t help barely listening to what I say, even when I’m being very vulnerable and it’s something very serious, so she can jump into a whole bunch of stuff about herself or her family members. I want to say, “Can we stay focused on me for a little while?” usually, what she says are things I’ve heard many times before. She is a high extrovert and doesn’t know what it costs me to open up. I’m figuratively lying their bleeding saying I’ve had an amputation, and she says,” My son once got a bad papercut… “
That must have been frustrating for you, Tina.
I can certainly understand the feeling of not getting a word in edgewise.
It can be hard to find someone who’ll give the time of day, and who we feel we can trust, but there are gems out there and I sincerely hope you find one around you.
Take care.
I will say, I’m an infj, and I noticed myself bringing conversations back around to me when I was incredibly depressed. I wasn’t interacting with anybody from The real world, so whenever people would bring issues to me, I would bring up my past experiences in an attempt to relate to them. she might just be doing that because she’s extroverted and it’s her way of trying to relate to you. When you’re introverted all the time, and don’t share much with the world, you’re not really giving them anything to grasp onto as far as a conversation would go. Just think of it like she’s trying to be a little more personal with you, kind of like a you share then I share situation. Everything in this world is on a spectrum of positive and negative, and it’s steered completely by your perception of your world. Try not to go into things giving it the negative slide on that spectrum. Give it a chance.
“That’s no big deal”.
I’m relatively “low maintenance” and typically an “under-reactor”. I tend to be pragmatic. So when I’m actually concerned (not overreacting-but serious about it). It feels very dismissive to be told “that’s no big deal” in a flippant way.
“You can’t do it”. Whenever I’m told I can’t do something I will make it my life’s purpose to do whatever it is. I don’t like to be told that. I’m very stubborn but will do anything to make someone happy even though it is rarely returned. Also someone calling me stupid infuriates me. I’m smarter than most people think.
Smile
EXACTLYYYYYY. I only smile when I feel the need to, and when I’m genuinely joyful. telling me to smile won’t make me any more likely to do so, and makes me not want to
I can understand what Tina has said. As an INFJ, I have a hard time opening up when I’m sad as well, which tends to drive me deep into loneliness and isolation. I recognize the need to talk to someone, and I’ll go through a list of peopleI could potentially talk to about things, close friends and family, but ultimately realize that I can’t trust anyone (not that family and friends can’t be trusted to keep my issues private, but that they can’t be trusted to fully understand and empathize with what I’m feeling, what is, for me, extremely important). So, I isolate myself from people, determine im going to turn into a hermit, but eventually I work my own problems out through a creative outlet like writing or art, and I can feel close to people again when my emotions are toned down. Its when my emotions are unbearably strong that I can’t connect with others. Talking about them only hurts worse.
Robin I completely agree. Those two statements are most annoying to me as well. I have done some pretty crazy things in my life because people have told me I couldn’t do it. So I did it just to prove them wrong. And being called stupid is the number one worst thing to say to me, or to respond to something I’ve said with “that’s stupid,” oh that drives me mad!
Having my opinion dismissed. I’m happy to share silly stories on myself, and vulnerable snapshots of myself to win others into a discussion. But if I share my it-took-me-a-very-long-time-and-lots-of-thought-and-brain-space-to-establish-and-a-lot-of-courage-to-share OPINION on something. Acknowledge it, consider it, but DO NOT dismiss it. Or, I will NEVER speak to you again.
1 more thing not to say, if you love me!
exactly , you can’t smile while you are in bad mood , it will be fake if you smile against , if they want you to smile genuinely , they must cheer you up instead .
Get over it.
My boyfriend said that to me and straight after that he was my ex boyfriend.
“You think too much…”
Orrr, maybe you dont think enough? (No, I think too much but I did almost hit the guy.)
Yes!
This explains why I can’t stand my sister-in-law. She does 1-6 and 8 pretty much every time I talk to her. It’s incredible how she gets under my skin so quickly. I’ll finally get over it and be cool with her again because she doesn’t have friends. I feel very bad for her. We’ll start having a decent, funny conversation, and by the end of it she’s done almost every single thing not to do. I’m glad I read this because I don’t feel as bad now, knowing why she makes me so angry so fast.
This was very helpful for me. I (not an INFJ) am writing an INFJ character.
Related to 7, I’d like to suggest a variation – “If we do it for one person we’ll have to do the same for everyone.” During my long career in HR I can’t tell you how many times I heard that from bosses and colleagues when denying a request from an employee for special consideration. In other words – one size fits all. Used to drive me nuts. As you say, we are all nuanced. To me an HR policy was a broad statement of intent to guide decision making, not a rigid rule to be applied mindlessly. Maybe that’s why HR has such a bad reputation in so many places! Brings to mind the ‘Evil HR Director’ meme from the Dilbert comics.
Absolutely; as an INFJ, these all ring true. I have oddly enough felt less alone and better understood after finding your site and wonderful articles. Thank you kindly.
I agree with everything on here, especially 4, 7, and 10.
These types of comments have one goal and that is to diss you.