10 Things You Should Never Say to an ENFJ
ENFJs put a lot of consideration and empathy in their relationships with people. They are almost always conscientious, enthusiastic, and warm. They work hard to ensure that all their friends and family members feel listened to, cared for, and understood. Sometimes their charisma and friendliness aren’t returned, or it’s misunderstood by other types. Harsh words can be spoken and these words can hurt the ENFJ very deeply.
So what should you never say to an ENFJ? Certain phrases everyone hates to hear. “Calm down”, “Relax”, or “You’re Being Too Sensitive” will drive anyone crazy. So we won’t include those on this list because those are universally hated. Let’s take a look at which phrases specifically infuriate the ENFJ.
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“Stop Being So Dramatic!”
ENFJs are naturally expressive and exuberant individuals. Their emotions are easily readable on their faces, and they feel things very deeply. They often seem very animated and lively, and other types can mistake their natural charisma for being overly-dramatic or attention-seeking. Being told to stop being so “dramatic” can make the ENFJ feel misunderstood and frustrated.
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“You’re Too Intense”
This goes hand-in-hand with the above statement. ENFJs get tired of being told to “calm down” or otherwise seem less “ENFJ” than they are. Extraverted Feeling (Fe) and Introverted Intuition (Ni) are an intense combination of functions. Fe makes them highly adept at understanding other people’s emotions, and Ni gives them an intensity and insight into where situations could lead in the future. Being intense/expressive/animated is just part of who they are.
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“I’m Disappointed in You”
ENFJs care deeply about making a good impression on the people in their lives. This doesn’t mean they are “show-offs”, but they want to meet everyone’s needs and make sure everyone is happy and cared for. Being told that someone is disappointed in them is a crushing experience for them because they have such high expectations for themselves when it comes to taking care of other people.
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“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Can You Hurry It Up?”
ENFJs like to fully flesh out their ideas before moving on to another topic. People who impatiently rush them through a sentence or story may cause them to shut down and feel stifled or embarrassed.
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“Get Over It”
ENFJs need time to recover from harsh words, bullying, or hurt. They tend to take things personally and may need extra time to process how they feel about what happened. They can’t simply put their pain in a box and ignore it or pretend it never happened, even if they’d like to.
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“You’re So Selfish”
Telling an ENFJ they are selfish is tantamount to telling an ENTJ they’re too immersed in their feelings (a big no-no). ENFJs are wired to think about people outside themselves, to relate to, understand, and communicate effectively with them. Anyone can be selfish, but some people accuse the ENFJ of being selfish simply to get more out of them or to put them on a guilt trip. They know that these are the exact words that will hurt them the most because ENFJs obviously care about people and what they think of them. If you’re using this line to manipulate an ENFJ, think twice. It could cause very real harm.
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“Sorry I Didn’t Show Up”
ENFJs really look forward to spending time with the people they care about. They are very committed to their plans and to being there for people, and they feel hurt when others don’t show them this same consideration. People who don’t show up to planned meetings, who shirk responsibilities, or otherwise act like the ENFJ’s time isn’t valuable will end up frustrating them greatly.
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“You’re So Fake”
I wrote a whole blog article about this misconception. Because ENFJs have dominant Extraverted Feeling (Fe) they tend to be expressive, affectionate, and find common values with other people. They love to make people feel happy and understood. Some types (usually thinking types or Fi-users) are suspicious of dominant Fe as being “fake” or “manipulative”. While unhealthy ENFJs can be fake or manipulative, the majority are not and feel extremely hurt by the accusation.
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“It’s Not That Big of a Deal”
Belittling the causes that the ENFJ cares about or feels passionately for never goes well. Their feelings or their focus may not seem important to everyone, but that doesn’t make them any less real.
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“I’ll Get Around to It Eventually”
A lot of ENFJ type descriptions focus on their warmth and empathy, but ignore their determination and goal-oriented nature. ENFJs are very focused and planful and feel frustrated when they’re not sure if they can count on someone or if a timeline isn’t clear. They like to know when they can expect something to happen and if they can count on people to follow through on their word. Procrastination and lack of planning can cause them a lot of stress.
The ENFJ and Stress
What Do You Think?
Do these phrases bother you? Do you have any others to add? Let me know in the comments!
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Being told ” you are the reason of my failure”. Never ever say that to an enfj.
Gosh yes! It will cause me to pull back from the person who made that comment. Not a ‘door slam’ unless it’s repeatedly expressed, but a definite increasing of our relational distance. The only way the relationship will be restored is if they show empathy and understanding.
Being told “you are a hypocrite” oh boy! Ever say that!
You hit bull’s eye with selfish, I’ll get around to it eventually, can you hurry it up and the disappointed bit. Our lives less about ourselves than about others, so while things about personal flaws are understandable, ones mentioned here really drag me down.
Man, number 7 has made me loose friendships in the past. It really really rubs me up the wrong way! It’s like betrayal to me.????
This is so real like I feel so good when someone knows how i feel
This ENFJ was literally fighting tears reading this. So true.
Re-reading this list, and again blown away by how accurate your understanding of my type is. I feel ‘seen’. Thank you!
Yes I was astounded by how well he ENFJ was depicted, resonated deeply within me! I am so impressed! and yes number seven really is a big no-no for me!
That’s so true! I feel so sad and unappreciated when someone special or non-special tells me “I’m disappointed in you” like???? it really hurts???? the “Stop being so dramatic” ugh I get that like A LOT I’m not acting up my reactions are just like that! the “You’re so fake”…. yeah this breaks me always….
“It is what it is.” Nevermind the grammatical redundancy, which bothers me when people do while expressing their feelings or frustration. The saying should be, “it is what people are making it out to be,” or “it is whatever you are willing to make it into.” Indifference is a big no-no with me, and I will respond in extreme ways to this, when most other negative behavior I can ignore 9r quickly look past. I will stop the conversation when people say this phrase, and have a new conversation similar to my words here in this post.
I’m disappointed in You & You are so Intense have cut me to the absolute bone. Each of these statements have been said to me by individuals that I felt would NEVER say something like this to me and each time it caught me so off guard. It really scarred our friendship. I forgive both of them, but it has caused me to shrink back in my relationship with these people & they don’t seem to fathom why it’s such a harsh statement. I truly loved both of them in ways that I didn’t know humanly possible. Thank you for this list so that I have somewhere I can come to as a safe haven to feel understood.
Hi, I’m an ENFJ and unfortunately I heard all of these sentence, 2day I had trouble times in my job, my colleagues felt uncomfortable from my looking and my laughing, it was HORRIBLE.
lol, my INTP friend and I(an INFP) lately been discussing about how charismatic my ENFJ friend’s persona, and lol also, at the same time, we often call him as ‘manipulative’ and such ‘fake person’ because how ‘clean’ and ‘graceful’ his appearance is as a young lad, he never curses, he’s cool with everyone, he’s literally that “handsome, good attitude, good brain, goodlooking, never does anything wrong” guy. we saw it as manipulative(err basically there are some stuffs that he handled perfectly, and it seemed sus for us LOL), i confronted him, he answered with “ey, no pls listen to me” and explained me what he really felt calmly.i felt so wrong, apologized to him later, and we’re good again. later, i found this article, and couldn’t agree more.
Oh My, i’ve heard most of this before, unfortunantly from my husband the past 15 years. ‘get over it’, when he hurts my feelings, ‘sorry i didnt show up’, when he cancels or refuses to decide whether or not he will join a birthday, a dinner, a date, not caring how it will make me feel. Every emotion i have will be adressed with: ‘you’re so dramatic. If he is really out to get me, he will use:’ you’re selfish, in some way. It hurts. So bad. But he is not feeling like me, he is T and sees the world differently.
Sorry, feelt good to get it out. Frustrated ENFJ