10 Things INFJs Look For in a Relationship

Are you in a relationship with an INFJ and looking to make it the best it can be? Or perhaps you are an INFJ and you’re wondering what you should prioritize in a relationship. Today we’re going to look at the ten things that INFJs mention again and again as priorities in a good match. When these needs aren’t met they can feel anxious, overwhelmed, or even bored. For the INFJ, relationships aren’t a “must,” they’re a bonus.

Most INFJs would rather be alone than in a mediocre or immature relationship. As introverts they enjoy their own company and get satisfaction from exploring, pondering, creating, and imagining. As Idealists they tend to have high standards for their relationships, but not just for others, for themselves, too. If you’re in a relationship with an INFJ, count yourself lucky. They are deeply empathetic, supportive, and caring. But if you really want to take the relationship up a level, take a look at these ten things that INFJs really crave.

The ten things mentioned in this survey are based on a survey I conducted of over 3000 individuals in January of this year. I asked each personality type what they needed in order to feel loved, what their love languages were, and many other questions that I’ve expounded on in other articles. Today we’re just going to dive into the ten most frequently mentioned things INFJs voted for in our survey.

“INFJs are very independent, and while they are definitely romantic, they have no problem waiting for their chance at romance until they are sure it’s the right thing.”
– The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic

So what are 10 things that INFJs want most in a relationship? Let’s take a look!

Not sure what your personality type is? Take our new personality questionnaire here. Or you can take the official MBTI® here.

10 Things INFJs Look For In a Relationship

#1 – Authenticity

INFJs voted unanimously that authenticity was their #1 priority in a relationship. As dominant introverted intuitives, INFJs are very quick to pick up on hidden motives and agendas, and this will be a major deal-breaker for them in any relationship. One of the most important things to INFJs is open communication, so once trust is broken they have a hard time taking communication seriously afterwards. This means no game-playing, empty compliments, or manipulative dialogue.

#2 – Intellectual Stimulation

INFJs are curious, big-picture thinkers with a desire to explore the deeper topics in life. They want to be able to exchange life stories, share long-term goals, and ask philosophical or sometimes irreverent questions. They want a partner who can match them on this level and explore meaningful, intellectual topics on a regular basis.

#3 – Open Communication

When INFJs are in a good relationship they can be surprisingly talkative. Throughout life, many INFJs have felt that they had to stifle a great deal of their thoughts because most people don’t share the same way of seeing the world. In a relationship, they hope they can finally be open about their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. They want a partner who is transparent and real with them; someone who shares their feelings and discusses both their strengths and mistakes. Secretiveness and passive-aggressive behavior will definitely backfire in a relationship with an INFJ.

#4 – Shared Desire for Personal Growth

INFJs are on a constant quest for self-improvement. This is one of the reasons they are so drawn to theories like Myers-Briggs, the enneagram, or anything that promotes self-knowledge and understanding. They are rarely content to just stay as they are; they are always aiming for a higher level of awareness and potential. Having a partner who is happy remaining stagnant or who is mainly interested in passing the time will inevitably make them bored.

#5 – Empathy

INFJs want a partner who can try to see things from other people’s perspectives. Being around someone who makes judgments without first getting into someone else’s shoes will irritate them. People who are hastily critical rarely get into positive relationships with INFJs.

#6 – Independence

INFJs love a supportive, warm, nurturing relationship. But they also need their autonomy. As introverts, ample alone time keeps them energized, inspired, and content. But if they’re with someone who constantly wants to take them to events, plan social engagements, or text them and talk to them constantly, the INFJ will feel their energy rapidly dwindling. They need time and space to reflect, imagine, dream, and process all their thoughts and feelings. Without that, they can feel like they’re suffocating. They also like to have the freedom to explore their own interests, goals, and dreams. This means leave micro-managing and over-scheduling behind when you enter a relationship with this type!

#7 – Shared Values

As idealists, INFJs hold very tightly to their core values and desire a partner who shares the same core values. They can be open-minded about a lot of things and they don’t want a partner who is exactly like them, but they have to have the same idea about what’s right and what’s wrong or else there will be a lot of conflict and frustration.

“They (INFJs) can overlook personal quirks and flaws that might drive other types crazy, and they are very forgiving; however, they will be a daunting foe if their values and beliefs are stepped on or mocked. As always, the INFJ can go from being soft-spoken and gentle to fiery and stubborn if someone ridicules one of their core beliefs or ideals.”
– The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic

#8 – Commitment

Although there are exceptions to this rule, INFJs aren’t usually the types who go for flings, one-night stands, or meaningless sexual romps. They are looking for someone who will stick with them through the good and bad and who will want a deeper and more purposeful relationship. Something shallow rarely holds their interest.

#9 – Attentiveness

INFJs are known for their listening skills. They are extremely empathetic, so much so that they often confuse other people’s feelings for their own. They try to really understand not just the words that someone is saying, but the underlying meaning and emotions that an individual might have behind their words. INFJs hope that, in a relationship, they’ll find someone who will listen to them and really give them their full attention. So if you’re trying to win over an INFJ, make sure that you’re not distracted by your phone or the TV and definitely avoid interrupting.

#10 – Intimacy

This quality falls hand-in-hand with point #1: authenticity. INFJs are looking for not just physical intimacy, but emotional intimacy. They don’t want an “instagram relationship” where their partner only tells them what they want to hear or what looks good on paper. Instead, they seek out vulnerability, honesty, and heart-to-heart conversations. They want to see both the dark and light side of someone.

What Are Your Thoughts?

Are these qualities something you look for in a relationship? Would you add anything else? Let us know in the comments! You can also discover more about the INFJ personality type in my latest eBook, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic. You can also see the video I made about INFJ relationships below:

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3 Weird and Wonderful Secrets About the INFJ

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The Unhealthy INFJ