The Flirting Style of the INTJ Personality Type
Coy. Gregarious. Vulnerable.
Just kidding, that’s definitely not the INTJ’s flirting style.
If your idea of being swept off your feet involves intellectual discussion deep into the early morning hours, intense gazes, and raw honesty (even when it hurts) the INTJ is the man or woman of your dreams. These types forego sweet-talking and flirtation to get right to the meaningful matters of life.
Think Mr. Darcy in Pride & Prejudice. Brooding, serious, but ultimately heroically romantic. Or if you’re looking for the woman of your dreams, think of Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs. Now that’s a rom-com for the ages….
So without further ado, let’s take a look at how INTJs show affection.
Table of contents
Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
#1 – They Will See the Best You Could Be
INTJs have a gift for seeing the potential in people. Some of us find that annoying, and some of us find it inspiring. But for INTJs, self-improvement is an integral part of existence. These types can’t stand the idea of being stagnant. When they love someone, they want to inspire them to evolve WITH them. Not alone.
They’ll invite you to a class together.
They’ll buy you a book about personal growth.
They’ll ask you about your dreams and goals and come up with the perfect strategy for their achievement.
While some might respond with, “Hey! Can’t you just love me for who I am?” Others will see the INTJ’s true intentions. INTJs want the people they love to know they believe in them, hands down. They see a potential that they don’t want you to miss out on because they genuinely care about your happiness.
#2 – They’ll Give You Autonomy
INTJs believe that one of the best gifts anyone can receive is the gift of independence. If they’re into you, don’t expect them to overload your phone with text messages or show up at your door unexpectedly. They will respect your time above all.
In fact, for some people, the respect might be a little too excessive (we’re looking at you, ExFJs). It’s important for partners of INTJs to know that the space they give isn’t out of lack of interest, but merely out of courtesy. INTJs crave independence and they tend to figure most other people do as well. They don’t want to push themselves on other people or interrupt them, because that seems disrespectful and annoying to them.
But they will show up on time for your dates. They will text you before calling. If they care for you, they will be there for you. Point blank. They will show generosity with their time, which is really one of their most prized resources.
I mean, seriously. Most INTJ moms would rather have alone time for Valentine’s Day than diamonds or fancy massages.
#3 – They’ll Be Honest With You
INTJs are extremely private people in most situations. If someone asks them something too personal, they’re likely to respond with a steely gaze and a shrugged off, “Why is that any of your business?”
However, when they are invested in you, they know that their history and life is significant in establishing trust. They’ll be deeply honest with you and hope for the same in return. They hate the idea of wasting emotional energy and time on someone who isn’t what they promised to be. They’ll respect you enough to be real and authentic with you.
#4 – They’ll Ask You Meaningful Questions
Small talk and casual conversation is the bane of the INTJ’s existence. They want to know what gives your life a sense of meaning and purpose. Your goals, dreams, ambitions, and motives are what interest them. The state of the weather or the status of a celebrity couple will hold little to no interest for them, and they hate the idea of wasting their time on such matters.
Date: “Did you hear about Kim Kardashian and Kanye West?”
INTJ: “Did you hear those crickets chirping? Time for me to leave.”
#5 – They’ll Find Ways to (Respectfully) Touch You
If you’re looking for someone cuddly to lavish your affection on, don’t look for an INTJ.
Unless they like you romantically. Then, by all means, lavish away.
INTJs are very protective of their personal space, so if they’re casually touching you a lot then it’s a good sign that they’re interested in you. They might start small, like brushing your hand as they reach for something. Eventually, this could lead to lingering hugs or a hand on your shoulder as you navigate your way through a crowd.
At the end of the day, INTJs will probably just tell you if they’re interested in having a relationship with you. After all, they hate wasting time and being direct is more in their nature than sending mysterious signals. And if an INTJ likes you, enjoy the ride – you’ll be the recipient of deep loyalty, rare honesty, and intense, imaginative discussions about the future and your life together.
What Are Your Thoughts?
Did you enjoy this article? Do you have any insights or experiences to share? Let us know in the comments!
Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
Your INTJ Personality Type and Your Enneagram Type
INTJs and Their Compatibility with Every Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
What it Means to be an INTJ Personality Type
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,Thank you, Susan Storm for your research, information and wisdom.
Yes, this article is spot on. I could never understand people who had to have multiple calls from their partners throughout the day. Years ago my boyfriend called me once at work and when I asked the purpose of the call he said “I just wanted to say hi and see how you are doing.” I explained that this was work and if for any reason I wasn’t OK, I’d phone him, but other wise such calls where distracting and time wasting. One result was the next time he called at work I knew it WAS important. Of course he was the big love of my life and although I had difficulty using the “L” word, I showed I cared through trying to understand his goals and aspirations. I also tried to help with the damage from his dysfunctional family by reading widely, trying to understand his early childhood and insisting on him seeing a therapist to help in areas beyond my expertise. And like other INTJs I never had a problem with telling potential suitors that I wasn’t interested. It used to confuse me when women weren’t interested in someone and they’d be evasive instead of coming out and plainly saying “no thanks.” When I’d ask why they weren’t being honest, I’d get answers like “I don’t want to hurt his feelings” or even worse, “he’s not getting the hint and won’t take no for an answer.” The last excuse used to drive me crazy. The appropriate response in my mind was “I’m sorry but I don’t feel the way you do, you seem to be a nice person and I wish you well in your quest.” If they persist after that then it starts to move into the area of stalking and needs to be met with strong boundaries. The idea in some movies that you can win a person over by persistence and romantic gestures has always been foreign to me and I’m thinking that must be an INTJ view.
This was spot on!
Thank you Rebecca!
I’ve been in a relationship with an INTJ male for a month and he’s always asking if I want to kiss HIM which drives me bananas as a female. However, he likes holding my hand so I know he likes me. Any tips on how I can get him to be more physically forward? I just want to yell at him, “Just kiss me already, don’t ask!”
I can’t tell you how happy I am to see this article! So nice to see a discussion of INTJ women where we’re not villainized for a change! Lol…nothing in the least bit wrong with taking partnering seriously. Thank you for your great content!
Flirting is all about the mind for an INTJ (though good looks don’t hurt either – I like aesthetically pleasing people – but smarts win out). Definitely only touch people I’m romantically interested in – not a natural toucher for anyone but family and even then, really, it’s only my husband and kids. My INTP brother and I have never hugged, ever! And I put up a protest at the age of 16 about being forced to hug or kiss relatives (even my parents) upon greeting.
Hahaha this is very true in my case…But my female friends think that I’m flirting with them when all I’m doing is being a good friend.
Thanks for writing this. As an INTJ myself, I’ve often thought about how I don’t think I’ve ever “flirted” in my life, and how I wouldn’t know how to even if I tried.
But “intellectual discussion deep into the early morning hours, intense gazes, and raw honesty (even when it hurts)” are exactly what I find myself doing (or at least, wanting to do) with people that I am interested in, so maybe that “counts” as flirting even though I’ve never thought of it that way…
This was very helpful!
The most accurate one is about the clinging one. One of my ENFP friend tried to hug me . I removed her hands from my from my waist then I stepped backward . Afterthat she kept stepping forward while I kept stepping backwards with a creepy smile on her face😅
Welp in another situation, I was sitting with my same gender cousin, she put her head on my shoulders then I was like in mind; “ JSJSJKSHISHWJSHWIHWYEJSJSJSJSKAONSMS NOOO, STOPPPP PLEASE YOU’RE RUINING MAH TRIP”
I really try my best to escape from this kind of situations ya’know 😫 ya guys ever heard of personal space LMAO