How to Heal From Heartbreak as an INFJ Personality Type
This article is written by INFJ blogger and author Marissa Baker from LikeAnAnchor.com
You know you’re a writer when one of the first things you think after a breakup is, “I could turn this into a blog post.”
About 3 months after a relationship which lasted 9-1/2 months ended, I wrote a post called “5 Tips For INFJs Going Through Heartbreak.” Now, several months later, I wanted to expand on that idea and share a few more thoughts that I hope will help other heartbroken INFJs.
It’s not easy for INFJs to let other people in. When we do find someone we trust enough to befriend and enter a relationship with, we tend to become very attached to them. As long as the relationship’s going well that’s okay, but if it ends the heartache is going to be particularly hard to deal with.
This isn’t exclusive to INFJs, and I’m sure other personality types will find parts of this article that resonate with them. I’m going to write with a focus on INFJs (mostly because that’s what I am and it’s the type I understand best), but whatever your type is I hope you’ll find something good to take-away from reading this post.
Why Does It Hurt So Much?
Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and author of Anatomy of Love says that love acts on our brains like an addiction and breakups trigger a form of withdrawal. She says, “One main region of the brain (referred to as the brain’s reward system) is linked with all addictions … That same region of the brain is activated when you’re rejected in love. That’s the biology of it” (from “The Science Behind Getting Over Heartbreak”).
That happens with everyone. On top of what’s going on biochemically, INFJs don’t have many close relationships and losing one often feels like being cut lose from an anchor. That’s especially true if we still care deeply about the person we lost through breakup, divorce, or even a friendship dissolving.
INFJs don’t typically enjoy casual relationships. When we find someone we really click with, we’ll rearrange our lives to make room for this person. We start to consider their needs, wants, and desires as equally (or even more) important as our own. They become a vital part of our lives. We might even “map” the other person into our inner world so being with them is almost as relaxing/energizing as being alone. After investing so much energy and trust in a relationships, having it end leaves a huge hole inside us.
6 Tips For Getting Through
1: Look To Something Outside You
While not every INFJ is religious, most of us are spiritual in one sense or another. A fairly high percentage believe in a higher power, and even those who don’t usually believe in some kind of ideal that transcends themselves, such as a belief that people are inherently good or that the human race can learn to live in peace.
For me as a Christian, the first place I turned for comfort after my breakup was prayer, reading the psalms, and listening to worship music. Looking to whatever it is that gives us hope can be incredibly helpful for INFJs who feel overwhelmed by heartache. Listen to relaxing music, read a good book, meditate on something that gives you a sense of hope. Remind yourself that what you’re feeling right now isn’t the end of the world and there is still good out there, somewhere.
2: Talk With People
It’s not always easy for INFJs to open up about our heartbreak. And if we’re dealing with feelings of unworthiness on top of the heartache, we might even assume no one would want to comfort us. But if you give them a chance, the people in your life might prove they want to be there for you just as much as you’d be there for them if they were hurting.
One of the most encouraging things to come out of my breakup is the realization that my support system is much stronger than I’d expected. It was hard for me to tell my friends I was hurting, but when I did I received the hugs, comfort, and good advice that I desperately needed. I hope other hurting INFJs can experience that as well.
3: Get Some Help
I wouldn’t say every INFJ needs professional counseling when going through heartbreak. But if you think you need help please don’t ever be afraid to go get it. Whether there’s something else going on along with your heartbreak, the circumstances are particularly trying, or you don’t have anyone else you want to talk with, it might be a good idea to contact a counselor.
Sometimes INFJs can attract narcissists, manipulators, and other unhealthy relationships. If that’s something you were dealing with, I definitely recommend seeking out a professional counselor to talk with. I’d started seeing someone about my anxiety a couple weeks before my breakup, and she has been invaluable in helping me work through all the confusing, messy feelings after my breakup.
4: Research Your Heartbreak
We INFJs like research. Our Introverted Intuition loves putting patterns together, and tertiary Introverted Thinking wants a logical explanation for the things we observe. When we’re going through something stressful, it’s not uncommon to go into an Ni-Ti loop where we obsessively look for answers.
It might help an INFJ to read books about grief or articles about the science behind breakups, like the one I referenced in the introduction. Understanding what’s going on in your brain and why this experience left you feeling emotionally gutted can help an INFJ accept what they’re going through is “normal” and that it isn’t going to permanently define their lives.
5: Give Yourself Time
Loosing someone who’s an important part of your life isn’t something you’re going to get over quickly. And that’s okay. It’s important to give yourself time to grieve. We usually think of grief as something you go through after someone dies, but any loss can prompt grief.
While it is important to work through your heartbreak so you can move on, you don’t have to grieve according to anyone else’s timeline. You also don’t have to grieve in the exact same way as other people. For example, some experts tell you that journaling about your ex is a bad idea. However, it might be worse for INFJs to push down or ignore the thoughts swirling in our heads. Talking with someone or writing down what you’re thinking about is often the best way for INFJs to move on rather than become obsessive.
Find out more about how each type handles grief in this article: Here’s How You Respond to Grief, Based on Your Personality Type
6: Let Yourself Move On
This is a point that wasn’t in my original article on heartbreak, but it’s one that I think is important to add. When you’re reluctant to trust someone but still risk it and then the relationship ends in heartbreak, it can be very difficult to move on from that.
A heartbroken INFJ might think they should never have trusted this person in the first place and eat themselves up with guilt. They might get angry and defensive, scared of ever letting another person in. It’s okay to feel those things, but it’s not healthy to stay there long-term. The heartbreak doesn’t have to define the rest of your life and your other relationships (I’m currently working on convincing myself of this).
In Conclusion
Heartbreak is something we all experience, regardless of personality type. It can affect different types in slightly different ways, though, and I hope this article was helpful for INFJs who are struggling with heartache.
Please feel free to share your story in the comments. What are you struggling with right now? Have you worked through heartbreak in the past and have some tips to share with the rest of us? Let’s discuss!
Marissa Baker is the author of The INFJ Handbook (available in the Amazon Kindle Store). You can find her online at LikeAnAnchor.com where she blogs about personal growth and development from a Christian perspective.
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Its been 4 years since my husband told me about his cheating throughout our 14yr relationship. I still feel the pain in my heart to this day, the heaviness in my chest and see it in my mind. it hurts more than i could have ever imagined. the pain still brings in suicidal ideations just to take it away.
I am so sorry Donna, that you are dealing with this. Have you sought any kind of counseling to help overcome your grief? I can’t imagine how hard that must have been to go through that kind of loss after 14 years of marriage. Just remember if you ever need someone to talk to there’s this number you can call: 1-800-273-8255. This is a suicide prevention hotline. I don’t know how serious you’ve considered it, but just in case, I would feel terrible if I didn’t leave this number for you just in case.
Wow not only an INFJ but also a blue eyed red-head! Only….me too. You are still one of a kind!
I too am a natural redhead with green eyes!! Broken heart and broken ankle!!! Loved this pin and have been binging on YouTube horoscope tarot readings in the hope I might be over this by the next ice age!
Please dont waste any more of your life on him. .l fully understand the hurt..get some helpto guide u thru..
It has been more than 2 years since the guy I loved left me. It is a complicated situation but after that point of my life, I have been going down and down. I do not feel the ache as hurtful ad I did in the past but my life never feels to be improving. I know he is missing, and I try to cover it up but it doesn’t work. I wish there was a way to look at life with shining eyes I used to have.
How does move on?
Thank you so much for this article. It was such a nice reminder that I am not the only heartbroken INFJ in the world. The article hit everything I am going through right now. One of the hardest parts was not having anyone to really talk to… I still miss him, he helped and supported me after seeing me at my worst. How to move on will be hard, but you have given me hope
I ended a 33 year marriage 3 years ago. He was manipulative and subtle in his verbal abuse. It was my analysis after separating that educated me about verbal abuse. And yet, I struggled a long time with guilt and blame toward myself. It was the support of close friends, prayer, yoga and spiritual direction that helped me to know I was okay. Healing is a process, and knowing that helps me to be patient with myself.
Reached me at just the right time, thank you Marissa. Your article was written from truth because it’s my truth. A small weight was lifted.Great work..
Thank you for sharing such amazing life stories. I really needed this now. I have been feeling hopeless since my husband abandoned me. He walked out leaving his mother to say he was leaving me for his dermatologist, who just lost her husband 90 days ago! It is unbelievable to me. I feel so lost and alone not to mention I almost ended up homeless. I do not have family remaining and his family will not help me. I am doing me best each day working as a pet sitter and healing one second at a time.
I am devastated to think people like this exist. I have now heard the doctor is moving my husband and her three children into a new $800,000.00 home with a pool. They are even trying to take my dog. It is absolutely mind boggling.
I am grateful to each of you for making me feel that there is a light at the end of this very dark tunnel. I pray for recovery and a way to survive this emotionally, spiritually and financially.
I’m numb
What about being aINFJ and an empath and a Pisces and learning after the breakup and him moving all the way to Alaska that he I my twin flame. That has got to be super rare right?
This was a well written post…thank you. I find, as an INFJ, that I do get attached and I don’t do well in today’s casual relationship environment. For those reasons, and more, it’s very painful when my love is rejected or the object of my affection “plays” with my heart. I think I need to be more careful in my choices of men, although sometimes one can think they’ve chosen the right person, and they find out they haven’t. My heart goes out to those women who commented they were betrayed after years with their partner. Don’t let the one who left destroy you…you deserve so much better.
It is true. As an INFJ with multiple Breakups in my early 20 s .I realised giving myself time and never allowing past breakups to stop me to loving again helped me out the situation.
Much love to you. We are strong. We are going rise above all the emotional wounds. We will!!!
Thank you, my heartache is raw. I am still in love with him, I broke off the relationship due to his girlfriend, stalking me. He finally admitted that he was stringing me along.
I was in “relationship” with a narcissist. I say that in quotes because I’m pretty sure that I was merely used for my empathetic abilities. Nothing about it felt right though I knew very well the truth about it. It’s almost been a year and I’m still confused if I have moved on because I still do care about the well-being of this person; not in any romantic sense and yet I do care about him. How do I figure this out?
If and when you figure that out, please share.
I’m so down that I stay home all the time and I’ve cried for 4 days . I sleep all the time, I forget to eat and I don’t talk to anyone. I see my therapist every week and probably will for the rest of my life. I feel like I’m imploding . This is so much pain I feel a physical pain in my chest. I’m stuck
Same girl same. Its sooo hard to function well in depression. I’ve gone through several heartbreaks in my early 20s. With growing ages moving on gets easier than previous but still as we invest our time, energy, care, trust and love for seconds after seconds can’t match anything in the world. The feeling of shame, blame, unworthiness of myself tears me apart. The thing still keeps me help to restore my sanity is ACCEPTANCE THE SITUATION LITTLE BY LITTLE. And it’s hard more to love yourself when you born and raised by abusive narcissist parents. And you try to ‘find’ that ‘untaken care and love’ in your partners, that’s the problem, this is why we automatically get attract to manipulative, narcissist partners. We get ‘attached’ easily and forget to love unconditionally. Setting healthy boundary, loving and taking care of ourselves becomes the hardest thing of the world. Hugs to you. Hope you’re doing better now.
Omg same. So much confusion. He left me in confusion. I DON’T GET PEOPLE AT ALL. I get attract to manipulative people and I realised later after ignoring several red flags and intuition. Why do we still care for those people or for their well being after they wronged us? I believe we were designed that way. The worse thing is the intensity of our empathy doesn’t reciprocate us.
this is such a helpful article for me, I’ve known i was an INFJ for years but lately i’ve had my first experience of heartbreak and its just awful. I’ve been going over and over what happened and i’m full of regret. Talking to people about it, doing research and being open to meeting new guys has all been really important for the process of moving on from that state of mind.
I’m going through all this at the moment. I survived a very traumatic break up 2 years ago after being with my ex for 8 years. 8 years of putting him first and really trying to make it work even though the relationship inflicted more pain on me as I tried to change myself to be who he needed. In the end I found out he found someone else ???? It took me two years to sort of open up and trust people again and now I’m in a new relationship where I’m trying to have a more casual, laid back vibe about and go with the flow with but I’m still finding it hard with today’s dating scene. Really hoping I’ll find a relationship with the right balance of me being myself but also being open to a partner worthy of compromise, etc.
I moved to Ireland, to start over after a divorce and met this lovely Irish woman after a year living there, I helped her through a difficult time in her life. We shared things in 9 months I can honestly say I never came close to in the 10 years with my ex .. I invested so much in this Irish woman from my inner world .. the moment she came out from the other side of her issues all that we had built together she just threw away.. heart broken doesn’t come close.
I don’t trust anyone now, I ended up leaving Ireland cause I couldn’t bear it .. trying to use those forget your ex while you sleep hypnosis videos which might sound stupid but 9 months and I’m still emotionally bleeding … If I could find something to cauterize this wound.
Thank you for sharing this tips, it was well written, personal yet professional at the same time. As an INFJ myself, I clearly can relate to this article and find the tips very useful (some of them I have been practicing myself). It was 8 months ago but I guess I am still holding on a little hope on my ex, when I found out there’s someone he’s interested with, my heart sink as if the breakup was just yesterday. I cried so much at the same time learning to let him go day by day. It is a slow process yet painful, but I am so confident that this let go will definitely be successful.
I am pretty sure INFJ are psychopath bait. I have yet to attract anything but. I am getting wiser and stronger, but I fear also more jaded. I now ache for a companion, but my somber rational side says, “Cut it out, Ass. Haven’t you bled enough?”
I dont know. I just know that INFJ really benefit from a partner who is a friend, sounding board, and encouragement. I long for this…
More waiting…for what? Idk. I just keep telling myself to “wait.” In one hand I think I’m going to die alone because I love hard and have be wrecked hard (a few times in a row). And on the other hand…maybe their is someone harmlessly crazy enough to love the likes of me.
Maybe it is a good thing were so rare. Otherwise the streets would run red with infj blood from every time our heart got snagged.
As an infj myself, i can absolutely relate to this article. It’s true that when i finally let someone in, i became so attached to them to the point that all their dreams are my dreams too, like i was genuinely passionate in achieving goals together and always catered to his needs and wants just to make him happy because that was mattered the most. It has been 10 months since we broke up and it still hurts. I know I deserve better but I couldn’t help the thought of still wanting him to get back to me. And recently i just got to know that he has found somebody new, my heart crushed, it feels so overwhelming and i feel so hopeless because i knew this would be another long journey, and im scared, so scared to feel deeply again, to feel the pain. But I know it will end. And I will be fine, thankyou so much for this, I’m also sending love to all those heartbroken infjs out there.
Slightly different angle.
INFJ male, suffered from limerence and unrequited love in teens.
Settled down young with someone out of fear of being unlovable and alone in life.
Went to sleep emotionally for 20 years.
Recruit woman during lockdown who I help with multiple personal and work issues, and triggers “hero complex”.
Awaken from my slumber to realise I’ve been asleep for half my life and depressed for nearly all of it.
Hopelessly in love (perhaps limerence) and would sacrifice all for this person – the first person I’ve ever felt this connection with.
Mixed messages and big emotional
Rollercoaster, but ultimately it’s not to be as we’re both married and I’m her boss.
So INFJ, heartbreak, but no ability to move on as we work closely together every day. And it’s not clear what I’d be moving on to… or back to.
As an INFJ I’ve spent the past 12 months internalising, rationalising, joining dots, analysing scenarios and generally putting her interests and needs ahead of my own, but left myself wide open to have my heartbroken 3 times in the space of a year.
The combination of deep thought, the precognition of Cassandra, intense empathy and caring but immense vulnerability and loneliness surely make INFJs the most cursed of all MBTI types.
I don’t know if another infj has experienced something similar to mine but I hope so. 25 years ago, I met someone. I honestly, never knew what was going on inside me concerning him. I always had a deer caught in the headlights feeling. I walked away. It took two years and a failed suicide attempt to sort myself out. When I was 5, I fell absolutely in love. When I lost thar person, my mind closed off the memory and Mt love but left me grief stricken and not knowing why.. my mind saw him as a danger to my emotional wellbeing and stared me away while l left my heart behind. I turned to God with questions because I was devastated my mind had played a dirty trick on me. All I had wanted was a person I could love completely, have a family and a life with. Someone who was good and decent to his core. I have tried everything I can think of to stay away from him, to stop grieving, but nothing has worked. The other thing God had shown me is he had felt the same. By the time I had sorted myself out he had married. Then divorced and remarried. He might be working towards his 4th marriage, I’m not sure. Hoping if I told him I loved him and apologized for any hurt I caused, it might help me to get over the grief. I meant to do it sooner but wasn’t able to express myself orally or in writing. I finally did compose and send off an email to him. I will never know if he got it, read it, or cared. I ran out of time. I thought I had another 20 years but I don’t. I was completely honest in my apology about what I felt for him all these years, said I wouldn’t contact him again, and was no threat to his current romantic situation. Is it strange to continue to cry over someone for so long? To continue to love? Last, to discover the one person you have loved as an adult, doesn’t remember you or can’t be bothered to acknowledge the apology. That hurts, feeling like I am important to no one and unlovable, valueless. I knew this could be a possibility, but I didn’t know it would cut so deep. Any advice to help me through this would be greatly appreciated. The last 25 years have been void of personal relationships because my heart refused all offers. I don’t know if I have a day or a year left but I’m so tired of crying.
Hearing another infjs perspective would be wonderful and extremely helpful. I discovered I was infj by accident while researching narcisstic personality disorders. Came across the initials infj, curiously I looked up what it meant. Started reading, about myself. After a lifetime of feeling and knowing I was somehow different, an odd ball, it shocked me. I was a type, textbook actually. It does help knowing I’m not alone but saddens me we are so few. Today, I was looking for some understanding about love. Are we infjs different in how we love? I have loved the same man for over 25 years. My heart refuses to let go. I have tried everything I can think of to release myself, but the love always comes back. Contrary to how other infjs fall in love, mine was instantaneous with the first time we hugged. Years ago I woke up in a dream that had no dreamlike qualities, except for me. I was spirit. I had shape and form but could see through myself. I was following a boy who was walking on a path through a field. I didn’t know his name, age, what he looked like, where he was going or where he was coming from. I had tears running down my face from the beauty of feelings of overwhelming love for that boy. Imagine perfect love with no buffer. It didn’t matter if I was loved on return. I fought to stay in the dream, I would have followed him anywhere crying and feeling that love. When I woke up, heavy crushing grief and loss pinned me to my bed. Deep heartbroken weeping kept me there until I was worn out. I believe my heart recognized him as the boy from my dream while I didn’t. On some level I knew I had fallen hard for him but my mind blocked me from fully feeling those emotions. Sounds silly, but I had loved someone so completely at the age of 5, when I lost them my mind locked away all the emotions and memories except grief and loneliness. My mind tried to protect me from what had caused me the most pain in my life. Our brains can be stupid about issues of the heart and soul. It worked, for a short time. Two years later when I had worked through some issues, there it was. A deep well of emotion for someone. Something my heart had secretly been searching for. I have had nothing but tears, grief and loneliness for the last 25 years + I can’t forgive myself for denying me what I have wanted all my life. He is the only man my heart has chosen in 63 years on this earth. I have intended to apologize for any hurt I may have caused him but, until recently, haven’t found the words. One day, I woke up and realized I was old, sick and may not have many days left. I have been balancing my ledger with people from my past I may have hurt and with the people I hold in my heart. Is this normal for infjs? One soul the heart knows instantly and it gives itself away? The soul jumps ship next, leaving a person to live crippled for the rest of their life? He has married and divorced an unknown amount of times, has children, may not remember me, I could have been one of the faceless women traveling briefly through his life. None of that matters, my love remains constant, just like it did for the boy in my dream. I believe this man is also an infj based on his ability to read me. We didn’t need to talk much, we communicated very well through our eyes. Has anyone experienced something similar? My life has been full of fighting to keep my children from harm. Fighting the judicial system. Fighting a malignant narcissist and his narcissistic family, I want peace in these last days. An opportunity to feel joy if it presents itself. I have not held someone’s hand, been held, had any physical contact for 25+ years. No sex of any kind. The years a woman is most sensual and sexual, I spent alone. Any advice will be greatly appreciated. I have not exaggerated or dramatized any part of my story. Rather, I have pulled back a bit afraid of coming across as a nut job. Thank you all for any input you can provide.
I fell in love with an infj in high school. That was 40 years ago. That was the greatest time in my life and I still love him dearly. We both married other people and they broke our hearts. Now we are both single but I can see that he is afraid to let me in. I am afraid as well. His family moved away in high school and I literally did not want to go on living without him. How do we get past this fear we both have?
After 7 years of friendship and working with him, finally he said he has been interested in me since 4 years ago. I cannot believe it because i had a crush on him since 4 years ago. I cannot believe i was not alone with my emotions. That day was the sweetest day of my life, but this sweetness lasted only for 40 days. Now, it ends up. I lost my love and one of the my best frinds and coworker. I think he hastily decided to end the relationship. I have many words in my heart that I could never say him. I feel so depressed, dejected, and lone.