How NOT to Flirt with Each Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
Do you ever feel like your flirting methods are falling flat with the person you’re interested in? What will entice one person might annoy another, so learning what NOT to do with each personality type can be a huge help. In this article, we’ll explore the flirting behaviors to avoid so your dating life can be more fun and less embarrassing!
Not sure what your personality type is? Take our new questionnaire!
You can also take the official Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® here.
Table of contents
Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
The ENFP
Don’t hover around them, text too frequently, or talk about commitments, plans, and how much you daydream about wedded bliss. These types are scared off by people seeking hasty commitments, and they won’t even think of things like marriage until they’ve established a great deal of trust in an already-working relationship.
The ENTP
Don’t gripe and moan about how badly you want a relationship and how much single life totally sucks. Desperation and neediness are two things that this type avoids like the plague. If you’re trying to drop them hints by venting about single life while eyeing them coyly, you’re more than likely going to be ignored rather than pursued.
The INFP
If you’re trying to win them over by flashing around your money or bragging about your high-end job or your fancy car, think again. These types will believe you are a snob and won’t be impressed. Read some Kierkegaard, volunteer for a charity, spend some time reading to dogs at the library – then come back and try again.
The INTP
Is playing hard to get your method of flirting? If so, you might be waiting for a long time. Taking hours to respond to a text or eyeing them mysteriously from the corner of the room will only make them assume that you’re not interested. These types don’t pursue people who don’t give them any signs that attraction is in the air.
The ENFJ
If your method of flirting involves teasing, poking fun, or putting them down – you might want to put a halt to that FAST. These types will just think you’re a bully. Some people flirt by insulting and negging other people, believing that by doing so, they’ll be thrown off guard just enough to become interested. This won’t work for ENFJs. Considerate, transparent connection and expression is much more intriguing to them.
The ENTJ
Don’t try to get their attention by giving other people attention in an attempt to make them jealous. If you want to make them work harder for you, you’ll be sorely disappointed. They’ll just assume you’re interested in someone else and move on.
The INFJ
If you’re trying to flirt with an INFJ by staring at them from across the room, they’re more likely to think that they’ve got food stuck in their teeth than reciprocate your attention. In fact, you’re probably making them uncomfortable, and they’ll try to find their nearest exit to escape your line of vision.
The INTJ
If you’re flirting with an INTJ by showing huge emotional displays and trying to make them your “rescuer,” then, by all means, stop. This will put them on edge more than attract them. It’s okay to have emotional moments, but if you’re trying to seem frail or victim-like to get attention, the INTJ is not your man (or woman).
The ESFP
Don’t talk about the bygone days when people took relationships more seriously. Definitely don’t go onto long tirades about how traditional roles have deteriorated, and women or men need to back to the way things used to be. ESFPs despise cookie-cutter roles and boxes that other people might try to squeeze them into. Statements like these can be the kiss of death in your friendship or relationship.
The ESTP
If your flirting style is more subtle and polite, you’ll run the risk of an ESTP thinking you’re just looking for friendship, and you treat everyone that way. Don’t expect them to get the hint by asking simple questions like, “How was your day?” or holding the door open. Show more interest and be bolder!
The ISFP
If you’re trying to win over an ISFP by pretending to be more fascinated by their interests than you actually are, watch out! These types are quick to spot phony behavior – and they hate it. They don’t want to be with anyone who is trying to play a part to win their heart. They want the real deal – if you’re a decent person, that is.
The ISTP
Don’t seem overly imposing or eager if you’re trying to win over this type. If you like them, come right out and say it – but don’t stare, follow them around, or laugh at jokes that you don’t think are funny. Definitely don’t overwhelm them with texts or phone calls. Be clear about your feelings, be understanding if they feel differently or the same, and show confidence by just being yourself!
The ESFJ
If your idea of flirting is touching and making a lot of sexual comments, you might want to slow it down. While these types enjoy romance as much as the next person, they tend to move slowly, waiting until there is some security and trust in the relationship before getting physical. Being too forward right away will give them the impression that you’re a player – and they are typically not into that.
The ESTJ
If sexting and sending revealing photos is your way of flirting, then you might want to put on the brakes. While ESTJs like people who get to the point, they also tend to avoid people who lack a sense of propriety. Show that you have some sensible caution before you start dating, and they’ll respect you more. Be polite, down-to-earth, and sincere about your feelings (but save the more provocative ones till later).
The ISFJ
Is your version of flirting teasing and making sarcastic comments? While that might work for some types, it can put ISFJs on edge. They’ll probably just assume that you hate them.
The ISTJ
If your method of flirting involves giving someone cutesy nicknames and appearing over-eager, (for example, replying “HAHAHA LMAO!!! Ur so funny!!!” in response to a minor joke) then best to pursue someone else. ISTJs will just want to avoid you. Also, don’t misspell words.
What Are Your Thoughts?
What is the worst flirting experience you’ve encountered? What tips would you give to people wanting to flirt with you? Let us know in the comments!
Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
The Ideal Dating Experience of Every Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
What Each Myers-Briggs® Personality Type Needs in a Relationship
The Pet Peeves of Every Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
Subscribe to Our Newsletter
Want to discover more about personality type? Get the inside scoop with Susan Storm on all things typological, along with special subscriber freebies, and discounts on new eBooks and courses! Join our newsletter today!
My inclination is to say your take on INFJ’s might be more female specific. I imagine a women would be very self conscience if she feels put on the spot, if she feels the guy might be a creep, or he seems too aggressive.
For a guy, at least from my experience, the response from a woman staring from across the room might be like, “Why is she staring at me? She couldn’t possible like me… could she? I mean, I’m too weird… I’m not good enough… maybe I should talk to her?… NO WAY! I’m too scared, too awkward, and I’m sure I’d be rejected…” Then after that hiding may or may not be in order, but we will certainly be beating ourselves up because we’re thinking “At least I could’ve smiled 🙁 Then if she seemed like someone we even remotely might like, we will invariably get stuck in a Ni-Ti loop for the next week… or month thinking what we could’ve done different.
It can be very hard for an INFJ male to “make the first move” and when we do, we just might pass out from anxiety in the process. So, a successful way to “flirt” with us wouldn’t really be a flirt at all but simply approaching us and saying “Hi,” which we would hardly expect a nice woman to do, and then be up for a meaningful conversation. Once we recover from the fact that a nice woman actually noticed us, we would proceed to talk her ear off… which may or may not be the best way to go but… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This is awesome! Thank you so much for sharing:) I think it’s great to hear the perspective of a male INFJ and get a broader sense of what it would be like!
My pleasure indeed! I find there isn’t much out there on INFJ males. In fact, I don’t know that I’ve ever read anything coming from a distinctively INFJ male perspective. At least nothing that has been clearly presented as such. Personally, I think that’s unfortunate. I believe lots of insights are being missed.
I have to admit though, I don’t think I’ve ever met another INFJ, or at least I haven’t known someone well enough that I could identify them as such. The only possible exception is I think one of my children is INFJ. Another of my children is definitely INFP. My poor wife. She’s outnumbered 6 to 1 being the only extrovert in our family 😮
Here’s an interesting tidbit… In my own research, when there’s a picture connected to anything INFJ related, it’s invariably been a picture of a slender, teen to 20 something yr old, white female looking either a sullen or awkward. I hope you understand I don’t mean that specifically as a criticism of your work. It’s simply an observation I’ve made over the last few years of my learning about personality theory.
Whatever the reason for this, it’s certainly telling of something. In your experience, would you say it’s simply that INFJ males, or perhaps guys in general, are disproportionately disinterested in personality theory? What other thoughts do you have?
That’s a good question! I know I tend to pick females just because statistically there are far more INFJ females than males – BUT I don’t want to go overboard, and I’d love to have more articles from a male perspective (featuring males in the pictures). Have you ever thought of writing something up? If you ever feel like discussing it, contact me and maybe we can work out a guest post 🙂
I’m sure your wife is happy to have all the introverts in her family there 🙂
Thanks for the helpful feedback!
INTJ INTP ISTP ISTJ here…
Haha Do you want a current ISTP joke? “Nigerian pastor confuses holy water and gas, blowing up his church” That’s why I now come to understand your “autistic” description of Ni (INFJ) …
I’m kind of confused by this…
I am INFJ-not sure if this is typical for my type or not-I was recently approached by a man I have seen weekly in a volunteer setting for over a year. He told me he has been interested in me as long as we have worked together, and he was certain I had noticed how flirtatious he had been with me. I was absolutely shocked! Not only did I have zero clue he was interested in me, I was completely oblivious to any flirting. My ability to flirt is as abysmal as my ability to recognize flirtation. I prefer direct communication-had I noticed flirtation it would have felt false to me-real and authentic is always my preference.
Well, in fact, it was not a joke. Sorry.
As an ENFP, commitment right away in a relationship that hasn’t had the enough time to analyze it and know if it works… it’s stressful.
As an ENFP here, I think this needs to be clarified. While I understand that we are all different and that it can be different case for some ENFP’s and that this might not be helpful for everyone but for me talking about your long term intentions helps me to know if you are right for me. If you aren’t planing for a long term relationship then your not worth my time. If you want to daydream and talk about the future with me then please do, just don’t give me a play by play of how you are going to do it. I don’t want to be trapped into a plan that can’t change at a moments notice. I don’t know if this is the case for all ENFP’s or if its just me but that is my opinion.
Aa an INFP I think I would love someone who makes me feel good in my skin,the way I am… weirdo!!
But most importantly they need my trust.
I would also say condescendsion is a big NO NO for flirting with us ISFJs.
Still not sure of my type, but probably the quickest way a guy lost me when trying to flirt was by giving me a backhanded compliment. I am usually pretty forgiving of such gaffes within a stressful romantic context, but I surprised us both with my sharp verbal clap-back. Normally I would have withered at the resulting blowback from him that followed, but I honestly didn’t care and felt pretty smug about standing up for myself. Even now when I think back on it, all I can say is what a jerk thing for him to do! I hope he learned a valuable lesson! Judging by this list, I would fall under ENFJ 🙂
I’m an INFP, but I’d also agree with that the things listed for ENFP, ENTP, ESFJ, ESTJ, and ISTJ would also not work as flirting methods for me. Especially the sexual things, which are major turn-offs, as I value a man who has high standards and morals.
Also, I once liked a guy who was an INFJ type, and I think that might be best personality to have. Or at least, that type seems the most attractive to me. I’m glad to know that I should avoid staring at an INFJ to show that I like him. I don’t really stare at people, but I do like making eye contact, especially if someone is talking to me. I suppose that’s different, though.
[INTPs]
Is playing hard to get your method of flirting? If so, you might be waiting for a long time.
????
I don’t know why, but your humour gets at its best when it comes to INTP.
Enfj here. And that’s not true to be honest. I enjoy teasing others AND also receive some teasing. We don’t think of you as a bully, because we’re not oblivious (we know when you’re into us). The thing I’m definitely NOT into though is when a guy came up to me and said “You should totally be into me, I’m RICH”. I don’t care how much money you have. I’d rather fall in love with a homeless person who has a good heart, than a rich snob who is too pushy.
Enfj here. And that’s not true to be honest. I enjoy teasing others AND also receive some teasing. We don’t think of you as a bully, because we’re not oblivious (we know when you’re into us). The thing I’m definitely NOT into though is when a guy came up to me and said “You should totally be into me, I’m RICH”. I don’t care how much money you have. I’d rather fall in love with a homeless person who has a good heart, than a rich snob who is too pushy.
INFJ might be bias towards the female INFJ because be stare at can make most women nervous and uncomfortable (stalker material).
As a male INFJ, I might find it flattering because I know I carry myself either as a lone wolf mystery or I’m completely charismatic and engaging in spurts, so it’s common to see a woman trying not to stare at me, if anything it’ll make me intrigued if I noticed her staring. But what turns me off is being too quick with the touching me or overly touching me, a good seduction though is touching me then knowing when to pull back for me wanting more. (I know, that’s paradoxically but getting too friendly can be suspicious and if you trigger me and get me trying to decode “why” in my head, is that a another female “psychopath stare” that I am conditioned to avoid, the attraction stops.)
Don’t touch the merchandise unless you can afford it.
I’m INFP and I’m a snob. I actually like luxury…. but yeah flashing status looks shallow and tacky to me (see? I’m elitist). However, I learned long ago that volunteering and reading philosophy doesn’t make someone deep either and can be its own kind of status seeking. What impresses me is emotional honesty (like INTPs, I don’t get hints) and someone acting with integrity, not trying to win social points with good deeds or possessions.
Ok… now how about a “how to” instead of how not to?