How INFPs Say “I Love You”

How do INFPs show love? Each of the 16 Myers-Briggs® personality types gives and receives loves in very different ways. If you’re partnered up with an INFP and you find yourself scratching your head because their way of showing love is so different from your own then this post is for you. Today we’re going to discover what INFPs naturally do when they care about someone, and we’ll also take a look at some of the unique struggles they face in relationships.

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How INFPs Say “I Love You”

They Make Space for You to Express Yourself

INFPs know that trust has to be established before anyone can show who they truly are. They are patient with this process and try to create an open, authentic interchange so that you can feel safe sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with them. INFPs naturally encourage you to express yourself and they make space for you to do so without judgement. This means not offering a lot of unsolicited advice, asking questions without judgment, and listening without interjecting a lot of opinions.

They Remember Small Details About You

INFPs enjoy collecting memories and details about the people they love. While they can be a little distracted at times about their environment, they can have a sharp eye for details if it pertains to someone they care about. They’ll remember every detail of your first interaction, first date, or stories you’ve shared with them about your life. You’ll be surprised by how much they can recall and how they often incorporate these memories into conversations and thoughtful gifts.

They Keep Little Mementos of Your Time Together

INFPs love to collect physical reminders of the people, places, and experiences that matter to them. INFPs might keep a receipt from a store, tickets from your first date, or preserved leaves from your favorite hike together in their journal. They see these items as little time capsules that capture all the special memories you’ve shared together.

They Try to Show Love in Your Chosen Ways

INFPs know that each individual has a unique world inside them with very specific hopes, dreams, and preferences. Because of this, they don’t treat any two people exactly the same. If they love you their goal is to love you in a way that you naturally want to receive it. They’ll pay attention to what sparks joy in you; whether that’s physical affection, words of affirmation, gifts, or practical assistance. Of course, they can’t completely alter who they are (and they wouldn’t want to) so they’ll show you love in their own ways as well, no matter what.

They Listen Well

INFPs are excellent at listening and they’re often able to see both sides of every issue. When you’re talking to them, they’ll be fully present and engaged in the conversation. They won’t interrupt you or offer unsolicited advice unless you ask for it. Even then, they’ll be careful not to steamroll over your own thoughts and feelings.

Dario Nardi, a neuroscience expert and former professor at UCLA, said of INFPs: “The Fi types (INFPs and ISFPs) often enter a special listening mode. They are consummate listeners. They thoroughly engage all brain regions that process voice, words, and sounds; moreover, they may easily enter a unique whole-brain state when listening to other people, whoever those people might be…..INFPs are more likely to enter the listening mode and stay with it longer (than ISFPs). They can hold this state for ten minute or more as they truly, actively listen.” – Dario Nardi, Neuroscience of Personality

They Give Symbolic Gifts

INFPs are unlikely to give you anything basic or stereotypical for a gift (unless you’ve specifically asked for it, of course). They prefer to give you something that has a personal meaning or significance. This might be a first-edition of one of your favorite books, a trinket they found on their travels, or a homemade item they made themselves. They want to put thought into every gift they give you and often see gift-giving as an opportunity to show their creativity and personalized affection to who you are uniquely as a person.

They Bring You Into Their Imagination

INFPs are not called “the dreamers” for nothing. They love to dream up scenarios and possibilities involving you, and will enjoy sharing their ideas with you (if they’ve reached a deep level of trust). When INFPs love you, they want to share their inner world with you. They might write stories or poems inspired by you, make you mix-tapes of songs that remind them of you, or take you on impromptu adventures that came straight out of their own imagination.

It’s crucial to honor this imaginative side of the INFP because it takes vulnerability for them to share their inner world with you. INFPs need to know that you’re interested in hearing about their ideas and that you won’t judge them for being too “out there.”

They Defend You When You’re Not There

INFPs are loyal to the people and causes they care about. If they love you, they’ll be quick to defend you (even if you’re not there to defend yourself). They’ll stand up for your character and beliefs, even when it’s not popular to do so. While they hate conflict, they will not stand idly by and let people gossip about or disparage you.

They’ll Ask You Questions

INFPs love to learn about the people they love. While they care about things like your day at work or your career goals; ultimately they’re more interested in the deeper aspects of who you are. They want to know what matters to you on a core level; what you’re “all about.” What ideas or causes move your heart? Which songs resonate with your soul? What dreams do you harbor and think about at night before you fall asleep? INFPs want to know all of this because they want to understand you as deeply as possible. They want to get to the deepest, core layer of who you are.

They’ll Respect Your Space

INFPs are sensitive souls who need a lot of time alone to process their own feelings and thoughts. This means that they’ll honor that need for you as well. When INFPs love you, they’ll respect your need for space and won’t crowd you or try to control you. They know that everyone needs time to themselves and they’ll never try to take that away from you.

Common Hardships of INFPs in Relationships:

INFPs are a rare personality type, making up a mere 6.3% of the US population. These idealists deeply crave emotional intimacy and romantic connection. As idealists, they long for integrity and a deep sense of meaning.

“To understand Healers (INFPs), we must understand their idealism as almost boundless and selfless, inspiring them to make extraordinary sacrifices for someone or something they believe in. They are the Shaman, Medicine Man, or Witch Doctor of the tribe, the Prince or Princess in fairy tales, the True Knight or Defender of the Faith, like Don Quixote or Joan of Arc. Isolated by their seclusiveness and infrequency, their idealism leaves them feeling even more isolated from the rest of humanity.” – David Keirsey, Please Understand Me II

In the modern-day world, many INFPs report feeling disillusioned with romance and dating. With apps like Tinder and Bumble, the dating world has become increasingly superficial. INFPs are looking for more than just a pretty face or hot body; they want an emotional and spiritual connection with their partner. Even the idea of someone “swiping” on them because of their superficial appearance is distasteful to them. People are so much more than limbs and bones and skin and teeth. They are souls and hearts that each have unique dreams, hopes, grievances, and passions.

INFPs long for a more romantic world and a world with more integrity and compassion. The dating world, and even the world of relationships, can feel so shallow compared to what they imagined in their growing up years. It’s not enough to watch TikToks together, go to parties, or share the same interests; INFPs want to share their innermost thoughts and feelings with their partner. They want to be emotionally intimate and open with them. And they want the same from their partner.

But this desire can seem almost unrealistic in today’s world. With so many people looking for hookups and ego-fulfilling encounters, INFPs often feel like they’re swimming upstream. They want something more but can’t seem to find it.

How to Bring Meaning and Depth Into Your Relationship with an INFP:

If you’re reading this and wondering how you can offer the kind of depth and intimacy that an INFP craves, here are some pointers.

• Schedule a night each week to do something imaginative and out of the ordinary. Play each other your favorite songs that helped you in life. Talk about why they mattered to you. Light candles, play soft music, and read a book together, taking turns with who reads each chapter. Go on a drive to somewhere you’ve never been, even if it’s only a nearby town. Find ways to add spontaneity, romance, and adventure into your relationship.
• Take at least 10 minutes each day to share, without judgment, feelings and experiences. Ask questions like, “What was the best part of your day?” “What was the worst part of your day?” “Did anything inspire you today?”
• When your partner is talking about their struggles or venting, don’t jump in with a lot of advice and opinions. Rephrase what you’re hearing back to them and ask, “Am I hearing you right?” Often a listening ear and a supportive presence is all they need. When they’re done talking, asking questions like “How can I support you now?” is always helpful.
• Share stories and experiences from your life and talk about what they meant to you personally. Remember that INFPs are always interested in what something means to you as an individual. It’s not enough to know what happened, they want to know how it impacted you.
• Don’t be afraid to be cheesy and romantic. Dance in your living room, cook dinner together while blasting sentimental music, or sit out on the porch and watch the stars!
• Take an interest in what matters to an INFP personally. What books, movies, songs, or experiences inspire them? Find ways to incorporate those things into your life.
• Do some things to support a cause that matters to you. INFPs are drawn to people who believe in something bigger than themselves. Help out at an animal shelter, pick up trash along the beach, give money to a homeless person. Find something that you have conviction about and share it with them.
• Try to never be looking at your phone when you’re on a date with them or having one-on-one time together.

INFPs and Conflict:

Like most Idealists (NF types), INFPs tend to despise conflict. They would much rather live in a world of gentleness and understanding. But unfortunately, the world is not always so kind. And, like all types in relationships, INFPs can find themselves having to deal with conflict in their relationships.

While INFPs may shy away from confrontation most of the time, they can flip a switch and be surprisingly assertive when one of their core values is violated. If you’re dating an INFP, it’s important to be aware of what those values are.

Just know that, regardless of the conflict, confrontation takes a heavy toll on the INFP. It likely takes a great deal out of them to give criticism as well as receive it. Be sensitive with critique and avoid attacking their character or making assumptions about them. When they offer you criticism, try to pause and understand where their heart is at before retaliating. Also be aware that they may need some time alone to recoup after any kind of argument.

Some Rules for Healthy Conflict:

1. INFPs need a lot of time to process their feelings. In the heat of the moment, they may seem distant or even apathetic. This doesn’t mean they don’t care, it just means they need time to sort out their thoughts and emotions. INFPs may have a hard time being direct about what’s bothering them.
2. INFPs may avoid conflict altogether, or try to passive-aggressively communicate their needs. It’s important to be patient with them and gently encourage them to share what they’re feeling.
3. Establish boundaries. Everyone deserves respect, even in a conflict. Know that there are certain lines you won’t cross, such as name-calling or making assumptions about someone’s character or intention.
4. Make sure it’s okay to “agree to disagree.”
5. Use “I feel” words to communicate what you are struggling with. Describe how something is impacting you, what needs are going unmet, but try to avoid making accusatory statements. Instead of “I feel like you’re thoughtless because you don’t help out with chores” you could say, “I feel tired from doing all the chores and would really feel supported if you helped out.”
6. Work through issues as they arise in a gentle way. Don’t stockpile resentments and then blow up later. That hurts everyone.
7. Always try to listen from a place of curiosity rather than condemnation and defensiveness.
8. Take a time-out if you start to feel angry. Sometimes it’s important to take a break to calm down, think about what the other person said, analyze your own defensive feelings, and assess what’s really true. This way you can come back to the conversation without saying anything impulsive you regret.

Other Articles You Might Enjoy:

Dealing with Emotional Overwhelm as an INFP

INFPs and Their Compatibility with Every Myers-Briggs® Personality Type

The Top 7 Gift Ideas for INFPs

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