Understanding INFJ “Grip” Stress
Have you ever heard of INFJ grip stress? Today we’re going to explore this topic because knowing about it can clear up a lot of confusion for you if you’ve been experiencing chronic stress for a while. In order to write about this in a relatable way I’m going to use a lot of my own experiences here to explain what grip stress is like.
This article gets wayyy more personal than any of my other articles ever have. You might think it’s even oversharing information. But if it helps even one person I’m good with this!
As an INFJ, these are just some of the things that tend to stress you out:
- Dealing with too many details in the outer world.
- Working under ignorant or irrational people.
- Too much time extraverting or socializing
- A noisy, disorganized environment
- Having your values violated
- Deceitfulness
- Interruptions
- Multi-tasking
- Conflict in relationships
Naomi Quenk, one of the authors of the MBTI® Manual, and the author of “Was That Really Me? How Everyday Stress Brings Out Our Hidden Personality” says in her book:
“Of the four dominant Introverted types, it is Introverted Intuitive types who most frequently mention “too much extraverting” as a common trigger for inferior function responses.They describe being provoked by such things as crowds; people overload; noisy, busy environments; feeling that their personal space is being invaded; and frequent interruptions. When faced with such provocations, they retreat inside themselves and become intolerant of intrusions by others.They either express irritation at people’s questions or do not respond at all to attempts to communicate with them.”
Not sure what your personality type is? Personality Hacker has the most accurate free online personality indicator I’ve been able to find. Click here to take it.
But What is “Grip” Stress?
When INFJs are experiencing chronic stress or sudden, extreme stress, they may fall into the grip of their inferior function; Extraverted Sensing. This isn’t your everyday normal stress either, the stress has to be pretty intense or lengthy to push an INFJ to this point. You can see more details about this in the handy infographic I made below (you may need to click on it to see it well):
What Grip Stress Looks Like:
Grip stress makes the INFJ suddenly start behaving like an unhealthy, imbalanced ESTP. We lose our long-range focus, our typical empathetic nature and become focused on indulgence and sensory pleasure. We may become impulsive and reckless, seeking out thrills or enjoyment even if it’s dangerous. For some of us this means overeating, for others it means bungee jumping. Some people find healthier ways of managing a “grip” reaction; they exercise, hike, ride their bike, or take pictures. Usually, however, grip stress results in over-use of extraverted sensing and usually it isn’t pretty.
My Young Adult Grip-Stress Phase
Trigger warning: This section talks about some situations that may be upsetting to people, such as sexual and physical assault and self-harm.
Okay, this is where it gets personal (and a little scary) for me. I was sexually abused as a child which resulted in me having nightmares and PTSD for most of my childhood. From the ages of 19-21 I was in a bad place and went through a series of abusive relationships. The last abuser told me that if I ever left or didn’t do what he wanted that I would lose someone very important and close to me. I felt trapped, I could see no way out, and I completely lost any sense of self-confidence I’d ever had. At the end of every week, this person would take me away from my home and put me through some of the most dehumanizing experiences I could imagine. From rape to emotional abuse to scare tactics, he knew everything he could do to terrify me into giving him what he wanted. I tried to get away, but each time I tried to get out of the situation I’d worry about his threats. I’d convince myself that I’d go through anything to keep him from following through on them.
The Descent Into the Inferior Function
This chronic, extreme stress caused me to become completely overtaken by my inferior function. I could not live as a healthy Introverted-Intuitive dominant type anymore.
Introverted Intuition couldn’t help me solve the problems I was facing. Unhealthy extraverted sensation became my way of coping, and as a result I couldn’t foresee future implications. I’d go through bouts of starvation and then I’d binge eat everything in my refrigerator. I became impulsive and only focused on the moment at hand. I’d lay on my floor at night blasting Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, or whatever was the angriest, loudest, most desperate music I could find.
I wanted to escape but I could see no way out. The future was bleak and hazy and my normal focus was absent. I needed to feel something physically, intensely, to make me feel like I was still alive. During the abuse I would try as hard to get out of my body so that I couldn’t feel anything. But when that was over, I just wanted to feel. I needed to bombard my senses with stimuli. I cut myself, got body piercings, and I relied on profanity-laced industrial music to get through the day. Now I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with piercings or loud music, or that if you like Marilyn Manson you must be an INFJ or INTJ experiencing stress. But all these things put together are kind of unusual INFJ behaviors. For many INFJs in the grip, they flip a switch and become more like an unhealthy ESTP type.
Is Extraverted Sensing Bad?
To be clear, Extraverted Sensing is an amazing cognitive function to have and people who are dominant in Se are exceptionally gifted at taking advantage of the moment, being aware of their surroundings, enjoying the sights, sounds, and textures of the world around them. When INFJs or INTJs fall into the grip of Extraverted Sensing they will often display unhealthy or imbalanced Se. This means that instead of enjoying the sights and sounds around them in moderation, they may go into overdrive. They may binge eat, starve themselves, drink too much, or make impulsive risky decisions without consideration for the future. Some may listen to really loud music, partake in risky physical behaviors, or they may become obsessed with cleaning, organizing, or exercising.
INFJs grip-stress experiences will vary from person to person, what one person might do the other may not be interested in. Their responses all have one thing in common, though: they all focus on physical sensation, impulsive activity, or changing the external environment in some way (by cleaning or lashing out at people in the outer environment). The most common side-effect is that INFJs lose their signature long-term focus and can only think about the moment at hand.
Naomi Quenk, in her book “Was That Really Me? How Everyday Stress Brings Out Our Hidden Personality” puts it well:
“As their hold on their dominant and auxiliary functions further diminishes, the qualities of inferior Extraverted Sensing manifest in an obsessive focus on external data, overindulgence in sensual pleasures, and an adversarial attitude toward the outer world….What the introverted intuitive represses most of all is the sensation of the object, and this colours his whole unconscious. It gives rise to a compensatory extraverted sensation function of an archaic character. The unconscious personality can best be described as an extraverted sensation type of a rather low and primitive order. Instinctuality and intemperance are the hallmarks of this sensation, combined with an extraordinary dependence on sense-impressions. This compensates the rarefied air of the intuitive’s conscious attitude.”
I got out of this grip-stress phase eventually when I had my daughter and realized that I would do absolutely anything to protect her from my abuser or anyone else like them. As a single mother I promised myself I would never, ever allow anyone abusive near myself or my daughter if I could help it. I drastically changed my life, but it took a terrifying leap of faith. I had to believe that I could stand up to any threats that my abuser would throw at me and have faith that my loved ones would be safe.
Is all my stress over? Absolutely not. I still have PTSD that I have to try to live with, but things are so much better than I could ever have imagined at that point in my life. That said, my next “grip” stress experience is MUCH more “lighthearted”.
INFJ Stress Experiences as a Mother of Five
Remember how I said that INFJs need alone time, mental clarity, and peace? Okay, well, I have five kids. Yeah. Not much “tranquility” going on around here. I homeschool my oldest, my stepson is with us part-time, and then I have a 5-year-old, a 3-year-old, and an infant. Needless to say it’s never quiet. Alone time is a thing of the past, and paying attention to lots of details is an all-day job. At any given moment during the day I could be nursing the baby, making sure my toddler isn’t climbing into the fish tank, responding to a work-related email, and teaching my oldest daughter geometry at the same time. Constant multi-tasking. And that’s not an INFJ or INTJ thing either. We hate multi-tasking. We like to focus on one thing at a time. If you ever want to really annoy an INFJ, interrupt them when they’re trying to focus on one thing.
Of course, I would endure an eternity of endless, excruciating forms of torture for my children. I’d throw myself on a grenade for them in an instant. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for them, and I love them madly and with all my heart. Do I wish I could go back to life with no kids? No.
Do I wish it was quiet or I could have some alone time? Yes. Absolutely. Worrying about my children, living from paycheck-to-paycheck, waking up all night with a fussy baby, and trying to juggle cleaning, cooking, work, and kids is incredibly stressful for me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love and adore my babies with every ounce of my being. That doesn’t mean that when they are all finally asleep at night I don’t scroll through the photos of them on my phone and miss them with all my heart.
So how does an INFJ or INTJ mom fall into the grip? Well, you’ll be happy to know I don’t go out and get any piercings and I don’t blast Marilyn Manson around my kids.
I’ll show you.
Grip Stress and Indulgence
Yep, nutty bars. These chocolate, peanut butter wafers are paradise in my mouth. I wake up in the morning and my arms are full of babies and the house is full of demands and noise, what do I do? Grab a nutty bar! It’s 2 o’clock and I haven’t eaten lunch yet, and my toddler won’t nap? Grab another nutty bar! Little Debbie has taken the place of Marilyn Manson, and my waistline is showing it. Yeah, and that’s another thing I can get stressed out about.
Grip Stress and Impulsivity
My husband came home last night and I asked about a mutual friend. When he said she was doing fine and that her mom was helping out with her kids, I suddenly blurted out, nearly shouting, “I am SO sick of all these other people who’s moms are DESPERATELY willing to watch their babies so they can work!” This kind of outburst is extremely unusual from me. I hate raising my voice, or losing control, or getting caught throwing a giant pity party for myself. But right then I wasn’t considering anyone else but myself and how I felt in that moment.
I must have looked pretty scary, because my husband, my normally super-chill ESTP husband, looked like I’d just gone into a seizure. I started ranting about how it wasn’t fair that all these other women had mom’s just waiting to babysit their kids and my mom lives so far away and I never get free babysitting or get to see my mom. It was bad. If I’d had any nutty bars around I probably would have been eating them, crumbs falling down my face, waving the snacks around for emphasis. It was completely ridiculous. I was mad at the world and every other mom who had a mom nearby to help with their kids.
To any women I know who’s moms babysit their kids, I’m sorry. You guys are awesome. I’m seriously not mad about it anymore.
This impulsiveness leaks into my fantasies. The other day my husband, who was holding our newborn, gave me that line busy mom’s just love to hear “looks like she wants to nurse!”. I stopped doing whatever productive thing I was doing, and said I’d be right back. In my mind I imagined opening the window in my bedroom, with a box of nutty bars of course, jumping out the window, getting in the van and driving away. Hopefully I would be blasting some appropriate classic rock song like “Under Pressure” or “More Than a Feeling”.
Would I ever actually follow through with this fantasy? No. I’d rather sit through the entire 50 Shades of Gray movie, munching on kale, and having root canals performed simultaneously than leave my family.
Yes, I know, you can’t munch on kale, watch a horrible movie, and get a root canal at the same time. But if there was a definition of hell for me, that would be it.
“But Wait! This Isn’t Encouraging Me!”
Perhaps not. This might just make you feel worse. You can totally skip reading my book now, because it probably seems like I don’t know anything about managing stress. But there are things you can do INFJs! All of us are (probably) going to experience extreme stress at some point in our lives. Life is messy. It’s a roller coaster sometimes. We screw up, or life deals us a bad hand, or we’re blessed with four amazing children who interrupt us and don’t let us sleep at night 🙂 The point is that we have to find a way to come to terms with it.
Right now, for me that means finding some way to get alone and get some peace and quiet. Today I hired a babysitter so I could just take care of my newborn for a little while. It’s as close to alone as I can get right now. I listened to music and did absolutely nothing else for a few minutes (till my baby started crying). I looked out the window and noticed all the leaves on the trees falling.
Right now I’m writing while my baby daughter sleeps on the couch next to me. I’m enjoying the moment in moderation. I’m going to try to use my Extraverted Sensing in a positive way and enjoy all the good sensory things going on around me. At a certain point you have to realize you’re fully in the grip of your inferior function, but you choose to embrace it in a healthy way. Starving or eating too much isn’t the answer, Marilyn Manson isn’t the answer, even Little Debbies isn’t the answer. Get out in nature. Pray. Meditate. Do a Sudoku puzzle. Listen to a beautiful song. Give your intuition and feeling a break and they’ll come back revived and ready to take over again when you’re in a healthier place. Sometimes living in the moment isn’t all that bad.
What Do You Think?
Have you experienced similar “grip” stress reactions in your life? If you feel like sharing, let me know in the comments!
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Reading this was frightening… I mean that in its literal sense. I am shaking! Our lives are so much alike that I started having a weird out-of-body feeling during this read. I mean… When I was younger, I was in an abusive relationship (psychologically, not physically, so that IS different), but I couldn’t get away from it. Finally, he tired of me, and I was left falling down a hole of time that I can never get back.
My late teens-early-twenties were nightmarish. Instead of cutting, or restrict-binge eating, I found painkillers. I was SO straight, so this was a total reversal of character for me. It started slowly: after my wisdom teeth were removed, I found taking these pills was PEACE. I’m talking about walking on clouds, NO HORRIBLE THOUGHTS churning through my head kind of peace. It was blissful. After my prescription ran out, I felt such sadness returning to my everyday life, job and school. I started doctor shopping… et voila!! I was an addict. I was a secret addict, though. The shame was unbearable. I knew I was an addict from the start, I never deluded myself, I just didn’t care. I also decided sex was awesome. I was never into meeting random strangers for sex, but my “poor” boyfriends throughout that period were overwhelmed with my sexual desires. I ended up getting pregnant, young, and decided to keep it. I stopped the pills (I had never graduated to doing anything other than taking doctor-prescribed pills by mouth – no snorting or anything), and it was utter TORTURE. My father had died during my pill-popping time, and I had never dealt with the death. As soon as the pills were gone, the insane fallout from my horrible behavior and father’s death made me feel suicidal every single day. I never formed a plan, but always fantasized about death, AND I was pregnant. Somehow I made it through, I really don’t understand how. I changed my eating habits, life habits and way of thinking during that time, and had this beautiful, PERFECT baby boy. He saved me. I HATE that he was born with this “job.” I feel guilty still that he wasn’t born into a perfect family, like he deserved. I attended college as a single mother, met an awesome guy (who is an ISTP), we got married and have two more little boys now.
My eldest is homeschooled, while the middle boy is a regular-schooler, and the little guy is, well, little. I HATE hearing about my sister-in-law, who has one child, who gets to be cared for by my mother-in-law EVERY SINGLE DAY, and complain about this to my husband. This only happens when I’m being pulled in a million directions by the boys, and I feel like a total horrorshow person afterwards, and often wonder why I’m a psycho. My “Nutty Bars” are reduced fat Cheez-Itz. I love them so much it’s stupid. I keep a box in my nightstand, for heaven’s sake. I only eat sporadically, and when I do, you can be sure my food is orange and square!! I love sewing and crafting for my children, but when I’m in the middle of it, and my husband calls to me asking how to calm our youngest down (after my husband has worked him up), I angrily put down my scissors and stomp downstairs. I found that if I want to calm everyone down, I MUST be calm, though. I force myself to calm the hell down and focus on the particular needs of everyone… just so I can get back to being alone for a few minutes!
Holy crap, I cannot believe I’ve written all this. What I WANTED to say is: THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH for writing this. It has helped so much that I’m holding back tears as I type these final words. Thank you for letting us know we’re not (always) total psychos. 🙂
Hi Laura! I just wanted to say that I was so touched by your response and have wanted to respond to you for days!! I have a newborn I’m trying to burp while typing this, though, so for now my response is very short. I am going to respond in more detail later, because I think it is amazing we have had so many similar experiences. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment here and share your own experiences with me!
My absolute pleasure sharing! I was a little nervous to post, as I’m so incredibly private and rarely even share positive things, but I actually feel better having written it. I really can’t tell you how profoundly your article has affected me. I sincerely feel better about myself since reading your words. I also completely understand your busy-ness with a baby PLUS holiday-time. It’s fairly maddening!! I would love a more detailed response, but please only do it if you happen to find excess time you just don’t know what to do with. By the way, out of simple curiosity, what does your ISTP husband do for a living? Mine happens to be (surprise, surprise) an aerospace engineer. Wishing you and your family the happiest of holidays, and wishing you sweet, peaceful REST!!
Susan. You are an extraordinary source of intelligence and wisdom re type. I’m a male INFJ, who enjoys the benefits and suffers the negatives of being so. Thanks for your work; I wish you and your family all the best!
This is helpful. I’d love to hear more examples of what it looks like when an infj is stressed and how to manage it. Love reading your blog!
As an INFJ I strongly relate to what you wrote. My grip experiences in my youth were similar to yours then and now as a mom of 6 kids my grip experiences are similar to what you described in the present. Quiet, alone time is so vital to my emotional health. Thank you for sharing your stories!
♥
Third Laura commenting on this. Sorry if I don’t write properly, I’m a non-native english speaker, so probably there will be some mistakes.
I started reading about MBTIs not so long ago, and that has incredibly helped me understand myself. I’ve always felt “strange” (And thats also how others, specially my parents, made me feel). The most incredible discovering was about the Ni, when I started reading about Ni it was like someone had enlighted the room, thats exactly how I think, and that felt like a relief, cause there has been so many things I’ve never been able to explain… but the reason Im writing this comment (Although I’ve read ALL the blog, article by article, very bright insights in here…) is that I can totally relate to this “grip”, I’ve experienced many things similar to what you describe, and because of that I felt that there was a “gap” in my life when it came to see myself as an INTJ/INFJ (Not already sure about this), although all the descriptions of cognitive Ni function were clear to me. In my late teens/early 20s I also had an abusive relationship, he also threatened me in the way you describe, and I fell into a hell for some years were I cut myself, drink very heavily (alcohol), had very impulsive casual sex etc. I also was diagnosed with depression and spent a year in therapy (Not very bright therapist, though, at the end I left therapy and overcame it all alone). Now Im happily married (To an-I think- ESTJ), dont drink alcohol at all (Not even in parties, mostly because I don’t like parties so I don’t go, but if I find myself caught in one, I will probably drink cola or water) and I feel like I’ve reached a “zen-like” state by embracing my true-self (even if it is a weird woman who likes to spent friday night alone while husbands parties with his friends reading for hours about MBTI).
To sum up (And sorry-not-sorry for this long and kind of strange comment), I just wanted to thank you for sharing this, because it has make clear for me my Se “grip” when under heavy stress. Thank you for your work, very much.
Hi, Laura! I’m also Laura (I wrote the other long comment). Your English is wonderful. 🙂 I am so glad that we all are able to share our stories here, and I feel so much better reading about the ways we’re alike. I hate that we all have gone through our periods of awfulness, though. I loved reading your story. It makes me feel less alone knowing other INFJs have gone through similar events in their earlier lives. I mostly want you to know that I totally “get” you. Wishing you lots and lots of love and happiness.
I also wanted to add that my ESTJ husband happens to be an airline pilot, and I think that’s probably the best that could happen to someone like me: he spends 4-5 days with me at home, and 2-3 days out, when I have many time to be home alone, thinking, reading etc and I even get to miss him so I’m thankful when he’s back. Perfect pair for an INJ!
I could relate to everything you wrote, but when i hit the part with the Nutty Bars, i started laughing. That has been my go-to as well, i have 2 boxes “for the kids” in my cupboard right now.
Thank you for not deleting your post, it’s very comforting to read someone else’s experiences that are nearly identical to mine. I feel somewhat less alone in all this now.
I had already told you I love your content. Now I kind of love you a little as well. You are damn strong!
I can relate to much you’ve said and I realize I’m strong too, although sometimes my fear is I am not enough.
I am kind of new to MBTI and now I am studying the fourth function, because I’ve seen how many of my behavioral problems stem from it.
I’ve been overeating since I was a child, I have overindulged with weed, I’ve had random sexual encounters etc. Never leaned towards hard drugs, though. I’ve never wanted to lose control totally, that idea scares the crap out of me. And here comes the control problem. I think my grip is about control. If I cannot control the environment, I’ll overeat, and overindulge and… obsess over sensory stuff.
I told you I have an INTJ boyfriend. Our relationship at the beginning was very problematic since we both projected an ideal onto the other and we both didn’t match that so it was a clash of titans. We actually broke up once and almost did it a second time. At that moment I took a look into myself and realized I needed to seek a therapist. So I did (I had been to therapy before but for different reasons and it was not always successful) and I started working on myself and my relationship (I basically had to force my boyfriend to try with me because he had kind of given up… he couldn’t see how I could have changed, how he could have made me feel more loved etc) and also started taking care of my father-in-law with cancer. All of this with the constant problems of my family which is far away but their problems always follow me. So you know what I did? I became OBSESSED with cracks on the paint on the walls and with noises from the outside and from the walls which could be linked to structual problems (we are having a lot of earthquakes in Italy lately and that got me pretty scared) and basically the sound of the wind and of the rain on the roof makes me anxious and keeps me awake at night.
That lasted so long. My boyfriend (whom I finally convinced we were meant to be together and with whom I am pretty darn in synch now YAY ME!) tried to understand but, at a certain point, he flipped and basically shouted at me that I was going overboard with it. That worked as a slap on the face and got me to relax a bit (after crying for my bruised ego). Still, it’s not passed, but I see the logic in not stressing prior to an event… it’s just sometimes I don’t know how to stop it.
In fact, I would much appreciate if you would suggest how I could get out of the grip. Which functions help most? Did you get better now?
Lots of love to you
Awww, thank you so very much! That means a lot to me! I can completely relate to what you’re talking about. I never used to have overeating problems growing up, instead I would skip eating or indulge in other ways…now though overeating is a big problem. I’ll forget to eat all day while I’m busy with the kids and then I’ll just want to binge completely at night when they’re all in bed. I am really glad that therapy helped! That can be so huge. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate with taking care of your father-in-law and other family issues. You definitely have my understanding there.
As far as getting out of the grip, that’s something that takes time and practice I think. I’m still not all the way better, partially because I can’t take the time for myself that I need. My life is so busy I can barely catch my breath. However I find that making contingency plans for when things go wrong can help…this is effectively problem-solving for me. It’s accessing my tertiary Ti to try to get myself out of a grip Se reaction. Also trying to regularly take times to just enjoy the moment throughout the day so that I access my Se and don’t shut it down all the time. Ideally getting some time alone, listening to some music, reading a book, all these kinds of things can be refreshing and give me a chance to re-assess where I’m at…I just don’t really get alone time…ever, haha! I’m kind of always in a mildly to extreme stressed state so I feel bad that I can’t give you better advice. Having four little kids at home and PTSD has made it difficult for me to fully get the opportunities to de-stress. But if I had the opportunity I know what would calm me down and help with stress would be time alone, time in nature, meditation, reading, taking solitary breaks to just get in touch with myself. Sorry if that wasn’t very helpful! I wish you all the best! I’m so sorry you are dealing with grip stress and I hope that things will get better over time! Lots of love to you too!
Hi – I really appreciate this post. I am an INFJ struggling a bit right now. Lately, I’ve noticed that I’ve been very caught up in organizing, buying things, and fixating on food…so of course, now I keep staring in the mirror wondering if I’m gaining weight (great, right?). I like what you said about engaging with nature healthily, praying, and just being present with the grip experience–don’t hate myself for it. I suppose it’s all a progression, a cycle.
It’s like a hug or a warm cup of tea to read this post. I don’t have any INFJ friends, so it’s good to not feel so alone in this. Thank you again.
Hello,
This is a response to multiple articles I’ve been reading through on this site about INFJs, not just this one.
I’d like to thank you because I finally feel like someone GETS it.
I grew up in an abusive household, and as a child who just absorbed the emotional climate around her (and tried to fix it), I burned out young and quickly. By age 12 I was self-harming and dissociating, by age 15 I had developed a severe eating disorder (I am 30 now, and still struggling with it).
I have taken the MBTI a few times throughout the years, and the results have been different every time. When I read basic descriptions of the types, they never quite entirely fit. For example, I have typed as INTP, and the descriptors fit, but don’t FIT. They are how many people would describe me and how I function in the world, but they miss the internal landscape. I highly value logic and intellect, and I think that developing that particular function was how I managed to survive my household – it gave me the distance I needed to be able to function at all. But it ignores how deeply and quickly I feel other people’s pain, my uncanny ability to predict outcomes, and the lengths I’ll go to to turn things off when I become overwhelmed with the emotion and pain around me (even though I still can’t ever figure out what I’M actually feeling).
Of course, I decided as a young teenager that I was going into a helping profession and would essentially “fix the system” from the inside out. I did go into a helping profession, but am experiencing what another of your articles calls NFJ Empathy Burnout. There have been MANY major stressors this year, including a move into my grandparents’ house which leaves me with no sense of privacy or any ability to truly “introvert” and a rape which added PTSD on to the C-PTSD I already had. I am in an “extroverted sensing” tail spin right now, feeling completely unable to control the anorexia/bulimia/self harm, and so unable to filter out sensory input that my doctors have tried ADHD medication. When I am healthier, I am able to take in large amounts of information and make global and intuitive connections.. right now I am struggling to make a thought coherent enough to type this note.
I am not looking for pity; on the contrary I am just trying to provide you with enough information that you will understand how much I mean it when I say thank you. These articles are getting through some of that chronic loneliness you’ve discussed, and are giving me a much better understanding of exactly why the eating disorder and self harm “take over” so forcefully and quickly. They are also giving me practical ideas about how to get my other functions back online, and things I need to be aware of as potential warning signals to catch myself BEFORE I am completely overwhelmed next time. And, of course, it is validating to read that there are other people out there who experience the world in a similar way to me.
So, thank you 🙂
Stephanie
Hi Stephanie!
Thank you SO much for the comment you left me. It meant a great deal to me, and I am so glad if anything I’ve written has helped at all. I am SO sorry that you grew up experiencing such abuse and then on top of that have to deal with a rape as well. I have C-PTSD related to childhood and adult sexual abuse and so I know how deep that pain goes and how hard it is to recover. I know you are not looking for pity, but I am very sorry that you are having to deal with so much at one time. Do you have any good support network or anything to help out? I hope so. I really truly help that some of the tips I’ve put together for INFJs will help, but if you ever want to chat because you’re having a rough time (I know as an introvert you may not want to) feel free to PM me on my facebook page (facebook.com/PsychologyJunkie) I wish you all the best.
Susie
This is crazy – are you describing me? :O Everything is just so spot-on when it comes to how I dealt with extreme stress, from the blasting Marilyn Manson to binge-eating!
Wow!! That’s crazy! I hope that you aren’t going through a lot of extreme stress right now. Sending lots of support your way!!
I don’t even know where to start, but am glad I found this article. I am an INFJ married to an ISTP, and never thought I’d find another in that situation! Not exactly a ‘recommended pairing’ in any of the MBTI stuff I’ve read. 😉
I am a homeschooling mom of 8…the eldest is now 29 and the youngest is 12, so I don’t have them all at home anymore, but parenting and some of the stress of that goes on through life… I have 3 at home (12, 17, and 19) and 2 in college, and 3 adults. As an INFJ mama, I know and respect each as an individual, and where I think it’s right that I’ve treated them almost as only children in pursuing their interests and respecting their personalities, it’s TIRING. The 17 and 19 year olds are also ADD, so have challenges I try to understand and help guide them through…they tend to be moody, don’t mind using my stuff or leaving messes, and the youngest has some anxiety issues that appeared with puberty, so my empathy is in constant overdrive. These statements describe my life exactly, and have for a looooong time: “Lack of alone time, constant interruptions, noise, these kinds of things are like torture to an INFJ. Other major stressors include lack of harmony in the environment, having to focus on too many details, and not being able to envision the future.”
I also sometimes feel like driving away, but have the same feelings you do about leaving my family…I’d NEVER do it. It’s so funny that I have been recently blasting music, including “More than a Feeling,” and though I could easily make Nutty Bars my ‘thing,’ because I love them, I, instead, live on my homemade coffee drinks, or as I sometimes describe them, “coffee-flavored soy milk drinks.” At least I’ve added protein, coconut oil, and collagen to try to make them into something healthy? lol
I have responsibility for EVERY thing in our house, as my ISTP is more singularly focused and leaves a lot to me….things I can handle, but that utilize and stress the weak areas in my INFJ personality (financial details, deadlines, paperwork, schedules, etc). I know I take on too much and do too much, but if I stop any of it, it just increases the anxiety of having things accomplished on time and correctly. A therapist told me that I created this situation and I could stop it …Not that she’s wrong, but it just feels more responsibility on my shoulders with more anxiety added in the process.
Ok, I’ve said too much already, but here is my problem… The alone time thing. I don’t just want to drive off and sit or walk alone. I have things I want to accomplish without leaving. I love to do art and be creative, and my current focus in that area is art quilting. For that I need space, peace, and uninterrupted thoughts…but those aren’t EVER possible in my house! My sewing area doesn’t have a door, and since my 12 yr old and I are often home alone, I wouldn’t want to shut him out anyway. But I’m dying to have a room where I can shut out the world, and focus. And my world (and most of my stress) is my family, so that’s a tough fight in my head and heart.
What a really thoughtful genuine article. You sound like a great mum who did what was required to protect her child even though you were terrified. Having my daughter gave me strength also and she always comes first no matter who I have to stand up to. I can relate to the food obsession… I am in love with peanut butter cup ice cream! Those nutty bars look delicious!!
I have been extremely stressed in work for about 1.5 years now and have witnessed my infj personality deteriorate during this time. I am looking for other work because I am not my best self and my fiance and daughter deserve my infj not this moody beast that I become.
I have read a few of your articles now and they’re great. I have only recently found out I am an infj but it explains a lot!
Good luck with your lovely family and I look forward to reading more of your articles 🙂
P.s. I am making peanut buttercup cheesecake this weekend!
Wow! Peanut butter cup cheesecake sounds amazing!! Can I join you? Thank you so much for responding and for the kind words. Yes, having my daughter definitely caused a huge change in my life and forced me to try to be as protective as possible…but finding the right way to do that was very difficult and required some leaps of faith 🙂
I wish you the best of luck in finding a career that is more uplifting to you as an INFJ! I completely relate to not being your best self. I still struggle with a lot of stress and feel guilt about not being the best version of myself for my family. But continuing to learn each day and start over and regroup has been good. We’re doing the best we can! Thank you again for the kind words and for taking the time to read my article!
My grip stress used to be lash out. I’m INFJ and my love languages are physical touch and quality time. Which made physical and sexual abuse torture. My lashing out was being workaholic and angry outbursts. Then retreating and exercising
Now I take otc items for my moods. They seem to help
Good luck to you dear
Big hugs from me
Great article! Very helpful. Now that I understand better about the ‘grip stress’ I think it will be easier to handle. I had always wondered why I can snap like a twig, but when things calm down, I then have a different perspective. Thank you so much for sharing, I also relate to the abuse & CPTSD factors, which are challenging enough at times to deal with and then add on other stressors. With that being said, I think we all are pretty terrific. We are constantly trying to understand and improve our lives for ourselves and those we love. I am at a point in life where I do get alone time, which I love. So hang in there, it will happen one day ☺ P.S I will always listen to Heavy Metal music even when I am not stressed, lol
It has a name!! Grip stress. I had no idea it was a thing but today I find comfort in this article. The more I research INFJ the more I feel secure in who I am but it tends to stress me out when I know what environment I need to be in but can’t get it! I recently was forced to move from my comfy office with a door at work to an open cubicle space where I am constantly interrupted daily. No one can figure out why I suddenly became this other person but I have and it’s scary! I recently ate a box of Nutty Bars too…but this week moved to Oreos. Haha And Linkin Park has always been my go to drive fast and reckless music of choice. But I really do feel less crazy reading this. Thank you!
Thank you so much! I feel like you have EXACTLY identified my stressors, as though you were sitting next to me and watching me all day. I work from home in a home office (although I work for a company), and I like it that way. I get to control the environment completely, which usually means it is quiet and organized. My husband, who has a home office in a separate building, will sometimes want to walk through my office to get to the house versus going through the sun room. I have felt like such a jerk, but I get really upset when he comes through my office. I find the interruptions frustrating and like he’s invading my space. He’s an ENFP who wants to say Hi, but often I don’t want to interact until I’m through with my work.
As far as multi-tasking goes, I’m not sure I find it stressful so much as I find it impossible. Actually, I should take that back. There are times when I’ve been in the car and on a conference call. But often when I drive I have absolutely nothing else going on — no music, no calls, nothing. Is that weird or just INFJ-ish?
I don’t suppose you could share a tip or two on how to snap out of this? When I find myself in situ it can take a really really long time to get out of it.
Let me elaborate… As soon as class is done I will do whatever I can to not have anything to do with/deal with coursework. I music and eat and binge-read and weed and hot baths and sleep. And this behaviour easily goes on for weeks till am no longer so frustrated (I find a repetitive pattern is impatience with myself because there’s sooooo much I want to do, that it feels like I never get anything done. Which is a total lie. I get more done than any other student I know [please don’t take this the wrong way, I am not bragging, it’s just something that has been pointed out to me before when I complain about this feeling of not getting anything done, and after some stepping back and looking at things properly, I indeed found this to be true]) and impulsive and can settle down and work properly again.
To make it worse, then the stress piles on you again because you have not been productive for so long.
I’m studying two degrees simultaneously so this high-stress environment is definitely my own fault.
But how do I manage this without indulging in such self-destructive behaviour?
–the only way I can think of is to be proactive about it.
Which means limits. I need to find some way to let off steam (it literally feels like this intense desire to Se and just be spontaneous builds up like a pressure cooker), and then shut it off immediately, rather than letting it go on and on and on. In other words, without falling into “The Grip”.
But honestly, “The Grip” is very very hard to snap out of because it’s so fantastically free. (being out of the grips of your own self imposed control over everything that you do) And in that moment, you really just don’t care about the future, you’re so caught up in the present it can take a very long present to let go of that feeling again.
Any tips would be most most most appreciated.
P.s. Apologies if that was too long
Thank you thank you THANK YOU! I have 4 kids as well, my youngest is now 5 and I have spent the majority of the time as s parent feeling overwhelmed also feeling extremely guilty. Mainly because I had the same thoughts as you describe in your article. I just needed quiet and consistency, but I thought that need meant something was wrong with me not just innate to my makeup. I would constantly compare myself to my extroverted mother and sister and their ability to multitask, energetically entertain children and do it all 12 hrs a day! Which just added to my sense of failure. I have since given myself a break and since I’ve learned a lot about myself I know better how to self care. However, I still go crazy pretty often, though now I know I’m in GRIP stress mode, and I can deal with it in all areas of my life. I love how you have articulated what’s going on inside of us as we are trying to cope with this extreme stress and what gets us there in the first place. Thank you for providing a little window into a struggle that I can now address more healthily!
God bless you!
I’m an INFJ in the middle of this grip stress right now, and I didn’t know WHAT was going on with me! My husband has a recent autism diagnosis and is going through, well, a lot. We have a 14 year old daughter. I’m trying to create a business from home because they don’t function well when I’m not here (she is also on the spectrum).
When I’m working and my husband asks me a question, it irritates me to no end. And I couldn’t figure out why. I love him so much. And I’m normally as patient and understanding as they come. And he asks very sweetly, “when you have a moment I need to ask you about something.” But then I can’t concentrate, get mad, and make him tell me then so I can get back to work.
Every once in awhile (like yesterday), I’ll do something like binge watch Sherlock episodes ALL DAY. I try to work while I do it but, not my highest quality work time. I used to binge eat but I can’t anymore (I had gastric bypass, because I too have ptsd and my binge eating to cope got me up over 500 pounds, but I’m much smaller now).
Thank you for sharing your life with us here. Reading this in the morning, I’m going to have a much better day. Thank you.
Thank you for this post. It mirrors my own life from abuse and PTSD to homeschooling 4 kids. I just had a mini pitty party over not having any family to watch my kids. It’s helpful to know we’re not alone or “crazy”. Thank you for your openess, and your bravery to share. It’s made me look at my own stress, see patterns, and maybe tone down the less healthy coping mechanism.
Hi, thanks so much for sharing! And I am so so sorry for all the horrid things that happened to you! I wish you healing, happiness and many blessings to make up
I am a fellow INFJ and since I discovered this, I came to better understand why I do what I do. I am still struggling with Extraverted Sensing taking over big time when I have close friends or family members or anyone really trample over my dearly loved values. I really do become a Hulk and it scares people to see me that way. It also scares me esp because I feel I cannot control it. I basically lash out at people. Then I regret it because I see what damage it does to relationships. It has been a vicious cycle that I am trying to fix.. when I feel people have hurt me or infuriated me somehow, I feel such an urge to express the pressure that’s being built inside of me and the only way to do that effectively is usually to discuss the issue. I almost feel like I don’t know what I am thinking until I talk about it. By talking I often find the solutions myself.
Also, I am a mother as well. My son is 4 and I have struggled with parenting since he was a baby. Having someone depend on me 24/7 and not letting me sleep at night was beyond crazy for me. I was constantly angry with everyone. He is an ENTJ and things are better now that he is more independent but now we clash on other things – our J mostly hahaha. We both like control. One thing that scares me actually is the fact that when I am under the grip of stress, it does not matter if I love someone. I almost forget my love for them as I can be so utterly cold and cutting and totally lose my perspective of how this can impact the future. When I am under the grip of stress, I am literally ready to disown my son, separate from my hubby, completely cut people off and move on my own island. I tend to be pretty prone to extremes like that sometimes. Can you relate at all?
Thank you so much for sharing.
Im just beginning to realise under how much stress or how often I seem to be in so much stress, it’s a bit overwhelming. Until now I kind of felt like oh okay so this extreme again (eating disorder or just impulsive reactions which I regret every single time) … it’s getting better. I’m getting better. The more I read about infj in general the more I understand.
So with you sharing you gave me a next, important piece of the puzzle that is me.
Thank you so much for that! 🙂
All the best, Annie
I’m so glad this was able to help you!! I also hope your stress load gets more manageable, I know how hard it is to be stuck in the grip and desperately want to get out of it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Completely relate to this! Looking back at my teens and 20s I did this several times.. I had a breakdown at 30 and since have been hyper aware of my needs as an infj. I am very fortunate that my soon to be husband acknowledges my need to be alone etc. And helps me get it!
I apparently do enjoy multitasking though.. perhaps coz I’m good at it…?
It is so exhausting to conform to our society’s extroverted way of life. I often feel that my introversion is a flaw that must be fixed. I feel very isolated, but then I come across something like this and I feel like a stranger looked into my mind and wrote what they saw. I crave privacy, but feel isolated so I seek out other introverts to not feel alone, but then I read a synopsis of me written by a stranger and then feel uncomfortable because someone knows things about me that I cant even put into words. The introvert dilemma!!!
If blasting podcasts 24/7 to try and signal jam my brain and eating sugary foods to stuff down my emotions during the worst points of my abusive marriage count, then yup. Relatable. When I left him 30lbs melted away from not constantly eating. The emotions were overwhelming for months. But worlds better than the numbness that proceeded it.
Dear, I can relate to this very well. Thank you for posting this article. I’m under the grip right now. I’ve been binge eating like crazy, I suppose I will start using my Se to feel positive thing around me. I’ll meditate now.
Just found out that my dh of almost 30 years is/has been cheating. He’s a divorce lawyer and knows all the “tricks.” When I worked for him many years ago, I remember overhearing his advice to clients from time to time: “Deny, Deny, Deny!”
Naturally that’s what he’s doing.
I am trying so hard to keep this about myself and my needs without sinking into anger, fear and shock. I keep telling myself that he’s doing this to himself and in the end, it’s he who has to live with it.
I made an appointment with my old therapist and I’m giving myself time to decide how I want to handle this.
I really appreciated this post. My heart goes out to the child you were. I grew up in great dysfunction, tragedy and trauma. I had to be an adult long before I was ready, so I understand some of what you’re dealing with.
Needless to say, I hope that you have given yourself the gift of therapy for the extreme trauma that you suffered. It seems like these kind of painful experiences open one up to be compassionate and understanding of the pain of others. This certainly comes through in your writing.
Twelve step programs like Adult Children of Alcoholics (doesn’t need to be alcohol, any kind of dysfunction,) and Codependents Anonymous have helped me greatly in getting some perspective. I don’t use them any more but knowing they are there helps enormously.
Thank you for this. As an INFJ mom of 4 little kids who is in her hardest semester of nursing school all of this resonates. It is nice to know, when I’m feeling guilty for being upset and exhausted about the noise, chaos, clutter and the endless things to remember to do, that I’m not crazy. Thanks for sharing part of your story with us.
I can relate to everyone who has contributed to this beautifully written insight. Thank you for everyone’s candidness and for helping me see that I am not alone. I wish you all the happiness you deserve, fellow INFJ’s.
I know this was posted a year ago…and I felt part way through that I may have read it before. Perhaps I even commented before….I don’t know! I’m an INFJ well acquainted with grip stress with 3 kids and an ESTP shadow that is so weird to handle alongside being married to my ESTP husband. Oh yeah…and I’m currently weaning myself off sugar, dairy and grains due to some hardcore stomach problems…and their ain’t no way I’m binge eating kale…
Thank you for this. Seriously, thank you. You know infj people love it when someone is able to be vulnerable with them. Your post was insanely helpful to me and made me feel normal. Keep writing!
Hi~ old post I know BUT I read your story and I am so, so sorry for what you have been through. I hope you are in a better place now. Your article helped me, an INFJ, learn more about myself… and that’s beautiful and amazing!! I hope you know that at least, this one soul on Earth loves and cares about you. You are really strong and I admire you. <3
Thank you so much!! I’m really glad you were helped by this article, that was my goal in writing it. I know there are other people out there like me and want to be able to find solidarity with them. Thank you so much. <3
Thank you so much for writing this. I have two little ones and have been having thoughts that maybe I’m not cut out for this motherhood thing. Constantly feeling like my brain is “on” 24/7 has been draining. So thank you for helping me feel a little less crazy and making me aware of what’s really going on.
Wow. You’re article really hits home with me. I relate to absolutely all of your words. Best wishes and thank you for sharing! I like that you gave personal examples of what your impulsivity looks like. It helps to see the examples. I’m guilty too. I even accidentally set a pasture on fire once while in the grip. My husband was so sweet about it and put out the fire. He knew that behavior was not like me and that I had some intense and chronic stress happening. He’s ISTJ and is so patient with my crazy moments lol
Thank you for this, so very much. As a former homeschooler and also a food addict, I relate to so much of what you said here. Getting into recovery has really helped me to dial back the stress grip and start to see the wonderful parts of being an INFJ. And it IS wonderful, so wonderful to have this greater self-compassion and self-knowledge!
Hey Susan,
A big thank you for your openness and the time and energy you have spent in researching and understanding such a valuable topic.
Many years back i struggled with alcohol abuse. I have spent countless hours looking at addiction and related behaviour to determine the cause of my behaviours.
Recently, I’ve become extremely interested in personalities, interaction between people and the psychology behind such interactions.
Your article has allowed me to obtain an additional level of clarity and provided insight that has derived situational motive behind my actions and highlighted the importance of being aware of my functions.
Can’t say thanks enough, kudos on your journey and remember, enjoy the process.
Woah.
I couldn’t figure out why I’m impulsively eating apple turnovers until I read this!
I too am a victim of csa and later abusive relationships. And INFJ no matter how many times I’ve done the MB testing to make double sure I’m an alien from a time traveling planet where people used to not have to wear feet torture devices aka shoes.
I used to be an adrenaline junkie then a binge drinker and always going back and forth between starving and binging. Never thought about it being my least dominant function taking over! I’ve always been thin so most people encouraged the binging habits and didn’t notice the starving…or almost rudely assumed it to be so.
And now that I’m a mother who works full time from home the stress I’ve been under with work and teething and a hubby with crazy hours has led me to binging on the turnovers. Not to mention the childhood abuse I am finally processing rather than escaping myself when the memories surface.
(Smh). I buy boxes of four of them and I can’t stop! I’ve gained 5 pounds in the last three weeks. Maybe I took on too much therapy at once.
I also have an ISTP husband so now I plan on low-key stalking your blog because someone out there works with the same set of cards I do. I don’t feel so alone!
And my baby boy saved my life, too. He gave me the grit to remove all of my abusers from my life. I will protect him at all cost.
There is a nature trail outside my house and I have found myself wandering out there almost every day during this stress….it’s a good thing I’m petite and sort of cute because I may or may not go out there to cry on park benches…And I get away with it because most people assume I’m half my age and crying about a teenage love afair….I guess my apple turnovers are the mom version of being a college alcoholic when I couldn’t deal with my life and my abusers.
The apple turnover thing started during a two week spell of storms….when I was trapped in the house with a screaming child 24/7.
Makes so much sense. And I too have envisioned driving away with all the turnovers and leaving dh and the baby at home while I go sit by the ocean. I felt horrible for enjoying the mental picture hahaha!
I’ve never found anything to calm me like the ocean. I tell my husband if i ever have a mental breakdown from having to process my abuse….get me to the ocean, wait for me in the hotel with a warm towel and I’ll return.
Sorry for rambling…just had to add that being a wahm I didn’t realize how lonely I would get for deep connection. When I worked from home before I became a mom I could easily travel to see my jewels…my other deep and introverted friends. The moms in my neighborhood seem to be after very shallow extroverted attachments and I am left feeling so alone. I know it’s a season and I wouldn’t trade it for the world….I was simply unprepared for this lack of a tribe thing. Not to mention due to deaths and abuse – we are the only three in our family! So I’ve had my fair share of outbursts over everyone else having so much help from family.
I’ll probably beat myself up over (over?)sharing so much on the www – but I’m enthralled by reading someone’s situation that so closely parallels mine I feel like the space tower finally spoke back. LOL. All these alien analogies and I severely dislike sci-fi.
Hope my semi-humor is translatable.
Thank you for writing this!!
Thank you so much for this. I have small kids and I am desperate for some way to cope with the constant, constant noise. I don’t feel like myself at all, even though I have tried to destress with exercise. Other moms don’t understand when I tell them that I sometimes get to the point where even quiet sounds make me feel physically ill because im so overloaded from all the noise my kids make. Thank you so much. I just really needed to know it wasn’t just me!
Oh my. Yes. I don’t want to get into the nitty gritty of my past, but when I was in my early 20s, I went through this. For me, it was drinking, drugs and sex. I slept with nearly 30 men in just a couple years. I was impulsive and selfish. I was a mess. I had to move across the country to start over.
That’s not an excuse for my behavior at all. I just hated myself and didn’t care. Looking back on that time, I realize I was essentially dead. I had no feelings or emotions coming through. I was just like a zombie. It’s weird to me now because then I was SO unaware of my own self.
I am so thankful for recovery and that life is good now. I can’t really explain this to the people I hurt back then, and I do feel bad about that sometimes. But I have to forgive myself and realize I am not the same person I was then and that I know myself better now. Who I have become would never do that!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! You’re right, you do have to forgive yourself and move on. We all make so many mistakes and have parts of our lives we regret, but those times also produce so much growth and learning and empathy in the end! I know I regret SO many things I did in my younger years, but going through it allows me to understand other people who are also struggling with the same things. It keeps me humble. I’m sorry you had to go through those hard times, though…it can take quite a toll on you. Thank you for your openness and sharing, it’s really nice to know that this article can help, even if it’s in a small way.
Thank you for your openness! I’m only 15 and am not even close to having experienced as much as you have but still I saw myself in every line of this article. My way of using Se in a very unhealthy way is binge eating and texting every bad thought I ever had in capital letters to my friend or I burst out and shout at my family to just leave me the f*ck alone. Tho I’ve noticed that I also have a kind of healthy way of dealing with Se. When I’m at practice or in PE class and I’m having a bad day, I siply do my best at sports. I run in fromt of every one else, do 40 push ups in a row etc. I’ll try using my Se in a better way and meditate a bit more. Thank you so so so much for this post, it helped me and gave me hope, you deserve the world. Your babies are so lucky to have a mama like you.
Hi there! Sorry I’m so late in responding to your comment, for some reason I didn’t see it until now! I think it’s definitely hard when you mix the teenage years, which are so full of pressures and change, with inferior Se, there are bound to be some major stressors and Se-outbursts! I remember having them myself! I’m glad you’ve found some healthy outlets, like exercise and meditation, those are EXCELLENT ways to relieve stress! I’m really really glad you enjoyed the article, and thank you for your encouragement 🙂
Hi !
Very sorry to hear about history of beeing abused. Life can be so cruel. So I’m also glad to hear that things have changed for you. But Your person are not uninterresting at all! There will allways be people who finds you splendid! I’ve got a friend who is infj as you. She has been under strong pressure some years now and I recognise some of these Se behaviour in her. I do see your point here. She’s spending a lot of money and it seems like she just can’t wait to do it. I think it’s crazy to spend money on luxurious things when she is an unemployed divorcee…She will soon have some money and she already planned to spend them on a house even if the prices here are very high now and are very much expected to fall in a near future. And she has no job either. I try to tell her to wait and see. If she wait she may get it to half or two-third of the prices that are now… I’m an infp myself so my desperation if I got one takes another direction, more like the desperate seeking for personal approval and appraciation. We all have our differences …even an isfj will have their inballance with to much working. And the istj will get stuck in the decision between the best quality/most economical option. I wish you all the best for the future!
Wow I could have written most of this myself. INFJ married to an ISTP. A few children sprinkled in there and I’m often in the grip. Thank you for the examples of Se behavior. I haven’t really been able to put the actions with their functions yet. I see so much of myself here. You’ve offered so much insight. Thank you.
This is so spot on. I’m an INFJ with four kids (I’m 27, got married and started young) and with my youngest being 3 months old and oldest 7yo I’m in grip stress a lot and binge tv shows and feel paralyzed to all the home upkeeping tasks (I wish I was one of the ones who enjoyed stress cleaning hahaha). I also get weirdly obsessive with taking and editing lots of Instagram pictures as a way to do something creative for myself when the only time I have is while rocking or nursing the baby and the rest is spent cooking and caring for all the other kids. It’s been nice to read about how INFJs handle stress and realize I’m not insane lol. Thank you for sharing!
Another great post. I’m very inspired by your willingness to be open and your great skills in writing so beautifully.
I recognise the impulsivity under stress for sure. Years ago, in work situations I have sometimes taken on one promotion too many and unable to cope with the pressure have acted very impulsively and bolted. At those times I felt panicky, that I had to escape the stress, with no ability to wait and think things through.
I can also suddenly have an outburst with a family member, getting cross with them over the same thing I’ve ignored or tolerated for years. It must be quite a shock for them. I see a lot of the Self preservation Type 4 Enneagram personality (described in Beatrice Chestnut’s book ‘The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge’ in the INFJ and I have come to see patterns different enneagram patterns that overlay the INFJ patterns – endlessly fascinating 🙂 The main theme of SP4 for example is ‘Striving’ and this theme seems to run though INFJs. Striving to be good, get along, work hard, help others etc
Ultimately all my inner work has led me to feel that the deepest hurt of the Type 4 (and possibly the INFJ is our separation anxiety from our mother figure. I get on really well with my mum and wouldn’t have imagined my wounds related to her but much contemplation and healing has revealed that my heartbreak at ‘loosing her’ at a young age (not literally but when my younger brother was born) was actually very traumatic. Sadly. children are not guided in how to relate to their hurt feelings. My father wasn’t there for me and I feel that I was also wounded by him. Perhaps INFJs are wounded by both parents and this makes us different in that most people are probably more wounded by one or the other. Just my musings 🙂
My feeling is that we learned to hide our pain and project it out onto others who were hurt or potentially hurt/lonely. I befriended a few loners in school for example. I believe as adults we continue ignoring our own feelings, instead focusing on others. It seems that Fe is largely about being able to express ourselves, cleanly and healthily. Otherwise, we supress our feelings to maintain harmony but sometimes they burst through. I’ve been practicing Radical Honesty recently, in my own mind quite often before I’m ready to do that with others and it feels good.
I think the thing we didn’t do when we were young is BLAME others – I didn’t anyway. Instead I focused on self-improvement. There must be something inherently wrong with me I need to fix. My brother is also a Type 4 but very different to me due to our dominant instinct being different. He does blame. Everything is my parents fault – even though they were basically good parents. It’s this supressing of blame in favour of harmony that I feel is a big part of what we INFJs need to get in touch with. We need to realise that there isn’t anything wrong with us and also be prepared to be more assertive. As I’ve become more confident and expressed myself in ways which I previously worried would hurt someones feelings, I’ve realised most people are far tougher than I am, they don’t crumble and I feel a whole lot better!
I’ve been trapped by grip stress for years now. I’ve become impulsive and I’ve had so many out bursts now that it’s become the norm. I’ve spent so much time analyzing my life and what I can do to overcome my issues but always seem to come up blank. I’ve become so lost in my own mess that every time I think of a way out it slams in my face. It all started when I had my son. He’s now 4 and seriously the best child I could have asked for. Being with him actually lowers my stress levels usually. However, my relationship with my husband went from bad to worse and I feel like I cannot rely on him for anything. We can’t talk. We don’t have that same connection we used to. He’s become my main source of stress over the last few years and I don’t know what to do. I weigh the pros and cons of leaving him almost everyday as at this point it’s all I can think about to end my stress cycle. But would it really make anything better?
I like stared at the screen when I saw your husband was an ISTP because so is mine! It’s been weird having two introverts in one house and usually I feel like I have to act like an impulsive extrovert to get some excitement in our lives to sort of balance things out. I’d be curious to know how you and your husband work that out if you feel like you have to act like an extrovert sometimes? I so relate to your outburst and your husband looking at you like you’re having a seizure. I have so done stuff like that and my husband is like what?? I feel awful about it but it’s like blowing off the lid of a bottle that’s building up in pressure. I wish I knew of a healthier way to blow off. I get so self absorbed and can’t think about anyone elses feelings. I have over eating, over watching, over sleeping, excessive game playing tendencies as a result of stress. What is the cure for this? I don’t handle stress well at all and I appreciate you explaining about INFJs wanting sensory overload and just living in the present. That makes sense to me but I would like to learn how to overcome it.
Yes. Several times in my life I have experienced grip stress. I feel like I am CONSTANTLY trying to understand myself. I’m 39 now and have been through enough that I PRETTY much know how I will react in most situations. Since I have had children I have avoided most of my old risky behaviors. I have a bad habit of breaking my own rules.
Whenever these kind of situations occured, I will always think “What life is trying to tell me?”
I think there’s a lot of thing to learn here. And I think getting through our inferior Se is also a journey of functions development, too.
Even I am a male INFJ, though.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Being a mother is the best thing to happen to me and also the most stressful. Living in a world of SJ perfection on social media only makes it worse when I see how “easy” it can seem for so many other moms. Now it’s just a matter of figuring out how to work through these Se impulses and lose some weight… again!
This really opened my eyes. I am a 19 year old INFJ and have experienced all the symptoms of severe stress and I can relate to how we lash out. Thank you for sharing this!
I’m really glad you enjoyed it! Thank you for your feedback, and I hope your stress reduces over time – definitely make time for peace, quiet, and reflection 🙂
It’s a revelation for me. I had been wondering for years now about why I stopped working hard suddenly and lost my focus, when I was at the peak of my life after my father died. I almost gave in to all the sensory pleasures and lost the power to envision the future which obviously had deleterious effects on my future goals.
No wonder I have benders!! I’m a single mom pretty much perpetually in the grip. By the time it’s my son’s weekend with his dad, every other weekend, I’ve lost my lid multiple times over random, possibly minor, things. My son doesn’t know why I get upset sometimes and to me, it’s clear as day. As a result I go into overdrive and seek food, alcohol, caffeine, Netflix’s series, whatever it is, in order to satisfy this urge…but sadly it never works. It was great finding this article totally know why I do this and now hopefully, I can find a way to better deal with my high level of stress in a more healthy way.
Oh my God thank you so much for this! It is just what I needed. When I get stressed and it is often I retreat and binge watch tv shows for days sometimes. I knew it wasn’t healthy and it was a way to cope but I didn’t quite understand why it was so hard to stop and also why I couldn’t do more healthy things like yoga, listening to a good song and singing to it or cleaning or going out in nature. Now that I understand I can maybe just really embrace the sensing thing instead of feeling the urge to retreat and blast a screen at me for so long.
Thank you sooo much for sharing, for understanding, for going through thisans for being you!
Also because of you I understand a little better how I could avoid stress.
You are amazing!
Susan would you write an article on “When INFJ’s loop”, like you did for the INTJ?
I’m an INTJ, and I’m curious how Ti presents differently than Fi in an INTJ, when a loop is present.
Thank you for your time. 🙂
I’m definitely adding this to my list of articles to write 🙂 Thank you!
The list at the top said it all. I just walked away from a job I actually liked because of a lazy, rude, stupid boss who had no qualms about overloading me, forcing me to multitask, and then interrupting me for trivial reasons. He was loud, a sycophant, and a liar. I stood it for 2 months, getting deeper in the grip every day. Thank God I left before I did permanent damage to myself.
Thanks! This article helps a lot understanding what’s going on …
I’m really glad you enjoyed it!
I’m so sorry reading about what happened to you years ago. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! It’s okay now, it’s helped me to be more empathetic to others today 🙂
Susan, I loved reading this article. It made me at times very sad, and at other times I was laughing out loud (and probably annoying fellow train passengers). Thank you for sharing your experiences and tips on managing stress.
Love from fellow INFJ,
Maria
Thanks so much Maria! I really appreciate your encouragement and kind words. Also glad I could make you laugh!! <3
Hi Susan, fabulous article really enjoy your writing style. It’s really helped me understand why I overeat – and now I have that understanding, I feel I have an opportunity to do something different.
Thank you Vanessa! I’m really glad that you enjoyed the article and that it helped! I wish you the best of luck!! 🙂
Thank you for this article! You made me understand why I did ‘the things’ that I’ve done to myself months ago. I freaked out with my ownself because I didnt know what was going on with me. The worst thing was I didnt know how to seek for help because I didnt know how to explain about it myself. There’s a lot of I didnt know going on back then -my bad.
But everything is ok now, more or less.
Thanks again and I wish the best for you and your family 🙂
Thank you for your kind response! I’m really glad this article was helpful and I’m glad that things are better now – even if only a little bit. I hope life continues to improve!
I went through something like you described about 20 years ago and I had no idea it was INFJ “Grip” Stress. I’m so very thankful I came through it relatively unscathed, and I’m happy to have it identified because looking back on it I have always thought of it as my period of temporary insanity. What you described pretty much nails it for me. So, thank you for being so transparent and sharing this so that those of us who’ve experienced it can understand what happened.
This has put into words the exact reason I do some of the things I do and I couldn’t be more thankful than I am right now to have read this article. It resonates with me so well! Thank you
This article was great! I wasn’t aware how big of a role Se was playing in my stressed out life haha. I’ve definitely been in the “grip” stress (should’ve seen me 2 days ago). It’s manifested as starving, insomnia, and binge watching tv shows. Sometimes, it’s obsessive cleaning or reorganizing, but that’s the only one that actually made me feel good afterwards. The guilt that comes with all the other ones just add to the stress! Thank you for sharing, and for some ideas on how to better channel this inferior Se. I used to meditate daily, I should probably get into that again!
Thank you for this article! I can feel I’m in an extreme stress these days, which then I realize it’s grip stress after reading your article. Though it wasn’t as miserable as your past experience (I really feel bad for you) but the cognitive functions working is the same. I’ve also been using a lot of Se to distract myself. I’ll try to follow your advice. I love your article! Thanks for sharing your story and wish your life will be better. ????
Dear Susan.
Your article has helped me to begin to understand what is wrong with me. I had a very traumatic childhood and was sexually assaulted as a child. Currently im doing a highly stressful work. I cant get out of this stress grip. Its numbing me. Im on tons of meds for conditions ranging from anxiety, depression, ocd, add, insomnia. Ni Ti loop also?? I think my current situation is overwhelming me so much i just cant take it anymore. I know by reading your article that balancing out all my functions is going to be the answer. How do i help myself if you are so far down the rabbithole?
Hey Susan!
Thank you so much for this piece of knowledge. I can relate to falling into my extraverted sensing causing me to get high in depression and commit to sexual act with someone unknown to me in the moment when I learned that my ex was marrying another woman. This activity cost me my freedom. The individual who I committed sexual act with threaten me with telling my loved ones of my actions and forced me to marry him. It was an abusive relationship. I no longer live with him. Understanding why I did what I did was tormenting me. You gave me some clarity with this article.
“This is Supposed to be Encouraging?
Perhaps not. This might just make you feel worse. You can totally skip reading my book now, because it probably seems like I don’t know anything about managing stress.”
No no, this is great. This article makes me trust you. Clearly you actually have experience with being constantly & highly stressed, which is kind of an important prerequisite for giving insight to others who are constantly & highly stressed. I don’t really trust people who don’t sound messy. You sound real.
Hi Susan,
I just want to thank you for years of insight. I have been following your blog, and reading your books for years. I also refer clients to it all the time! Thank you for your depth of sharing with this article, and having the guts to survive! What a strong, courageous person you are! I am a fellow INFJ and resonate with your writings here. I believe many of our traits make it so hard for us to challenge abuse at the time, yet the depth of insight can really help us heal. I am so proud of you that you have come through so much adversity to bring these lovely human beings- and still have time change the planet! You are a force, and a talented, amazing writer! Thank you for making the time to do all this… know it has made a big difference to me and to so many. Keep writing… This world needs you!
Love and heartfelt thanks,
Pat
Thank you for your insights and sharing your experience.
I recently tested as an INFJ and it just makes sense. My ‘situation’ makes more sense to me now. I’ve been bullied, ignored and mocked by my peers, “friends”, exes, and even my family all my life. I’ve always felt alone and misunderstood. I found my salvation in eating.
Eating was/is my safe place where I could stay into the bubble of my fantasies that I will be understood someday and everybody wants to be friends with me. I started overeating and became fat as soon I felt that a happy (or at least normal) future became an impossible option. I was burnt out by my public mask, insecurities and the constant feeling of not understanding my emotions and feelings.. It is sort of comforting to read that I am not the only person and this situation won’t last forever. So thank you for sharing.
As others have said — thank you for this article. I have CPTSD and am in recovery from alcohol. My shadow side reared it’s head far more than I’d like to admit and knowing what it was is super helpful.
Thank you for your article. Now I don’t feel so weird or crazy.
Having 3 children in one year with my husband overseas nearly broke me! I did go insane and did things I still cannot totally bring myself to believe. Thanks for your candor and total honesty! Great article.
This helped me understand myself a bit better, thank you. It’s been extremely difficult managing the stress of taking care of my husband, who is chronically ill, our children, pets and work FT. I’m flexible, but wow does interrupting me throw me off. I have been doing a little bit of everything you mentioned – falling to the the extraverted sensing ways – I know I prefer everything in moderation but right now, it feels every decision is ‘all’ … or ‘nothing’. Food is a hard one. Feeling hungry feels good – until I realize I can’t concentrate, my mood is shit, and I’m kind of being an asshole. Time to eat. I’ll get through it though. I love myself and have faith that this too shall pass. After 170+ continuous days of this, I’m learning how to curb my drastic ways. I am, however, really looking forward to being my balanced self again one day.
I realise that writing this was not an easy thing for you but *thank you*. Having only discovered Pinterest last weekend I have been reading everything I can about infj’s and reading this today has really helped me not feel like a freak/alien/failure. I am currently going through grip stress related to PTSD and even just acknowledging that has made me feel like I’m not carrying the weight of the world. Thank you for your courage and honesty.
Oh wow… I don’t feel completely insane now. I’ve been typed as an INFP and and INFJ. I can seriously relate to both, but this… this makes me believe I may truly be an INFJ type.
I also had sexual abuse growing up, and think there was PTSD from that. I’m in the midst of trying to dig myself out of my “grip” and to find better ways to use Fe.
Pretty sure “truth is stranger than fiction” is appropriate for my craziness during this grip. I’ve never been this stressed before in my life. Been married for 9 years, I have a 4 year old, miscarried, and a 2 year old. Hormones plus stresses of living with extraverted, controlling mil, hubby, and ambivalent fil (unless he got worked up), and crap hit the fan in my household. I have never been so low and broken down. Man, we should talk, privately. Lol I think I found someone who can maybe understand my crazy for the first time in my life.
Yes to everything! I too suffer from PTSD. As a child I was molested. Since I couldn’t speak up, I internalized everything and became very rebellious. This went all the way up to my late teens and included me missing about 20 something days of school during junior year because I just stopped caring. The only thing that saved me was that my grades never suffered. When I finally got the courage to speak up about it my mother didn’t believe me at first, she questioned me about it. When she had substantial proof, she made us both apologize to her and proceeded to make plans for us to move to another state with this man. Thank God those plans never came to be. Because if all that, that had happened. I completely lost interest in mom future and became a total mess. I lacked any confidence and hated myself. The social anxiety was really bad and so I never finished college. But I remain soft spoken and ridden with anxiety always internalizing everything and living my hell being inside myself.
Now I’m a mother and that’s my new stress. I don’t get a moment alone ever. The stress is so bad that I no longer internalizing anything and my hell lives outside me. I’ve even developed high blood pressure
and gained so much weight (yay me!). I am a mess. I lash out, am super impulsive, sleep too much or not at all and have become extremely controlling trying to ‘fix’ what is wrong but only making it worse. I either clean obsessively or let it pile up for a few days and just mope around and have lost all meaning. It’s like I’m on autopilot and the only times I feel like I’m real and still here is when I do things to the extreme. When I can’t anymore and feel I am about to break, I go to the backyard and cry it out until my kids finally find me and I have to suck it up and pretend everything is ok. I am not who I used to be and I hate it. Recently, I’ve picked up journaling again in hopes that it will get something started. Maybe a few more small steps in the right direction. ????!!!
Oh No. I don’t really know what to say that Kim, or even if I’m qualified to say anything at all because I have never experienced anything as terrible as you’ve described. But I can relate to one thing you said-that feeling of wanting to fix everything-and something that helped me get past that, was acknowledging that the world outside my head was never, is not, and will never be perfect. So I sort of try to just keep moving forward with whatever I’m doing especially when I start to overthink and want to perfect whatever I’m doing. I find that I learn a bit more when I ‘mess up’ and sometimes end up at a conclusion better than what I could’ve imagined at first. It’s a reccuring struggle but it really helps when I just move forward.
I hope that some time soon you will find yourself in a better place Kim, mentally and emotionally and if you read this it helped in some way 🙂
Thank you so so much for such a courageous, truthful and clear perspective of INFJ grip stress. I’ve never heard of it before but resonate with SO much of what you say and have done so many of the things you mention in response to extreme stress but it NEVER occurred to me that my use of heavy metal music was part of my INFJ personality!
I now feel all inspired to be even more clear with the things that are non-negotiables in my life (and the things that are just a tad wishful thinking!)
Having read your posts for a while now, I somehow just found the Guide to the INFJ’s Cognitive Functions and then clicked on the link within that post to the “Grip Stress” definition. I have the strange sensation that I’ve been living through cycles of grip stress reactions since I was about 16. I just turned 40. The details change somewhat, but the indulgence, irritability, intemperance, and obsession with the external environment show up every single time. Thank you for this article and for the cognitive function guide. I think I now understand those cycles of when I don’t recognise myself and may even have an idea on how to get out of this latest one I’ve been in. I also wanted to thank you for your sharing of your personal story. I too have my own abuse story, we all do in one way or another I think. Reading yours gives me courage, perhaps to tell mine one day. And on a mom note, I only have one and I freak out about alone time and not having enough help. Good luck with your tribe and please keep writing.
Agreed thank you for writing
A simply beautiful story. I understand myself a little better after reading it. I truly appreciate reading it and truly appreciate you. Thank you truly. I wish nothing but the best for you and those around you. Thank you, truly.
Amazing and encouraging!
My wife is an INFJ with a similar past to yours. I am an ISTP like your husband. After getting laid off a few years ago I started my own business because I was tired of having my life subjected to the whims of a large corporation. We had to have my brother move in to help us with our mortgage. It wasn’t easy. Slowly we started getting some traction to the point that my brother could move out and we’d be making enough money to pay all of our bills and actually see a future. Then COVID hit.
My wife is in the midst of Grip stress and I am as well. I am trying to keep working and make money for bills. She complains that I don’t spend any time with her. At the same time when I do spend time with her it’s very short as we are both constantly stressed and need to be alone. She wants me around her at the same time she wants to be alone. I feel the same way. It is not healthy and we have no idea what to do.
I read both of your INFJ and ISTP blogs about stress and how we act while going through it. It’s spot on. We got into a very heated argument the other day about my brother still living at our house. She’s still angry while I just want peace. I can snap back to a level state rather quickly after an argument or heated disagreement. She can’t. She holds it. If I tried to get her to read this blog right now in order to help sooth things she would bite my head off.
INFJ here with C-PTSD and also a mother of five. Thank you for your articles. Very refreshing to find someone else experiencing the same things.
There’s definitely something about you that leads me to believe that you may be the only one I’ve ever encountered that can relate to me. I have been way out of my element for the last 4 years. Almost unbelievable. Stroke. Followed by mother‘s death. Followed by abuse by a psychopathic sibling. Followed by suicidal tendencies. No support. A nightmare.
i experience grip as feeling like all the songs i usually listen bore and frustrate me
i’ll eat a lot of snacks too
i don’t have a specific way of dealing with it (unless you count listening to loud aggressive music) because it’s never lasted more than a few days and i learned about cognitive functions pretty recently (i actually only was able to identify falling onto Se after reading this so thank you!)
Wow! You better get out of head. Seriously though, you could be me. I had some crazy trauma as a teen and totally dealt an an almost exact manner. I even took off hitchhiking for a few months. I am now married with four kids and as much as it can make me coconuts, they also keep me sane. I never knew there was an actual name for how I am, so I used to call myself an extroverted introvert. People assume I want to be interactive and involved without understanding the toll it takes on me. Great article!
Thank you so much. I needed to read this tonight. This explains many episodes in my life that I’ve been holding against myself.
Earlier tonight I was looking for my birth certificate or social security card to start my new job tomorrow. Found what I needed, but came across some triggering things.
I found my high school transcript from where I dropped out, pictures and genealogy of the abusive side of my family, and a picture of my happy son in preschool before his dad became emotionally abusive (he’s 27 and mostly back to his sunny self).
I know my abuse experiences and subsequent stress aren’t an excuse, but it’s a explanation.
I can’t believe you revealed all of that. You were definitely experiencing grip stress when you wrote this! That behavior is completely opposite of what an INFJ would normally do. It made me uncomfortable reading it because I am an INFJ and of course I put myself in your shoes as an extreme empath would do and couldn’t imagine myself opening up my private life to thousands of strangers. At the same time though stepping out and enjoying the depth of your sincerity in exposing something so personal and traumatizing in order to help others. Bravo! Very relatable. I am a mother of six and can manage the chaos mostly because of love but this last year and a half has definitely made me realize and be introduced to a whole new side of myself that I didn’t know existed. Grip stress is real, it means grip the wine glass, grip the pizza or whatever gives you pleasure in order to get a grip on something that is out of your control. There is also something else much better that has helped me get through those times. It has also helped millions of others. Would you like to know what it is?
Oh my Susan you just nailed it for me and l totally relate to your past and the challenges of Homeschooling and caring for 4 children. Just know that you are honoring the gifts of being a Good and Grounded Mother. We are all spiritual beings having a human experience and not human beings having a spiritual experience. Thank you for sharing your heart and what else really matters? We are called according to our purpose. We are all only passing through and can try to make difference and our efforts are never wasted even when they drain us every day .” Soli Deo Gloria.” J.S . Bach
I am a mother of 4 as well, one daughter and 3 boys. A house as busy as a train station, cause everyone likes visiting, and staying over at times, for long time I was cooking for 9 to 11 people every night! It gets overwhelming, so it is very comforting to know I’m not some weirdo losing it, when I’m going through stressful cycles like this. I get snappy and irritable, and feel like I don’t even know myself anymore! Normally I’m patient, slow to anger, long suffering, then it builds and build until I erupt. I don’t always get enough alone time, and after a while I feel like I’ve lost myself. My ultimate dream birthday gift is to book me away at some B&B, in beautiful peaceful nature surroundings, for at least 3 days, where I don’t have to do anything for anyone, but read, go for walks, eat sleep and think and think and process my thoughts again. Then I think, Estelle, it’s not all about you! Ha ha, I can’t win against myself. Wouldn’t change my family for the world though.
I love your articles or posts, find it so interesting to read about the personalities and analyze others when I have the time. It’s like people watching. Very entertaining 😁
Thank you for all of it, much appreciated
Estelle
Dear Susan what a brave woman you are, on so many fronts. I hope that cruel creature is spending the rest of his life in jail. Thank you for this very honest, personal and raw article which resonated in so many ways. It pretty well explains my whole INFJ life. I’m over 70 now and am going through a late life existential crisis wondering “What happened?” and “Where did it all go so horribly wrong?” Born with so many talents and potential into truly awful family circumstances, I think I’ve lived my whole life in grip stress without knowing it, or for that matter, even knowing such a thing existed. I salute you for the work you are doing and just want you to know how much you have helped this old lady. This article in particular has helped make sense of all those really bad decisions made to help me cope in the moment with zero thought for consequences. You’ve given me the key to understanding the coping methods, decisions and results of my life to date. So enlightening. Now is the time to release that past, come into my INFJ power and move into a more hopeful and productive future. What an amazing young woman you are. Thank you. Wishing you much love and happiness.
Hey Susan, no wonder I relate to and glean so much from your articles about being an INFJ. We have a lot in common! I was sexually abused as a child as well and pretty much spent the first twenty three years of my life in the hold of grip stress. My saving grace was when I married my husband at twenty (pure blessing that he was the one I fell into the arms of – and also an ISTP! Perhaps it’s more than a coincidence that two traumatized INFJ’s just needed that complete opposite of calm faithfulness in order the balance out), and he was 100% my anchor for the first few years of our marriage while I struggled through things. They were a tough few years. But I finally figured out it was ok to be me and say no to a lot of external things, thanks to his encouragement and example setting. I am such a healthier person now, and we have such a great marriage, which is so essential for while I am trying to figure out the whole “Mom of numerous small children who needs alone time” thing as well. It helps me so much understanding the grip stress I still am experiencing as a busy Mom, and it is giving me ideas for some solutions to the problem to try out. Anyways, thanks so much for sharing and I just wanted you to know how much I relate. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, but it’s so wonderful who you are now and all that you have been able to contribute to others regarding personality types!
I can relate so much! I am a mother too and finally found out that I am an INFJ. It makes so much sense and is so helpful! Even if I only have one child, I am surrounded by extroverts and have a too social work with too much emotional stress around me (as a teacher for teens).So I eat chocolate. Just like you wrote and I prefer chocolate with nuts too. Just knowing why helps me to find better solutions to handle my stress. I loved your book understanding the mystic and look forward to reading much more of your articles. I feel so grateful!
Why would you say ” “my” abuser “? It’s not that I’m suspecting your story is untrue but why “my” why would you say it like that?
What do you want her to say? “The abuser””Her abuser”(speaking of herself in third tense)….. everyone talking about abuse without naming the person says “my abuser”…..
Why shouldn’t she say it like that?
I don’t know what to comment other than Thank you. You’ve given me tools to add to my tool-belt. I feel understood which is a feeling super rare to come by. Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your wisdom and story.
It was really comforting to read this… I don’t know other people like me, so knowing that I’m not the only person who experiences life the way I do is overwhelmingly encouraging!
Thank you!
Thank you for articulating what I have experienced for 62 years! I remember my first ‘grip’ at the age of 4. I have had varying experiences that have pressed me to grip responses that I haven’t understood (eating little Debbie nutty bars has been one of my go-to’s for thirty five years! 😀).
Over the years, I have learned principles for my own physiology that usually circumvent the grip. In those times when it has caught me, I announce a one day or one weekend sabbatical to my ‘tribe’ – and retreat big time.
During my high school and college years, I overachieved so much that I realize i was way out of physiological balance. It would lead to illness. Now I guard that balance – and keep a stock of soothing food just in case 😊
I hope you know what an amazing mother and person you are. You deserve everything in the world.
Thank you so much!!!
I learned that I would go thru short periods of indulging, so I would ride it out and then get back on track with normal eating and drinking habits. As long as it was temp.
Hi, just so you know INFJs (me) are still finding this article late 2022 and still finding it incredibly helpful.
I’m normally incredibly structured and comprehensive in what I write, but I’m just rambling here, hope it helps somebody. Helps me, that’s for sure.
I was MBTI typed as INFJ and I identify most with 2w1 Enneagram. Many see me as a no.5 and you wrote something in one of your articles that helps me understand that can happen when you’re INFJ.
From 30s onwards spiritual life is everything, the abstract, hidden ‘reality’ underlying all that manifests is everything and the ‘world’ as such means less and less.
When I talk to people all I want to do is perceive (with everything I have) how I can help bring out what is in their heart to create then share the wisdom I have (much of it intuitive).
I feel utterly lost as to how to make my way in the world when I care about it less and less.
You’ve super helped me understand myself – I was in grip stress much of my 20s, at Uni wearing super colorful clothes, blasting out loud music and at one point after uni it was BDSM – just tryin’ to use my Se to transcend. That’s my grip stress response right there – using Se to transcend. I never saw it that clearly before.
When I have ‘lost’ my intuition (like now) I turn to SE for the transcendent function (connecting with/reaching the Divine, basically).
Thank you so much for helping me see this more clearly.
I just don’t connect or relate to normal life, at least I understand more why that is now.
Jason, I want to thank you for helping me put into words exactly the conundrum I’m facing in my life at the moment. Armed with this clarity, I can become aware of what’s misaligned for me when I fall into a pit of despair. I appreciate you articulating your thoughts. <3
"When I talk to people all I want to do is perceive (with everything I have) how I can help bring out what is in their heart to create then share the wisdom I have (much of it intuitive).
I feel utterly lost as to how to make my way in the world when I care about it less and less."
Hah! I loved Nine Inch Nails, too. I still listen to it as a way to cope with occasional depression (like if I’m feeling stuck in a job and hating everyone at work). Now I’m wondering if this is a more common thing than I thought—maybe many INFJs like NIN, too?
This helped clear some things up for me. Right now, It’s Starbucks Caramel Frappuccino Blended Beverage and mindlessly watching Youtubers react to reality tv. When I get into Se, I really deep dive and stay in that rut for a while. I feel mentally and physically drained. I hope to get out of this rut soon! My kiddos are both over 8 now. The baby stage was stressful, but I do miss it despite that chaos.
Susan, I really appreciate your article. I appreciate your utter honesty and sharing vulnerable thoughts and feelings. I’m also an INFJ. While I have a different background and different outer problems that I deal with – I so, so, so relate to the feelings and grip stress that you talk about here. It’s so valuable to me to read about your experience and the empowering perspective you hold. Thank you so much for writing this article!
Thanks for this article, you truly are amazing, strong and such an inspiring example! I’m a teen INTJ a bit inclined to F under those grips too, this helps me out a lot.
Usually I am very calm. When I was stressed out in college, I would go in the basement of my dorm, and dance to Led Zepplin. I take a lot of walks. However, if there is something I want to do and there is a significant road block (literally), I totally loose it – yelling and screaming. This happens about once a year. But it is not good.