The Childhood Struggles of ISFJs
ISFJs are some of the most devoted, generous people you will ever meet. They have an innate sense of empathy and conscientiousness that makes them great listeners and incredible friends. As children, many ISFJs are some of the easiest, more obedient children because they have a strong desire to please their parents and tend to naturally respect authority and rules. However, behind their sweet-natured charm and quiet thoughtfulness, ISFJs can struggle with feeling alone, unappreciated, and overwhelmed as children. They tend to be constant givers and can sometimes be taken advantage of or taken for granted. I want to talk about the most common struggles for ISFJ children, and what can be done to help them if you’re parenting one yourself!
Table of contents
Estimated reading time: 12 minutes
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ISFJ Children and Sensitivity to Emotions and Criticism
ISFJ children are very aware of the emotions and moods of other people. Because they have auxiliary Extraverted Feeling (Fe) they can quickly pick up on even the most subtle changes in people’s moods. They despise conflict and will feel intense fear and distress if they are in an environment that is charged with anger or if they are exposed to bullying in any way. They also are very sensitive to criticism, taking it very personally and often beating themselves up over even the most minor mistakes. Parents who are more blunt and tactless can unintentionally hurt their young ISFJs feelings when they provide correction or criticism. Acceptance and family harmony are both vital ingredients in the home for a young ISFJ.
Keep in mind that this sensitivity to emotions and the strong empathy that ISFJs have is a strength to be appreciated. ISFJs can be incredible counselors, teachers, humanitarians, and activists. Rumor has it, after all, that Mother Teresa was an ISFJ.
ISFJ Children and Shyness
ISFJs are notoriously shy, and have a hard time approaching new people or starting at a new school. MBTI experts Paul D. Tiger and Barbara Barron-Tieger say this about ISFJs:
“ISFJs typically need more acclimatization time than children of other types and may not feel comfortable trying something the first time it is introduced to them, nor are they comfortable venturing into social settings immediately, often preferring to hang back or watch from the security of their parents’ laps.”
Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger, Nurture by Nature
More extroverted parents should be careful that they don’t push their young ISFJ into heavy socialization or force them to venture out before they are ready. ISFJs desire to have the comfort of someone they know as they explore a new environment, and with a little help and encouragement, they will feel braver. Also keep in mind that ISFJs enjoy their time alone, and often prefer the company of just one or two close friends. Their social needs may be far different from extroverts’ social needs, and it’s important to understand that.
One thing that young ISFJs struggle with is a tendency to become embarrassed easily or cry easily. They are very private individuals, yet they care a lot about what others think of them. Jokes made at their expense, ridicule, or criticism is taken very hard by the young ISFJ. It’s important as a parent to try to give them plenty of encouragement and listen to them when they’ve had a negative experience, reassuring them of their value and worth.
ISFJ Children and Change
ISFJs like to know what to expect, and they love the comfort of home and the familiar. Because of their strong Introverted Sensing (Si) they have a fondness for things of the past, for memories, nostalgia, and reminiscing. They have a hard time moving to a new place, saying goodbye to an old home, to old friends, and venturing into a new environment can be extremely stressful for them. While intuitives are more future-oriented and open to change, and artisans (SP types) are more excited by change, ISFJs find change unsettling and stressful.
Paul D. Tiger and Barbara Barron-Tieger put it well in their book:
“Change can be particularly hard for school-aged ISFJs. They can freeze up in unpredictable situations or when quick changes are required. Many even say they actually hate change. Some ISFJs have such a high need for routine and structure that they can be uncooperative and resistant when others around them are adapting and enjoying themselves.”
Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger, Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child’s Personality Type and Become a Better Parent
Try to bring up changes gradually and with compassion as a parent of an ISFJ. Don’t expect them to just ‘roll with the punches’ as easily as some other types do. Try to prepare them, talk to them, give them time to adjust and come to terms with the change. If possible, give them lots of information about what to expect in a new situation and practical ways to be prepared. Try to remind them of how a new situation is similar to a past experience – ISFJs rely very much on their past experiences, and comparing the two can be comforting for them.
ISFJ Children and Overwhelming Emotions
Young ISFJs have a tendency to become overwhelmed by their profound emotions. They are very private individuals, but they have a very hard time hiding their emotions. They despise cruelty and injustice in the world, and can have very strong reactions to being hurt emotionally. They may cry, slam doors, kick walls, and even hold grudges for considerable lengths of time. Because ISFJs use Extraverted Feeling (Fe), they often have a hard time understanding and coping with their own emotions alone. While Introverted Feelers have a strong awareness of their own emotions, Extraverted Feelers have a strong awareness of others’ emotions. This makes it hard for ISFJs to sometimes manage their emotions as well as they want to. They may need to ‘vent’ or write out their feelings to understand them better.
If you’re a parent of an ISFJ, give them time to talk about their frustrations and feelings privately. It may take time for the ISFJ to truly open up about all their feelings, but they will appreciate your understanding and having someone who cares enough to listen. ISFJs are excellent listeners so they tend to hear a lot about other people’s problems, and have a harder time finding someone who will truly listen to and try to understand them in the same way.
ISFJ Children and Giving Too Much
ISFJs are extremely generous, devoted individuals. If you’ve ever read or watched Lord of the Rings, you probably remember a lovable character named Samwise Gamgee. He’s an excellent example of an ISFJ, and demonstrates how far they’re willing to go for those they love. There’s almost nothing they wouldn’t do to help out a friend or family member, and because of this, they can often be taken advantage of or be volunteered for too many responsibilities. Paired with this dilemma, they also have a hard time asking for help from anyone. They hate the idea of being a ‘burden’ and may go through life carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders because they are too eager to help, and simultaneously too determined to never ask for help.
Responsibility and following through on one’s word are both hallmarks of the ISFJ personality. However, sometimes they need a little help saying ‘no’ to people. They also need a parent to step in and notice when they’re getting overburdened, or taken advantage of. Teach them from an early age that it’s okay to say no to something they don’t want to do or don’t have time for. Try to help them and listen to them so that they can get a break from always being the listener, and always being the helper. Try to encourage them to find friends who give just as much as they receive, and who don’t prey on the young ISFJs kindness and generosity.
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What Do You Think?
Are you an ISFJ with any experiences or thoughts on these childhood struggles? Are you a parent of an ISFJ? I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments!
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Sources:
Nurture by Nature: Understand Your Child’s Personality Type – And Become a Better Parent
Gifts Differing: Understanding Personality Type
MBTI Manual: A Guide to the Development and Use of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, 3rd Edition
My True Type: Clarifying Your Personality Type, Preferences & Functions
Neuroscience of Personality: Brain Savvy Insights for All Types of People
Type Talk: The 16 Personality Types That Determine How We Live, Love, and Work
Article: Personalities in Children & Family
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It’s so amazing to see yourself reflected in an article like this. Healing too. All these were struggles for me, especially shyness.
It’s helpful with my kids too since at least one is an ISFJ. I have to be especially sensitive with him, and he can’t handle conflict at all, he falls apart.
Thank you for this!
I’m so glad you found this helpful! As an INFJ I can relate to some of the struggles myself – especially the shyness! I’m glad your ISFJ child has a parent who cares so much about understanding them. They are very lucky!! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate it!
I wish I would’ve known this about myself when I was a kid, and I definitely wish my parents would have known. It perfectly explains a lot of the experiences I had as a kid. It definitely would have prevented certain situations from happening and would have brought a lot of understanding, instead of just frustration and mishandling.
Yes! I’m I’m over 30 and my very extroverted mother still scolds me for not being outgoing enough with my feelings for others.
Wow, I was always treated like there was something wrong with me for being too sensitive, and told it was silly when I valued things that brought back memories. Lots of days locked in my room crying. I always felt alone. Glad to know I’m not the only one who grew up this way, but I wish my parents would have been more understanding and responded differently than they did.
This explains so much, and fits me perfectly. I wish my parents had known, yet I don’t believe it would have mattered. It’s interesting that the article mentions that the young ISFJ might “slam doors”, etc. in response to being hurt emotionally. My brother and I were being abused when our mother went out every night, and I found the nerve to tell her; her reaction was to say “stop it” to the abusers, and go on her merry way. I would cry when she and her friend were getting dressed up to hit the bars, and they’d laugh…which led to me slamming doors. Little brother and I still got locked in closets and left there, and later, sexual abuse from brother’s friends. That’s why I say, it wouldn’t have mattered if my mother knew my personality type, because her type was and is “narcissist.” Great article! Thank you so much.
Man this post describes a lot of the problems I had growing up as a young ISFJ. It’s like you are in our heads lol
Man this comment describe so many of the problems I had growing up. Yeah I definitely took things way too personally as a child and slammed doors as responses to my emotions. It’s like you were spying on me and read my mind.
My daughter is an ISFJ and this explains her perfectly. This helps me so much as her parent.
As ENFJ mother of a gorgeous ISFJ daughter, I wish I had read this earlier. I do many of the tips already, but I didn’t know about the fear of conflict and sensitivity to perceived criticism. I hope I haven’t hurt my girl too much. She too has a hard time letting stuff go because of the memories, she’s a little pack rat! And at most she has 5 very close friends. Its always at bedtime that she wants to do her sharing and catch up! She says it’s because I’m busy during the day. Thoughtful girl. I realise sometimes I must really overwhelm her. Im so glad for this information and hope I can be more responsive in a way that makes sense to her.
My isfj is 17. I just typed her this year. 🙁
wish I had known this long ago. The rest of us are intuitive types. This explains so much why she seems so overly sensitive to constructive criticism, any conflict & why she absolutely won’t ask for help ever!
However, she has far better boundaries than I do. She doesn’t hang onto friends that neglect her too many times.
As an INTJ mother of an ISFJ daughter, it was good for me to take my time to learn to communicate in the language of “feelings” LOL.. in my mind that´s how I look at it. Whenever I would try to teach her an abstract concept like “justice”, I had to refrase it/translate it into how people feel about certain actions, how she would feel, how God would feel.. I personally wouldnt´ had like it as a child because it would seem manipulative and I still sometimes struggle with that idea, but that is the only way she understands it, and of course, once she connects the concept with her emotions she never forgets.
I am an isfj and this described my child hood very well.
I’m an isfj…i had a hard time resigning from my job because my supervisor pleaded and told me to stay until the company hires more staff, i agreed to stay coz i wanted to help and considered my colleagues as my family as well. Then, my sister noticed that i became irritated and depressed because of my eratic work schedule , I often work overtime and sleep less. My mom and sister eventually encouraged me to resign and said to me that it is not my problem that the company is understaffed and i should think about myself sometimes, btw i was also offered with a good deal by another bigger and better company, so it made my descision to resign easier.
Oh how I wish I saw this when I was a child. I always thought that if someone picked on me, that I did something wrong. I always felt like an outsider and had a few close friends. Thank you for posting this and validating my feelings and experiences as a child.
It confirms I’m really an ISFJ. It’s 100% my childhood struggle. Thanks for writing this article!
Wow. WOW!
This is me to a T. I actually feel understood!!
Thank you for posting this. Extremely helpful!
Thank you for great articles on personality type.
I understood my behaviours and my values long ago but I thought it’s just me. NOW with your help knowing myself better than before makes me so powerful and respected.????????????
I was actually a bit overcome by this. I am the ISFJ, and I was raised by a mother who did pretty much everything in a manner that was the polar opposite of what I needed at the time. It makes so much sense to me now that memories of my childhood are not pleasant.
I can relate to what you’re expressing, Bonnie; because my experience with my mother were very similar to yours.
This describes me through & through. Thank you!!
I’m glad you enjoyed it!! Thanks for the feedback 🙂
Yep, that’s me as a child. I remember being told I was a great listener, and I guess I was because everybody seemed to confide in me. But I really can’t remember ever talking about my own deepest struggles to anybody. If my friend told me something sad she’d went through, I cried with her. If I felt down myself, I hid in my room and cried alone, and felt strangely lonely by doing so. I don’t know if anyone ever noticed that… Fighting, divorcing parents might not have created the best environment for ISFJ child to grow, anyway. Constant tension and conflict. Still hate it, still avoid it.
I used to write a lot, I still do, it does help a little. (This comment section ended up being my venting channel tonight, sorry for messy outburst. I don’t know if this comment ever gets through or if anyone ever reads this. Maybe it doesn’t matter. I still don’t know what is wrong. I’m just tired. So very tired.)
Hi Siiri,
I just wanted to say that everything you wrote gave me chills, because I’ve had very similar experiences as you. My parents have also parted ways many years ago and since they were constantly talking trash about eachother, I’ve subconciously lost trust in both of them. And developed major trust issues in general. It’s like I haven’t learned how to be close to people. And that’s a kind of hell experience for a Fe user.
I can also picture myself crying alone in my room not wanting to be a burden to anyone.
It’s strange that I always knew how to give a solid advice to people who are suffering and reassure them, but when it comes to me, being a “patent”, not a “psychologist”, it’s like I can’t open myself. And I did with very few people in my life. Even my closest friends don’t know about my deepest wells.
But enough rambling about me. ????
All I wanted to say is… that your not alone in your tiredness and struggles (and venting them in comment sections????).
I think it’s okay to feel that way and to acknowledge that we’re all a little broken.
And that fact itself is sometimes all you need to know to feel better about yourself. And I’m hoping that you WILL feel better. ????
Have a great day, Siiri and feel free to respond if you ever read this. ????
Hi Siiri,
I just wanted to say that everything you wrote gave me chills, because I’ve had very similar experiences as you. My parents have also parted ways many years ago and since they were constantly talking trash about eachother, I’ve subconciously lost trust in both of them. And developed major trust issues in general. It’s like I haven’t learned how to be close to people. And that’s a kind of hell experience for a Fe user.
I can also picture myself crying alone in my room not wanting to be a burden to anyone.
It’s strange that I always knew how to give a solid advice to people who are suffering and reassure them, but when it comes to me, being a “patent”, not a “psychologist”, it’s like I can’t open myself. And I did with very few people in my life. Even my closest friends don’t know about my deepest wells.
But enough rambling about me. ????
All I wanted to say is… that your not alone in your tiredness and struggles (and venting them in comment sections????).
I think it’s okay to feel that way and to acknowledge that we’re all a little broken.
And that fact itself is sometimes all you need to know to feel better about yourself. And I’m hoping that you WILL feel better. 🙂
Have a great day, Siiri and feel free to respond if you ever read this. 🙂
Hi Siiri,
I just wanted to say that everything you wrote gave me chills, because I’ve had very similar experiences as you. My parents have also parted ways many years ago and since they were constantly talking trash about eachother, I’ve subconciously lost trust in both of them. And developed major trust issues in general. It’s like I haven’t learned how to be close to people. And that’s a kind of hell experience for a Fe user.
I can also picture myself crying alone in my room not wanting to be a burden to anyone.
It’s strange that I always knew how to give a solid advice to people who are suffering and reassure them, but when it comes to me, being a “patent”, not a “psychologist”, it’s like I can’t open myself. And I did with very few people in my life. Even my closest friends don’t know about my deepest wells.
But enough rambling about me. ????
All I wanted to say is… that your not alone in your tiredness and struggles (and venting them in comment sections????).
I think it’s okay to feel that way and to acknowledge that we’re all a little broken.
And that fact itself is sometimes all you need to know to feel better about yourself. And I’m hoping that you WILL feel better. 🙂
Have a great day, Siiri and feel free to respond if you ever read this. 🙂
This… wow. Reading this article struck a deep chord. My heart is tugged and i understand some things much better. Thank you……………. i was trying to figure out if i’m INFJ or ISFJ and this article…………settled it.
Hi Siiri,
I just wanted to say that everything you wrote gave me chills, because I’ve had very similar experiences as you. My parents have also parted ways many years ago and since they were constantly talking trash about eachother, I’ve subconciously lost trust in both of them. And developed major trust issues in general. It’s like I haven’t learned how to be close to people. And that’s a kind of hell experience for a Fe user.
I can also picture myself crying alone in my room not wanting to be a burden to anyone.
It’s strange that I always knew how to give a solid advice to people who are suffering and reassure them, but when it comes to me, being a “patent”, not a “psychologist”, it’s like I can’t open myself. And I did with very few people in my life. Even my closest friends don’t know about my deepest wells.
But enough rambling about me. ????
All I wanted to say is… that your not alone in your tiredness and struggles (and venting them in comment sections????).
I think it’s okay to feel that way and to acknowledge that we’re all a little broken.
And that fact itself is sometimes all you need to know to feel better about yourself. And I’m hoping that you WILL feel better. 🙂
Have a great day, Siiri and feel free to respond if you ever read this. 🙂
I am definitely an ISFJ. This information is excellent! It gives me deeper insight into who I am and in which environments I function best. Thank you so much.
I was not taught that I could say no as a young child. It’s changed who I am as a person today.
I grew up in a chaotic family environment. I have 5 siblings, and we all have different personalities, in my opinion. I’m definitely an ISFJ, but it was hard to tell because of the effects of neglect and abuse, and low emotional intelligence on my parents’ parts. They just weren’t equipped to raise us well, and it overwhelmed them a lot, so things got nasty at times.
My parents were also never good at setting and keeping boundaries, so my stronger personality siblings would butt heads with each other and my parents, sometimes violently. 😑 Definitely NOT a great environment for an ISFJ to grow up in.
Unless I write or talk about my feelings, I cannot understand my own feelings. Yet I can walk into a room a feel the mood almost instantly. Even more so if it’s with people I’m close to. It can be extremely overwhelming to me (due to my childhood) if people are angry at or around me. I can get so anxious I go mute, or I start physically shaking. 😭
Therapy has helped me a lot, but the effects are still there most days. Got so bad last year PTSD got triggered in me from stress.