ENFJs, INFJs and Empathy Burnout
Have you ever discovered that one friend who seems to literally feel your hurts and pains as well as your joys and triumphs? While all people, even dominant thinking types, can empathize, ENFJs and INFJs have an especially uncanny ability to step into your shoes. To quote one of my favorite fictional INFJs, Atticus Finch, “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view…until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”
INFJs and ENFJs combine their intuitive and feeling sides to absorb the emotions of others. All feeling types are prone to some form of empathy burnout, but INFJs and ENFJs seem to struggle with this the most on a day-to-day basis. You can get a look at how INFPs and ISFPs experience empathy burnout in my article: INFPs, ISFPs and Empathic Mirroring.
ISFJs and ESFJs can also struggle with over empathizing, but because their feeling function is paired with sensing, they tend to have a more practical approach to how they sense emotions in others. They are very aware of how people feel, are touched by it, but then they try to find a practical solution to solving it. If someone seems upset they will quickly try to find a concrete way to help; fixing a meal, getting them out of the house, talking about it, asking if they need help with anything. The NF way of helping tends to be less practical and more insightful; they focus on really mentally immersing themselves in your character, your feelings, the what/when/why/and how of what you’re going through. They may not be the ones to bring you a hot meal when you’re going through a hard time (although they certainly can do this) they are the ones who will absorb your feelings, sink into them, and then discover a way to help you that is insightful, therapeutic, and inspiring.
“Every song that I’ve written, it is because of my desire to use music as a way to empower and re-humanize people who are living in a dehumanizing setting. The song is in order to better the human condition.” – Zach de la Rocha, ENFJ
ENFJs and INFJs don’t have to try to absorb your feelings, it’s as natural to them as breathing. Personality Hacker calls their feeling process “Harmonizing”, and say that these types “unconsciously absorb others’ emotions in real time.” Hundreds of times I’ve heard these two types talk about feeling the emotions of complete strangers when they’re in a crowded building. This is one of the reasons that harmony is so important to them. Where there is anger, sadness, stress, or irritation, these types will absorb it all like a sponge. They may not even know why they are suddenly feeling these strong emotions, only that they seem incapable of escaping them while they exist. Being able to let go of the emotions of others and compartmentalize is extremely difficult for a NFJs. Until the environment has returned to a state of harmony these two types will feel lost inside of whatever negative emotions are clouding the atmosphere.
This ability to empathize is a blessing and a curse for the NFJs. On one hand, it gives them a frighteningly accurate ability to understand why other people feel what they do. They will cry with you, get angry with you, feel afraid with you. The solidarity NFJs can provide is staggering. Their ability to combine feeling with intuition means that they can easily understand how your situation will unfold. If you have a desire to change your life or to reach a goal, the NFJ can help you determine what steps to take to get there. They are very driven and goal-oriented people who can easily asses a situation, see hundreds of underlying patterns and clues, and determine why you’re in the position you’re in and how to get out of it.
Another wonderful aspect of NFJs is that they believe in each person’s individuality. They are unlikely to prescribe a “one size fits all” solution to pain. They will listen to you and try to understand your needs, and tailor make a way to encourage you.
“The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.”
Carl Jung, INFJ
INFJs and ENFJs are renowned in the fields of psychology, counseling, and philosophy. In the MBTI® Manual, INFJs are listed as favoring the fields of religion, counseling, university teaching, and the arts “or any other occupations where they can facilitate emotional, intellectual, or spiritual development.” ENFJs are listed as favoring the fields of religion, arts, healthcare, and design “or any other occupations where they can help others with their emotional, intellectual, and spiritual growth.”
The negative side to the feeling abilities of NFJs is that they can feel overwhelmed with the emotional input of others. Because they are in a constant state of “absorbing emotions” they can struggle with finding any internal peace if there is any external conflict at all. As an INFJ myself I know that I can’t sleep if someone in my household is upset. I’ll lay in bed feeling their pain and trying to imagine some way to resolve the situation and return my home to a place of harmony. Reading the news can be especially difficult for NFJs, as they are so touched by the hardships of people worldwide and find themselves immersing themselves in what it would be like to undergo other people’s hardships.
Don’t get me wrong, introverted feelers are also very capable of empathizing and feeling the pain of others. However, where Fi (introverted feeling) sorts out and works to understand one’s own feelings, Fe (extraverted feeling) sorts out and works to understand feelings in the external environment. For this reason, NFJs have a very difficult time differentiating other people’s emotions from their own. They may take on other people’s pains and anguish until they break under the pressure.
“Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.”
– Martin Luther King Jr., ENFJ
NFJ personalities tirelessly work towards harmony, sometimes to the point of exhaustion. When this happens, they may seem like they are putting everyone before themselves. The truth is, however, that in order for them to feel at peace, their environment has to be at peace. Their efforts, while partially selfless, are also for their own good. An NFJ can hardly relax, rest, or take care of themselves while they are absorbing any kind of negative mood in the atmosphere. All must be put to rest outside, before anything can be put to rest inside.
ENFJs, because of their extroversion, often have a better ability to handle the emotions of others for a longer period of time. Because extraverted feeling is their dominant function they are in their ‘zone’ when they are dealing with the emotions of others and managing them. INFJs tend to have a little bit harder of a time because extraverted feeling is their auxiliary function, and while they absorb emotions they have to keep their dominant function (Introverted Intuition) stifled. This is one of the reason that INFJs can only handle small portions of socializing before they feel the need to escape into solitude. When they are finally all alone they can delve into their favorite function, intuition, and let the emotions and stressors of everyone else slowly and gradually unlatch from their psyche.
What Can NFJs Do When They Reach Empathy Burnout?
Just like people can overeat to the point of sickness, NFJs can over-socialize to the point of empathy burnout. Alone time is very important, more so for the INFJ than the ENFJ; but important for both nonetheless. They need to be able to extricate themselves from outside emotions every day so that they can take care of themselves and their own emotions. ENFJs may need a short period of time, because when ENFJs are very stressed, they often find relief by talking about it with a calm and trusted friend. INFJs will need a longer period of solitude and quiet to let go of the emotions of others.
Another important thing for NFJs to do is to understand what emotions are their own, and what emotions are simply the influences of other people. They can do this by writing their emotions down (the favored method for an INFJ) or speaking with someone else about their emotions (the favored method for an ENFJ). Putting their feelings “out there” into the external environment effectively helps the NFJ to feed their emotions back to themselves through extraverted feeling. The NFJ, if they choose to write out their thoughts, should read their thoughts back after they write them so that they can channel them through Fe.
NFJs need to make time to access their other cognitive functions to avoid empathy burnout. NFJs can spend quiet time in thought to access introverted intuition. They can also take a quiet walk outside and look around at nature to access intuition and sensing. Getting a change of scenery, engaging in some light problem solving, relaxing in a hot bath or drinking a cup of tea can all give the NFJ a break from overusing their extraverted feeling. The main goal is for them to have a section of time each day to unplug from other people’s emotions and feelings.
The ENFJ and Stress
I hope that this article helps you to understand what’s happening when you experience emotional overload from other people! Do you have any suggestions or experiences you’d like to share? Let me know in the comments!
I am an INFP and I believe I am an empath. My main work is as a psychotherapist. I need a lot of alone time to recharge my batteries. I get too drained if I see more than 4 clients a day. This limits my earning power. Its easier for me to differentiate my clients feelings than it is to differentiate my feelings from friends feelings.
Thanks so much for sharing the INFP perspective! I would love to do a post about the INFP version of feeling and empathy, because I think it is amazing. I’m adding this to my list of blog topics for the next few months.
This is fascinating, Susan. I was typed as an INFJ in the 16 Personalities test (I’m taking that result with caution and trying to keep an open mind regarding my type after reading your previous article), but I can definitely relate to needing quiet time to recharge after being around people. I do feel my mood alter when I become aware of tension or discord – even when I’m not directly involved and it becomes an effort to enjoy doing my own thing until things are peaceful again. Your prescription made me smile, because I do find that activities like a walk, having a cuppa or sitting with a Sudoku puzzle help to re-centre myself. 🙂
I’m also an INFP, and wonder the same thing. It’s a gift/curse to have insight into another person’s soul so readily. Wouldn’t all NFs have a similar reaction to too much emotional information?
All NF types can reach emotional overwhelm or empathy burnout. But they tend to do it in different ways and at different frequencies. I’m going to be writing a post on how INFPs handle this as well, because the way they take in emotions is different from the NFJ way (because they have introverted versus extraverted feeling). I definitely am not trying to say that only NFJs have insights into other people or experience this issue.
P.S. I would love to hear your perspective as an INFP and use it in my post if you’re interested!! 🙂 Thank you for reading!!
I’m an INFJ and absorb others feelings like a sponge. I constantly know what other people are thinking and think about what others are thinking of me. I also have trouble understanding my own thoughts, but can clearly pick up on what others are thinking. I am easily overstimulated. I have generalized anxiety and depression. Although I’ve tried many different treatments, I still struggle with this today.
However, I think if maybe instead of looking at my struggles as a result of my anxiety and instead a result of my INFJ personality, I would be more kind to myself. I often get down on myself because I get so easily overwhelmed by other people, but maybe it would be healthier/more positive to see it as a part of my inherent personality.
Yes, think so….you have the inherent ability to understand others,…so many places/situations where this is needed/useful..
Thank you so much, this is all so greatly articulated. I am an INFJ, and my Fe has been getting the best of me lately, to a point where I was/am question who I am. I’ve been trying to internalize all my feelings, instead of writing or talking about them and it’s really screwing me up inside.. My anxiety has been extreme, and I have not been getting good sleep. Sometimes I truly do envy Fi because they accept themselves (generally speaking), but with Fe I am so concerned with outer harmony, I feel I can’t make a decision without outward approval by people who are important to me. As an Fe, and also just because of who I am, I just cannot stand drama, it’s completely wacks up harmonization of a group in my eyes, while others feed off of it and eat it up like popcorn at a movie. I started working at a new job about 6 months ago, and was one night invited to go out and drink with them, and even though I knew it reall wasn’t for me, I went anyways. I figured it is supposed to be light-hearted, and superficial, and that is why I wasn’t really interested, but I didn’t feel it was right to keep sticking my nose up at it. Long story short, I went out with them several times, and on New Years we had a get together. There ended up being drama, milked out of things that were taken out of context, and blew completely out of proportion, and I felt like everyone in the group, but I, feeds off of that and perversely likes the drama. The ironic part about it all is everyone must know deep down that none of them cared about their fellows in the group, everyone would gossip about everyone, and talk bad when the persons back was turned, so how can anyone take anything or anyone seriously in that group? This is why I could only slightly enjoy myself when I wasn’t sober around them, and I also hated that because I hate having to alter my mind to have an at least okay time. The drama not being a deal breaker for others in the group was a deal breaker for me, and completely threw off my harmony. I can’t hang out with them anymore, but I don’t view it as much of a loss anyways for the above reasons. And I’m glad I have a concrete reason to excuse myself from the group. If I tried to leave the group before and told them my reasoning for not enjoying get together, they would’ve been met with judgment and misunderstanding, this at least can be a good-enough, and understandable reason for them.
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that experience. I can very much relate. I’ve experienced those situations very many times,and it always leaves me feeling drained and somewhat disillusioned with the world. I think NFs have such high ideals for how they think people should treat each other that when people act out for drama or backstab each other it’s harder on us. I’m so glad this article was helpful to you and helps you to feel better about the way you absorb emotions and need harmony in your life. I hope that things at your new job will be okay even if you don’t socialize with the people in the situation. I wish you all the best and I hope that you’ll feel less stressed AND be able to sleep better soon (I know how hard insomnia is to live with!!). Thanks for reading my article and giving me your feedback!
I am an INFJ. Have you heard of the “door slam”? I feel as if, a few years ago, I got emotionally overwhelmed by the whole world, and door slammed the entire population. I have since let two people back in. But I feel like I walk around with my fingers in my ears and dark glasses on. I have turned my heart to stone to avoid the overload. I can still sense others emotions, as if hearing muffled voices through my fingers plugging my ears, and every once in a while, I still cannot ignore them. But I try pretty hard. I’m not sure I like this version of myself. I feel cold hearted. But I’m still not sure I’ve recovered from being overwhelmed. Part of it is, being a mother of a small child, I’m not sure I get enough time to recharge, so I think maybe I am compensating my trying to keep the emotional input low.
I’m sorry that it is such a struggle. I know that you have to protect your emotional resources so you don’t overload yourself and end up becoming severely stressed. As a mother this is important so that you can give your children your attention and not be overloaded by other people. I’ve definitely heard of the door slam and have used that sometime myself. I hope that things get easier with time!
This article really helped me to understand my usefulness as an empath. I was so confused about what being an empath meant for me, aside from the problems it seems to cause me. This article talked about specific behaviors I engage in already. I am somewhere between an ENFJ & a ENFP. I belong to an organization, in which I mentor other women. I see their problems and solutions so clearly, where it takes me years to get to the bottom of my own issues.I am grateful for the clarity and I’m glad I found your blog.
I’m so glad this blog helped ! I think it’s wonderful that you use your ability to mentor women. I am hoping to do more of that myself as my kids get older. Again, thank you for commenting!
Thanks, another excellent article! I also find tv a good way to just decompress..I sort of go into neutral mode, which can be helpful. The area that trips my up the most, is with the animal/bird/insect, etc, world. My empathy is so strong for these non human beings that I have to be very careful what info I let in..stories, news, etc. I feel their inherent innocence & unconditional love & so the pain that is often inflicted upon them, I feel as my own. Can be tricky!
I didn’t realize this until I read your comment but I do the same thing! I love nature shows because I am in awe of the beauty and complexity of the world around me and it really soothes me to watch these types of shows. BUT… when an animal I care about gets eaten (for the sake of another animal that I care about), it makes me very sad. I always thought this was normal until I started watching these types of shows with my husband who is completely unaffected by it, just takes it in as fact. It’s an interesting tidbit of information, that we are emotionally attached to fish on a tv screen. Seems silly when you say it like that but it’s true! lol
Thanks!!!
For me it’s like clear summary of what I started realizing based on own feelings. Gestalt therapy helped me to focus more on my own feeling and values and this resulted partially in valuing my solitude. As I work in laud openspace office I take pauses and work one-two days per week from home (thanks to this option at cost of many fights with management:)). Also, during the first year in this particular office I came to work by subway (totally about 2.5 hours per day) – those days I felt completely drained and didn’t want to do anything in the evening. Car helped here a lot..
Oh my gosh…I very much appreciate this article. I’m an ENFJ, and my house has been in absolute upheaval because two of my roommates are fighting. Everything here makes so much sense…the headaches, stomachaches and depression. I understand myself better, and it feels relieving! I have new coping methods that I can work on so that I can feel better to help my friends. Thank you for that!
I am an INFJ, recently burnt out. This blogpost helped me understand a lots. Thank you very much!
To process feelings I write a journal in the morning. But Instead of this:
Quote: “The NFJ, if they choose to write out their thoughts, should read their thoughts back after they write them so that they can channel them through Fe.”(Quote finished)
I have started webcam-recording my thoughts. Speaking in front of my webcam is sometimes easier for me than writing. This way I feel I am processing my feelings via my Fe-function and afterwards by watching this Video-diary/journal.
I’m glad that I was able to discover ‘weirdos’ like me exist and that’s its super normal to feel and react as I do…
Learning more about myself one day at a time, and it’s mind blowing.
Thanks Susan.
That explained why i wanted to try psychology degree despite holding an art one. Thank you! Reading this makes me feel better and realised about myself a little better. I’m a thorough INFJ, doing the personality tests every year while feeling i’ve changed a little but the results came out the same hahaha. This is the 2nd article that said that ‘my kind’ of personality have the ‘condition’ to be stressed out of nothing, just like how i’m feeling for the past few years, especially now. Looking at the situation around me, your words speaks true, alas there’s not much i can do to actually lessen their stress so that i can finally move on and deal with my inner stress…… Still, finding a voice like yours lift some of the weight off my back. I know i’m not an alien, just like how i told my friends to not belittle themselves, but it’s good to actually got my back patted for once.. Thank you so much Susan Storm. God Bless you and your beloved.
Today In GB the man who became the English PM was elected, in my eyes, a racist, neo-nazi, right extremist. Like in November 2016 I feel literally ill today. In November 2016. it took me about 1 week to recover from this shock. The shock from “how is this possible?! After WWII, Ruanda, the Palestinian question etc. etc. again the right-winged extremist are on their way up.
I am INFJ no question about that and also an empath. Yet, I do know other empaths who struggle with this much less then I do. I hardly can breathe and I am so overwhelmed by the, I am going to say it, the stupidity from fellow humans… Thinking right extremism is the answer to something that is only made up by racist people.
Or am I the idiot, the fool who needs to get herself checked in in a mental hospital?
I am an ENFJ in the UK so I know exactly where you are coming from. Please be assured you are not mad, neither are you alone in your feelings. I think the best thing that we can do, is be ourselves – challenging what we don’t agree with and speaking out openly about what we do believe. Also, if you can, surround yourself with with some other NFJs (or at least NFs). I find it helps to have people around who understand or sympathise with your mindset. Hope this is helpful to you.
Any tips on when INFJ loses empathy and shuts down? I feel I have given so much for so long I’m empty and not very nice at the moment. And I hate this cold feeling.
Thank you for this! It is extremely helpful! I had no idea this was even a part of my being an ENFJ, but it 100% is! I actually started looking into this because my past few days have been a TRIP. A good friend of mine, an INFJ, whom I speak to daily, if not constantly, and whom I am especially connected to (emotionally? Spiritually? Don’t know), well he suddenly dropped off the planet 3 days ago. Complete radio silence. No explanation, no nothing. Yet around the time he quit responding and went completely off-line, I began to feel completely overwhelmed with emotions that I couldn’t pin to anything in my immediate situation. It felt like I’d just gotten slammed with the worst thing possible, and I had no idea why. My poor husband (not an -NFJ, lol) couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, and I couldn’t either except that it had something to do with this guy friend. My husband’s like, “Uhmmm you’re freaking out because you haven’t heard from him in 16 hours? Should I be worried..? About you? Or us??” LOL. I literally spent two days feeling like I was trying to recover from the worst day of my life, all the while not hearing from my friend AT ALL. I finally went to his house to make sure he was alive! He’s alive. He’s “had a rough few days.” NO KIDDING!!! I haven’t even asked what he’s processing – I know it’s bad. He’ll tell me when he’s worked through it in his own mind for awhile. But GEE WHIZ! I’m still hurting for him, but at least now I know I’m just empathizing and not, like, feeling the sudden loss of his soul because he DIED or something. Good gracious, I thought I was gonna die ???? Thanks for clearing this up for me a bit ????
Can you be a combination of both ENFJ’s and INFJ’s?
ENFJs and INFJs have the same cognitive functions so it’s very normal to feel like you can relate to both types! Here’s a link to the differences: https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2020/06/08/infj-vs-enfj-whats-the-difference/
thank you great job this is 100% accurate
Thank you so much
I’ve been processing so many emotions ever since the pandemic in 2020
And up until now so many things are happening in the world.
But i’m trying to control my emotions.