How the 16 Myers-Briggs® Personality Types Feel When Giving Emotional Support

How do you feel when someone comes to you for emotional support? Do you feel nervous and uncertain or confident and sure of how to react? I was curious if personality type played a part in how we emotionally supported other people, or how easy it for the 16 types to emotionally support others. With that in mind, I surveyed my email list and social media channels to see what people thought! With 1,478 respondents, I’ve been going through all the results in a series of blog posts lately. Earlier this week I wrote about how easy it is for the personality types to share their feelings, and last week I wrote about the top love languages of each of the personality types.

So without further ado, let’s get started!

Estimated reading time: 20 minutes

How the 16 Myers-Briggs® Personality Types Feel When Giving Emotional Support

ISTPs and Emotional Support

For ISTPs, the world of emotions can be a confusing one. As dominant Introverted Thinking types, they can easily figure out the nuts and bolts of how things work or the principles of a logical argument. But conveying and reading emotional nuance is trickier. They want to be emotionally supportive, but many ISTPs worry that they’re saying or doing the “wrong” thing. That said, 39.29% of ISTP respondents did say it was easy to offer emotional support – so being an ISTP doesn’t automatically mean you’ll struggle with this. Many ISTPs I’ve spoken to have practiced and honed the art of emotional support even if it didn’t come naturally at first. As Sensing-Perceivers they are good at reading physical cues, deciphering body language, and spotting details that convey deeper meaning. This can make them adept at noticing minor shifts in moods; the struggle can be finding the right words to say in response to those cues. That said, ISTPs can be just the people you need if the support you’re looking for has a technical aspect to it or if you’d like constructive, logical advice.

Find out more about ISTPs: 10 Things You Should Never Say to an ISTP

ISTJs and Emotional Support

For ISTJs, more said it would be easy to offer emotional support than answered “No.” When I asked the ISTJs I knew more about this, they said that they believed being quiet and listening is what people want most when they need support. Being calm, listening, and simply being present many have found to be the surest way to offer support. Others offer practical guidance and support with issues the other person might be facing. Still, 36.84% mentioned struggling to offer emotional support. This may be because ISTJs wear their feelings close to the chest and often process them privately  more than publicly. Speaking emotionally affirming words, offering compliments, giving verbal validation – this can be more of a struggle for ISTJs. They naturally see the logic or illogic of situations more than the emotional components involved, so at times they have to bite back critique or advice because others simply want emotionally supportive words instead.

ISFPs and Emotional Support

61.29% of ISFPs found it easy to offer emotional support, while only 25.81% said it was difficult. One ISFP I spoke to went on to explain that they can easily put themselves in other people’s shoes, listen and block out other distractions, and be present. Dario Nardi, a neuroscience expert and author of Neuroscience of Personality, said of ISFPs (and INFPs): “The Fi types (IxFPs) listen in a holistic way that recruits all regions of the neocortex. When someone starts talking, they enter this state, which shows on the EEG monitor as a solid bright blue. All regions are alert and yet relaxed and open to input; also, all regions are in synch rather than jumping around. The whole brain acts as a metaphorical still pond that allows a speaker to project herself and be heard.” In short, ISFPs are good listeners with a powerful ability to block out distractions and inner arguments in order to simply be present and fully hear what the other person has to say. This is likely one of their greatest strengths when it comes to offering emotional support; that rare ability to actively and fully listen.

Discover more about ISFPs: Why ISFPs Struggle with Loneliness, and How to Cope

ISFJs and Emotional Support

ISFJs were one of the types that found it easiest to offer emotional support. Out of the 84 ISFJs that responded to my survey, only 2.38% said it was difficult to offer emotional support. Why is it so easy for ISFJs? A large part probably comes down to the way their brain works. ISFJs use a particular type of feeling called Extraverted Feeling. This process easily picks up on emotional cues, people’s needs, and people’s desires. ISFJs can walk into a room and quickly grasp the overall mood, along with details like who looks cold, who might be sad, who might be hungry, who’s glass is empty, etc,. When speaking to someone, an ISFJ can easily read their tone of voice, body language, and pay attention to the smallest details of what they are saying in order to get a fairly accurate read of what’s going on with someone emotionally. Because of this, ISFJs can easily offer support and know the right words to say at the right time. Many ISFJs enjoy giving positive words of affirmation and compliments, while others enjoy helping people out in more practical ways like making a meal or helping out with chores.

INTPs and Emotional Support

For the 82 INTPs who responded to my survey, showing emotional support was definitely more of a struggle. When I asked several INTPs for more information, what they said is that they often felt their attempts to emotionally support and comfort others had often fallen flat in the past. They felt awkward, unsure of themselves, and worried about whether their words would be misperceived. As dominant Introverted Thinking types, INTPs are just the people you need when you want logical input, a new possibility or idea to consider, or help with understanding a complex system. But when you’re looking for validation or affirmation, be patient and don’t compare them to anyone else. For INTPs, delving into the emotional world often forces them to access their inferior function, Extraverted Feeling. When anyone is accessing their inferior function they tend to feel more apprehensive and unsure. If an INTP gives you logical critique, troubleshooting advice, or asks a lot of clarifying questions when you’re going through a hard time, don’t take it personally. Understand that this is most likely their natural way to show they care and to help. And, as always, there are INTPs who have honed this skill and do find it easy; after all, 15.38% of the INTPs who responded said it was easy to offer emotional support. As with all things, practice is key.

Find out more about INTPs: 10 Things You Should Never Say to an INTP

INTJs and Emotional Support

INTJs would typically rather help you find a strategy or logical solution to a problem than offer a lot of validation or affirmation. Out of the 182 INTJs who responded to my survey, 56.04% said it was difficult to offer emotional support, while 29.67% said it was easy. When INTJs receive information, their first tendency is to sort it through their intuition. What patterns are there? What underlying meanings are at play? What predictions do they see? After that, they sort out information via their Thinking function. What is logical? What is objective? What is the evidence? What is the likely effect of something? For INTJs, when someone comes to them with a problem, chances are they’re going to look for patterns and insights as well as logical steps to solving the problem. Their first natural response isn’t going to be to offer validation, comforting words, or kind remarks. It doesn’t mean that INTJs aren’t kind, and this doesn’t mean that INTJs can’t learn to respond in those ways. Many INTJs, particularly female INTJs, learn (sometimes the hard way) that most people don’t want advice when they want support. And I’ve met many INTJ therapists who are amazing at offering emotional support. But for the average INTJ (myself included), offering emotional support can sometimes feel awkward or unsettling. We may not always know the right words to say, and we often have to shut off the part of ourselves that wants to jump in with logical advice because many times it isn’t received with the loving intent it was meant to be received with.

Discover more about INTJs: When INTJs Loop – Understanding the Ni-Fi Loop

INFPs and Emotional Support

For INFPs, catalyzing people towards a higher potential and calling is part of their driving force in life. They offer support by sharing possibilities, innovating, and acknowledging the worth in people’s individual dreams and desires. They say, “It’s okay to be you, even if other people call it ‘weird'”. Most INFPs found it easy to offer emotional support, and, like ISFPs, they often do this by listening. According to neuroscience expert Dario Nardi in Neuroscience of Personality, INFPs “listen in a holistic way that recruits all regions of the neocortex….The whole brain acts as a metaphorical still pond that allows a speaker to project herself and be heard….INFPs are more likely to enter this listening mode and stay with it longer. They can hold this state for ten minutes or more as they truly, actively listen. INFPs may really get to the core of a person’s psychology by listening for so long.”

Want to know more about INFPs? Read 13 Remarkable INFP Anime Characters

INFJs and Emotional Support

INFJs tap into their Feeling side to emotionally support other people. They can typically grasp what’s going on for people, how they’re feeling, and even intuit patterns as to why they’re feeling the way they are. Many INFJs mention “absorbing” other people’s emotions, almost as if they are their own. This empathic ability gives them a profound ability to provide support and insight to people who are struggling. Still, 7.33% of INFJs did say it was difficult for them to offer emotional support. Many things can factor into this; an upbringing where perhaps their feeling side wasn’t nurtured, negative experiences when offering emotional support, or being in a Ni-Ti loop where the INFJ is bypassing their feeling side to loop back and forth between their Intuition and their Thinking.

Find out more about INFJs: INFJ Compatibility with Every Personality Type

ESTPs and Emotional Support

Even though ESTPs are Thinking types, they have a good grasp on the emotional dynamics around them. They can easily “read the room”, spot changes in body language, and use a blend of humor and personal warmth to put people at ease. While they can be argumentative, blunt, and straightforward on many occasions, when someone comes to them for emotional support they often know how to respond in a positive and affirming way. Or they may use humor and affection to try to lighten the other person’s spirits. That said, ESTPs who aren’t as in touch with their Extraverted Feeling side (the 3rd out of their 8 cognitive functions) may struggle more here. It may be difficult for them to get out of an impersonal, blunt state and tap into the other person’s feelings and respond in a supportive way.

ESTJs and Emotional Support

ESTJs are troubleshooters and problem-solvers, and when it comes to supporting someone going through a hard time they feel confident they can help fix the problem at hand. Many ESTJs enjoy being the one people call on for help when life is weighing them down. They feel a natural responsibility for the people around them and will work hard to take care of their families and communities. That said, ESTJs are also very blunt and will speak their minds quickly. At times, their efforts to support can be seen as overly-direct and frank, very logical but sometimes lacking in warmth. While they may enjoy being a confidante, they can sometimes give constructive criticism in a way that seems “arrogant” to other people. Often people just want a listening ear or validation for what they’re feeling, and an ESTJ jumping in with quick solutions can seem overwhelming. It’s important for people who love the ESTJ to realize that they’re trying to be supportive when they offer advice; this is their way of showing they care. But if you need someone to simply listen and empathize, let them know beforehand. If they know what you want and need in the situation they’ll be much more likely to offer that, but they need clarity from you on that. For ESTJs, give yourself a pause before responding to someone’s struggles and ask them what they need. Ask them if they’re looking for solutions or just a listening ear; this can help you to more effectively be the emotional support they’re needing.

ESFPs and Emotional Support

For ESFPs, life is meant to be lived in the fullest and every moment is packed with opportunity. When someone goes to an ESFP for support, chances are the ESFP will create a space for that person to be authentic and honest about what they’re going through. They’ll also work to create positive experiences for the other person. Have a favorite snack you love? The ESFP will go to the store with you and stock up on snacks, and while they’re at it, they may buy a movie ticket to that movie you’ve been dying to see at the same time. ESFPs usually don’t have a hard time emotionally supporting other people; but sometimes other people can take advantage of their talent. I’ve met many ESFPs who say they don’t feel like they’re allowed to have a bad day, because everyone counts on them to be the encouragers and supporters all the time. So for all the friends and loved ones of ESFPs, make sure you’re giving them space to express the positive and negative emotions they’re feeling and offering them the same understanding support they offer you.

Find out more about ESFPs: 24 Signs that You’re an ESFP – The Champion Personality Type

ESFJs and Emotional Support

For ESFJs, being the confidante when someone is going through a hard time is a treasured position. ESFJs enjoy being able to emotionally support their friends and loved ones, and will often go above and beyond to be there for others. It’s easy for ESFJs to sense what other people are feeling and notice others’ needs as well. If you’re in the company of an ESFJ, chances are they’ll pick up on your mood, body language, and comfort level rapidly. Often they’re the types of people who will notice you’re thirsty or hungry before you even do! Of course, not every ESFJ is exactly the same. 12.50% of ESFJs said it was not easy for them to offer emotional support. One ESFJ I spoke with said that she struggled because she’d grown up in a family where her talents of empathy were not appreciated. She was often chastized for being “too soft” or berated for not being as “logical” as others in the family. Because of this, she learned to hide her more empathetic, comforting side and is only now trying to access it more as an adult. Life experiences definitely play a pivotal role in how one develops their type. These surveys can show us major trends in type, but they don’t account for every single individual with that personality type.

Discover more about ESFJs: A Look at the ESFJ Leader

ENTPs and Emotional Support

Most ENTPs feel confident when it comes to emotionally supporting other people. ENTPs have a natural sense of the emotions and moods of the people around them, thanks in part to their tertiary Extraverted Feeling function. Even though ENTPs are Thinking types, they use a specific type of feeling that naturally grasps emotional fluctuations in the environment. This feeling function is the third out of their eight cognitive functions so it’s fairly proficient. ENTPs are also skilled at reading between the lines, spotting connections, and generating insights thanks to their intuition. Because of this, ENTPs can often be just the people you need when you’re going through a hard time. They have a unique blend of humor, empathy, and logic that can hit all the areas you need support in at once. That said, 25% of the ENTPs surveyed said it was not easy for them to offer emotional support. There are many factors that could play into this; life experience, maturity, and personal values. Some ENTPs have spent so much time in the energy of their intuitive and thinking functions that they’ve ignored any development of their feeling side. These ENTPs might be blunt to the point of insensitivity or argumentative rather than comforting. As with all the types, it’s crucial for ENTPs to work on giving space to every side of their personality: Intuition, Thinking, Feeling, and Sensing.

Find out more about ENTPs: The ENTP Dark Side

ENTJs and Emotional Support

The survey results for ENTJs surprised me because most of the ENTJs I’ve known have struggled when offering emotional support. That said, I did have a smaller pool of ENTJs who responded to the survey, only 26 total, so I’m hoping I can get more results from them in the future (and hey! if you’re an ENTJ, leave me a comment on this post and I’ll send you a link to the survey so we can hear your voice!) ENTJs are problem-solvers at heart, and if you come to them with a problem they’re more than happy to offer the most logical, effective solutions they can think of. If this is how you like to receive support, then an ENTJ may be just the person you need. However, if you’re someone who’s looking for a lot of emotional validation and affirmation, you may be less satisfied with advice or troubleshooting. For ENTJs, it’s important to ask the person coming to you if they’re looking for solutions or if they just want a listening ear. Asking this question can make you more effective in your relationships because and help you avoid being called a “know-it-all” when you were just trying to help.

ENFPs and Emotional Support

When I think of ENFPs I always think of Robin Williams’s character in Dead Poets Society. John Keating, his character, was an ENFP who supported and inspired his students by giving them a space to be their true selves. He harnessed their imaginations, helped them to think outside of the box, and see possibilities they never dreamed of before. Rather than relying on traditions or what others expected of him, he marched to the beat of his own drum and encouraged others to do the same to find their truth. ENFPs are wildly talented at this. They can help you to see possibilities and potentials you never dreamed of before, and they can open your eyes to parts of yourself you never knew existed. Because of this, they definitely have skill and finesse when offering emotional support. The important thing for ENFPs is not to get so stuck in the role of supporter that you feel you can’t have your bad days from time to time. Many ENFPs feel like they get stuck in an “inspirer” or “entertainer” role and feel like people don’t know what to do with them when they’re feeling down. It’s crucial for the loved ones of ENFPs to recognize and validate them on their good days and on their bad days. You can find out more about this in my article, Dealing with Emotional Overwhelm as an ENFP.

ENFJs and Emotional Support

As the “Mentor” personality types, ENFJs have a natural affinity for empathizing and offering insight and emotional guidance. Many ENFJs love to be called upon for emotional support and will literally drop everything in order to be there for their loved ones. As Extraverted Feeling types, ENFJs have a natural grasp of the moods and emotions of other people, and thanks to their intuition, they can easily spot insights, patterns, and underlying meanings. Many ENFJs are drawn to fields in counseling and pyschology as a result of this talent. The key for ENFJs, as for many extroverts and feelers, is not to get so trapped in a supporter role that you’re forgetting your own needs. Often, ENFJs will put their own feelings on the backburner in order to be there for other people. They need to make sure that they’re not doing this for so long that they lose themselves or wear themselves down to the point of exhaustion. Loved ones of ENFJs should try to make sure they’re not asking too much of the ENFJ and that they’re offering them emotional support and reassurance and not continuously being the “supported” as well.

Find out more about ENFJs: 24 Signs That You’re an ENFJ Personality Type

What Are Your Thoughts?

Do you agree with the opinions shared in this article? Would you like to take my survey about the personality types and how they give and receive love and support? You can do that here: Love and Support Survey. I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

References:

Neuroscience of Personality: Brain Savvy Insights for All Types of People by Dario Nardi, Ph.D. (Radiance House, 2011)

I’m Not Crazy, I’m Just Not You by Roger R. Pearman and Sarah C. Albritton (Nicholas Brealey Publishing, 2010)

The MBTI® Manual Third Edition by Isabel Briggs Myers, Mary H. McCaulley, Naomi L. Quenk, and Allen L. Hammer (CPP, Inc. 2003)