How to Have Smarter Conflict, Based On Your Personality Type

When it comes to conflict, each personality type has their own set of strengths and weaknesses. Some of us are good at peacemaking, but on the flip side, we might make peace too soon and leave things unresolved. Some of us are good at recalling facts and specifics, but we might overload someone with all the facts we have and not stop long enough to hear their perspective. This article is going to give some quick and easy tips for engaging in conflict in smart, productive ways.

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How to Have Smarter Conflict, Based On Your Personality Type

Introverts in conflict with Introverts:

Introverts need to feel like they have time to process their thoughts and your words before responding. Feeling rushed to say something can overwhelm them, and partners need to be cognizant of that. Often they need time to prepare their thoughts or write them down so that they can keep up with what they want to say and what you’re saying at the same time. Conflict is especially draining to introverts because it forces them to be highly attuned to the outer world and another person’s feelings and words in real-time. Yet for introverts, they often get their best thoughts when they post-process a situation.

• Let yourself speak up about important issues. Don’t smother what you’re thinking and push it away because it’s too frustrating to vocalize it. Write it out if you need to, but make sure to address it.
• Be aware that you both are probably harboring more thoughts and/or feelings than are being said. Be patient with each other and realize there’s probably more to the picture than what is being vocalized.
• Realize that this is a stressful situation for both of you. Give each other time to think things over. You might have mentally rehearsed what you are saying and prepared, but they might not have. As an introvert, you know how important it is to have time to reflect on what’s happening and form your opinions. Give the person you’re speaking with time to think things over.

Introverts in conflict with Extraverts:

• Write out your thoughts and/or feelings before entering into a conflict or argument. Be brave and commit to being heard. Even if you have to read out your thoughts on paper, do it, and stand up for yourself.
• Understand that many extraverts tend to “think out loud”. They may speak before fully coming to a conclusion. Don’t assume that they are 100% attached to everything they say before they’re finished talking. Re-phrase how you interpreted what they said to be sure you got it right.
• If they are dominating the conversation, don’t be afraid to put your foot down and demand to be heard.

Another helpful article for introverts: The Secret You Didn’t Know About Each Introverted Myers-Briggs® Personality Type

Extraverts in conflict with Extraverts:

Extroverts tend to think out loud during the heat of conflict, and will often ask a lot of questions or bring up a lot of details. They can get overwhelmed when their partner stays quiet for a long time, wanting to know what’s going on in their mind in real-time rather than after it’s been processed. They may say things they later regret because they are more likely to reveal their thoughts as they’re happening, rather than after they’ve “pruned” them.

• Take turns voicing your disagreements and opinions without interruption. Take notes if you need to, but don’t rehearse what you are going to say while they are talking. Practice actively listening.
• Avoid repeating yourself or “beating a dead horse”. Try to sum up what the problem is and try not to ramble too long and eventually confuse or overwhelm the person listening to you.
• Write “bullet points” of your thoughts before you speak so that you can stay on track and stay more concise.
• Realize that the other person might be “thinking out loud” and may not be fully attached to what they are saying. Before jumping to conclusions or getting defensive about something, make sure you’re clear on what they really meant.

Extraverts in conflict with Introverts:

• Keep in mind that if they are quiet, they may not be ignoring you and you don’t have to “fill up the space” (this isn’t an issue for all extraverted personality types, just some). Give them a chance to formulate what they are going to say and be okay with silence.
• Avoid repeating yourself or going off on a lot of related rabbit trails of thought. Try to keep some “bullet points” in mind of what the problems really are, or sum up the issues that you are having. Then give them a chance to think.
• Realize that if they are forced to respond without time to reflect they may not be fully happy with their responses.
• Take some pauses to process yourself before reacting. Consider your values, the facts, the history of the situation, and the ramifications of what you say.

Another helpful article for Extroverts: The Secret World of Every Extroverted Myers-Briggs® Personality Type

Intuitives in conflict with Intuitives:

Intuitives tend to focus on the big picture and patterns in a situation. They may bring up patterns of offensive behavior, implications of a situation, and long-term effects. They often “just know” things, and this can lead to clashes with sensing types who are all about the facts and details. Often they will focus on the main point rather than giving an abundance of leading details.

• Disagreements can happen because you both perceive things differently. Make sure you have an accurate understanding of what the other person really means before responding.
• Resist ignoring or bending facts to prove your point.
• Balance your intuitions and insights with a knowledge of what has really happened and what the objective realities are.
• Resist the urge to extrapolate so much that you might lose your point or confuse the listener.

Intuitives in conflict with Sensors:

• Avoid focusing only on the big picture or impressions. Focus on the facts and bring specifics to the forefront of your discussion.
• Help the person you are speaking with to see the future implications of the details he or she is bringing to the table.
• Try to listen carefully to what the other person is really saying without reading into it too much. Clarify what they mean so that you don’t move forward on a misunderstanding.
• Respect their need to discuss facts or specifics in detail, even if it might seem boring or beside-the-point to you. There might be an important detail that you have overlooked!

Another helpful article for intuitives: What is an Intuitive? How to tell if you are one

Sensors in conflict with Sensors:

Sensors care about specifics, details, and linear explanations. They are skeptical if the person they’re in conflict with can’t back up their position with a list of historical facts and details. When it comes to focus, they are more interested in recalling past experiences or the current moment and are less interested in abstractions or long-term future forecasts.

• Don’t overload each other with specifics, details, and facts. Try to stay away from being redundant.
• Think about the future implications of what you are saying before you say it.
• If you disagree on the details of something, stop and check the facts to make sure you are being accurate.
• Be aware that if you are an SJ type (or in conflict with one) there might be past experiences and patterns coloring your current experience. What are those? Are those experiences creating a bias within you? Are those experiences important in the context of the current conflict?

Sensors in conflict with Intuitives:

• Be aware that they are likely to focus on the big picture and future implications of everything. Try to listen thoughtfully, but if they’re veering too far away from reality, keep them grounded and specific. Remind them of the facts.
• Try to grasp the implications of what they are saying.
• Don’t interrupt them with details that are irrelevant to the main point of the discussion.
• Understand that they may “zone out” if you spend a lot of time leading up to the main point with lots of details. If possible, start with the big picture, then fill in with details as needed.
• Don’t be condescending if their ideas seem far-fetched to you. Many intuitives are able to grasp future possibilities in very insightful ways. While they are not always right, try to keep an open mind just in case.

Another helpful article for sensors: The Driving Force of Every Sensing Personality Type

Thinkers in conflict with Thinkers:

Thinking types tend to be blunt, logical, and straightforward in conflict. They will often objectify their feelings in order to focus on the logic of a situation and take a more analytical approach. This can sometimes be offensive to Feeling types who may see their detached approach as being uncaring or insensitive. It’s difficult for them to validate feelings that seem founded on poor reasoning to them, and they may struggle to take their conflict-partner seriously if that is the case. This can lead to arguments or debate increasing over things like logical fallacies, improper word usage, or inconsistencies in someone’s story.

• Don’t get so competitive that you lose sight of the point.
• Recognize that even though you might be wrapped up in a debate, you and the other person both have feelings and emotions that could be clouding your judgment. Remember, thinking and feeling types are both emotional. Also be careful not to say things you’ll regret later.
• Remember that some thinking types process “out loud”. They may not be totally committed to what they are saying. Try to clarify what they really mean before debating it.

Thinkers in conflict with Feelers:

• Remember that feelers are more likely to take things personally than thinkers. Pause to consider how to tactfully address what needs to be said.
• Don’t get so wrapped up in debating and winning an argument that you steamroll over their feelings or values. Say “I’m sorry” if it needs to be said.
• Respect their personal ethics and morals. Certain beliefs and feelings can’t be explained with logic, but that doesn’t mean those beliefs and feelings aren’t valid.
• Appeal to their sense of right and wrong, ethics, and the feelings of the people involved.

Feelers in conflict with Feelers:

Feeling types tend to dislike conflict as a general rule, although there are exceptions (Feeling types who are Enneagram 8s, for example). Some Feeling types are fiery and passionate, believing firmly in the righteousness of their position. Others over-empathize with the person they’re in conflict with and wind up losing themselves and their perspective in the process. In general, Feeling types will focus on values in a conflict, issues of right and wrong, how they were made to feel and the emotions involved. For the Feeler, conflict is personal, and they care about the personal ramifications of what they say or what their conflict-partner says.

• Don’t give up on the conflict or wrap it up too quickly just as a way to avoid conflict. Say what needs to be said.
• Some feeling types can get confused during a conflict because they over-empathize with the other person. Make a list of the facts or important issues so that even if you find your resolve fading, you know there are certain things that need to be addressed no matter what.
• Remember that conflict can be a good thing and is the basis for many improvements and positive changes. Don’t avoid it at all costs.
• Make sure you’re pausing to make sure that you aren’t letting biases or emotions cloud your judgment. Be as fair as possible.

Feelers in conflict with Thinkers:

• Try to remember that thinkers can be critical without meaning it in an insulting or personal way. They are wired to see flaws and errors and will point them out even if they care about you or respect you.
• Don’t get overwhelmed or pushed into a debate against your will. Stand your ground and remember that inter-personal or intra-personal intelligence may not be able to be proven, but that doesn’t make your position invalid.
• You might try to end the conflict prematurely because you are over-empathizing with the other person. Make a list of the facts or important issues so that even if you find your resolve fading, you know there are certain things that need to be addressed no matter what.
• Remember that conflict can be a good thing and is the basis for many improvements and positive changes. Don’t avoid it at all costs.
• Make sure you’re pausing to make sure that you aren’t letting biases or emotions cloud your judgment. Be as fair as possible.

Another helpful article for Feeling types: 6 Major Misconceptions About Feeling Types

Judgers in conflict with Judgers:

Judging types want to find closure in conflict situations. They hate dilly-dallying or putting it off or dealing with frequent breaks. Instead, they just want to know what’s going to happen, how it will be resolved, and what will change in their life as a result. They can get impatient if their conflict-partner needs frequent breaks or seems slow to process. As they speak, they will probably highlight the strongest areas of contention without getting lost in related trails of thought. They may reiterate these points if they feel they are not being taken seriously enough.

• Restrain from rushing to a resolution. As a judger, you hate leaving things open-ended or without a conclusion. As a result, you might try to “hurry up” the conflict process before really analyzing it thoroughly.
• You feel better if there’s a clear timeline. To avoid rushing to a conclusion, lay out the problems, and then schedule a time to discuss a resolution. This lets you leave things open for further analysis and reflection while still having the comfort of a deadline.

Judgers in conflict with Perceivers:

• Be patient and allow space and time to explore different information or angles. Understand that the perceiver will likely want more “information-processing” time than you will.
• If your colleague or partner is going off onto too many unrelated topics, try to keep them focused on one topic at a time.
• Understand that if you rush a perceiver to come to a conclusion they may not be totally satisfied with it.

Perceivers in conflict with Perceivers:

Perceivers need to feel like they’re not being rushed to resolve things. They may need frequent breaks to process, think, cool off, or even distract themselves if they feel their emotions are running too high. For them, getting the result they want is more important than getting to closure quickly. Thinking-Perceiving types may find that they’re enjoying the conflict and drag it out for a long time, finding more and more inconsistencies to analyze and piece apart. To them, a good argument can be an invigorating thing, something that gets them closer to accuracy and lets them use their analytical minds to debunk “faulty” thinking. Feeling-Perceivers will instead focus on the values involved, the emotions, and personal implications.

• Help each other stay focused and not to veer off onto too many other subjects. Try to keep to one point at a time.
• Perceivers are good at coming up with win-win solutions. Use your creativity to negotiate in a friendly way.
• Don’t procrastinate away the conflict. Commit to yourself that you will address it and follow through on that commitment.

Perceivers in conflict with Judgers:

• Realize that the judger will likely want closure as soon as possible. Sometimes this can lead them to be impatient. This may make them appear angrier than they really are.
• Try to stick to one topic at a time.
• If you need time to think over the information, schedule a time to come back and address it. Don’t leave the judger “hanging” with no idea if or when the conflict will be resolved.

What are Your Thoughts?

Do you have any suggestions or advice to share? Let us know in the comments!

Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type,  The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!

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