Is Arguing Your Child’s Learning Style?
When it comes to learning styles, people often analyze children for various traits that would classify them as visual learners, audio learners, kinesthetic learners, and so on. However, did you know that arguing is actually a learning style for various personality types? I know this might be met with a lack of enthusiasm by parents with argumentative children. You might be thinking, “Wait! Do I have to keep putting up with this? No way!”
Let me explain…
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Estimated reading time: 8 minutes
One of the major topics of my blog here is the MBTI® and the Jungian Cognitive Functions. These tools help us to understand how people perceive and interact with the world. Each person functions very differently from the next, and all of us have a tendency to think that ‘our way’ is the only right way. This just isn’t the case. People all learn differently, and for some people, arguing is the best way to learn.
If you’re not sure about the reliability of personality testing, you can check out my posts on this here, here, and here. I know, that’s a lot of links, but I was determined to cover the validity of the MBTI® thoroughly before delving into it more.
Who are the most argumentative Myers-Briggs® types?
Without a doubt, the consensus seems to be that the NT (Intuitive Thinking) personality types are the most argumentative. These types also happen to be incredibly ingenious and highly innovative in their thinking. The reason for this is that intuitive thinkers tend to want to find truth in the world, and they’re going to look at it from numerous angles and vantage points. “This is how it’s always been done” will not appeal to an NT. If you tell your NT child to use table manners, for example, they’re going to want a really clear, logical explanation for why. Believe me, I have an NT child, and from experience know this to be true. Saying, “Because I said so” will likely cause a backlash. You’ll either end up driving yourself crazy or shutting them down over time and blocking out what is a fundamental way of learning for them.
Why are they so argumentative?
Intuitive types aren’t content with what is or has always been, they want to know why things are and what they mean for the future. NTs crave logic, truth, progress, and insight. They argue with the standard and find ways to improve it. What NTs don’t want are generalized statements, platitudes, or tradition-oriented rules. They will not subscribe to any belief system or set of rules without first making sure it holds up to intense scrutiny. Their skeptical mind is something that can’t be turned on or off, it’s an essential part of how they function as people.
While an NT child may be perceived as being defiant, they simply can’t allow themselves to learn from something without holding it up to criticism first. Many parents and teachers, especially SJ types, can misread this as being an open form of rebellion or pride. Since NTs only comprise 13.5% of the population (MBTI® Manual – 4th Edition) they are often outnumbered. Many other types are turned off by the debative nature of NTs, who are often labeled as problem students in school.
If my child argues does that mean they are an NT personality type?
Absolutely not. Every child is going to argue at some point, some more than others based on upbringing and environment and what has been allowed. However, if you notice that your child has a particular bent towards arguing, and it’s not always just to get out of something, or because they’re in a state of anger, it’s a possibility to consider. If your child is otherwise obedient, but then when it comes to arguing, has a very hard time holding their tongue, they may be an NT type. Trying to figure out your child’s personality type can take you very far in understanding and working with them effectively.
Characteristics of NT personality types:
– NTs tend to be pragmatic, skeptical, self-contained, and focused on problem-solving and systems analysis.
– NTs pride themselves on being ingenious, independent, and strong-willed.
– NTs are usually even-tempered
– NTs trust logic, yearn for achievement, seek knowledge, prize technology, and dream of understanding how the world works.
The analytical, problem-solving nature of NTs is part of why arguing is such an important learning tool for them. Another thing to keep in mind is that NT types are not feelers, they may not thoroughly understand emotions or feelings in an equation. This means that if you try to argue with them based on emotions it may just confuse and overwhelm them.
So you’re saying arguing is a good thing?
Done the right way, arguing can be a good thing. Infante and Rancer, who developed the argumentativeness scale that is used throughout universities worldwide, said, “Arguing stimulates curiosity and increases learning because individuals tend to seek out information about the issues on which they argue. Arguing reduces egocentric thinking and forces individuals to explore issues from multiple perspectives.”
Research has also shown that “high argumentatives” are seen as more credible, eloquent, creative, and self-assured. This doesn’t mean we should just let our children walk all over us and argue about every little task they’re given and every point you have to bring up. The goal is to harness this assertive gift they’ve been given and teach them to use it in the appropriate ways, at the appropriate times. Don’t stifle it. Too many parents try to just squash what they find irritating in their child without really understanding it. This does an incredible disservice to a child who needs to learn to stick up for themselves, their beliefs, and who needs to research the ‘why’s’ of what they believe. If you have an NT child, you need to be especially aware that ignoring and shutting up their natural skepticism effectively dismantles their natural learning style.
So I just need to let my child argue as much as they want?
No, not as much as they want. Your child needs a way to have a healthy debate with you as his parent. This could mean having a set time every day to go over any questions he has about things that have happened. This can be a safe time for him to air his concerns and questions, and get to the bottom of why life is the way it is, rules are the way they are, etc,.
A practical approach to dealing with the argumentative child
1. Keep Your Perspective
Remember that the same qualities that cause your child to argue too much can also make them great leaders someday. Argumentative NT type children can also have an easier time standing up against peer pressure because of their firm grasp on logic and rationality. Remember that arguing is a way for them to learn and accept truths, and it’s not always an act of defiance or pride.
2. Give Them a Safe Time to Argue
Let your child know that arguing and talking back to you when they’re asked to do something isn’t respectful to you as a parent. Let them know that after an allotted time they will be allowed to respectfully air their concerns to you and bring up their objections. Simply stifling an argumentative child will do nothing but build resentment and distance between you. Give them a chance and a time each day to bring up any questions they might have about things that have happened during the day.
Another great option is to form a family debate club. Have your child pick something to argue (why recycling is important, why cheetahs are the coolest animal, let them pick) and make it a fun family event! Healthy debating is a good skill for anyone to learn.
3. Give Them a Chance to Make an Appeal
When it comes to big decisions and major changes, give your child the chance to appeal a rule. Kids need to feel heard, and they need to know that their opinions matter. Give them a chance to think through things, and when everyone is calm and in a good state of mind, sit down and hear them out. Don’t let them appeal every single thing (“I don’t want to wash the dishes!” “Why do I have to clean up my own mess!”) but give them a say in major decisions.
4. Enforce Consequences for Arguing
If you’re giving your child a time each day to air their arguments respectfully, then any other time arguing comes up during the day, remind them that they can talk to you about it then. If they continue to argue, call it out every time. Initially, they might need some warnings, but then consistently enforce some consequences, like losing out on playing a favorite video game, or going to bed a little early. Remind your kids that you value their opinions, but they need to be respectful to you as a parent, and talking back is not showing that they trust you as a parent.
5. Give Positive Feedback for Obedience
Anytime your child listens and obeys right away, make sure to notice it and point it out! If they’re young, give them a sticker or some kind of small token of appreciation. Let your child know you’re paying attention to their good behavior and not just the bad.
Do you have any experience with an argumentative child? Are you an NT type and have something to add to this discussion? Let me know in the comments!
Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer, and The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
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I think you hit the nail square on the head. I can’t say I have any experience with an argumentative child but I grew up in a family of lawyers. NT is definitely a dominant type within my family and a majority of our interaction with each other consists of arguing and debating. I can see how this helps a person learn as well as exercise their mind because it forces them to apply the knowledge to real world application.
Great piece! It is structured well and an interesting read!
Thank you Samantha! It is so nice to have some feedback from someone with real-life experience to draw from 🙂 My daughter is an E/INTJ (not sure on the E or I yet) and so I’ve learned a lot about the NT types and debating. I feel like a lot of times it can be misunderstood, so I wanted to write something up on it. Thank you again!
I can relate to most of this article quite a bit. I’m an INTJ and a debate tends to be how I learn about something best. Reading has never been useful to me unless I know that the text contains the answer. For me to find an answer the first time though, I usually have to have it pried out of my mind through conversation, debate or argument. Or, by prying it out of someone elses mind through the same methods.
It’s rather abrasive to most, but the result are always sound. =)
Thanks so much for your feedback! This is something that has greatly interested me for a long time, because I have an NT father and an NT daughter and have always wanted to find better ways at understanding their communication style. Thanks again for reading and letting me know your thoughts!
I think a good way to teach a NT child is to have debates with them! Teach them the difference between a debate and an argument. Use the debate sessions to model persuasion skills for NT children.
Reward them for giving mature arguments. Give them logical and practical reasons for doing something. (Eg. Doing the dishes is important to keep the house clean. Sanitation is important to prevent diseases such as salmonella and cholera. Restaurants and food joints adhere to cleanliness standards too. Then allow them to experiment with ways to clean the dishes efficiently.)
Challenge them to hit “milestones” earlier than other SJ children. NT kids are especially responsive when treated as adults as a young age. For example, even though my parents were SJ, they taught me budgeting and financial planning before I hit 13, and with my persuasion, they sent me to public speaking classes. By the time I was 15, I learned about business and investing. Always challenge the NT kids.
If you want an NT kid to do something they don’t like, don’t say “because you have to”. Phrase it as self-discipline.
If the NT kids have an idea like an invention or a business/ money making idea, instead of shooting it down, brainstorm ways to make it happen. Teach the NT child how to execute & implement their ideas. Give them books, resources, refer them to mentors.
If you want to teach NT children people skills, teach them the MBTI and how to deal with each type of people. Teach them the motivations of different people and how it relates to behaviour. Have fun acting out different MBTI types and watch them come out with ingenious tactics to deal with them. Teach them networking and schmoozing. Challenge them to make friends with people, especially those smarter, more competent, and better educated than them. Whether the NT person chooses tech, academia or business, this skill will prove invaluable, as they would find it easy to interact with higher-ups. This skill alone will accelerate their career progress.
There are two different types of relationships, close ones and more surface ones. When it comes to dealing with close relationships, model empathy and validation and strategies for smoothing over conflict. NTs often make close friends with NFs, let them understand the amazing gifts of the Empath.
NEVER give people-pleasing arguments for not doing something. (Eg. Do this so that people will like you.)
NEVER phrase instructions in the negative. Always phrase it in the positive. (Eg. Cleaning the dishes prevents salmonella vs if you don’t clean the dishes, pest control will come to our house). The fear mongering tactic works better on SJs than NT kids.
This is all very useful advice! Thank you! I appreciate you taking the time to read the post and share your experiences and thoughts. I’m going to have to implement some of your ideas with my NT child!
Am printing this and sending it to school with my 4 yr old son.
I hope it helps!!
ENTP here, and oh god, I wish my parents had read this when I was still a child!
This is exactly it; it’s not about being argumentative per se, but the need to understand, and in the general picture as well.
I remember that because I asked so many questions when I was a child and was never satisfied with “because I said so” as a reason, my parents labeled me as argumentative, naughty and downright unreasonable (the horror!).
I wasn’t.
But because my need for the hows and whys was never understood and eventually downright stifled, I grew very frustrated und unhappy, up to the point where I no longer asked any questions at all, because I had rationalized I didn’t deserve being answered. And that asking questions would inevitably make others hate me.
I went from someone who had twice been offered to skip schoolyears in elementary school to someone who hardly kept up their grades and was downright depressed. I can safely say there was a lot of frustration involved on both sides!
Now certainly not all parents are as sensible and sensitive as mine were, but if any parents have trouble understanding a persistent trait of their child’s character, this might be the perfect starting point to reflect upon that. Something that might come across as standoffish and rude to one person might have completely different reasons and intentions.
The examples you give for encouraging an NT child’s need for answers are great, because they provide a safe space with reasonable logic behind possible consequences as well, and thus they also pose as a gateway for learning social skills. And aren’t questions and debates the perfect ways to learn about other people’s point of views and broaden one’s horizon?
Dear Susan, thank you so much for putting everything together so beautifully, I very much appreciate your effort and insight! I really enjoyed the read and will certainly check for more.
Hi Kristina! It was extremely informative to read your thoughts, and it made me wish even more that people could know about personality type and understand the way different children learn and express themselves. I am so sorry that you dealt with not being understood, and feeling like you couldn’t truly be yourself. That is very upsetting! I definitely see with my NT daughter issues where she is misunderstood for asking questions. I’ll notice little ESFJ cousins who are girls getting all kinds of praise for being sweet and affectionate, and my standoffish, serious, skeptical NT daughter gets reprimanded more simply because she has a different way of wanting to express herself. I think NTs, especially NT females, have it pretty rough as children, so writing about the issues they face has always been a goal of mine. I’m glad you commented so I know I’m on the right track as I’m not an NT myself. Anyway, thank you!
Susan, you certainly are on the right track! It makes me so happy to hear you consider your daughter’s way of understanding the environment, it makes all the difference in all the important ways.
And I remember so many situations like these with the ESFJ cousins, too! Obedient, non-questioning people-pleasers were always rewarded by family and friends. If you fail to see the appeal in taking everything for granted, you quickly become the odd one out. “Try to be more like xyz, they’re so nice and affectionate! You’d be more popular!”.
But I think that there is also a gender stereotype issue somewhere here; NT females tend to stray from society’s expectations of female interests and behaviour (so far, all I’ve met, but all to different degrees; I really wanted that dinosaur print schoolbag, chemistry set and Lego bricks while my ESFJ mom, ESFP sister and ISTJ dad were certain ballet was a must for me, since that’s what the other little girls wanted).
Personally I feel that an NTs approach to thinking leans more towards what is traditionally perceived as a male way of thinking, so many people simply don’t know what to make of NT females.
I agree with you on NTs and especially females having it rough as children, simply by being in the numerical minority; when I did the MBTI during a development training at work, there was one female ENTJ (the two of us being the only NTs at all), and we quickly found out we had nearly the same childhood memories! It was like looking into a mirror!
Now what really is important is understanding your child and letting them know they are accepted and fine the way they are. There’s nothing wrong with you if you’re skeptical instead of accepting, it says nothing about your character, and vice versa too! Of course, growing older helps as well. As a child it made perfect sense to me to try and build an iglo out of newspapers in the middle of the living room when I was home alone; today I know why my mom freaked out!
I’ll stop my rant right here before I will doubtlessly find more examples to dig up, and wish you a very good Friday evening and weekend! Best regards from Germany 🙂
I am an INTJ personality type and strongly relate to this article. Also I think it is important, especially to NT personality children to explain why they are being punished, and give logical punishments that they understand and accept the reasoning behind.
Spanking as punishment does not offer the deeper reasoning why something is wrong. As a child I valued my independence or free time, so having privileges taken away, such as toys, or the privilege of going to things resonated with me more so than corporal punishment. Alone time, followed by my parent’s explanation of why my actions were wrong, and self reflection led me to a deeper understanding of how and WHY my actions should change. Later I would feel remorse on my own accord, and apologize.
“So I just need to let my child argue as much as they want?
No, not as much as they want. Your child needs a way to have a healthy debate with you as his parent. This could mean having a set time every day to go over any questions he has about things that have happened. This can be a safe time for him to air his concerns and questions, and get to the bottom of why life is the way it is, rules are the way they are, etc,.”
Wanted to bring to your attention that in this section “child” was switched to he/him/his.
Hi Susan! Wow ! I really enjoy reading your blog, and this article really give me a new perspective. I have 3 NT child, and they argue many times a day and they really make me exhausted.. It’s a great pleasure to now that it is not my mistake as a parent why they could be an argumentative child that way… thanks alot Susan!
I’m so glad this article was helpful! I definitely feel your frustration and exhaustion – I have 5 children and several are very strong-willed and argumentative! It’s been a challenge to implement the tips I’ve written about here, but it does certainly help! Best of luck to you and thank you for the kind comment!
Even i want to know every last basic reason as INFP but i don’t ask out i wonder myself in my mind and try to research it on my own through books, online.