Myers-Briggs® and Relationships – Why INFJs and INTPs Fall For Each Other
INFJs and INTPs are one of the most common relationship pairings; so common, in fact, that they are often called “the golden pair”. INTPs and INFJs both share the same energy needs (introversion) and the same way of perceiving the world (through intuition), but there are enough differences to add a spark of interest and intrigue. Let’s take a look at each type:
INTPs are complex thinkers that love the world of possibilities and ideas. They are quietly studious yet open-minded, always looking to expand their knowledge of their favorite subjects. They want to improve and innovate, problem solve and come up with logical theories. They are fascinated by intense, often existential questions. INTPs are a rare breed, making up roughly 2.5% of the population. They are known for being intellectual, curious, and logical.
INFJs are intellectual and empathic. They live in a world of hidden meanings and symbols. They are constantly trying to determine underlying patterns and meanings that will lead to a future outcome. They have intense insights into people and are highly independent yet intensely devoted to the ones they love. The INFJ is also a rare breed, making up only 1% of the population. They are known for their integrity, thoughtfulness, and insight.
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The Joys of the INFJ/INTP Relationship:
If you look at the chart below you can see that INFJs and INTPs share two cognitive functions. Both use introverted thinking as their logical sorting process, and both use extraverted feeling to understand and “read” other people. Aside from that they share the same preferences for introversion and intuition, although the INTP uses Ne (Extraverted Intuition) while the INFJ uses Ni (Introverted Intuition).
Both INTPs and INFJs will pair their thinking with their intuitive process to try to understand complex “why” questions. They are both fascinated by the existential and will use their intuition and thinking to try to understand the meaning of life or the purpose behind everything. There are no questions that either type could have that the other one wouldn’t be open to discussing and pondering. Together these two can explore endless possibilities and unlock new discoveries and insights, each one spurring the other on towards a deeper and more holistic vision.
“My INTP just sort of understands me more than anyone ever has. He appreciates all my weird quirks and finds them adorable. I think he’s the smartest person I’ve ever met and I am constantly amazed by it.”
Stephanie, an INFJ speaking about her relationship with an INTP
INTPs and INFJs both share a preference for introversion. These two types can enjoy curling up with a good book in a quiet room and feel completely energized by the experience. Neither one is likely to push the other into social settings they aren’t ready for, and both will understand and respect the other’s need for time alone and space.
INFJs and INTPs also share a similar feeling of being outsiders in the world. Because together they make up only 3.5% of the population, they have often been misunderstood or forced into a mold that was unnatural for them. Together they feel like they can be themselves and that they are accepted for who they are. They can feel like two misfit “peas in a pod” and find comfort and solace in each other.
INTPs and INFJs share the same feeling and thinking functions but in a different order. This can be a positive thing that causes an instant connection between the two. INTPs have inferior Fe and as a result, are often attracted to the warmth of the INFJs auxiliary Fe. In turn, INFJs who have tertiary Ti are attracted to the depth and knowledge of the INTPs dominant Ti. Both types will feel that the other provides a balance and completeness to their lives. They can also help each other grow and develop in ways that are more unconscious for them. The INTP can help the INFJ have more conscious control over Ti and the INFJ can help the INTP have more conscious control over Fe.
INFJs and INTPs also tend to have an offbeat sense of humor, and when they’re together they can be as quirky as they want to be without feeling judged. They appreciate and admire each other’s unique ways of viewing the world and are intrigued by each other’s insights.
The Struggles of the INTP/INFJ Relationship:
The main struggles that these couples face have to do with the thinking/feeling difference. INTPs are extremely private individuals who believe that their love is self-evident by their actions or decision to be in the relationship. INFJs, in contrast, like to show their love frequently through actions and words and like to have regular reassurance of their partner’s feelings. Also, INTPs tend to be very unemotional and contained about their feelings and this can make the INFJ feel insecure or lonely because they like to have a regular exchange of feelings and an openness with their partner. INTPs, in turn, can feel that their INFJ partners are too emotional and too focused on their feelings. While the INFJ strives more and more to maintain harmony and open emotional communication, the INTP may pull back more and more trying to regain autonomy and space.
Another common thinking/feeling problem in this pairing stems from the INTPs tendency to be “stuck” in his or her head. INFJs have this same propensity, but they are also hyper-aware of the people in their environment, due to auxiliary Fe. As a result, the INTP may be unaware of problems that are brewing, or if they have unintentionally offended the INFJ. INTPs have a hard time understanding or picking up on the emotions of others, whereas INFJs are extremely aware of this. INFJs tend to hold in their feelings and ignore them until they reach a breaking point, and then they may lose their temper and “blow up”. This can catch the INTP off guard and cause them to retreat even further from the relationship and can leave the INFJ feeling even more helpless and frustrated than before.
The other struggle that these couples face has to do with the judging/perceiving preference. INTPs prefer to keep plans open-ended whereas INFJs prefer closure. INTPs like to have a sort of “organized chaos” in their surroundings, and INFJs are more likely to keep things neat and organized. The INFJ may feel frustrated by the INTPs spontaneity and unwillingness to settle on a “plan” and the INTP may feel nagged or pressured to settle on a decision before he or she has all the information they want to move forward. Both the INFJ and the INTP dislike dealing with routine, day-to-day tasks, but the INTP is more content to live with a little messiness while the INFJ is much less comfortable doing so. As a result, the INFJ can wind up resenting their INTP partner who leaves more of the mundane, routine activities by the wayside, inadvertently causing the INFJ to “pick up the slack”. The INTP, in turn, can feel pressured by the INFJ to spend more time attending to practical routine matters than they’d like.
It’s important to remember that there are variations within type, and not all INTPs are going to be prone to messiness and not all INFJs are going to be “neat”. This just tends to be a common struggle in these relationship pairings.
Tips for the INFJ Partner:
– Understand that your partner needs a great deal of privacy and independence.
– Approach problems directly and calmly. Try not to let frustrations simmer under the surface only to blow up later. Be as honest as possible and give the INTP time to think and give an answer or explain his side of the story.
– Try not to make comparisons about how much work you are doing versus how much work your partner is doing. If you want help with practical matters, bring it up in an understanding, calm way.
– Show appreciation for your partner’s accomplishments, intellect, and abilities.
– Try to be open to spontaneous decisions and be willing to give your partner plenty of time to make a decision. Try not to push them into a decision before they are ready.
– Try to understand that your partner is rarely mean-spirited, but may be tactless or unintentionally insensitive. When you are offended, try to bring it up to them in a very calm, understanding way.
NOTE: It’s important that both partners try to work at understanding their partner and meeting their needs. If only one partner is trying to understand the other, this can over time lead to resentment and frustration for the partner putting in all the effort.
Tips for the INTP Partner:
– Try to share your feelings and personal reactions whenever you feel comfortable. Understand that your partner will want more verbal affirmation than you do.
– Give your partner your undivided attention when they are speaking to you. Show appreciation for their empathy and warmth.
– Try to involve your partner in your projects and interests. Ask for their insights and opinions and be open to discussion.
– Don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings or be condescending about their emotions. Never refer to their emotions, values, and feelings as “illogical”.
– Try to share the burden of housework and other practical matters so that you both are doing an equal amount.
– Follow through on your commitments and try to be on-time to dates and scheduled outings. Understand that your partner will want closure more than you will and try to give them closure on decisions as soon as you possibly feel ready.
What Do You Think?
Is this post helpful? What are your experiences with the INFJ/INTP pairing. Feel free to share in the comments!
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Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
What Each Myers-Briggs® Type Needs in a Relationship
10 Things You Should Never Say to an INTP
How to Communicate Effectively with Any Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
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I know this was geared toward a romantic pairing, but it also helped me see what an amazing blessing my mom (INFJ) was to me (INTP). I can totally understand the possible pitfalls that could happen between this pairing when romantic partners, but that’s just not the same for a mother/daughter relationship…the biggest problem for us was the messiness/neat issue and she wanted me to dress “cuter” than I cared to.
Thats awesome. Im not on a relationship but I have a beatie . U can sau we have a golden relationship. Im the INTP and she is the INFJ. People in general know that im private and like my space. It also makes tons of peoplw insecure. But it noce to know its my make up, but try to make up and be extra intrested in other people.
“INTPs are extremely private individuals who believe that there love is self-evident by their actions or decision to be in the relationship.”
*their love
Thank you for catching that!!! Should be fixed now 🙂
You must be an Infj.. being correct is important to you.
i have been in a crazy close relationship with my intp man for two years now. i am an infj. and i can truly say and we both read this together and we’re not new to the whole myer briggs and our personalities types and how they work but holy crap. this article is a god send. it is 110% spot on. everything you said for us is so correct. and the practical tips at the end were so nice 🙂 even though we both sort of naturally worked out that those were the things we need to work on. awesome work!
INTP is said to be rare and most of these posts seem to hint that men are INTPs. I am a female INTP. Does anyone know the breakdown between male and female INTPs and male/female INFJs?
I don’t know the figures, but typically, INTPs are male and INFJs are female.
I have been in a relationship with a female INTP once, as a male INTP myself. Female INTPs are quite remarkable, normally I am used to be the rational part in a relationship, and my partner always urging me to show a bit more of my emotions.
In this relationship though, the roles were switched, as I had to urge her to show a little bit more of herself (emotionally). She was (and still is) awesome, but holy stickers I never thought a woman could be more rational as I am 😀
The relationship ended as it began, with a calm, pragmatic discussion and by just setting our relationship status back to friendship, which worked remarkably well.
I can say, INTPs can couple, but there is much to be missed, for example emotionality. If this is covered the relationship can deal without fighting. Ever. This is a unique trait indeed 🙂
Thought it was pretty much exactly like my own relationship (female intp, male infj) except the part of the cleanliness. It’s exactly the opposite which I thought to be funny. Interesting read.
This was a very interesting read, usually I end up in relationships with extroverts as I am an INFJ, and have always naturally been drawn to extroverts. However just recently met an INTP woman and was curious what the take on these two personalities would be. The article was spot on to my personality as an INFJ and from what I’ve been learning about her so far seems pretty accurate as an INTP. I’m quite fascinated now with where this might lead.
I like the Humor in the end of your investigation(this article)? INFJs and INTPs also tend to have an offbeat sense of humor and then “”Now available -understanding INFJ mystic”” image shows up.
At the end it started switching back and forth between he or she and they, sometimes in the same sentence. If you’d just use they, I think it would sound better, especially to people who don’t use he/she pronouns.
I’m an INFJ and have been married to an INTP for 28 years. This article is bang-on for us. We indeed have a very special relationship, and I wouldn’t trade my logical, computer-tech spouse for anything.
Im and INJF female and just ended a relationship with male INTP as my feelings were constantly hurt. We felt so connected even before meeting, and I felt he was my Twin Flame.
This helps me understand where our misunderstandings came from.
We’ve decided to remain friends but I need time to break the emotional bond before I can do that.
Not sure if we will give it another try, we’ve left it open ended. At the very least It will be a great intellectual friendship.
I am a female INTP who has slowly, painfully and surely ended a 10 year relationship with an INFJ.
One of the most difficult things to accept was the lack of compromise, and downright lack of respect. I had long hoped that there would be a kind of meeting half way on some problems, and that there would have been commitment to try to help one another, out of love and loyalty. But no, it seems the only commitment my INFJ has is to themselves and their needs.
One of the reasons I stuck it out so long is because I was not asking for much. Just being around this person, sharing life with them was a great motivator for me. I literally did do anything and everything for them because it made me happy. It went on too long. I gave so much and with the appalling behaviour that developed I began to feel completely used, having sacrificed so much for their joy, benefit and comfort. It all seemed to just make the abuse worsen.
At counselling, their response was that it was my choice to do all these things, and that while they were grateful they didn’t owe me anything. What a thing to say! And all the while my little infj cultivates a social media image as a sweet, morally irreproachable, Honourable and selfless person. The hypocrisy makes me sick with anger.
My hope now is that someday I am able to let someone else in, and trust and believe in them as I did in this relationship. I am not sure that I can again, after being so burnt.
If any INFJs are reading, please be careful with people who care about you. Even if you don’t care for them, don’t treat them like mugs to be used and abused. If you do care about them, be open to counselling or getting help if you need it, make efforts for others, step outside your comfort zone and let go of control from time to time.
Wow. Sorry to hear of your experience. Are you sure this person was an INFJ? What you described sòunds so unlike an INFJ. I can attest that I háve given much more to my relationships than what I got back I never return. Again, I am sorry to read your story. Best of luck moving forward.
I am an intp female married to an infj. We didn’t instantly click the first time we met, but we both appreciated each other’s quirks right off the bat. And within months were seriously dating. I have never met someone who gets me so well and who feels like the soulmate that is only spoken of in fairy tales. The thing is we didn’t work on paper. Our parents didn’t like this, socially it was against the norm as we were blending two very extreme cultures with our relationship. But I can’t imagine any other relationship working as well as this one. But I will say we both knew going into it that this is a partnership and our inherent selfishness needs to be put aside for us to work. If we had not worked on our weaknesses, it wouldn’t be so smooth.
Couldn’t agree with you more! My INFJ boyfriend has helped me transform into a healthy INTP woman without him noticing and vice versa.
This article describes my relationship in every way, to the point where I almost feel self conscious that my partner and I are so classically our MB types. Presumptuously, I’ll say, this isn’t an article you just ‘happen upon.’ I was doing some very intentional Googling as I wrestle with whether or not I, as the INFJ, can truly enjoy lifelong compatibility with my INTP. Thank you for giving me (hopefully, us) plenty to think about.
I am an INFJ-A (Advocate) girlfriend to my INTP-L (Logician) boyfriend and about to tie the knot .I won’t lie by saying it is conplete perfection on either side because it isn’t but i accept his spontaneity and he accepts my organized chaos. I am also schizeffective: bi polar depression type and was calculated into my personality type through Myer-Briggs testing by my psychiatrist as well and my own online testing for fun approach. My boyfriend used to drink alot and was in and out of prison his whole life up until 2015 before and after we met. But he says my warmth and acceptance of him has helped him to change especially with the birth of his second child, a son; and my second we have made together. The biggest problem we ever have is that i have a hard time explaining my feelinga out loud, i have always been a poet and a writer. And physically im reserved and seldom make the first move whereas he always speaks up and tells me how he feels physically and emotionally. He sometimes fear he is losing me even though ive been the same way all these years. I have to always on a daily basis reassure him thag he won’t ever lose his place in my heart. It can be tiresome because i wonder if he will ever trust me but it’s worth it. He had the same issues with me when we first met but he gently coaxed himself into my heart. So i guess its my turn to do the same. He is more a fire and i am more like wind. He is a strong willed physical being and well spoken. Im more hard to see, moving my speech gently until it is felt like a brief cool breeze. You cant see me but you can feel me vibes. And both of us are very intelligent.
My INFJ just ended our relationship. We only in a relationship for 7 months. But I really love her. Her reason for the breakup because she wants to be free and didnt want anything serious. I ask her to try casual relationship because I cant lose her. After one day in casual relationship i admit that I really selfish by not thinking her feeling. Her happiness does matter to me. We broke up because I dont want to torture her feeling. I hope we can still be friend.
Hio man.
I can’t relate from a romantic relationship standpoint, but I am an INTP and my mom, sister, and best friend are all INFJ. I was always wondering why we get along so well and why am so drawn to this particular personality and this article helped explain it really well. I think the was the relationship dynamics were talked about in this article are really accurate to my relationships with them.
I can’t relate from a romantic relationship standpoint, but I am an INTP and my mom, sister, and best friend are all INFJ. I was always wondering why we get along so well and why am so drawn to this particular personality and this article helped explain it really well. I think the was the relationship dynamics were talked about in this article are really accurate to my relationships with them.
Thanks so much for your input on this! I definitely love my INTP friendships, and I also have an INTP daughter (I’m INFJ) so I think this is a really special friendship/family relationship 🙂
My husband is INTP and I’m INFJ as much as we get on, his inability to comfort me and communicate emotions has near ruined us; he’s stuck in his own world to a ridiculous extent: and ended up pretending to be someone else for 5 years into our marriage through lying about pretty much everything
I don’t understand as to how the personality types are supposed to be so good in a relationship when emotional attachment is the very nature of a relationship and is something that some INTP people seem to struggle to express?
My boyfriend is INTP while I’m INFJ. When we first spoke, we clicked almost instantly and accepted each other’s quirks. I was drawn to his boisterous personality and high intellect. We accepted each other’s views of the world, which were fairly similar. Though we’re both introverted, opening up to each other was easy and we tackled a few of the problems described in this article. I do my best to tell him how I feel instead of bottling them up and he does his best to comfort and listen to me. He’s still tactless and unintentionally offends me, but I don’t take it to heart anymore. I love him unconditionally even though we have our issues. As long as we communicate, we won’t misunderstand each other.
Wow this just described me, my husband, and our entire relationship. Who knew we were so easy to figure out??
We should have been best friends for life. She wanted more than that and the relationship didn’t last long.
This was us….. as much as categories can define complex people. I would be the INFJ. Unfortunately, after some emotional affairs she has left me. Our counselors (and my) request that she become transparent with her internet passwords to rebuild the trust was against her extreme need for walls and privacy. It’s a tragedy. 4 children and 23 years. I haven’t felt Loved for a while…. but still am praying for reconciliation. She’s divorcing me. Everything I’ve tried to save this has made her run further away. This loss is too much to bare. I don’t know if I will ever stop replaying the way this has unfolded for the rest of my life. She’s hurt me. I miss her.
This is really interesting! I’m actually INFP, but could relate to some of the INFJ characteristics. I’m curious to know, how would a INFP/INTP relationship look like? What would the struggles and/or benefits be?
P.S. I really appreciate that you don’t stereotype the Myers-Briggs personalities in your articles!
I’m an INFJ female that was in a 6 month relationship with an INTP male. We are both 50. I don’t really understand why this combination is considered the golden pair; an emotional person with a person who can’t express emotion? No. I didn’t need much but received nothing in the way of emotional validation. INTPs are really very aloof and detached but do show their affection via acts of kindness and other indirect ways. This is fine, but sometimes (especially at the start of a relationship), people need vocal affirmations or some soul connection during sex. I would hesitate to date another INTP.
I’m an INFJ and my wife is an INTP. Reading this article was like looking into a mirror or reading a story about our marriage. I felt so vindicated when my emotional needs were described so well by another person. I used to poo-poo these tests as psycho babble, but after spending time doing 2 personality tests (one supervised through work, the other over the internet) and then reading subsequent material I’m starting to think otherwise. Virtually everything my wife and I have read rings so true, she especially wishes she’d known this stiff before we got married.
Thankyou.
I just learned about these infj-intp things, and I am really curious about it.
Thank you so much!
I’m an INFJ. I could relate to the struggles of being one having an INTP partner. Such a great help!
I’m an INTP with an INFJ partner, and this article has a lot of spot-on guidance for us. We actually tend the opposite way in terms of neatness; I’m much neater than her. Still, everything else has provided us a lot of understanding.
Yes! We have similar issues with my infj being messier and leaves things lying around for a very long time. It’s annoying, but a good thing that I don’t always see the mess 🤣
Very well said. I am INFJ and he is INTP. I can say for sure that he is not the type to speak loudly about their feelings, but he shows his appreciation through actions and by spending his time with me (for INTPs their time is very precious and want to use it just for persons that are special to them). I am the type to be reassured that the other loves me and why. It took me some time to understand that is hard for him to express his feelings but now I like the way he shows his love to me. And he is very intelligent and analytical and I am as well but in a different way and I like this difference between us.
In conclusion, this article is spot on and it was a pleasure to read!!
Me and my boyfriend just read this he is an INTP and I am INFJ. We both believe the article was spot on. Does this website have cameras? Because it was too accurate 😂😂😂