An In-Depth Look at the ENFP and INTJ Relationship
When it comes to romance, there’s almost no pairing more fiery than the ENFP and INTJ relationship. Although they might seem like opposites at first glance, they actually have some unique and amazing commonalities that draw them towards each other!
When it comes to dating, marriage, and attraction, most of us are attracted to someone who is strong in areas that we are weak. “Opposites Attract” is a cliche for a reason; we are looking for a balancing effect in our relationships. We want someone who can be tough when we are weak, someone who can be warm when we are cold. These things provide a complete feeling in a relationship, and the differences also create a natural curiosity and a sense of intrigue for each partner.
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Table of contents
- Why Do ENFPs Fall for INTJs (and vice versa)?
- Cognitive Functions and Attraction
- What Does This Mean?
- Benefits of the Thinking/Feeling Difference
- Benefits of the Judging/Perceiving Difference
- Benefits of the Extroversion/Introversion Difference
- The Struggles of the ENFP/INTJ Relationship
- Roadblocks in Communication
- Different Planning Styles
- Overcoming the Struggles in an ENFP/INTJ Relationship:
- The Feeling Male with the Thinking Female
Estimated reading time: 16 minutes
Why Do ENFPs Fall for INTJs (and vice versa)?
ENFPs and INTJs are both fascinated by the world of the abstract. More than concrete realities, they’re interested in what could be. They want to find depth and meaning in the creation of a new future. The ENFP will generate dozens of possibilities for the INTJ to consider, and the INTJ will pose deep insights into how the future is likely to play out.
On top of their love of ideas and future-forecasting, ENFPs and INTJs both have an inner depth that draws each other in. ENFPs believe in being true to themselves, no matter the cost and this is something that appeals to INTJs as well. They crave authenticity and uniqueness in a partner, and the ENFP can absolutely provide that.
The INTJ, in turn, has a strategic prowess and inner depth that draws the ENFP in. This “Strategist” type can help the ENFP to sort out options, find the most plausible idea, and really make their dream a reality.
Cognitive Functions and Attraction
ENFPs and INTJs may only share one letter preference in common (N for intuition) however, they share two common cognitive functions; Introverted Feeling and Extraverted Thinking (see below).
This means that both ENFPs and INTJs not only perceive the world through intuition, they also have a common feeling and thinking function, although in a separate order.
Where the ENFP will have higher knowledge and awareness of his/her own emotions and values, the INTJ will have a higher awareness of logic, structure, and efficient task completion. If you look at the cognitive function image, you can see that INTJs use Fi in the tertiary position, only one step down from the ENFPs position. The same goes for Extraverted Thinking, the ENFP has Te in the tertiary position, only one step down from the INTJs Te.
What Does This Mean?
INTJs and ENFPs are going to hit it off and experience a natural spark because they will both live and thrive in the world of ideas, possibilities, and meanings. They will feel a nearly “inside out” approach to intuition. The INTJ will have a singular focus, intense and deep, although they may think about more possibilities than they say.
The ENFP will have a broad focus, seeing numerous possibilities everywhere. The INTJ may feel that the ENFP is speaking out loud intuitive thoughts and feelings that they have internalized. The ENFP may feel that the INTJ is grasping a deeper and more focused approach and insight into their ideas and possibilities, causing them to have a clearer focus and perception themselves.
Variety is the Spice of Life:
Life is full of possibilities and excitement for the ENFP, and they have an infectious enthusiasm that draws the INTJ in. The ENFP can open up the INTJs mind to numerous possibilities and angles they may have missed before, and the INTJ can harness the ENFP’s ideas and insights and give them a clearer focus along with a plan to make them come to life. The ENFP can be a constant idea-generator whereas the INTJ can be the one who harnesses the best of those ideas, creates the plan, and together they bring the idea to life. Both partners are going to be focused on the big picture, the future, and they are going to be excited by underlying meanings, symbols, and possibilities.
Benefits of the Thinking/Feeling Difference
This difference can create a spark of interest as each partner is strong in the area the other is weak. This can also be a source of frustration (as we’ll discuss later). INTJs are drawn to the ENFP’s warm, outgoing nature, and enthusiasm. ENFPs are naturally playful, open-minded, and blessed with a good sense of humor. INTJs find in the ENFP a warm, comforting, and enthusiastic friend and partner. The ENFP partner can help the INTJ to get a better grasp of their own feelings, values, and emotions.
ENFPs, in turn, are drawn to the INTJs resolve, intellectual passion, and driven nature. INTJs have an intense focus and a natural efficiency and goal-oriented nature that is captivating to the ENFP. The INTJ can help the ENFP to be more objective in their decisions and give logic-driven perspectives that may help the ENFP to further achieve their dreams.
Benefits of the Judging/Perceiving Difference
ENFPs are attracted to the INTJs resolve and commitment. INTJs are single-minded in their vision and are determined to meet their goals. They have a strong ability to hold their ground and stick to their schedule and plan without being swayed. This is admirable to the ENFP, who often feels tossed and turned by their many ideas and visions for the future and has a harder time settling on just one. The INTJ can help the ENFP stick to a time management plan and can make their dreams more of a possibility with their efficiency at setting up plans and timelines.
In the same respect, INTJs are attracted to the open-minded and inspirational nature of the ENFP. The ENFP can introduce new angles and perspectives that the INTJ in their intense, single-minded vision may have missed. In their singular focus and their penchant for efficiency, INTJs can miss details or alternatives that can greatly improve the creativity and excellence of their work. ENFPs can help broaden their scope and together they can achieve almost anything they set their minds to.
Benefits of the Extroversion/Introversion Difference
ENFPs are considered one of the least extroverted extroverts, and for this reason, there’s not as big of a contrast with this pairing as there would be with an INTJ and certain other extroverts. You can see this in the MBTI® Manual in a section about the different types and their values. A national sample was asked to indicate how important 11 values were in their lives on a scale of “Very important”, “Somewhat Important”, or “Not Important”. ENFPs listed Autonomy as their fourth most important value. ESTPs and ENTPs are the only other extroverts who listed autonomy as one of their top 5 most important values. ENFPs shared autonomy as a value with INTJs, along with home/family, health, and financial security.
The INTJ can really enjoy the ENFPs extroversion. That whole opposite attraction has a strong pull here! INTJs are fascinated by the ENFP’s ability to liven up the atmosphere and are impressed by their skill at connecting with people in an insightful way.
ENFPs, in turn, are attracted to the quiet, intellectual nature of the INTJ. In the INTJ they find someone calm and sage-like to come home to. They can enjoy curling up with a good book together, or discussing all their ideas and dreams over a cup of coffee. There is something perceptive and intense about the INTJs quiet, focused nature. ENFPs are also very intellectual, so these two types can really get into some fascinating, drawn-out conversations about the meaning of life, philosophy, or any other number of topics.
The Struggles of the ENFP/INTJ Relationship
One of the biggest struggles with the ENFP/INTJ relationship is their different social needs. ENFPs crave interaction with the outside world. They are stimulated by meeting new people and experiencing new atmospheres. These interactions trigger their Intuition and allow them to be inspired. They will feel stifled if they are cooped up too much in the house and not allowed to meet new and interesting people or experience and explore places they’ve never been before.
INTJs have dominant Introverted Intuition. They need a lot of time alone; in fact, they are one of the most introverted introverts. In order for them to really be in their element as Ni-dominant individuals, they need plenty of space, quiet, and tranquility. They will feel caged in and over-stimulated if they have to spend too much time engaging with others. They especially hate interruptions to their projects, whereas ENFPs are often excited by interruptions and distractions and see them as an opportunity to explore something new. INTJs can enjoy visiting new places and seeing new sights, they can even enjoy the occasional social outing, but they need to be allowed much more time to recharge than many other types.
Roadblocks in Communication
Communication struggles can also be an issue in this pairing. ENFPs are concerned with harmony and will try to avoid conflict as much as possible. They tend to take criticism personally and may want more positive affirmation than the INTJ naturally provides. INTJs tend to be blunt and straightforward with their criticisms, and they can unintentionally hurt their partners’ feelings.
ENFPs, as extroverts, tend to process their thoughts out loud most of the time. Because their dominant function is Extraverted Intuition, they may want to ‘talk out’ their ideas, their insights, all the possibilities around them. They may also want to be checking in regularly on their partner to make sure everything is good in their relationship. The INTJ, in reverse, internalizes many of their thoughts and ideas and tries to stick to one idea and get rid of any distractions to that idea. The ENFP can seem intrusive to the INTJ and the INTJ can seem cold and harsh to the ENFP when their communication preferences collide.
INTJs also don’t share their feelings as readily as ENFPs do. The ENFP is much more aware of their feelings because introverted feeling is their second most conscious function. INTJs, in contrast, are less aware because introverted feeling is in their tertiary position. It can take them a while to really understand or pinpoint how they feel and so they can feel irritated if the ENFP is regularly asking them about their feelings or asking them to exhibit emotions that don’t come as naturally to them. This can cause the INTJ to feel pressured to regularly be accessing a function that isn’t in their natural comfort zone, and this can also cause the ENFP to feel that they can’t connect emotionally as much as they would like.
One upside to the feeling/thinking difference is that in mid-life most people develop their tertiary function quite a bit. This means that the INTJ will be developing Introverted Feeling in their thirties and forties, and the ENFP will be developing Extraverted Thinking in their thirties and forties. As a result, if these couples can stick it out they often find themselves forming new bonds in mid-life and being able to express themselves better to each other.
Different Planning Styles
As Perceivers, ENFPs like to keep their plans open-ended for as long as possible. They like to have the freedom to cancel, switch plans, or spontaneously do things as inspiration strikes. They love surprises and tend to be impulsive. One of the great things about this quality is that it allows them to find new inspirations for their life and their projects that they might have missed otherwise. However, this can cause clashes with the INTJ.
The INTJ is far different in their planning style than the ENFP. They like things to be planned out ahead of time, and they like to have closure on all their decisions. Leaving things open-ended stresses them out, and they usually hate surprises. They enjoy having a structure in their life, knowing what to expect, and having everything organized and neatly planned. As a result, these partners can wind up driving each other out of their respective comfort zones, creating chaos and conflict.
This difference can, at times, be a good thing. The ENFP can help the INTJ to see new perspectives and introduce them to new experiences they may actually enjoy. The INTJ can help focus the ENFPs ideas and find a sense of calm and direction in their life.
Overcoming the Struggles in an ENFP/INTJ Relationship:
For the ENFP Partner:
- Give your partner plenty of time to think and be alone with their musings. Steer clear of interrupting them, as interruptions are a huge source of frustration for INTJs.
- Respect the INTJs need for routine and planning and try not to cancel too many plans at the last minute.
- Try to take an interest in the things that your partner is interested in. Chances are, this can be the source of many amazing conversations and a greater friendship.
- Understand that when your partner gives criticism they aren’t trying to hurt you. They naturally see flaws and things that could be improved, but they mean no ill-intent by offering advice or saying what they think should be changed. If this does bother you regularly, just tell them. Make sure they know and try not to hold in bitterness regarding this.
- Try not to push your partner into too many social situations. Small gatherings with just a few close friends are almost always preferred by INTJs. If you feel the need to socialize more but your partner isn’t interested, feel free to go out and socialize without them. This way you get your energy needs met without pulling the INTJ out of his/her source of energy (introversion).
- Try to follow through on things you say you’ll do and try to be on time to any dates or appointments you’ve made.
- Don’t expect the INTJ to be spontaneous often. Try to schedule in time for special things you want to do together so they aren’t caught off guard.
- Try to open your mind to the perspective the INTJ is offering. They have a great ability to stay objective and see logical, efficient ways to get things done. If there’s a decision you’re struggling with, the INTJ can be a wonderful confidant and advisor who will give you an objective and insightful answer. Ni-dominant types are great at knowing what steps to take to achieve a future outcome. Definitely take advantage of this unique ability of theirs!
For the INTJ Partner:
- Try to respect your partner’s feelings and emotions, and try to be as open about your own as possible.
- Try to make time for social engagements now and then. It’s more comfortable to retreat into your own private space, but it can make the ENFP feel lonely. You don’t have to overdo it, but going to an occasional social event can help to make your ENFP feel loved and happy to be able to share that experience with you.
- Be especially attentive when your partner is sharing their emotions.
- Try to give positive affirmation to your partner regularly, especially when they do something nice for you.
- Emphasize positive aspects of your partner before giving criticism, and remember that they tend to take criticism personally so try to give it gently.
- Be up front and open about things that bother you so that you don’t let things simmer inside for too long and then explode. Try to express your needs, especially when it comes to planning things or getting some time alone.
- Try to open your mind to the perspectives the ENFP is offering. Ni-dominant types tend to have an intense focus on one way to get things done, or one project and they can be irritated by deviations from that plan (I know, I’m an INFJ), but try to take a moment to really listen to what the ENFP is saying. ENFPs are incredible at seeing creative and imaginative alternatives and possibilities. They may have an insight or idea that could really improve your life!
The Feeling Male with the Thinking Female
Female INTJs and male ENFPs enjoy a very unique bond, but there are some special qualities to this particular relationship. Female INTJs often face many societal pressures to conform to a more ‘feeling’ role. Men, likewise, are often pressured to conform to a more ‘thinking’ style. These two types often face difficulties growing up, possibly being made to feel that they are somewhat inadequate. The woman may be told she’s not ‘ladylike’ or nurturing enough, and the male may get told he needs to ‘man up’ more because he happens to show emotions. In relationships, it’s important to be aware of the difficulties that each type may have faced because of outside pressures. ENFP men may have had to stifle a lot of their emotions and sensitivities because of external pressures, and INTJ women have probably had to develop a more feeling type of role. As a result, many ENFP males seem less ENFP-like than ENFP females. In the same respect, many INTJ females seem less extreme in their INTJ nature externally than INTJ men.
“I get told I’m too sensitive a lot, and people conclude that because I’m a man showing emotions that I’m a “wimp”. ENFP men are not wimps. I can provide plenty of intellectual stimulation and I’ve overcome a lot in my life. I feel a great pressure not to talk about my emotions or feelings, and I hope that one day when I’m in a relationship I don’t have to do that anymore. That I can just be me.”
– Ethan, an ENFP male
INTJ women face many of the same struggles.
“I was raised in an ultra-conservative and traditional family where women were supposed to be the nurturers and empaths. Not only were those seen as feminine traits but it was assumed that a girl would have and be drawn to only certain things because of her sensitive and emotional nature.
This never felt like it fit me and made me feel something was wrong with me.”
– Rebecca, an INTJ female
It’s important to be aware of the issues these two types face so that both partners are aware of the obstacles they may have had to overcome. It’s important for both types to allow their partner to be exactly who they are, and not feel stifled or that they have to bury parts of themselves anymore. A happy relationship is built on trust, and part of that trust is being able to know without a doubt that you can embrace your personality wholeheartedly without fear of judgment. This means that it’s especially important to not make fun of things you see your partner doing that don’t fit your mental image of what is ‘ladylike’ or ‘manly’. ENFP men can be the ones to not push the INTJ female into a cookie-cutter, sensing feeling role. INTJ women can be the one who understands that the ENFP male has a strong emotional intelligence and appreciate that about them fully.
What Do You Think?
Do you have any thoughts to add to this article or any suggestions for ENFPs and INTJs in a relationship? Let me know in the comments.
Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist, and The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
10 Things That Excite the ENFP Personality Type
10 Things That Excite the INTJ Personality Type
What You Need to Know Before Dating Any Myers-Briggs® Personality Type
All About INTJs
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Fantastic article and the best explanation I have read detailing the essence of the INTJ and ENFP relationship. Thanks so much!
Thank you!! So glad it was helpful!!
This is GREAT! I am an INTJ and my husband is an ENFP, and we have been married for 21 years this May! 🙂
Wow! Congratulations!! You’ll have to share some of your tips and secrets for others in this pairing (if you want to of course!) Thanks for reading!
Really enjoyed the article, it’s well researched. I am an INTJ and wifey is an ENFP…we had plenty of AHA moments while reading. Even better, the article provides us with several tools to use to make our already great relationship even better. Thanks for posting it up.
Oh sheet. This is awesome. You really got me at the male ENFP and female INTJ part. My INFJ friend and I tried hitting off before, but my Fi and her Fe became a frequent cause of conflict between us. I’ve been consciously using my Fi more and more to the point that my results, which had never changed before for almost a decade, has now finally changed to xNFP. Reading your article gives me more passion to enhance my Te before doing my best to seek and live with an INTJ. Thank you for writing such a wondeful article.
I’m an intj and I think about a certain enfp quite a bit…
They can be quite unforgettable 🙂
Thank you so much for the male/female gender paragraph. As an intj female who has dated a few enfp males, this really resonated.
Oh, I’m so glad it was helpful! I can’t really take credit for that, an ENFP male requested I write specifically about that in the article 🙂
INTJ female dating an ENFP… very interesting, we can’t seem to get away from each other.
Great, thoroughly researched and well written piece! My husband (intj) and I (enfp) related to the entire thing and we appreciated the insights. It felt like you had been observing our relationship for the past 15 years. Thanks for writing this. I look forward to reading more of your articles!
I dont see any gender variable applied about male enfp and male intj. I think both personalities affected each other beyond gender variable. Me and my bestfriend (male) also me and my partner, face and experience the same things with male and female couple or relationship. Both embrace each others weakness and strenghts. And as for me, ENFP male, really look up into assertiveness and dedications from INTJ could possibly shown to others, and the way they’re interacting in social life, really pulled me back in a very positive way and learn to look up the quality of eavh social groups or people i close the most. And thank you for your articles, this is like an englightment to me.
Very accurate article. I enjoyed reading it! I’m an ENFP woman married to an INTJ man. One thing I have noticed is when I talk out loud about thoughts or ideas, my husband tends to assume I’ve been thinking about it a while and made up my mind–and that’s why I’m saying it. Then when I say the exact opposite a few minutes or days later, I find that he has already been planning and focused on my original statement. It can be jarring for him and surprising for me, but he’s learned to ride the waves of inspiration/spontaneity, while I’ve learned to be explicit about the fact that I’m just musing aloud. We are the best of friends, and your advice is spot on!
My two best friends are ENFP and my new boyfriend is too – why was I attracting so many fun people when I’m so cold and isolated!? Haha 🙂 this article was fun.
I am an ENFP and my girlfriend is an INTJ. I must admit, this is quite accurate. “Quite” because things still may defer from another relationship. But I enjoyed this! Sharingnit with her now.
totally can relate. I’m an INTJ and my boyfriend is ENFP.
I’m enforcing female and my husband is intj male.
I think in our relationship you appreciate the sacrifices we make for each other because it’s not easy like others. Some Fridays I stay home and Netflix because he wants to and on Wednesdays he comes to a bible study group because he knows it’s important to me. I would love to find some more research about decision making that’s where we fight the most and parenting styles
This is great! It’s totally accurate, I am an INTJ female, who is totally clueless when it comes to relationships… and having it all laid out for me really helps. I like an ENFP male very much, but I’m not good at reading signs but I hope SOMEDAY he will come straight out and tell me. 😉 This was helpful!
Hi Peggy,
Don’t wait for your ENFP male to tell you how he feels. That’s not how ENFPs work. Tell him how you feel, and see how he responds. Be specific about what you like about him, that will speak to him. He can be quite insecure, even if he fancies you, if you’re the right one for him. But if you can make him feel loved, by telling why you love him, than you are the right one. Don’t expect him to tell you first just because he is the man. If you’re sure, just go for it!
Thank you for your advice, I might just take it. 🙂
Hey Sander!
So, I’ve had a crush on that guy at school for a while now but we never talked, like, ever. But there was always that weird connection like, we’d make eye contact all the time and I just thought maybe I have a chance.
So I mustered all the courage I had and wrote a letter to give to him because I couldn’t palossibly talk to him because of my social anxiety.
I don’t know what personality type he is because I never asked but I think he’s an ENFP based on what I observed and what I saw online about them (I’m an INTJ girl btw).
Anyways, now that I think about it, I can’t get over the fact that my dumb self wrote him a whole two page letter and I didn’t even express my feelings or tell him anything good. I mainly said something around the lines of “I was scared to talk to you because your friends are douchebags”. I’m so freaking dumb tbh.
I’m scared I killed all my chances. Do you think I did?
Any advice on long-distance relationships? I’m an INTJ woman, he’s an ENFPs.
Im INTJ female, he is ENFP male, on and off for 3 years, partially long distance relationship, different time zones. Didn’t work for us. He needs constant reassurance and I don’t express my feelings and emotions easily, verbally. As a result he usually cuts me off , then we are back to each other when we meet again, then it is good for a month or two on skype, until he accuses me for me being and acting cold, his feelings gets hurt, and he cuts me off again. I sent him my profile describtion many times, he doesnt get it.
I especially liked the last section about INTJ females and ENFP males and their struggles with traditional gender roles. As an INTJ male, this doesn’t necessarily apply to me but I know a few couples that fit these types and genders and the insight into their world is helpful. It’s also nice to see an extremely rare pairing being talked about here, since ENFPs are 4x more likely to be women than men, and INTJs are twice as likely to be men than women, I imagine there isn’t a whole lot of literature on this topic so I’m glad to see it talked about here. 🙂
I was about to say “I think INTJs were a 20s phase for me,” then I thought oh gerd, typical ENFP everything is a phase for you!
It was important to learn that just because someone isn’t saying anything doesn’t mean they are deep and accessing things you need to dedicate 5 years to digging out of there.
I’m an ENFP and I’ve been casually dating this INTJ for the past year. He’s my fwb every time I’m single because he’s so busy (he owns a business). He’s just not in the position to have any kind of relationship because he plans on traveling the world and selling his house here, that’s why I’ve never taken him seriously. Also I have two children from two different fathers (it’s a long story but something I decided logically), and I feel that it might be embarrassing to him since he doesn’t want any children and doesn’t feel comfortable around them (He’s never met my children, but I did bring my son and Mom to one of his events to support him since he asked if I could).
Well, just the other day I took the Briggs test and was so excited to have such an accurate description of my personality. I’ve been asking every guy that’s interested in dating me to take it (I am curious more than anything, since I’m trying to disprove Greek Zodiac dating theory, since I’ve never been attracted to my zodiac matches and it’s frustrating when it comes to choosing someone to date). He took it and viola! He’s my perfect match, an INTJ! I honestly wasn’t expecting that.
I really like that he’s reserved and sensitive and he’s so smart (I’m starting my own business and he’s helping me with advice on how to start it), but like I said earlier he’s just a fwb! What do I do? It’s funny because I never get bored with him, he’s always stimulating my thoughts and we have really good chemistry, and we’ve never really had any disagreements and I would never do anything to hurt him (I’m normally drama to every other guy I date, but with him I don’t need to be, because he’s true to his word).
It’s my dream to be in a loving relationship, I am a true ENFP after all, and I long to find that perfect match (I’ve been single 2 years! Which is an eternity for me). I don’t want to come in the way of his Dreams obviously I believe it would be good for him to get out of his head and stop working for a change.
I know INTJs are super rare to find, should I do something to stay in touch? Will he think of me when he’s gone and decide he wants to be with me? I feel like since we’re just fwb, he won’t think twice about me and I would eventually forget him too. Should I do something to leave my mark? If he’s perfect for me shouldn’t I do something? My heart isn’t attached to him, but should it be?
Hi Rose, That sounds tough. :/ I’m an ENFP and also head over heels for an INTJ who won’t be sticking around (geographically)… It sucks because I really feel like I’ve found something special. Shoot me an email sometime! Maybe we can help to analyze each other’s stories. 🙂
I had this same situation, its critical to be true to yourself be vulnerably honest and set standards. Communicate W love and empathy and tell your INTJ how you feel. He or she may not be able to process this right away. However, don’t forget they are introverts and STATE YOUR FEELING BUT STAY TRUE TO YOUR OWN PERSONAL STANDARDS NOT ONLY… will he admire this approach you might just hook your PERFRCT PARTNER !
Your children are more important. As soon as I’ve read that he is not cool with kids, I thought – good-bye. There are plenty of other guys. Don’t date because of “perfect match”, there are so many variables and my husband is ESTJ and we get along perfectly. It’s easier to see from distance than when you are so close to the situation.
Rose, I’m an INTJ male and absolutely love children, I have all my life. I even used to get chosen over my two sister to babysit the neighborhood kids because i actually played with them. My sisters absolutely hated I was making all the money and saving it! I guess I was honing my INTJ skills back then.
So the moment I read he didn’t want children a BIG red flag came up. I raised 4 children with my ENFP wife (2 mine from previous marriage and 2 hers from previous) and have 3 grandchildren.
Don’t waste your time with someone who doesn’t want or feel comfortable around children.
Oh and after 26 years with my ENFP wife this article NAILS IT.
I am an ENFP and my boyfriend’s an INTJ. We were acquaintances through a close common friend initially. We met exactly twice during the first three years of our acquaintance-ship. And then he went to another continent to pursue higher education.
Our almost non-existent bond changed to friendship over time. We went on to became best friends and eventually lovers. All of this over a period of another 3 years, never having met once since we wre geographically apart.
Already been a year since we became a couple but met him for the third time per se, but only for the first time for “real” about 6months back. We got engaged then. Of course, he went back a month later because he’s not done studying yet. I’ll only see him qgain after a year.
So yes, we kicked off our friendship and our relationship in long distance. Luckily, he’s the most well-suited person for me. I couldn’t have asked for more. We connect at an other-wordly level. And we never run out of topics to talk about. Our core values are a perfect match. And yes he loves kids. He wants them more than I do. His loyalty and devotion is unparalleled. We are each other’s priority and will always be. We were, we are, and we’ll always be best friends before anything else. We love each other’s company and never get bored of each other. I have a huge circle of close friends, as expected of an enfp, but we never have an argument over that because I am quite an introverted enfp myself. He’s more than happy being left alone to be by himself every once in a while. Not just that, we also are thoroughly comfortable being in the same room and doing our own thing. I value his insights when it comes to making certain objective decisions, and he mine when it comes to creative ones. Works perfectly for us. We constantly communicate through texts, calls, memes and videocalls. Trust me, long distance relationships are not rocket science. Don’t let your intj go if you are sure he/she’s the one. Because they are indeed rare. But enfps, too, aren’t too commonly found. As much as we hate rejections, we are suckers for an honest conversation. Have it. Get your answers. Don’t writhe in the what-could-bes when it comes to your people. Especially the right ones!
All the best!!
Much love.. ?
Agree!Me and my INTJ bf are in long term distance already for 2 year !We are fine with it for now
Hi Rose,
I hope this comment can be helpful, even a year and a half later. I know that I, as an ENFP, have a very long emotional timescale–a year and a half is nothing. I have been with my INTJ husband for 29 years now and I may have an action plan for you. I would sit down with him and have a very honest vulnerable conversation…and this is just based on my reading of your situation…let him know that though you’ve mutually agreed to a casual relationship, you’ve come to realize that you’ve put your heart in jeopardy. Over time you’ve come to understand that the connection you share is unusual and special to you and that if you were to continue in this arrangement, you would essentially be sacrificing your dignity and your heart. This is not a healthy thing for an ENFP to do. Your Fi will skewer you for the rest of your life if you do. Now I would also explain why you would hesitate to jump into a full-blown normal relationship with him, that you don’t want to devote all your energy and love to someone who is ultimately incompatible with you as a mother to your children. Your children are your heart. You can explain that you have to put him in the uncomfortable position of having to decide whether a possible life with you and your children is something he wishes to embark on or not, and that you must put yourself in the uncomfortable position of of possibly losing him entirely. If you do lose him entirely, then your heart will break but you will be set free to find another love and you will know that you didn’t just cut and run from something that could have been great. If he is a “true to his word” INTJ, he won’t take this lightly and will be true to his word if he decides to make that commitment. In my life, I have seen my INTJ husband make blanket conclusive statements about not wanting to do something and then slowly come around to really enjoying the thing. Now you can’t take any chances with your children, which is why he has to decide to make a commitment (not necessarily put a ring on your finger today, or even next year, but a commitment to give the relationship a real shot). When an INTJ makes a conscious decision to move forward with something it can be a sight to behold. I sometimes joke that my husband is the unstoppable force and the immovable object all rolled into one. I hope that is helpful to you or perhaps another ENFP stuck in limbo out there.
Forgot to add…give him a few weeks to sort it out. I wouldn’t pressure him for an immediate answer..I know it will be very difficult to hang there like that but it will be worth it.
This is an incredible article. I am an INTJ and by boyfriend is an ENFP. This article describes us exactly and makes me feel much more comfortable moving forward with him. I now know why we clash when it comes to certain subjects but gives me hope that we can find common ground.
I wish the opposite would’ve been explained – an ENFP female & an INTJ male at the end of the article. Only one side was projected. I’m an ENFP & my boyfriend is an INTJ. We care about each other a lot but we need guidance. Thank you! The article was pretty accurate & helped me understand him better. We are both in our 60’s and want to make this work…
My wife in INTJ and I am ENFP. I recently learnt about attachment theory and personify types among other things. Seems logical that an INTJ has an avoidant attachment and I the ENFP has an anxious attachment style. We have been together 25 years and it has been a roller coaster to say the least. The love can be intense and the heartbreak as intense. I read with exhilaration the “anxious / avoidant dance” as we have done so for years now. It was actually relieving to read that our life was almost a playbook and we played the starring roles perfectly. I push and she pulls, so I push more and she pulls further. Anyway knowing that we both have issues is one thing. Getting my INTJ wife motivated to address the issues we have, so far impossible. We past breaking point too long ago. By me the ever optimist ENFP looking for any glimmer of positivity in the harsh critical marriage keeps rolling over to keep the peace. So many boxes ticked in the above article, add in there abandonment issues and being hyper sensitive and wow even more boxes ticked. The positive side, that’s hard right now, we have just separated. I wish they taught this stuff in schools. Emotions and feelings are so important.
My hubby & I are the same as you were: he’s ENFP, I’m INTJ. (And I’m typing on a phone so this won’t be a perfect reply..)
I feel for you. We’ve been married for 13 mostly difficult years but have had some really amazing times & connections. He’s 9 years older than me & we married when I was 27 & already had a 7 year old son so there was a little bit of stress involved or too many changes for me in too short of a time while I was trying to solve world peace in my head. Add in severe financial issues shortly after we married and we both were just trying to survive. Fast forward to now & it’s settled down but we both still have times of doubt & we have to be careful not to hurt one another. Often I think he worries that he won’t be “enough” for me. And in the last year I finally decided just to be honest about what I had figured out about myself….. that is, he most likely won’t be “enough”, but he is always enough when i am with him. Sometimes I can’t have him all the time, it would drive me nuts even though I miss him or I feel horrible that I’d rather be alone. And I realize if I don’t find the mental stimulation somewhere else that I’ll take out my frustration on him for making me only give my attention to him. And then I feel like I’m defying the natural order of society by being honest (my family is mostly conservative & I’m a free thinker. ) I practiced with something like “I NEED that mental stimulation, & it needs to be about what I’m interested in, which isn’t always what you are, & that’s ok, isn’t it? And yes I get along better with guys, always have, less drama & yes, I get excited when I am mentally stimulated & guys take that connection too far at times, & no I have no idea how to deal with your jealousy though I mostly understand it.” And that’s pretty much where we are now. Communicating better for the first time since we both just held on and tried to get through it. We’re both making an effort though I’m very concerned that the truth is that I’m not enough for him. He may truly need more attention from me while I can just find more mental stimulation from other sources when he’s not able to provide it & then he will get jealous of that. I feel like we may be at a standstill in our relationship growth if we can’t find a solution. And we both crave moving forward, or at least thinking/ feeling we are & will get tired of running in circles. I have pretty good stamina though if I have even a sliver of insight that might shed ideas into my head & thus give me hope for the future. Then I’m able to give my ENFP hubby hope for today.
So if you’re out there and anything you read sounds the least bit familiar, can you offer any insight? Anyone?
Hey,
I’m an ENFP dating an ENTP, in a LDR… We used to talk about all the things. ALL. THE. THINGS. And he recently found an online group of people that better meets his mental stimulation needs than I do… And I’m insanely jealous. He talks to a lot of women. I’m insanely rage jealous. One of them has the audacity to be amazing and intellectual and they were attracted to each other… And he fessed up about it after they’d been talking for 5 months… I’m having a wicked hard time getting over that.
But he keeps insisting he wants to be with me and no one else…
I feel set aside.
I miss him
I’m driving him away with my neediness
I’m angry about where we are
I don’t know how to fix it
All that to say… If he would just take a break and be with just me for a bit. Let me come to terms with things without the abrasion being ever present. I’d really appreciate that.
As it is, the distance is so painful, and the emotional pain is so much… I’m sure that sounds dramatic, but it really does hurt.
Also… The ENFP probably does not want to spend time with other people, right now, because they want you… But it would help if they did get out… Except that it’ll feel like they’re being pawned off on other people and they want you… That’s how I feel.
I swear… If I could just have a few weeks with just him, I’d feel better. I need that
I hope you guys can come together.
Good luck
Wayne, I would also like to ask if you’re wife was mostly just “disinterested” in some type of therapy or working through issues OR was it something she would just never do? Personally I wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t intellectually interested in it which is usually because I don’t currently see that it would be effective. It doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be in the future & I always recognize this can change. I get around this with those I love by really getting involved with thinking about what the goal is and what information I’ll need to get there. If it’s not interesting & seems dull then I often won’t want to do it, though I will if pushed enough….. the only exception would be if it’s dull AND emotionally difficult AND seen as ineffective. Nope, count me out. I’ve literally had to come up with games I play with myself about our relationship so I can measure it & guage if it’s getting better overall, and experiments, etc. It’s not that I’m cold, or I wouldn’t try so hard to maintain mental stimulation about something that does bore me sometimes….
If you want to answer if she was just disinterested or truly just too hurt at this point in time I’m all ears. I’m very intrigued & also feel like we could help each other.
Best article on the internet. I’m an INFJ and my husband is ENFP. Every word in this article is so true.. exactly explains our relationship.
I absolutely loved this article, it was so spot on. I am an INTJ and my husband is an ENFP, and we actually got married the date of this article lol! There was an instant attraction and spark ever since we became friends and through the years of knowing him I have loved that we make each other better and that our differences only strengthen our relationship. We just had our first daughter and I am excited to see how our different personalities come into play as parents. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but I have never had a more fulfilling relationship. It is definitely worth it working through our problems.
Enfp male, intj wife. Wonderfully analytical article. This should be required reading for all such couples.
I’m so glad you found the article helpful – thanks so much for your kind comment! – Susan
As I have started to learn more about Meyers- Briggs, I strongly disagree with the theory of ENFPs matching best with INTJs. I am an ENFP who dated an INTJ for two and a half year, ending in a broken engagement because of our differences. While we loved discussing intellectual topics in the earlier stages of our relationship, as time passed, we often would be communicating on two entirely different planes. He could not understand my more colored and emotional prospective, while his straightforward way of looking at things was helpful at times, but also frustrated and constrained my thought process.
Also, as is common with INTJs, they are very critical and straight forward with this criticism. They criticize in the hopes of bettering their partner. However, ENFPs are people pleasers, want to make their partner happy, and take criticism to heart. I often felt I would hear many negative comments or critiques but this was never countered with positive affirmation and with time became discouraging.
ENFPs are also extremely affectionate and playful. INTJs can not meet this in kind, which puts the ENFP in the position of being the nurturer for the majority of the relationship. The ENFP will not receive the type of affection and care they crave, while the INTJ will not receive the logic and intellectual discussions they desire. Ultimately, leaving both partners unsatisfied.
Plus, add on that both partners are lawyers and you have a whole big mess!
As an INTJ male I find your comment to be most enlightening, thanks for sharing. Also as an INTJ I really do not see the appeal of an opposite personality. We find relationships hard enough without having to deal with foreign idiosyncrasies. Don’t take that personally its just my blunt nature. (grin)
i am an intj male married to an enfp female. both of us grew up in dysfunctional environments, me without my mother and growing up with an alcoholic father( no offense intended to him. he did his best) and she grew up with a paranoid schizophrenic mother who was an alcoholic and was molested by her brother. She went through 3 marriages before me with the first husband nearly beating her to death. no children from those btw. When we met neither of us was looking, it was fate. ( in retrospect we discovered we had 3 seperate mutual acquantances that had been trying to get us together for over 5 yrs.) It was love at first sight . I was lonely shy and scared of being used and i felt her presence was like an aspect of nature itself calling from a half remembered dream. I KNEW i had met my wife and 6 months later we married. We have been together 25 yrs with 3 wonderfully adapted children in spite of our collective pasts. She has had problems with anxiety and depression her entire adult life not to mention inflammatory breast cancer at 37. I brought some strange mix of self obsessed immaturity (me first) and passive manipulation (bcos i knew just how smart i was) into the relationship but we survived this and addictive issues that we are still coping with. Our big turn around had to start with me. I had became overly sensitive emotionally in my attempts to understand and please her and this culminated in my attempted suicide when i realized i had married my father ( I would never amount to anything, i was a jinx ) As I recovered I realized where it got screwed up and accepted full responsibility . I turned off those reactive emotional switches. I still have emotions but now they are genuine, embracing the sorrow and joy of every situation. It has to start with the male. If he is not being a truly self realized and aware human being then the female will begin trying to perform his role as well which always leads to mom telling you what to do. If the male begins to fulfill his role then things can BEGIN to change for the better. Unlike most intjs i have a deep abiding interst in esoteric /occult/spiritual matters. I was drawn to this as a child. I also have a keen insight and education in quantum physics. In my research into spiritual matters I have seen the connections between these two opposing areas and I must tell you there is no opposition. Its all right here in front of everyone at every moment but its up to us to materialize it. You have to walk the path to know the path.
Relationships are not only between romantic couples, one of my best friends is INTJ and I am ENFP.
This article completely defines our relationship. I do love how well it is explained.
I must say though that for people that feel they collide with their opposite and see it no posible outcome…. They might be to enclosed on their own traits not seeing the beauty of the personal growth that a different type can actually let you get.
Also this personality traits do not explain very well where a person is in its personal development. It could be that they are not in a very healthy level of development, which means their weakness and fears will be stronger than the good traits of their personality.
I do recommend reading into Enneagram personality types to get a deeper understanding of yourself, your partner/colleague, and your personal development.
What is it that work for some and not others???
You will probably find it there.
This is spot on. I’m ENFP, my husband INTJ. Married 12 years. My 3rd his 2nd. I’m in my 50’s he in 60’s. We have 2 children each from first marriages. 6 collective grandkids.
He gets me! Until I read this article I never understood why we work together so well. He tells me often, he loves how I can make any situation positive. I tell him how much I admire his ability to know exactly how to keep me on track. The list is long on our compatibility. Our one routine that we hold sacred is our morning coffee. We have been raising 2 of my biological grandkids for almost 2 years. He is the one who keeps us focused and organized.
I could go on and on.
I read the previous replies. It’s not just the personality types. It needs to be the right person. Just know if it takes too much energy to try to make it work, it’s not the right one.
spot on!
I think this is a great and highly well written perceptive article. It’s not the emotions of ENFPs that are bothersome, it’s the fickleness in everything they do. You can’t get finality on even being consistent on showing up for dates let alone commitment in relationships due to their constant need to explore and “keep it casual.” I enjoy travel just as well but I’m not a commitment phone and they give me Peter Pan vibes. Like you have to look after them like children. Not a fan of this pairing at all and experienced it many times.
This article helps a lot: the INTJ female and ENFP male part is really great. That’s our relationship.
I’m the INTJ female, technically in love with an ENFP. It would be great to learn some tips on how to further develop a relationship and be able to express how I feel since I do find it difficult explaining feelings most of the time..
Take time to fully analyze your feelings and decide how you want to say what you want to say. This is for YOUR benefit, btw. You don’t have to be perfect at it for an ENFP. Then don’t be shy about expressing yourself to him. The ability of ENFP men to comprehend and embrace emotion is almost overwhelming. They get it. I mean, they REALLY get it. If he feels for you in return, he’ll be very happy that you’re connecting with him on his level. Then just let him take the lead on the emotional part of the relationship. He’s better at it! Unlike other guys you may have dated, he’ll let you know how he wants the emotional interactions to go down. It’s seriously amazing. And remember to express anything negative VERY gently should the need arise and coat all criticism with lots of affection and affirmation. – INTJ woman in a relationship with a completely enchanting ENFP man for several years
Lol! Only an INTJ female would say she is “technically in love!”
Hi, I am an INTJ male
Ser ENFP y compartir la experiencia de la realidad con un INTJ y que además somos la persona correcta para el otro hace que el mundo sea un lugar mágico y de significados profundos
I’m an ENFP female and have been fascinated with these personality types for a while. It’s bought a lot to the concious about how I see the world, which I really appreciate, and given me a whole other scope for me to think about.
What’s crazy is my twin sister is INFP. Basically the introvert of me.
I was wondering what an ENFP female and INTJ male relationship would look like. What do you guys who read this think?
I’m an intj male currently taking to an enfp female. If things continue to go well I will let you know!
How did it go?
Oooh any updates?
I am INTJ male
Wow that article was interesting, it explains the great connection that formed extremely fast between me (INTJ) and my best friend and also why my last relationship failed. The struggles that stem from the differences grew stronger over time
It’s not working for me though.
6 happy years with ENFP male! This is super accurate!
Excellent read. Very accurate. It was humourous to read my intj personality traits from the perspective of another. Very insightful and extremely helpful. Thank you.
This description was uncannily accurate, as if you knew us personally. A few of the introvert/extrovert things didn’t really apply but I suspect that is because I know that socially I am not a strong “I” and my wife is not a strong “E.” The only thing I would have liked to have added is a description of the relationship between an INTJ male and an ENFP female, that is what we have. Thank you so much for this incredibly insightful and helpful discussion! It was amazing!
ENFP going on 21 years with my INTJ husband. This is extremely accurate and helpful!