The Biggest Relationship Turn-Offs of Every Enneagram Type

I was at a homeschool mom’s meetup recently (yes, I’m a homeschool mom), and I was listening to a lot of the fellow mothers talk about their past relationships and the things that were red flags to them, or simply annoyances. Over time, I started to see themes emerge specific to each mother’s Enneagram type. The Ones craved punctuality and a sense of moral fortitude. The Twos wanted someone who could open up, communicate more, and affirm their efforts. This experience gave me the idea to survey my email list of 86,000 subscribers to unearth the biggest relationship turn-offs for each of the Enneagram types. These insights can hopefully help us to see what’s important to each of the types, and how to avoid inadvertently offending them, either in a romantic or platonic relationship.

Not sure what your Enneagram type is? Take our free questionnaire here

Type 1 – The Perfectionist

Ones have a strong sense of what’s right or wrong, correct or incorrect, ethical or unethical. They hold themselves to high standards and appreciate others who do the same. One Enneagram 1 who responded to my survey said, “I don’t like it if they don’t care about being perfect, if they have a ‘I don’t care’ kind of attitude, I don’t like that.”

This One’s sentiments were echoed by quite a few other Ones as well. They want someone who’s going to take the relationship seriously, have a healthy dose of respect, and have goals and ambitions in life. When Ones see an issue with someone, they tend to try to push people to fix what’s ‘broken’, set things straight, and improve. They get upset and irritated when it feels like the other person is dropping the ball or being irresponsible, leaving them with more to do than they had originally anticipated. “Say what you mean, and follow through on it” would be a strong message of this Enneatype.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Ones:

• Irresponsibility
• Lack of punctuality
• Vulgarity
• Rudeness
• Disorganization
• Poor hygiene
• Lack of motivation
• Disrespect
• Unfairness
• Messiness
• Manipulation
• Unjust criticism

Find out more about Ones: Uncovering the Childhood Wounds of Every Enneagram Type

Type 2 – The Helper

Twos naturally sense what other people need, how they are feeling, and step in to offer support and encouragement. Often empathetic and generous, Twos want to feel needed, respected, and loved for who they truly are in a relationship. Frequent heart-to-heart talks, warm cuddles, and affirmation for their efforts is crucial. One Two responded to my survey saying, “Being single in today’s world is challenging and often discouraging; people seem to rely on very impersonal ways to make what feels like only temporary/tentative relationships… even superficial.” I saw this sentiment being echoed by other Twos, who wished their partners would just “put down the phone” and be present with them, or who found it difficult to find dates who were invested in conversation or meaningful activities.

When Twos need something in a relationship, it can be difficult for them to ask for help. Often they serve others in the ways they want to be served, but some partners aren’t aware of this, and simply keep taking, without reciprocating. Being direct about needs and desires is something many Twos have to work on. That said, some unhealthy Twos can reach a point where they are constantly complaining about unmet needs and wants, passive-aggressively manipulating situations, or “giving to get”. But healthy Twos will be direct about what they want without getting into passive-aggressive or manipulative behaviors.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Threes:

• Withdrawn, detached behavior
• Negativity
• Being inauthentic or dishonest
• Game-playing
• Yelling or aggressiveness
• Rudeness
• Comparisons
• Self-obsession
• Workaholism
• Controlling, jealous behavior
• Lack of appreciation

Find out more about Twos: What You Craved As a Child, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Type 3 – The Achiever

Threes are known for their drive, ambition, and the desire to be perceived as successful. They are adaptable, skilled at molding themselves into whatever they need to be to get the job done, and they thrive on achievement and winning. However, this adaptability can sometimes lead to them feeling as though they must maintain a “mask” or persona to gain approval, making vulnerability a significant challenge in intimate relationships. A Three from my survey shared, “I find it extremely off-putting when someone has no drive or ambition. It’s like they’re content with mediocrity, and that just doesn’t sit right with me. I also can’t stand it when someone is constantly negative or playing the victim; it feels draining.” This sentiment is one that most Threes will relate to; anyone who lacks vision or intrinsic motivation to make the most of life tends to be a bit boring and unimpressive to them.

In relationships, Threes yearn for partners who see beyond their achievements and the persona they project to the world. They seek genuine connection, appreciation for their authentic selves, and encouragement to slow down and be present. Acknowledgment of their efforts—not just their successes—is crucial.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Threes:

• Neediness
• Trying too hard to impress
• Victim mentality
• Constant negativity or complaining
• Superficiality
• Lack of ambition or drive
• Laziness and irresponsibility
• Indecisiveness and inefficiency
• Rude and insulting behavior
• Unmotivated, listless attitude

Find out more about Threes: Here’s What You Notice Right Away, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Type 4 – The Individualist

Fours have a deep longing to be understood and seen for who they truly are, yearning for genuine connections that appreciate their uniqueness and depth. They want to find a partner who sees the real them, not a one-dimensional image that they feel the rest of the world sees. They are often creative, expressive, and drawn to authenticity, prizing emotional honesty and individuality in themselves and others. A Four in my survey expressed, “I feel disconnected when people don’t make an effort to understand me on a deeper level. It’s frustrating when others dismiss my feelings or don’t appreciate the nuances of who I am.” This sentiment is one that many Fours will relate to. They desire to be with someone who stops and listens when they have something to say, who sees beneath the outer appearance to the beauty and darkness of who they are. The good, the, bad, and the ugly, and loves them just the same.

In relationships, Fours desire partners who are willing to explore the depths of emotions and appreciate the intricacies of their complex inner world. They thrive in environments that allow for emotional expression and understanding. Being seen and loved for their authentic self, flaws and all, is paramount.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Fours:

• Arrogance and bragging
• Shallow, superficial interactions
• Clinginess or jealousy
• Judgmental attitudes
• Not feeling understood or appreciated
• Lack of compassion and empathy
• Possessiveness and domineering behavior
• Hypocrisy and dishonesty
• Poor listening skills, not being truly heard
• Phoniness or inauthentic behavior

Find out more about Fours: Here’s What You’re Like When You’re Angry, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Type 5 – The Investigator

Fives are on a constant quest to gather knowledge, learn more, and analyze the world to make sense of it all. They tend to associate with their thoughts more than their feelings, and want a partner who can dive down various intellectual rabbit holes with them. Fives value their independence and autonomy, and they’ll quickly wear out if they have a lot of social obligations or a partner who is needy or jealous in any way. A Five from my survey mentioned, “I find it extremely frustrating when people can’t engage in a logical discussion or rely on emotional reasoning for everything. It feels like a waste of time if the conversation doesn’t have substance.”

In relationships, Fives look for partners who respect their need for space and understand their passion for knowledge and intellectual exploration. They thrive with individuals who can engage in stimulating intellectual discussions and share their thirst for understanding the deeper aspects of the world. Just don’t barge in on them unannounced!

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Fives:

• Illogical reasoning
• Self-centeredness
• Shallowness
• Mindless chatter
• Overbearing, clingy behavior
• Dishonesty
• Superficiality
• Arrogance and bragging
• Entitlement
• Closed-mindedness
• Attention-seeking behavior
• Intrusiveness
• Manipulation

Find out more about Fives: How to Impress Each Enneagram Type

Type 6 – The Loyalist

Sixes want someone they can count on, someone who shows up when they say they will, and proves time and time again that their word can be trusted. Sixes are known for their loyalty, and they want a partner who offers the same steadiness. A Six from my survey stated, “I need someone who will listen to my worries and take them seriously, who will discuss my feelings with me, not to dismiss them, but to help me sort through the issues in my head.” Sixes tend to deal with a lot of worries and concerns, but the worst thing you can do is brush them off or act like it’s “all in their head.” Take them seriously, but also don’t jump on the worry-train with them and add more fuel to the fire.

In relationships, Sixes want a partner who is not just emotionally present but who also demonstrate their reliability through actions. They find comfort in predictability and sincerity, someone they can count on, who’s words add up, and who risks being overly honest, even if it at times it backfires, rather than being too secretive, manipulative, or inconsistent.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Sixes:

• Self-centeredness
• Disrespect
• Dishonesty
• Untrustworthiness
• Controlling behavior
• Unreliability
• Lack of punctuality
• Inconsistency
• Lack of responsiveness
• Not taking them seriously
• Lack of integrity

Find out more about Sixes: How Each Enneagram Type Guards Their Hearts

Type 7 – The Enthusiast

Sevens are the quintessential adventurers of the Enneagram, always on the hunt for new experiences and possibilities. My husband is a Seven, and I think he comes up with a new business idea, travel adventure, or project to work on every day. Sevens crave freedom and variety, not just for thrills, but for the joy of the journey and the excitement of knowing an adventure is just around the corner. A Seven in my survey shared, “I feel boxed in when someone tries to dampen my enthusiasm with negativity or limitations. I want a partner in fun, someone to brainstorm with me, not someone who constantly shuts out my ideas.” Sevens crave partners who are willing to dream with them, to explore the vastness of possibilities the world has to offer without imposing restrictions or dwelling on the negative.

In relationships, Sevens look for companions who are as lively and optimistic as they are, who can keep up with their fast pace and share in their multitude of interests. They value spontaneity and a sense of humor, wanting someone who can laugh along with them and not take life too seriously.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Sevens:

• Bossiness and authoritarian attitudes
• Guilt-tripping and manipulation
• Moping and persistent negativity
• Blaming others and shirking personal responsibility
• Self-aggrandizing behavior and arrogance
• Condescension and talking down to others
• Yelling and aggressive confrontations
• Poor hygiene and lack of self-care
• Smothering behavior and clinginess
• Lack of humor and taking themselves too seriously
• Making assumptions and jumping to conclusions
• Setting rigid limits and trying to control their freedom
• Not being able to take a joke or appreciate lightheartedness

Find out more about Sevens: What Your Inner Child Needs to Hear, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Type 8 – The Challenger

Eights are all about taking action, being assertive, and going after what they want with strength and power. They approach life with intensity and vigor, always ready to take on a challenge. My dad is an Eight, and he’ll say what he thinks so bluntly that sometimes it’s terrifying, but that same honesty means he stands up for what he believes in even when everyone else is doing something different. Eights seek truth and justice, and they respect partners who share their straightforward approach. An Eight from my survey mentioned, “I can’t stand it when people beat around the bush or show any form of indecisiveness. I need someone who’s clear about what they want and isn’t afraid to say it.” In relationships, Eights look for individuals who are independent, assertive, and honest. They thrive with partners who can match their strength and stand by their side, not behind them.

Eights value direct communication and find authenticity incredibly attractive. They are naturally protective of those they care about, but they need to know you can hold your own. They have little patience for pretense or manipulation and prefer relationships that are built on mutual respect and complete honesty.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Eights:

• Controlling behavior
• Neediness
• Manipulation
• Timidity
• People who can’t stand up for themselves
• Selfishness
• Untrustworthiness
• Pushovers
• Indirectness
• Disloyalty
• Complaining
• Unfairness

Find out more about Eights: The Lie Each Enneagram Type Believes, and How to Avoid It

Type 9 – The Peacemaker

Nines are the peace-loving, tranquil types in the Enneagram. They want a partner who appreciates their calm, open-minded nature, and doesn’t mess it up with unneeded drama or conflict. My mom is a Nine, and she has this ceaseless desire for everyone to get along and see the best in each other. Nothing is worse for her, or any Nine, then a bunch of conflict and people misunderstanding each other. Nines seek to avoid conflict and value a partner who respects their desire for peace, someone who brings balance rather than chaos into their lives. A Nine from my survey shared, “I appreciate when someone respects my need for quiet and personal space, without making me feel guilty for it. I hate it when people barge in on me or make a lot of demands on my time.”

In relationships, Nines look for partners who are stable and compassionate. They thrive with people who are empathetic and considerate, making the environment feel safe enough for the Nine to be open about who they really are inside.

The Biggest Turn-Offs for Enneagram Nines:

• Manipulation
• Arrogance
• Showing off
• Anger issues
• Domineering behavior
• Being overly distracted by a phone or tablet
• Being pressured
• Ignoring them
• Being dishonest
• Being overly critical
• Creating drama
• Smothering them or invading their space

Find out more about Nines: The Self-Care You Actually Need, Based On Your Enneagram Type

What Are Your Thoughts?

What resonates with you in these descriptions? Do you see yourself or your loved ones reflected in these types? Maybe you have stories or experiences that are different from these perspectives. We’d love to hear your thoughts and insights. Let us know in the comments!