What You Craved As a Child, Based On Your Enneagram Type

When I was training to become an Enneagram coach I found myself amazed by just how deeply we are all affected by our childhood circumstances. Many innocuous things we experience in our early lives, things that are unintentional even, can create long-lasting patterns of insecurity, anxiety, or anger in us. Each of us has a “lost message” we wished we had received in childhood. Something deeply meaningful that for some reason or another, we didn’t feel like we received. Many times this was unintentional, other times it wasn’t.

Today we’re looking at the message we wished we’d received as children. The deeply meaningful truth we wanted to fully believe. The longing for this reality has stuck with us our entire lives and colors many of our experiences as adults. What is it for you?

Now if you’re a parent reading this, I want you to know that this article is not a judgment on you. Being a parent is challenging, even frightening at times. You want to do it all perfectly, but that’s not possible. Every day there are dozens of ways you might accidentally enforce a message without  meaning to. As a mom myself, I know there have been times I’ve not failed to meet the ideal. For example, I’m not good at creating consistent routines in my home, and this can be a stressful experience for many children. But the key is, of course, to try your best and let your kids know that you love them for who they are, have their back, and will support them as they try to become older and more independent. I hope that you’ll find some amazing tips in this article that help you, but please don’t let this article discourage you.

Not sure what your Enneagram type is? Take our free questionnaire here

What You Craved as a Child, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Estimated reading time: 16 minutes

Enneagram 1 – To Feel Good Enough

For the One, existence didn’t feel like it was automatically deserved. Instead, they felt like they needed to earn their existence. Like they weren’t enough just as they were; that they had something to prove. Serious and responsible, Ones often took on the role of “Family Hero.” Any kind of chaos around them made them feel like they had to step up and manage it; be hyper-responsible. This created an ongoing stress and frustration in the One. They seemed overwhelmed by errors that needed to be fixed, problems that needed to be solved. Even at play, many Ones as children felt like they ended up parenting their friends (and often being chastised or rejected for it).

For the One, a childhood where they felt like they were good enough, where they felt like there were consistent but loving guidelines, was key. Many Ones felt like their parents were too lenient or too strict; there was no middle ground. And many Ones remember being praised by their families for being so responsible and for being such “good” children. Every child wants praise, particularly from their parents, so this sparked in the One a ceaseless desire to continue being “good.” But it also gave them a fear that they were evil; because the constant fixation on being good gives someone the same awareness of all the ways one isn’t measuring up.

Tips for the Parents of a One:

·         Be consistent in discipline and in rules

·         Let them know they don’t have to be perfect, that no one can be

·         Praise them for who they are, not just what they do

·         Help them focus on the positive and beautiful things in life

·         Avoid perfectionistic behavior

·         Model compassion

·         Play with them and show them the importance of having fun

·         Teach them the lessons and beauty in mistakes and imperfections

Find out more about Ones: The Enneagram 1 Child

Enneagram 2 – To Feel Wanted and Valued

Similar to the Ones, Twos felt like they had to earn their right to love and existence. They didn’t feel like love would automatically come to them; instead, they felt the need to repress their own needs and take care of other people in order to be liked and wanted. Having their own needs, their own desires, felt like selfishness – something forbidden. They often got the message that if they were “good” they wouldn’t have needs. Or that good people were always selfless. Thus, Twos became the helpers, the people-pleasers, the empathizers. In order to get their core needs met as children, they felt they had no choice but to take on everyone else’s needs.

Twos craved a childhood where they felt it was okay to have needs. They wanted to feel like they were loved for who they were, not for who they were when they emptied themselves of all wants and desires. They wished for a childhood where they felt they could ask for what they wanted without being reprimanded or thought selfish. They needed nurturing, support, and unconditional love.

Tips for the Parents of a Two:

·         Talk about the importance of receiving love, not just giving it

·         Ask about their needs and desires

·         Encourage them to express their authentic feelings

·         Give them alone time with creative projects so they can have time to get to know themselves, and let them know how important this is

·         Teach them about healthy boundaries so they can better respect themselves and others

·         Demonstrate unconditional love

Find out more about Enneagram Twos: 21 Signs That You’re an Enneagram 2

Enneagram 3 – To Feel Loved for Who They Are

For the Three, there’s a deep longing to be loved for who they truly are. This started in childhood where they noticed they gained a positive response when they were the “winner.” When this child was the star of the show; when they succeeded, got good grades, won an award, or otherwise stood out they were given a sense of “love.” Thus they internalized the message that in order to be worthwhile and loved, they must continue succeeding. They must never let themselves fall off the path towards winning. Appearances, attainments, awards, and beating the competition, these are all things that become deeply important to them as a result.

But deep down inside the Three is someone who just wants to feel like they are good enough and worthy enough of love for exactly who they are. Not for the awards. Not for their polished appearance. Not for their grades. They wanted to hear “You’re enough, just as you are.”

Tips for the Parent of a Three:

·         Let them know that they are loved for whoever they are, no matter what happens.

·         Don’t push them too excessively. What you see as helpful, they may see as overwhelming.

·         Model the beauty and power of failure, rather than breaking down in front of your child and being hard on yourself.

·         Avoid workaholism. You’re the model of what your child sees as “normal.” Make sure you’re modeling healthy behaviors.

·         Don’t obsess over what the outer world thinks of you or your children.

·         Don’t “market” your child. Some parents have a tendency to praise their child’s achievements publicly, furthering in them the belief that they are only as good as their successes.

·         Be authentic and real. Threes especially need to see the importance of authenticity and vulnerability in their parents.

Discover more about Threes: 10 Telltale Signs of an Enneagram 3

Enneagram 4 – To Feel Seen

For the Four, the childhood hope was to be seen for who they truly were, warts and all. They didn’t want to be praised for some task they accomplished or loved for what they gave to others; they wanted to be fully and authentically seen. To be visible and acknowledged for their real personality. Not the polite face they’re told to put on for others or the grades they bring home from school. If you were a Four you might relate to thinking you were born into the “wrong” family as a child. You might love your family and have had a fairly normal, happy childhood, but you never felt like you belonged for some reason. You may have wondered if you were adopted, because in some ways you felt like an alien from another planet.

This hunger to be seen, to find your true self, has followed you into adulthood where you are still trying to figure out who you are, who sees you, and what your true identity is. You peer into the darkness of your own soul; a place most people shy away from. But you’re not afraid, you need to know what makes you beautiful; and what makes you flawed. All of it; 100% you to be seen by yourself if nobody else will.

Tips for the Parents of a Four:

·         Encourage their creativity in any way that you can.

·         Let them express their emotions and just be present with them. Create a receptive, caring space and don’t rush them to “get over it.”

·         Understand their need for alone time to consolidate and recharge.

·         Show interest and appreciation about the depth of their emotions. Listen without judgment and try to show genuine curiosity.

·         Be authentic and encourage authenticity in your home.

·         Encourage them in opportunities that spark their empathetic side. Whether this means getting them a pet, helping them write letters to a relative, or helping out for a cause, do something that gets them invested in their caring side.

Find out more about Fours: The Enneagram 4 Individualist

Enneagram 5 – To Know Your Needs Aren’t a Problem

For the Five, childhood felt overwhelming and tiring. Many Fives, for one reason or another, didn’t feel safe in their families. They may have had safe and loving families, but somehow there was an uneasiness within them. Maybe one parent had anxiety and that trickled into their own sense of safety in the world. Or maybe there was generational trauma within the family. Whatever the case, Fives had a feeling of being overwhelmed by their families, and coped by retreating into their own private world. They turned their attention away from the normal childhood emotions and instead tried to objectify everything. Through rational thought they felt they could guard themselves against the anxiety that stirred within them. They craved nonintrusion – a sense of complete control and safety from the impact of others.

What the Five really craved, though, was a feeling that their needs weren’t a problem. They conditioned themselves not to develop expectations of people for fear of being disappointed. But they had expectations and needs and feelings; they just needed to know they would be taken care of and that it would be okay.

Tips for the Parents of a Five:

·         Give them logical reasons for the things you need them to do (or not do)

·         Be clear and consistent in communication

·         Encourage them to use their body. Whether this means exercising, dancing, climbing trees; get them up and moving.

·         Ask them what their needs and feelings are, and be patient if it takes them a while to verbalize them.

·         Help them connect with their feelings. Help by modeling empathy and give them time if it’s difficult for them to express what they feel.

·         Try to avoid catastrophizing or getting into heated conflicts around them.

·         Give them plenty of alone time to recharge.

·         Try not to barge in unexpectedly on them. Knock on the door or give some kind of verbal warning first.

Find out more: Here’s What You Notice Right Away, Based On Your Enneagram Type

Enneagram 6 – To Know They Were Safe

Enneagram Sixes struggled to feel supported and confident in who they were as independent beings in childhood. They often felt they had to be obedient on the outside while hiding their true self on the inside. This inner conflict and insecurity led to a feeling of unease and a constant desire to find a sense of real support and guidance. Sixes became highly aware of potential threats, dangers, and betrayals; constantly scanning the horizon for something that could go wrong. They became fixated on being “ready” for the worst, which led to hyper-vigilance and nagging worry.

But what the Six really wanted in childhood was the feeling that they were safe and supported. That it was okay for them to be independent and discover their own mind and their parents would have their back no matter what; even if they lovingly disagreed. They needed a sense of moderation and consistency and encouragement to be mindful and present and enjoy the moment rather than fixate on all that could go wrong in the future.

Tips for the Parents of a Six:

·         Instead of just telling them what to do when they ask for advice, encourage them to listen to their own inner voice. For example, if they ask you which shoes they should wear to an event, encourage them to think for themselves first.

·         Create a routine and structure in your home. This makes Sixes feel more secure.

·         Don’t belittle their anxiety. Allow them to verbalize their fears and listen with empathy.

·         Encourage them to think about what could go right instead of always about what could go wrong.

·         Teach them self-defense. This can help them to feel more confident in their bodies for whatever might go wrong.

·         Practice mindfulness and meditation with them to help them become present with their bodies and get out of the constant worry in their mind.

·         Encourage them to try new things in small ways every day. Whether it’s a new pizza topping or a new activity, creating openness to change in them, while having a steady routine, can help them to feel less anxious about change in the long run.

Find out more about Sixes: The Enneagram 6 Loyalist

Enneagram 7 – To Know They Would Be Taken Care Of

For the Seven, childhood was often shadowed by a fear of being deprived or trapped in painful circumstances without anyone to protect or comfort them. They may have lived in a safe, secure family environment but for some reason they felt a disconnect from the nurturing parent in the home. This could happen in many unintended ways; for example, a new baby is born and the parent needs to give them more attention. But rather than talk about this fear, they sought out distraction. Many times they became fixated on a toy or activity that would help them avoid the anxiety buzzing in their mind.

This foundational fear prompted Sevens to seek happiness and fun at almost any cost, sometimes leading to frenetic escapism as a way to avoid the realities of their anxieties. What they wanted was to feel connected and supported, to know that no matter what, their parents or caregivers had their back and would be there to make everything okay.

Tips for the Parents of a Seven:

·         Get genuinely excited about their ideas and plans. Share their enthusiasm to reinforce that you support their happiness and adventures.

·         Regularly assure them, both through words and actions, that you are there for them, always ready to listen and help.

·         Make them feel appreciated for who they are, not just when they are being entertaining or positive.

·         Ask them about their feelings and encourage them to share. Be patient and gentle, showing them that it’s safe to express even uncomfortable emotions.

·         Help them understand that it’s okay to feel bored sometimes. Teach them to find peace and creativity in stillness rather than constantly seeking new stimuli.

·         Channel their boundless energy into healthy and constructive activities like exercise, outdoor sports, art, or drama.

Find out more about Sevens: 7 Struggles of the Enneagram Seven

Enneagram 8 – To Know They Could Trust

For Enneagram Eights, childhood often felt like a battleground where vulnerability equated to weakness, and showing any sign of it could lead to betrayal or harm. These children often felt that they had to grow up prematurely, taking on the role of “adult” at home. This could have happened unintentionally; perhaps their parents were flexible and made choices on a whim which led to a sense of uncertainty and unpredictability in the home for the Eight. Perhaps there was a lot of emotional conflict in the home and anxieties they felt they had to protect younger siblings from. Whatever the case, Eights developed a deep-seated fear of being controlled or betrayed by those in power. Because of this, they created a persona that could withstand and repel any perceived threats. They learned early on that to survive, they had to be strong, decisive, and, at times, confrontational, ensuring that no one could wield power over them. Beneath this tough exterior, however, was a simple yet profound desire—to trust and to be assured that they would not be betrayed.

Tips for the Parents of an Eight:

·         Show respect for their strength and autonomy, but also foster environments where vulnerability is seen as a strength, not a weakness.

·         Be a straight-talker. Don’t beat around the bush or lie to them; let them know exactly what you want or need and why.

·         Help them to manage their anger in healthy ways. This could mean teaching them to punch a pillow instead of the wall or use mindfulness techniques to feel calmer.

·         Provide them with examples of healthy relationships where trust is fundamental, helping them understand that not every relationship is a power struggle.

·         Involve them in decisions that affect them to reinforce the idea that their opinion is valued and respected.

·         Try not to be reactive, especially when the Eight is angry. Model patience, calmness, and maturity.

·         Support them in finding constructive outlets for their intense energy and desire for control, such as team sports, debate clubs, or leadership roles in community projects.

·         Provide a consistent and secure home environment where they feel protected and where it’s safe for them to lower their guard and just be a kid.

You might also like: How Each Enneagram Type Guards Their Hearts

Enneagram 9 – To Know Their Presence Mattered

Enneagram Nines as children often felt like they had to fade into the background in order for life to go on without a hitch. Many times they tried to numb themselves to their own needs for fear of it “being a problem” for others. Through this process they continually got into the habit of minimizing their own needs and their own presence. Believing that if they were undemanding and easygoing, they could maintain a semblance of peace and stability, they learned to detach themselves from their own inner voice and their own wants. Deep down, they were afraid of fragmentation, of becoming so disconnected from themselves and their environment that they essentially became invisible. This drive for peace and harmony could devolve into a stubborn neglectfulness of their own desires and needs, leaving them feeling lost, disconnected, and as though they were merely drifting through life without making any tangible impact.

What Nines really craved in childhood was a sense that their presence was meaningful. They wanted to feel like it was okay, good even, to raise their voice and be heard. Perhaps their life was full of drama and conflict and they wanted to feel safe enough to exist and be seen. Maybe rules were so strict that they felt they didn’t have the freedom to voice their own opinions without fear of retaliation. Whatever the case, Nines craved a childhood where they could truly and fully exist as individuals without numbing themselves to their own voice.

Tips for the Parents of a Nine:

·         Actively encourage them to express their thoughts, feelings, and desires, validating their importance in the family and the wider world.

·         Engage them in activities that promote self-awareness and self-expression, such as journaling, art, or music.

·         Foster an environment where their opinions are sought and valued, showing them that their voice matters and can effect change.

·         Encourage them to set personal goals and support them in achieving these goals, emphasizing the importance of self-growth and personal fulfillment.

·         Teach them conflict resolution skills, reassuring them that conflict isn’t synonymous with disconnection or loss of harmony but can be a pathway to deeper understanding and stronger relationships.

·         Show them through your actions and words that they don’t have to be passive or diminish themselves to be loved and accepted; they matter by simply being themselves.

You might also enjoy: The Dark Side of Each Enneagram Type

What Are Your Thoughts?

What do you think after reading this article? Do you have any tips for fellow people with your Enneatype? Let us and other readers know in the comments!

References:

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson (Bantam Books, 1999)

The Enneagram, Relationships and Intimacy by David Daniels, M.D. and Suzanne Dion (David Daniels, M.D. and Suzanne Dion, 2018)

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