Why INFJs and INTJs Get Overstimulated
One thing I struggle with regularly, especially as an INTJ mother, is the tendency to get overstimulated. We INFJs and INTJs live so completely in our heads that outside stimuli, if not pleasant, can be incredibly stressful. Unlike sensors, who are more focused on the world around them, INXJs are often focused internally. Their minds’ are buzzing with ideas, concepts, strategies, and symbols.
For example, while I’m in the shower I tend to think of a lot of ideas and concepts. I’ll often forget if I just shampooed my hair, conditioned it, or if I did, how many times I’ve done it. Sometimes I end up washing my hair three times because I’ve gotten so caught up in ideas that I’ve completely lost touch with what I was doing. I know this sounds flighty, especially to sensors, but it’s one of the problems with being a dominant Ni (introverted intuition) user. I’m not saying every Ni-dominant type is as much of an airhead in the shower as I am…but this type of thing tends to be a problem for a lot of us.
Blogger Stephanie Briggs describes this perfectly; “INFJs tend to be loosely tethered to physical reality, suffering from clumsiness (“How did I get this bruise?”), spaciness, and a distaste for practical details and tasks.”
INFJs and INTJs combine dominant introverted intuition (Ni) with inferior extraverted sensing (Se). Our Se is very underdeveloped and sensitive, meaning that we consider outside stimuli to be a major distraction from what’s really “important” (what’s going on in our heads).
Let’s put it this way, Just like ISTPs and INTPs find extreme emotions distracting and kind of disturbing, INFJs and INTJs find external stimuli distracting and disturbing. If we’re in a tranquil atmosphere, a clean house, or if there’s soft music playing, that’s fine. In fact, we really like that. Tranquil surroundings and beautiful places are really important to people with inferior Se. Our sensitivity to outside stimuli means that while we’re extremely sensitive in a negative way to unpleasant or loud outside stimuli, we are incredibly affected in a positive way by pleasant outside stimuli.
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INFJs, INTJs, and the Science of Their Minds
UCLA professor Dario Nardi conducted a study on personality type and brain activity using EEG technology. He has this to say about INTJs and INFJs:
“Ni types often show a whole-brain, zen-like pattern. This pattern occurs when all regions of the neocortex are in synch and dominated by brain waves that are medium-low frequency and very high-amplitude. This pattern is typical of someone whose mind is awake yet relaxed….What is this zen state like? When presented with a problem, the Ni types seek to harness all neocortex regions in order to “realize” an answer…This zen state works best when focusing on a single question, without distractions that might cause the various regions to fall out of synch. The person might think, “Be quiet world, I just need to stop and think!” When an answer does pop to mind, it might seem like an expert’s work with flourishes of novelty or even an unusual approach to a task.”
Nardi also says in his book The Neuroscience of Personality, that INTJs and INFJs prefer time away from external stimulation and mundane demands in order to access their rich internal processes. To find out more about the science of the Myers-Briggs types check out my article Your Myers-Briggs® Personality Type and Your Brain.
Why Parenting Can Be Especially Challenging for INFJs and INTJs
Quiet time alone. It’s what INTJs and INFJs need. I’m a mother of five kids. I completely adore them. My love for them is incredibly strong. I also homeschool them, so they’re pretty much with me all the time. With kids there will always be interruptions, especially with my toddler who is in a babbling/screaming/squealing phase. I get migraines four days out of the week. I get lost in thought and then there’s the “Mom! Mom! Mom!” chant that all mothers are familiar with. And from all my experiences as an MBTI® practitioner, I’ve realized that INFJs and INTJs struggle with this aspect of parenting a little more intensely than other types.
Why We Hate Interruptions So Much
As a dominant Ni-user, I think in puzzle pieces and clues. In my average mental state, I am connecting dots constantly. That’s just how my brain works. When interrupted, all those little puzzle pieces, all those connected dots, scatter everywhere. I’ve lost it. For non-parents, the distraction could be someone at work interrupting them with questions or the ping of a text message on your phone. I’ve found that I almost always have my phone silenced for this reason.
A lot of INFJs and INTJs are highly-sensitive people. We don’t like fluorescent lights, loud noises, bright, stimulating environments. My husband likes to laugh at me sometimes because I always want to dim the lights upon entering a room. After I do this I am visibly more relaxed and at ease. He also enjoys action movies, and I do too sometimes, but after a while, the explosions and bright saturation of colors get to be too much for me. I want to bury my head in a pillow and block it all out. I’m not prone to outbursts of anger, but if my kids are being especially loud (as kids are prone to do), I often have to go to my room and take a “time out.” I close the door, lay face-down on my bed for a few moments so that all sensory stimulation is cut off, then I get back up, take a deep breath, and try to keep going with the day. Taking these little breaks is part of what keeps me sane.
The Importance of Alone Time
Introverted intuition is such an intensive, introspective process. In order for an INFJ or an INTJ to truly be “in the zone” and able to function properly they need to be able to block out all other stimulation and get into a relaxed mental state. Then they can form connections and develop insights. It can take a while to truly get into this “zen state” as Dario Nardi describes it. Often, for me, it happens right around the time I’m trying to go to sleep. You can imagine why! Everything’s dark and quiet and I’m able to completely isolate myself with my thoughts. All a sudden my mind is bursting with insights and revelations that never occurred to me throughout the day.
If I get into that relaxed state at home during the day, and then someone turns on some loud music, a TV show, or there are random interruptions or questions, it can be extremely overstimulating. In fact, if my inferior Se is “triggered,” I can fall into the grip of Extraverted Sensing (Se), and become overly indulgent (as Se-inferior types tend to do). This means that in order to “ground” myself in reality, I sometimes will succumb to over-eating, listening to incredibly loud music, or engaging in an unhealthy way in any kind of sensory activity.
All things considered, if you have an INFJ or an INTJ in your family you can definitely try to make their life a little easier by giving them some alone time or not interrupting them when they’re deep in thought. If you are a Ni-dominant type then you can try to take little segments out of the day to shut out stimulation and think, even if it’s just for a little while. One of the ways I do this with kids is by packing up my toddler in the stroller and taking him for a walk every single morning. He gets really quiet, and it’s very peaceful, and I can just think. Everyone has different methods and different ways they can achieve this solitude and time to focus.
What are your thoughts?
What do you do to block out sensory stimulation? What kinds of ways do you get into a positive mental state? I’d love to talk to you in the comments!
Find out more about your personality type in our eBooks, Discovering You: Unlocking the Power of Personality Type, The INFJ – Understanding the Mystic, The INFP – Understanding the Dreamer, and The INTJ – Understanding the Strategist. You can also connect with me via Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter!
Other Articles You Might Enjoy:
Here’s Why INFJs and INTJs Seem “Intense”
10 Intuition Hacks for INFJs and INTJs
The Unique Intelligence of INFJs, INTJs, ENFJs, and ENTJs
All About INTJs
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So very true. Sometimes it takes me soooo much time to unwind. In fact at night when the light goes out, bam, instantly more relaxed. Problem, that’s the time I start solving problems, coming up with great ideas, or good poetry. I’ve given serious thought about moving to a country where quiet and intelligence is more highly valued. Oh, I also need a fortified castle with huge library/lab. So any rich older women out there missing a king 😉 lol. Just joking, maybe. Great article, every letter stamps a picture of my personality. Very on point.
Thank you! As always, your feedback is extremely helpful and encouraging:) Yes, your castle idea sounds AMAZING. I have always thought a castle or a treehouse in the middle of a secluded forest sounded awesome. Let me know if you find a rich queen!! I definitely think our culture here in the US is not very satisfying to Ni-dominant types. There are so many distractions and interruptions everywhere. Thanks again for the feedback!
Very true, US culture is far too rambunctious I wouldn’t mind a quieter mode of living. Your most welcome! You write in a very fluid and easy to read manner.
One of the things I’m fascinated by is the contrast between eastern and western culture on this very point, where the former seems to be far more reflective and engaged by transcendent themes; whilst in the west society tends more toward the immediate and concrete. I read somewhere that in countries like China and Japan introverts are a majority, whereas in Western Europe and North America the reverse is true. It’s fascinating to see how the variance in this one trait has contributed so much to the way the culture has been shaped. Like Aramsey, it does make me curious about what the experience of living in some of these more introverted countries would be like. But anyway, great post. Although I don’t have children yet I can very much relate to the whole interruption/over-stimulation problem. I constantly find myself able to be so much more productive late at night as a result, something about that stillness in the wee hours just really works for me.
Sigh. Yes! But being the T flavor of this senario, all is well in life if all my systems are flowing smoothly: school system, meal system, house cleaning system, laundry system, special project management system, relationship management (hubby and kids) system … I can ignore most sensory inputs except voices talking. I like quiet and organized environments. If you walk into the room talking I likely to think, if not say, “Can’t you see I was thinking? You’re interrupting!”
Since home schooling is also a major component of my life, and one I’m quite passionate about, curriculum critiquing and development is where I spend time connection all those dots into a web of awesome teaching ideas.
However, I like plenty of light.
Great article. Very nice job explaining what processes are constantly occurring on the inside. My ISFP SOL thinks I’m extremely intense. It’s nice to know that someone understands!
Wow! Great article! I have never thought about this at all. What usually happens with me is that I get overstimulated for too long a period (because, you know, INFJs cannot sit still and do nothing for very long) I just crash. I end up quitting what has overstimulated me because I just want it all to end. I end up spending a week doing absolutely nothing, just to go back to the same schedule. What would you recommend for someone who constantly has overstimulation in their line of work? Would you recomment breaks more often during the day? Thanks!
Hi!! I completely understand where you’re coming from. Is it your work or home life that’s overstimulating you? What kind of things are triggering the stimulation (if you don’t mind me asking)? I do believe breaks are important, even if all you can afford is a short break. Also for me sometimes I can use my Se to my advantage by listening to a certain type of non-obtrusive music that helps me be creative. I’d love to try to find some solutions, if you want to tell me more what’s causing the sensory stimulation during the day.
Well, usually it ends up being work! I was doing some research projects this summer and, to earn more money, I also worked a part time job. I would run to and fro and then I would become overstimulated because I was working on too many things!
Just to add, I ended up ending them for now and I felt a huge sigh of relief when I was done. But I do miss the work and I am thinking about jumping in again, but scared that I will end up doing the same thing – become too overstimulated and end up wanting to give it up!
Having multiple jobs and “running to and fro” can definitely be overstimulating!! I feel you there. I love a day where there are no plans whatsoever….but yet I lvoe to work :-/ It’s kind of a catch 22 I think! I am going to try to think of some ways to keep from being overstimulated so much with a busy lifestyle, and I will comment again when I’ve come to some conclusions 🙂 Thanks so much for commenting!
Great! Thank you!
As an INFJ I completely relate to this post. I’m also a highly sensitive person, to the point where I can’t watch violent movies or shows because I involuntarily cry and have nightmares. I don’t like loud noises, especially incessant loud noises, and feel the need to escape them, because I feel so overstimulated. It helps me to go into my room, put on some lamps that don’t produce harsh light, and to just recover!
Wow, I completely understand what you’re saying. I detest harsh lighting, and scary or violent movies really affect me. I have such a vivid imagination that I can feel like I’ve lost a certain touch of reality after watching them and can imagine those things so vividly. I watched Max Max Fury Road a couple of weeks ago and was a total wreck afterwards. Anyway, thank you so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it 🙂
I completely understand! It’s like you get so wrapped up in what’s happening and you feel like you are in it! I feel like that has to do with our empathic nature.
Thank you for this article. I’ve always needed a lot of time alone to restore myself after spending any time in a stimulating environment. Thanks for this article! Until I discovered I’m an introvert, specifically an INFJ, I thought this was a character flaw, a defect. I recall as a child after school I needed to come home, head to my room, close the door, and be alone for awhile. If I didn’t have this restorative time I would be exhausted, unhappy, and unable to function well. Luckily for me I was left on my own much of the time, so I was able to do this kind of thing when I was overstimulated. I did, however, think there was something wrong with me. For many years I stopped giving myself time to restore myself. Now that I realize it’s a question of temperament and quite “normal” for an INFJ to get easily over-stimulated I make sure I take time alone whenever I feel overwhelmed. I’ve learned to honor my Introvert Self. It always feels good to know I can find my way back to enjoy life and people, but to do that I need quiet and alone moments.
I’m so glad this article was helpful to you, and that you understand it’s completely okay to need that time alone! I think it’s probably pretty normal for INFJs to feel like there’s something “wrong” with them growing up, I know I did. We are kind of an unusual group of people 🙂 I know I was always so much “in my head” growing up, and felt very detached from my body and thought maybe that was strange. It’s always interesting to talk to other INFJs and to realize how much we have in common. Thanks so much for your feedback!
INTJ mom of three married to ISTP dad. This was very insightful for me. I feel like I am always holding up my “one sec” finger, or saying “not now” in our loud house. When writing, I can’t have anyone else home (which is why I have written as much as I would like). When overstimulated, I lay next to my dog and listen to her breathe. I’ve also become a Spotify addict, I can do just about anything with my earplugs and one of my many playlists. I just drown out all of the noise with mood music. I had to write thank you notes during a bereavement period when we had a full house, I put Pachelbel’s Canon in D (U2 version) on replay, and got an amazing amount done.
I also feel some days when overstimulated or tired thinking about the over stimulating activities coming up, that a quick recharging nap helps.
Wow, as an INFJ I completely relate to what you are saying! I’m glad this article resonated with you. Your tips are really helpful! I especially love the idea of listening to the Canon in D to block out noise. I’ll have to try that next time I’m trying to be productive in a crowd 🙂 Thanks for commenting!
Correction; have NOT gotten as much writing done as I would like…
I am an INTJ and my husband is an INFJ – we just had our first child who is now 10 months old. Reading this I realized exactly why I keep my phone on silent since he was born?! Makes so much sense.
I’m still trying to learn some kind of balance where I can work, give my husband breaks, take care of our child and have my unwind time/the time I desperately need to do art or something for myself.
This article was really good!
Hi, I’m an INFJ and I can REALLY relate to this over-stimulation problem! At the moment it’s just been the first week back at my university, which is always an over-stimulation nightmare. There’s always large crowds of students and lots of loud music playing and people talking on microphones outside. Also, because the new students don’t know where they’re going yet, they walk really slowly in front of me and all I want to do is just get out of there as fast as possible. When this happens I just go into a sort of panic mode and start freaking out! What I do in these situations is find a part of the university that’s really quiet – normally it’s this particular spot under the trees where there’s hardly anyone else around and I can just relax and think and look at all the beautiful trees and gardens around me 🙂
Great article!
Thanks so much for your feedback! I’m so glad you could relate – although, that doesn’t feel right, because it means you get overstimulated! I completely understand your frustration and your spot by the trees sounds beautiful! It’s so nice when we can find little corners like that to just enjoy nature and quiet and let our minds wander. I’m really glad you enjoyed this post and I wish you all the best at University! I hope things get better and you really enjoy it!
I wear noise canceling headphones at work so I don’t shout at my beloved coworkers for making so much dang noise.
Oh dear! I certainly feel your pain!
My ISTJ husband and I just had a great laugh about the shower scenario where you lose track of what you’re doing. As he put it, “I would never wonder if I had just washed my hair because I shower in the exact same order EVERY time.” Well, I can relate, being an INTJ. I am constantly finding myself lost in thought and struggling to come back to what is going on around me. I’ve always thought of it as a layer of gauze between me and the rest of the world, a layer that I can never really lift off. And I can say that the constant distractions, interruptions and irrational behavior of small children is why I chose to not be a mother. I wouldn’t deal with it well at all. I have a hard enough time dealing with interruptions at work, at home it would be a nightmare. But I am extreme on the introvert scale, and just could not handle that much people interaction. Great post, and good explanation of Ni. It will help all those sensors out there understand why we seem so airheaded at times.
without an app to regulate any meds i have to take, I would almost certainly double-dose myself. Almost every day I have a moment of wondering if I really did something, or am remembering doing it from every day prior, or maybe I just really thought about doing it… locking doors, taking meds, getting the thing i’m in the room for… I have to arrange specific routines and checks or I’ll spend my day rechecking all work. 🙂
Thanks I can so relate (INTJ)
I walk about 10 km every day this sets me in the zone.. Music provides the backdrop, it is not that I use it to shut the worldoff but more to give my internal movie a soundtrack. I also zone out walking my dog but I can only take one at a time because two large dogs need conscious attention.
I need this because when couldn’t walk as much I got sick, stressed and depressed.
PS thank god for the INTJ resting bitch face no-one stop me and I don’t look like a grinning fool although I’m having a blast inside my head
Yes! I love walking and listening to music on my headphones, definitely super relaxing and helps me to focus and think. I can imagine it would be a lot harder to relax taking two dogs for a walk. I have one and he likes to pull me around everywhere – still working on leash training him.
Thanks for your input! I really appreciate it 🙂
total side note – I got little backpacks for my dogs, like saddlebags. They’re aussie shepherds, and this gives them a ‘job’ during walks. The behavior change was immediate, and day/night. MUCH easier to walk (and now they carry the bags, bowls, water, etc too!)
I relate to this so much. I’m married to an ENTP — another rational — and at base we are very compatible. However, superficially, his habits are a huge challenge for me. He enjoys loud TV, bright lights, and stimulating environments in general, which I find completely unnerving and crazy-making. He works in a chaotic environment that he manages with no issues whatever. He works away from home much of the time, which (sadly) helps my tolerance level. His insistence on the TV always being on has been a huge point of contention in our relationship, and when I’ve had to ask one too many times for the volume to be lowered, or if I’m just generally overstimulated, I make myself scarce and busy myself with something else in another room. He unfortunately doesn’t understand my tendency towards overstimulation, or my true need for a peaceful environment, and I have little hope that he ever will. Not complaining, really, just commiserating! Thanks for the on-point post 🙂 .
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I’m sorry I’m late in responding, life has been a little crazy lately. Oh boy! ENTPs and INFJs can get along SO well, but definitely prefer different levels of stimulation. ENTPs love to be surrounded by new ideas and thoughts and stimuli whereas INFJs/INTJs need peace and tranquility more to focus. I hope things will get better and that you will find ways to work with each other, and that he will be understanding of your needs! My thoughts go out to you for sure!
Great article. Regarding action movies, I always lost interest. They get repetitive and boring to me but I think you’ve explained it very well in pointing out how over-stimulating they are. I love being in nature taking walks. It relaxes and recharges me. I often feel out of place and even though I understand why it makes me uncomfortable. I always show a lot of interest in others & can come off as an extrovert ( if rested). But I need sooo much time to recharge! It is frustrating to me and I am desperately trying to find how I can balance everything. I feel overwhelmed so often but have to be around others so much. It is a constant struggle.
I am so sorry it can be so overwhelming! I definitely can relate. As a mother of three (going on four), I often feel overwhelmed by the noise and stimulation. Getting away to recharge is very important for INFJs and INTJs and I hope you can find a way to get that time you need, to find some peace and be able enjoy life with your friends and loved ones. Thank you for commenting and for your positive feedback, I really appreciate it!
I can relate so much to this. I’m sure a lot of people think I’m an extrovert, because I’m pretty good at faking it. But it is exhausting.
And I can’t watch Star Wars. As soon as they get to the battle scenes I fall sound asleep. I think my brain just can’t handle the overstimulation and it just shuts down.
Love the insight.. I have been struggling with feeling overstimulated at work and unfortunately there isn’t much I can do about that.
I love walking outside to free my mind. And I have found listening to instrumental music is perfect. I had switched over to mostly soundtracks for a while and then read that infjs benefit from the lack of lyrics.
It’s actually kind of ironic that I found and decide to read this article without knowing what all I was going to read about because I just got back home from being at a boat dock alone where I was by the water to try to get myself to relax.
That sounds amazing!! I hope it helped!!
I can relate to what you’re saying so much! I can be quite overstimulted at work (working at a kindergarten) when I’m with the other preschool teachers, but then I go to some kids and it’s so relaxing for my mind, cause I don’t think that much about what to say or how to act like I do when I’m around adults. Ofcourse I can be overstimulted by the kids too cause they are often really loud etc… When I get home from work I like to sit and talk to my mother (I am 20 years old and living at home) cause I do see a lot of similarities with her so I love to get in to deep conversations and bounce around some ideas. But I need like two hourse in my bed with only me-time, and then I usually google around about personalities and about my own type, infj, wich I feel is relaxing for me cause I go into my own bubble. Then I end my day with netflix! 😀
Hi, INTJ homeschool mom here! My love for the intense workouts at cross fit seems unexpected for my bookish personality, and I’ve been surprised how much I love it. This post made some things click for me. It is the one hour in my day when I am HIGHLY tethered to physical realty, and I can “get out of my brain” for a bit. There is some chatting with friends, and my kids often come with me, but I know there won’t be much TALKING for heavens sake. My kids know not to bother me when I have a barbell on hand! Whatever has been running background noise in my brain disappears for one blessed hour. It’s strange that someplace so loud can be calming to me, but it is. Thanks for the post!
Hi Brandi! It’s great to meet another homeschool mom! 🙂 🙂 I think your exercise routine sounds amazing. For me, taking long walks is a great way to unwind – oh right, I already wrote that in the post. Sorry, I forget sometimes what I’ve already written! It is so important for us Ni-dominant types to be able to get away from the noise and stimulation and just get into our own ‘groove’ and zone everything else out. I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment! 🙂
I rode on the equestrian team in college, and my biweekly lessons/practices were such a release for me, because when I was on the horse everything else was forced out, because my brain and body were both completely occupied in a silent pursuit. The only voice was the coach telling me what to do every few minutes. I had to focus, because if I lost focus the results could be disastrous. I miss that! And I totally get what you’re saying here. Probably why I go running now. 🙂
Thank you for this. I have known I was an INFJ for years, but I didn’t understand what it really meant in terms of how I process life until recently. I am the mother of two VERY active and loud special needs preschoolers…think screaming(only 4 mo the apart in age so tons of competition). We also have four dogs (yeah, I know. I love my hubby but that was not a good plan)And I have REALLY been struggling with accumulative overload. I am just fried, honestly. I am trying to get a handle on what I need to do to be the best mom that I can to them. I think I have been pushed to the point where tiny breaks aren’t too g to o it. i need one BIG break in order to get myself together and try again!
This is absolutely spot-on for me. I have a hooded top and my family are beginning to understand that if the hood is up, leave me alone! Especially if I’ve pulled the front down over my eyes too. It works as both a physical and psychological barrier for me, cutting off my eyes and ears from too many stimuli and letting my brain feel more isolated and secure. ‘Silence and Darkness’ has become something of a mantra for me in recent years.
That is such a good idea! I might have to try doing that myself! Thank you for reading the post and sharing your thoughts 🙂
I have a very difficult time getting that isolation needed to get into flow or recharge. Going to my room while others are in the house elsewhere generally stirs up a resentment in me that my time was interrupted, or a guilt in me that I cannot just deal with someone I like or love being in the same house while I do something that isn’t even really secret (art, writing, etc). But I just can’t. My best efforts to be “normal” in this regard still feel like a concession of most of my functioning, and I’m left feeling as though yes, I can work, but at diminished capacity due to awareness of the other person and an unstoppable need to remain aware of their mood, etc.
Consequently, I live apart from my significant other. We purchased a duplex and I live in one half, she in the other. It’s been years now, and I feel less ridiculous explaining the setup to people. I still feel like a baby about my inability to deal on this front, but the times I’ve lived with others (including my S.O.) I have eventually come to seriously resent them over years as I am making a low-grade concession at all times. Eventually, I’ll have a day when I’m not at my best, and that resentment (and associated guilt over it) will boil over, and everyone will generally be shocked, unaware that I was so angry over something.
INTJ here. I actually bought noise cancellation headphones at a BOSE outlet store. Seriously. They are all that get me through my 4 year old’s swim class. The pool is in the basement of the local YMCA, and there is basketball going on upstairs. BOOM BOOM splashy splashy YELL -I was getting really anxious during his class. I don’t play music through them during the class, I just turn on the noise cancellation. It really helps, and I can still hear talking and what’s going on. They just cut out the worst of it -plus the fact that I am taking some kind of action about it makes me feel better about the situation -like I have at least some control and am not “at the mercy” of noise bombardment.
This is so, so, SO me. I have four kids, and I applaud you for homeschooling, because I just don’t think I’d be able to get through it. I frequently just want to tell the kids to take a number. And I often feel bad because one of them will be doing the “Mom. Mom. Mom.” thing and I’m just lost in my own thoughts and I don’t check in until the 5th “mom”. They’ve all registered, but it just takes me awhile to tune back in.
I keep bath crayons in the shower, because that’s where all of my best ideas come to me.
I have found that lighting a candle and turning on some calming music helps me stay calmer and it seems to set a good tone with the kids as well.
My youngest just started preschool, and I’m getting 3 hours of quiet time 4 days a week, and it’s been AMAZING. I hadn’t realized how frazzled I’d really become until I started getting that again, and I’m a much better person now.
It’s nice to know there are others out there who feel this way.
Hi Kasey! Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond to your comment! I’ve definitely had the issues with not hearing the “Mom’s” before! I feel like, as an INFJ, it takes me a while to fully comprehend the present moment. It’s like I’m always playing catch up. It’s partially why I think I say “sorry, what was that?” and then realize what someone said after I’ve asked the question. It’s odd!
I love the bath crayons idea!! I might have to use that tip sometime 🙂
Enjoy those three hours a day! So glad you can get that time to recharge 🙂
Your article was so interesting and enlightening! I recently took a test and was categorized as INTJ- Your description of outside stimulation effects was spot on! As a teenager, I coped with the overwhelming stimuli with drugs (child of the 70’s/80’s), alcohol and my own blaring music. Fortunately, spiritual help was given and a renewed sense of self worth encouraged more positive coping mechanisms. I enjoy time in my art studio at the potter’s wheel, the quiet companionship of my schnauzer…and the occasional throwback to thumping music ?. It was encouraging to see in print why action moves make me feel as if I’m going to explode…the most recent Star Wars in the theater made me feel as if I would have seizures.
Thanks so much for your feedback! Your coping techniques sound amazing! Of course, I have no artistic abilities whatsoever, so my attempts at pottery or artistry of any kind would probably be appalling, but I can see how it would be very therapeutic. And totally agree with you about the Star Wars movie; I enjoyed it, but it tired me out! Thanks again 🙂
I really appreciated this article as well. I am an INTJ and I need quiet time to recharge. I can’t live with more than one other person and even then I struggle if they aren’t like me. I live with my mom right now because I’m trying to get into grad school for neuroscience and every single person in my family is extroverted and none of them understand who I am at all. My siblings just came to town and I was told that I’m a freak and that something is wrong with me. According to them, I have to get over my need for alone and quiet time because it must mean that I’m broken and not normal. Most days I wish I could just leave and never talk to any of them again but I know that that’s not really a solution. I try to explain to them that I’m different than they are and that there is nothing wrong with me because of that but the only person who tries to understand that is my mom, and she forgets a lot of time. She tries but is incapable of giving me space most days because she just forgets and talks constantly. So in the rare times I get my own quiet time I can barely do anything because I’m so drained that I have no energy left for myself. It’s just nice to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this and hopefully someday soon I’ll be able to get my own place and have a little sanctuary I can retreat to.
I relate to a lot of this. When I lift weights in the early morning, I do it in our bedroom with no lights on (just a little bit of early sun through the blinds). My husband thinks it’s totally weird, but it helps me focus and gives me more of a peaceful transition to wake mode 🙂
Doesn’t sound weird at all to me! I love being able to experience that tranquility and relief from sensory stimulation. Thanks for reading and giving me your thoughts!
I’m an INFJ married to an INTJ. I can see this in both of us. our house has lovely huge windows and we almost never need to turn the lights on because of all the daylight. However, we both prefer to spend as much time as possible in the small room that we turned into a library filled with dark bookcases and tall black desks. I will be trying the time outs this week (I am a writer and mom of 2). Great article. It’s nice to see the comparisons between INTJ and INFJ. This explains so much.
Your house sounds lovely! I’m so glad you found the article helpful, and I do hope that you can find some good techniques for finding peace as a mom of two! I’m about to have my fourth and am trying to figure out some ways to manage 🙂
Thank you for this life changing information. I teach children with High Functioning Autism and have heard stories about people who find out later in life that they’re high functioning autistic. For a moment I considered and entertained this idea because I am a very intuitive and highly sensitive INFJ the sensory overload that I experience working with the students or just the job in general makes me feel out of control a lot. But this article has shown me that I put way to much emphases on others and situations than I do myself.
As an INTJ mother, motherhood is the hardest thing I’ve ever done -because I’m never ALONE, it’s never QUIET, and I’m constantly interrupted. I can never enjoy *focus,* which is my strength and a mind-state I really enjoy. I see other mothers, with multiple children, serene and happy, and then I look at myself …slowly going crazy! It doesn’t mean I don’t love my child! I do, and I’m very focused on them. I just… am not using my strengths -except when it comes to explaining the world, or giving clear boundaries for behavior. So, I am a great parent in that way, just not the… patient golden retriever of moms. 🙂
Wow! What I would have given to know about MBTI 25 years ago when I had my kids. Lanouveau, I could have written your comment word for word. I spent 20 plus years confused and frustrated by parenting. To make matters worse, I have an ENFP daughter. We are like two different species.
It’s nice to know that I’m not alone! 🙂 Thank you for that. I worry sometimes, that my personality will put my child at a disadvantage socially, or that adapting to ME will not be to their… best benefit. Sigh.
I’m an INTJ mother who homeschools. Our eldest is tending towards ESFP (she’s only 9). I understand.
I totally relate to this. I am a highly sensitive introvert and over stimulate very easily. Thankfully I now work in a very quiet office and keep my space very low-stimuli (no overhead lights, no music), and make sure to block out alone time every day. My favorite way to end the day is taking a nice shower in the dark. I get to wash the day off of me and recharge my batteried.
I’m an 18 year old female INTJ so I don’t have to worry about kids (thank God). My biggest stress is gossip at work. Everyone wants to tell me their problems but don’t want to listen when I give advise. This irritates the heck out of me. I find myself most relaxed when I’m either at my church – never gossip, or if there is, I don’t hear about it – or running in a wooded park near my house. I often find myself wishing I lived in the country. That would be so nice. This article was very insightful. Thank you.
I’m an INFJ married to an ESTJ (makes life interesting!) and I laughed out loud at the dimming lights thing! My husband always gets frustrated because as soon as I come in a room, the lightening HAS to be perfect. And generally that means lots of lamps and no overhead lighting ?
i’m INFJ… i thought it was just me but i totally do the same thing! i need the natural light, or i use lamps and not overhead lights! (fits perfect for me going into working in ultrasound, we need the lights low all the time haha)
Excellent article. While I adore my children, I will admit that if I’d known about MBTI and particularly, my INTJ personality, I would never have had children. Yes, it was overstimulating, but that word doesn’t even begin to convey the impact of not having enough free ‘mind-space’. The inferior sensing, as you mentioned, is not to be underestimated. I’m a much happier person now that I understand what causes my distress and how to remedy it.
You know, I would even classify emotions under the category of a stimulatant. I’m utterly exhausted by excessive (to me) emotions or any kind of drama.
I’m an INFJ and reading this made me feel SO much better.. just knowing there is someone out there dealing with all of this unwanted but unavoidable over-stimulation is honestly a comfort! I also had problems with cutting in my youth when I became over stimulated as well and I am happy to say I don’t feel the need to that anymore either. Ah just knowing you aren’t alone, what a nice thing.
Agreed with the Se inferior function. My mom (INTJ) didn’t even notice when I was carrying her birthday present literally right in front of her a few days before her birthday.
A typical conversation between us:
Mom: I was driving and this annoying buzzing vibration sound went off when I veered to the left, which distracted me from applying my makeup”
Me: “that was because you were going off the highway…”
Mom: “well whatever.”
yup. lol. but I love you guys:)
(I’m INFP btw. pretty spacey myself but maybe not in the same way)
Absolutely love how you related your history of cutting with overstimulation and grounding. This was me and until a few months ago it hadn’t hit me as to why I had done that or was constantly fighting the need to do it.
The mental picture of puzzle pieces scattering when someone at work interrupts you is another part I can relate to. I work in an open cubicle style office and for me it’s TOO much. I forget so many things, that I normally wouldn’t, because of everything going on around me.
Aha! Finally someone gets it!!!! This is me ALL over…. I’m an INTJ female and no one seems to understand this about me and why I hate place like the gym, stores during the holiday season, or going up why I needed the house to be quiet while trying to do my homework.
Yes.
I get over stimulated, so noise and light are problematic. Add post-concussion syndrome and it’s much worse.
Also, as I have gotten older and with the post-concussion syndrome, I have attention deficits and am easily distracted.
After the concussion and going back to work, the INFJ sensitivity was much worse. It was so bad one day that I literally became unable to talk on the train. Luckily, I was with a friend, and she pulled me off at her stop and drove me home.
Thank you I absolutely loved this post.
Children is a concept I’m struggling with as an INTJ. I like to experience just about everything I can and I especially like things that are unique. Having a child would be a unique experience to me and there are aspects that seem great – even fun. But I also think about having someone around 99% of the time and that worries me. My husband is an INTP, so he’ll bugger off for several hours, giving us both time to just enjoy being alone. You can’t just leave a child or ask them to leave you alone for quite some time. And homeschooling, for a myriad of reasons, would be a necessity. I’m also not the most patient of people.
I’m constantly in my head with few exceptions. I dislike socializing and only have 2 genuine friends with a sprinkling of acquaintances. I couldn’t handle more than that. My husband and I love conversing but also just as much we just enjoy each other’s company in silence. My husband is fairly indifferent when it comes to people and I’m more misanthropic. We do everything that we can to avoid people.
As a strategist, I’m frustrated and feeling pressured to have kids because there’s only so big a window in which to do so; but I’m also not entirely certain I really want kids. I also feel some rare guilt over this which frustrates me more.
I enjoyed babysitting to an extent, but was always glad when the parents came home. And I never babysat younger than 5 or so. I’m also an only child and so is my husband. We’re both fairly clueless with children.
I know I would love any child I would have but I’m worried about not being good enough emotionally. I’m very affectionate with my husband under normal circumstances but when things get turbulent for one another, we’re not good for more than a, “Oh, that sucks”. some offered insight to potentially make things better, and an offering of ice cream. Emotions, by in large, make both of us very uncomfortable. And poor communication is frustrating, which is all you can have with an infant/very young child.
Wow, I typed a lot. This had been brewing in me for quite some time and I just saw a forum with psychology minded people and thought that maybe I could be understood and even helped here. A big “thank you” in advance to anyone who actually read all this and replied.
Funny things happen when INTJs have kids (though I can really only speak for myself, an XNTJ and INTJ parents I’ve observed). All that overthinking about becoming a parent becomes virtuous if/when you one day are a parent. You rarely if ever dismiss your responsibility, and are more likely to dismiss the things you don’t find useful (maybe, um, social parenting things? just guessing). My husband is an ISTP. Together we’ve raised an ISTJ, an IXTJ, and Lord help me, I think my third child is an ENFP. There is humor and irony in this wild ride. And you would probably be an awesome parent. Every type has something to offer as a parent! My kids all are comfortable with solitude, independent, and self-sufficient (when not over-scheduled).
Thank you so much. I felt quite a bit better even just getting that off my chest. Good luck with your potential feeling extrovert. haha
I think that is why I’ve come to only like watching TV that makes me think or where I’m learning, like shark tank and HGTV. Painting is awesome for this type because you can think while you are painting and get into that zen like state.
I am exactly this way, though an older version. My children are grown and on their own now so because I have the time, I find myself crawling into my bed throughout the day just to be alone and try to sort out all the thoughts in my head. It’s not about sleep, it’s about finding a way to calm myself from over stimulation and a head that feels like it could explode. I still have a hard time answering my phone when I’m not prepared to talk. I feel guilty about this but I just can’t bring myself to answer until I’m mentally ready. Being an older woman I was not aware of the personality types throughout my younger years and my controlling husband convinced me that there was something seriously wrong with me. Going to a therapist who told me this is just my personality was such a relief. I wish I had known this when I was younger as my self esteem was distroyed. At 62, for the first time in years, I actually like myself. Articles like yours bring comfort to me. I am so glad to read that as a young mother you understand your personality. It is a blessing to be the way we are and no one should ever tell us otherwise. Learning how to restore yourself from overstimulation is so import for you and your children and it makes me happy to read how you are imbracing who you are. Thank you so much for your article I will save it to read over when I need reinforcement.
Hi Susan! Thanks so much for responding and reading my post! I am so sorry that you dealt with being so misunderstood in your younger years. It is so easy for these two types to be misunderstood because they make up such a minority. Also, until recently extroversion was definitely seen as preferred and “healthy” whereas introversion was considered more of an aberration. I am so glad that now you are enjoying who you are and embracing it. I hope that you have many wonderful peaceful days ahead of you! I’m so glad you let me know your thoughts <3
Thank you for responding. I just read the best seller “Quiet” by Susan Cain. Alot of good information on introverts.
I can relate to the cutting thing in a sense of mine isn’t cutting but picking at pimples or any kind of bump I find anywhere on myself, I work in retail which is wierd because I really don’t like socializing and when I am home I like to stay home, my husband gets upset with me and calls me a hermit but he is a total opposite, he is extrovert all the way, he gets on yo me constantly for the picking and scolds me like I’m a kid and it makes me feel like a kid that is being scolded and it does nothing but makes me want to do it more, so bad that I have problem areas on my buttock and legs, it’s embarrassing but I just can’t seem to not do it, also I feel like he is clingy but we do work opposite schedules and he may just want to spend as much time with me as he can but I can feel smothered but being introvert I just keep my rants to myself until I get to a breaking point and then I can get a little snappy and super irritable over the smallest stuff but after reading this it helps me understand a little more about my behavior, thank you
Thank you so much for your insight. This really explains why my former work situation, though a good job, just didn’t work for me. And as a mom to 3 boys, I get so wound up over little things and now that they have friends over (a LOT, particularly on the weekends!) I feel like there is constant chaos in my space and I have no place to hide. They are good kids, but it is hard to get that downtime. Sounds like it is pretty normal to be a completely exhausted INFJ/INTJ parent. I definitely need more time in nature.
I wish I could say I am charitable when dealing with overstimulation. I will get angry, hostile, even lash out verbally if people add to my stress in some way. Finding myself in an extreme busy cycle (which tends to be often) will also drain my patience. I “medicate” with food when I’m stressed out, which I’m trying to curb. I would appreciate any non-judgmental advice anyone could give to me.
This was awesome! I found myself nodding and laughing throughout. I never realized I react negatively when over stimulated. This was very insightful.
I’m an INFJ, and I personally find that when the “puzzle pieces” feel scattered in my brain due to overstimulation, stress, or whatever else, I can get my mind back into focus by working on some type of brain teaser/puzzle type thing. By forcing myself to focus on solving a small, solvable puzzle, I feel more capable of solving the larger puzzle of whatever I’m thinking about in life at the moment.
Wow, I’ve started stumbling on articles about INFJ’s and totally understand a lot about why I do what I do now… which I appreciate (ha!). I’m double majoring in college in Physics and Comparative Religious Studies, and have tons of homework every day. I get so frustrated with my roommate if/when he turns on the kitchen sink, or takes a bowl out of a cabinet, while I’m doing work. And I can easily just lose it due to the stress levels. My phone is pretty much constantly on silent, and no one understands why I do this when I’m not in classes, but now I do. I thought I got overstimulated because I have ADD, and some compulsive tendencies, which could still be true, but I feel like what I just read explains the overstimulation in an integrative, and much more complete way.
As an INFJ, I need a considerable amount of downtime after being overstimulated. I didn’t realize this until I met my husband and his family. He has a large family and holiday gatherings for me take a large amount of energy. After a few hours, I became very withdrawn without even realizing it and my husband often asked me what was wrong and I would tell him I wanted to leave, not knowing I was overstimulated. Now, over time, I can handle those situations a bit better and for longer periods of time. However, once I get to a certain level, I am done and ready to go. After, I find I really like just being in a quiet, naturally lit, possibly darker room to rest. Other times, I like to take quiet walks without my headphones, or if I do take headphones, I listen to slower music. I’ve also found that long, warm baths help relax and gather my thoughts.
I am a INFJ mother homeschooling 4 children. Some days the only way I make it through the day is with ear plugs. I also make it a point to get up an hour before the kids so I can start the day in tranquility and quiet. Time outs in my dark, quiet room under a pile of pillows and blankets help if I get overwhelmed and need to start over. I also send everyone to separate rooms or require a no talking time if it gets too crazy!
I’m homeschooling 4 children as well ages 4-9, I’m an INTJ, and I send everyone to separate rooms all the time…in fact, I convinced my husband to finish rooms in our basement so each child can have his own room, which helps with my housekeeping and organizing routine. I have trained the kids at an early age to go on no-talking / quiet rest time in the car when need be (I try not to impose this all the time, only as a last resort, because I don’t want to be selfish and re-orient the entire universe to suit me, although that would be nice!). Every afternoon year round I have quiet rest time either in separate rooms or no more than 2 to a room, or outside where they could all be together if they want. I also give myself an hour in the morning before the kids are up, and I have a bad habit of staying up late reading, gaming, or researching, (let’s face it, I’m mostly on Pinterest!) just because I relish the alone time.
I’m an INFP with this problem.
I work in a kitchen with lots of machinery and yelling. I use noise cancelling earbuds (with no music) to focus. If a coworker talks to me, I forget what I was doing and have to rewalk myself through the process. My ten minute break has become sacred because I can think clearly alone.
I’m not trying to force my way into the Ni club, but maybe it has something to do with intuition in general.
LOL! I feel like I’ve found “my people”. This is my life…earplugs and calming music and the perpetual ignoring of “mom mom mom” because I’m so in my head. I have also been homeschooling and after 11 years it’s time to stop. With an ESTP husband and an ESFP kid at home and a yet to be typed little one,who is quite the handful, Im exhausted. Feel like Im functioning from that negative perspective all the freaking time these days.
Tell me what you all do to help get the space you need when there doesn’t seem to be space to be had and those around you don’t get why you’re so irritable?!
As an INTJ, I totally agree with this! If a loud car drives down the street, I find myself getting angry at the driver’s lack of consideration for the peace of the residents. While at work, if people whistle or speak to loudly near my cubicle, I get annoyed as hell sometimes and have to leave (take a walk, go to the restroom, etc.) to calm down and wait for them to stop. I joke with a few of them because I know it’s my issue, not theirs, and they kid me about it and some even try to accommodate me a bit but I still have to leave my cubicle once a week or so when it’s too disturbing. Fortunately, I work in IT so there are a lot of other introverts here but we do have a few loud, talkative extraverts, bless their hearts. Sigh…
I am incredibly sensitive to sounds and smells and sights as well. To deal with this, I have my yard planted with pretty shrubs in front of the windows and fragrant flowers along the path to my door so my views out the windows while at home and from around the yard are pleasant. I love that! Also it is important that my home is beautiful on the inside. It is. 🙂
I pretty much adore total silence any chance I get. I never listen to the radio in the car anymore for example. I find myself much more happy and able to be mentally productive that way. If I find myself required to be around too much noise (like loud ass trucks) I can actually start to feel resentful of people/drivers and will entertain the thought of moving out to the country. But I do prefer the city, so. Having Se does feel a bit like a curse though. But it IS nice to enjoy the positive aspects as well. Like in college my friend made fun of me for marveling at the beautiful green color in the grass. I often marvel at lovely packaging in the store or delicious smelling candles or food. MMmmmmm. 🙂 So that is nice.
I’m somewhat relieved to see that I’m not the only one with cutting issues. I never thought of it from an MBTI perspective, but it makes sense now in a way. Ty for that insight.
As an INFJ personality type I can relate so much to over stimulation. I never realized this was a problem for me until I met my husband and his family. He has a large family. After a few large family gatherings, he pulled me aside one day and basically told me I had an attitude and wanted to know what was going on. It was then it occurred me I was having problems dealing with all the noise and chaos and just wanted to go home. Over time I have learned how to deal with the over stimulation better and have learned my limits and when to go home before becoming completely withdrawn. I worked with a child who had Autism. I felt like I understood the child better because I know what it feels like to be over stimulated. Now, when I get home from larger gatherings and groups of people I know I can go to my room, usually with it darker and quiet and breathe. I also find myself deep in thought and have to bring myself back to reality. I need time to process everything I witness and feel.
I have an extremely chatty older son. Being an introvert, this is very tough for me to deal with when he’s not at school. Putting on some soothing or up tempo music (songs we can sing to) while we play both helps me have a touchpoint to focus on and keeps him occupied a bit. Otherwise, taking the kids to the park or similar so I can get a mental break helps too. Also reading to the kids is one of my happiest times. But otherwise it is a huge struggle, & makes me feel like I’m failing a lot. It’s nice to hear others have similar issues!
Thank you for the insights. I am an intj and it is always fortifying to see people expressing similar experiences and feelings. My time as a mom with a young child was just as you described. Walks with the stroller were a lifesaver, with my grandkids too!
I’ve been in the grip of extraverted sensing for years. I have two children who will turn 5 and 3 at the end of the summer. The last five years have been the most challenging of my life.
This last year saw my parents moving in with us. Six people in a three bedroom house! I’ve never been so desperate for quiet alone time, and I’ve never had so little opportunity for it. I am never, ever alone (my two year old). The volume on everything is cranked up to maximum, including on the kids themselves lol. There is clutter and mess *everywhere*. I get overstimulated in the first five minutes of the day just walking downstairs; the debris and crumbs on the floor, the laundry filling the hallway, the piles of things on the stairs because I’m the only one who takes things upstairs but I forget half the time. And the noise and tactile sensations start *before* I wake up. My son wakes me up by crawling in with me and cuddling, which is awesome, and which I participate in fully… But it’s a lot and by the time noon arrives I am so done.
My extraverted sensing took over a long time ago. I eat pounds – literally pounds – of chocolate in an evening, and I frequently play video games all night. Why don’t I sit in a darkened room and think during that time? Because the others don’t go to bed until well after midnight, and I’m up at 5:00 AM with the kids.
I hope desperately that I will find a solution to this. I love my family so, so deeply and passionately, but the guilt eats me alive, because I am almost constantly trying to get away from them. It kills me. I’ll regret the way I delayed coming home so often when they’re older, but I can’t survive otherwise.
Worse, two of the other three adults in my household are extraverts and quite enjoy the chaos and constant stimulation. Which would work out, wouldn’t you think? Let them handle some of the crazy loud and bouncy stimulation? Sure, they do, but they make their disapproval known. I’m an airhead, daydream too much, lazy because I always want to lie down alone. Anti-social. I never want to talk in the evenings, obsessed with video games. No, I’m obsessed with being in another world where I have some control and my #_&@? progress is SAVED for the next time! Not like real life, when every morning I start over from scratch, putting things away that were already put away twice yesterday, etc.
For so long, I believed what my family thought about about me. I watched my mommy friends barely break their stride in conversations when interrupted and who can do three chores at once and never seem to get tired of the company of their own kids. I felt like such a failure. I still struggle with it. I used to be really proud of being an INFJ. Now I feel like it’s almost a disability on top of being deaf and dealing with a mood disorder. I find myself expressing my shadow traits (for me, that’s unhealthy ESTP traits) more and more in an effort to cope.
But at least now I know that nearly all INFJs struggle with these aspects of parenting and living with other people. I’m not yet proud again to be an INFJ, but articles and comments like these have gone a long way to alleviating some of the shame and guilt. Thanks for writing it! Sorry my comment got so long. 😛
Let me recommend earplugs and an eye mask. You can delegate one of the other adults to be on night watch. They can wake you if needed. It was the most healthy thing I ever did for myself. Good sleep is a great antidote for the need to burrow (into another reality or a pound of chocolate).
Earplugs are a godsend !
Sorry, I meant to say that I’m never alone (my two year old sleeps in the same room with me.
It’s really good to hear that being introverted on any level is normal. I can also understand from experience the cutting in the teen/young adult age. It was a sort of release when your surroundings became to be too much. I’m a single mother of two kids, ages 8 & 11. My 8yo. is a seeker and extremely extroverted. She’s loud, talkative, and when frustrated she screams. Ack! My 11yo is introverted like me, but needs constant physical affections. Hugs every few minutes etc. So I was shocked to read that its normal to want to run away for awhile. To need time outs. For sanity sake. So thank you for sharing with us so we don’t feel so alone and guilty!
I’m a INTJ turned INFJ. Really thankful to have come across this because sometimes I get symptoms of anxiety just because of thoughts like “the world is using too much electricity” and I’d itch to turn off every light in the house and hide somewhere dark to feel better. But also, I have this intense anxiety of rape even though I didn’t go through anything too traumatic. Not sure if this is due to overstimulation from the external environment (boys often reveling in talking about sexual issues and exerting that alpha male attitude, or media exploiting rape or sex as part of the storyline.), or is it just me :(.
For me getting out into the world to walk around made me feel lots better and less caged. Being in a big room/ lounge without people is the best. But when someone comes in to study/ use the room, I get uncomfortable.
INTJ here. I find this to be very true and although 2 out of my 3 children have grown and gone now, this post, along with the comments, took me back. My problem was always getting lost in ‘cleaning the house’, when in reality, I was lost in thought.
When the children were young, I would have immense guilt when one of my children would cry out in frustration, “Mom, STOP cleaning and pay attention to me!” It was also an easy way to avoid dealing with their intense emotions (2 out of 3 being INFPs). I wasn’t sure how to handle them.
I will say to any mothers struggling with guilt associated with this, your children will be okay! I’ve had in depth conversations with them and apologized excessively for not truly being there when I should have. Today, they have a better understanding. Thanks for the read!
I’ve been asking myself, an INFJ, why am I so shy and avoidant of people my whole life. (I’m 59.) I’m like a teenager, who looks away when being talked to. Why am I so afraid to go visit people? I have a hard time opening up, speaking up, focusing, being calm, handling my energy, and I do have a lot of nervous energy. I think it’s probably a problem of needing grounding. I’m a whirling dervish. I sail in, spout what I’m there for, and wheel out again as fast as I entered, without ever taking a moment to ask, ‘how are you?” My energy is out of wack. So I’ve been looking into it, and I have come to the conclusion that making connections with people requires being in the body to a certain extent. So I got the idea to follow the rational thought of the people I am engaging with, a physical thing, and my ability to make connections with people is much improved. I am politer, less rushed, less flippant, more careful, more caring, more social, less afraid, more confidant in myself, more patient. It’s made a huge difference for me. Just wanted to share, because I think it’s a Ni/Se thing. I agree that we need to develop Se.
Does this corelate to mental issues like OCD?
This is so true. I can’t drive and have the music on st the same time. If I am really enjoying the scenery it makes me anxious to hear background music or noise.
How long are these ‘shorts brakes’ usually are?
These are always interesting (as in the article); as it shows in different parsects how different INFJ/Intuitive types respond to stimuli and how they deal with them accordingly.
I am a high functioning INFJ, so, although my Se can get rather overenthused sometimes – I’ve noticed that I’m not as effected by cluttered spaces (we are talking about like clothing and things in my own space) as long as it’s not garbage or needless debris. Now, after a bit it needs to be set up accordingly, but I’ve read a lot about how this is mostly a big deal to have a super clean space. I guess I’m just so comfortable as I know where everything is usually (unless it falls behind something, and even then if I don’t ‘freak out’ I know it’s still in the direct vicinity) that clothes in funny piles or art supplies strewn about doesn’t trigger me.
Now, loud noises and bright lights do bother me. Loud noises especially get a very aggressive reaction – yet when I’m at concerts I’m more disconcerted by the amount of people. I can stomach it though for a time; however I can tell as my ‘batteries’ deplete I become far more compliant to my baser ‘feeling’ of discomfort and aggression. That many people and their differect ‘sensations’ really kick up a lot of proverbial ‘dirt’ – I can say Bumbershoot was an experience from a couple weeks ago. Proved I’ve grown leaps and bounds but I’m still very susceptible to become aware of my surroundings, others infringing on my space, and since I’ve got a close connection to my ‘animal’ instincts that settle in the ley lines of my thought processing…you can imagine getting butted into, touched, or banged can cause some major reactions that takes a lot of ‘grounding’ to keep from flying off the handle.
As a child I was not adept at this, and would either act out in aggression or terror. Thankfully, my Fe and Ti tend to pull off a lot of logical reasoning (especially the latter) as I try to process everything invading my Ni now a days that I’m able to stop it in its tracks and find a place to ‘zen out’ to pull everything together in the deeper vestibules of my mind.
I’m not really big on a lot of the new age terms, but they tend to make more of an impact for those who follow that course. Suffice to say, I’m usually finding myself easiest to slip into the deepest parts of my Mind when I’m at work (graveyard shift with no one around), at home curled up in bed usually in the dark, and when I’m restless and driving my car listening to music with no real point of origin in mind.
I am always thinking though, and can say I’ve done the same mentioned…questioning if I washed my hair already, etc. Usually it permeates with ‘did I lock the door…’ or ‘did I turn off -insert item here-‘.
Let’s just say my Inner voice tends to say ‘yeah you did, trust me.’ And I’ve been trying to stick to that reasoning, since it’s pretty much on point as it’s relays parts of the memory of turning something off, etc. It’s more the conscious doubt I have as an old ghost – but my intuition has been understandably far more terrifying in my older years at being correct that doubting it can be more of a trigger then anything. Self Awareness is a thing; Inviduation process being a major precursor and all that jazz.
Anyway, I of course enjoyed the article and probably could have gone on into a longer discourse but I feel this is prudent enough, haha.
Have a good one.
The puzzle pieces description was perfect. I always describe it to my husband as my brain “fritzing out” when there is too much stimulus (specifically auditory), but the puzzle piece description is a much better visual. It’s so helpful to understand what is happening in my brain during those moments. As someone with 3 small children (5,3,11months), it always bothers me that I can so overwhelmed and frustrated with being interrupted. Sometimes half the battle is understanding what is happening in order to overcome it.
I have an INFJ friend who is overwhelmed by televisions in restaurants and waiting rooms. Even if there’s no sound, the flashing of the screens is incredibly distracting to her.
This is so interesting. I didn’t realize my aversion to loud outbursts, bright screens and tv had anything to do with my personality traits.
Same.. My mind can get crazy and uncomfortable in a loud/bright environment.. I wish I can live in a peaceful house/dim light etc… or in a dark place when I can alone with my mind for a moment ..
Now I know why when I get up in the morning I prefer stumbling about in the dark . I cannot bear to put lights on.
Bright light in the bathroom is another pet hate .
TVs ( unless I’m watching) yuck ! , fluorescent lights in hospital wards ( aaargh ! I used to be a midwife and constantly went round dimming the ward lights to soothe postnatal mothers!)
This is such interesting information and makes so much sense
I’m INTJ Mom of six boys (bio and adopted) and I have my boys trained to ride quietly in a quiet car. If I’m feeling generous there might be pleasant music. I’ve been known to say, “Stop hijacking my brain! Be quiet (son).”
“We are going to ride all the way to (an hour’s drive away) and you may think your own thoughts and look out the window.”
It has made my life soooooo much more pleasant!
This is 100% me and, although I’ve had such feelings for a long time, I could never put them into words, so thank you! Also, as someone above has said, I hadn’t ever thought about it having anything to do with my personality type
I totally agree with the gist of this article! The thing I enjoy doing the most is reading and thinking. I just cannot function when my surrounding environment has distractions – be it loud noises, bright lights or too many people around. I’m an INTJ.
I’ve only started realising how much I identify with the INFJ type now after doing the MBTI test about 17 years ago. It surprised most of my work colleagues to discover I was an introvert then. I now have three children and whilst I loved the early stages of babyhood, it became so difficult to cope with when I had a baby, toddler and school age. I’ve always hated overhead lights, strong windy weather, and other people’s loud music. I have really sensitive tastebuds and people wanting to touch me – leaves me wanting to punch them at the end of a busy day! The best thing that’s happened has been separating from their father. I now get a whole day and evening to myself, one day a week. It never feels enough and whilst I love my children unconditionally, I think I’ve got ten years or so of solitude to reclaim. The invasive feel of phone calls has been exacerbated by FaceTime, and I avoid it where possible. I’m much happier using my phone to connect with someone via text, who understands me. Reading, drawing, creating – even tidying – all make me feel like the daily buzz of the world (I have tinnitus too) has reduced. Ideally I’d like to withdraw from the world and when I miss it, to rejoin. Never works like that though with three kids, work and a narcissistic ex!
I swear you have my identical life! 4 kids instead of 3, 2 adult and 2 teen boys who overstimulate me to the brink of insanity! I run an operating room in a very busy inner city trauma center, and have a narcissist ex who is constantly jockeying for for control of my life! Silence is a rare and coveted thing in my life!
I never realized my outright hatred of fluorescent lights is related to being an INTJ. I can even hear them buzzing when no one else can. I feel a little less weird now.
There are some movies I find I just can’t watch, and now it makes sense. There’s too much going on with the camera angles. I got physically ill when I tried to watch Man On Fire with Denzel and Dakota Fanning. It made me sad, because it’s such a good movie. I can listen to it, but I can’t watch it.
I also feel more comfortable in a darkened room, which my mom and sister don’t understand, and need almost total darkness to sleep. I’m not alone in all my sensory weirdness!!!
Hiya! Overstimulated, insomniac, homeschooling, INTJ here! Thanks for a great article!! I am starting a blog and an organization with a friend that will focus on therapy, education, and services for fellow sensitive empaths. I am reaching out to all of you because I have this sneaking suspicion that INTJs have a tendency to be empaths. Do you find this to be true?
I agree. I’m a 37 year old make INTJ consistently rested as since 5th grade. (Latter test results prob don’t count because I believe I’m an intj)
Excellently written. I’ve just recently realized that overstimulation is a reality for me. Talk about eye-opening…A very important foundational piece of knowledge. Thanks for your ideas and insight.
I’m so glad this was helpful to you! I hope over-stimulation gets easier for you! Thanks for your feedback 🙂
For years I didn’t like opening the curtains of my room and now I know why. I never thought that it had anything to do with my personality type.I never quite liked noisy environments either because it could get so overwhelming and I couldn’t think properly. And I’m guilty of the same thing, I tend to forget whether I’ve already washed my hands or not before a meal etc ,it’s become a little less over the last year though I still hate it when someone turns on the light of my room in the morning because it’s so harsh.Before I forget, I’m an INFJ
So helpful! Thanks…from one INFJ parent to another! I love your posts by the way!
Thanks so much! I’m so glad you’re enjoying them 🙂
Oh wow, now I understand why I’m prone to overindulging – loud music, booze, etc. I had no idea it had to do with my Se function being triggered….very insightful.
This article is so extremely helpful! I’m an INTJ and my wife is an INFJ. We homeschool our four kids, ages 9, 7, 5, and 3. Needless to say, we can both relate to this article like you can’t believe! It’s really nice to feel some validation in the midst of constantly feeling like a misfit… Thank you for the post!
This is really me! I get physically ill when the house is noisy. Thank you so much for this article. I’m happy to know that I am not the only one who gets overstimulated.
This is such a relief to me. I have always, since a child, had a habit of going to the bathroom and locking the door when feeling overwhelmed, bith at home and at social events. I find the combination of trying to navigate all those other peoples thoughts and emotions too much at times. Sometimes i return from one of my shifts as a mental health nurse and play my music incredibly loud and dance until my body is exhausted, I also sometimes overeat to the point of uncomfortable fullness. I find i cannot relax until my house is tidy and my lights are always kept low. My significant others is a hoarder and he doesn’t understand why his home causes me near physical anguish. Other times i hide under my covers in a dark room for 24-48 hours until I have processed my thoughts and feelings. I have felt so long that these habits were unique to me and faults or oddities. Discovering that these traits are not unusual in INFJs has enabled me to accept myself more.
Immediately forgetting if I shampooed or not… What’s worse is my hands have become quantum teleportation gates. The closer something is to being in my hands, the further it is from my person.
But I am sought out for creative problem solving.
I am happy to know there are others out there since INTJs only make up about 2% and I’m a female so making up even less it is very nice to know there are more out there whom exist and I am not a horrible parent for leaving my boys to do their thing while I sit in my dark bedroom. I believe things are mind over matter however sometimes I feel like a baby and also get ill being over stimulated. Thank you sharing your blog!
Oh my goodness. How refreshing it is to read this. I ALWAYS have issues with lights in the room and work hard to establish a really “Zen-like” lighting environment. I never related this to my personality. And yes, I find that people do not understand my need to take a “time-out” after being so seemingly extroverted. I am so glad to find this site and these articles as I feel I am really starting to understand who I am and embrace it fully. Without apology.
Hahaha….. I am an male INTJ. I disagreed with the comment about not knowing how many times you have have done something …like washing hair because of deep thought…. that was until I found myself trying to use toothpaste to wash my hands…… thank you.. it made me laugh.
I’ve been there too! a few days ago I went to do my post-bath routine, which consists of passing moisturizer to the hair and moisturizer on the face. But then I started to get caught up in thoughts, and by the time I realized I had passed all the rest of the facial moisturizer on my hair. When I saw it was already late, I had to go back impatiently to the shower, wash all the hair again and finally pass the cream right in the hair, haha! On this day I was worried about how crazy it was what I could do when I was running on “autopilot”. I even thought that I would have ADHD or something, because of the mess I was able to do when I was distracted by my thoughts, but now I understand that it is something of INFJ. Curious, I would never have associated this with a psychological type!
Ok, the shampoo thing made me think. I often forget things, like when I have to cook something during 25 minutes, and I watch the clock, and instantly forget the time. Then I have a problem when to remove the food from the oven. Or I just go to the room for something and when I arrive, I don’t know what I wanted to do. I was really worried about my “memory losses”, but now I am getting an idea. I think I am in my inner world most of the times. Thank you for this post.
I feel I constantly need quiet time. As I am ageing slowly, I am less tolerant with loud noises, and it can really hurt when I am not prepared, for example suddenly kids start a ball game around. Sometimes I feel it would be better to move to an island alone, but my next insight is always that at this point I would miss the persons around me.
I have noise cancelling earmuffs/ear defenders, when I am overstimulated, that silence makes me calm down quite easily.
Read this article it suddenly becomes so clear to me why I (being an INFJ) love the song “Waiting for the Night” by Depeche Mode that much! You should give it a listen.
As a teenager I struggled with overeating (especially when hiding in the bathroom) or sometimes not eating at all. That was a very stressful time in my life when I felt like I had no one to relate to. My mother is an extrovert and never understood me. Told me I was too serious, too sober, needed to go out more, forced me to go to social activities that I didn’t want to go to. I see some of the same tendencies in my one soon who is an INTJ. He enjoys eating ice cream in the bathtub after school, lol. I am trying hard to make sure he gets the alone time he needs to unload his brain after school. Poor kid used to come home and be so upset if any of his classmates got in trouble during school. I’m so thankful to hear similar stories from other INFJs to realize that I am not as crazy add I thought I was. It’s healthy for me to have time for myself and now I know how to avoid and cope with stress in healthier ways.
Recently I’ve been having a bit of a struggle in determining if I’m a INTJ, INTP or ISTJ. I know free online tests aren’t reliable but most of the time I get INTJ so that is the one I’m most focused on debunking or proving correct.
For me this is quite interesting and makes me think I may actually be one. When I was little I was really sensitive to the light but always thought it was due to having sensitive eyes, though, my biggest clue is that when I’m in crowded places I’m extremely aware of my surroundings, and if there is music that I consider unpleasant (specially at a high volume), I’m at risk of having a panic attack. Nowadays I always carry my earphones wherever I go, so that when I find myself in a situation like that at least I can shut the noise off by listening to music I actually like.
I do the same thing with the dimmer switches in my house! Everyone calls me a vampire. Even sunlight is too harsh on my eyes at times. I had to get transition lenses because I would do nothing but squint all the time. Shopping is also an overstimulation nightmare. I turn into the most miserable person ever and all my mom and sisters can do is look at me and go, “What’s the matter with you?”
As an INTJ, I could have written this account of how external stimulation affects us and how our minds work. I often struggle with how flighty appearing this makes me, when I typically sense I’m more grounded in reality, and willing to deal directly with unpleasantness, than most others. Thank you for this post!
I can understand the time with the teacher and having to circle left or right hand. I was skipping my first grade reading time. I didn’t like how the teacher was teaching me. Yup, I stayed back 🙂 Or at nine years old, wanted to take a bath with No One home.
My 33 year old son and his 30 year old fiancée are physicists and have lived together several years in a tiny garage turned studio. Even during Covid, they worked, taught classes online, ate everything in that studio and were perfectly content. They did go jogging almost daily and zoom calls with family but told me they actually were happier in that situation than during the pre-Covid world because external life and people stress them. My son is the rare INFJ male. (Kind, throughtful, romantic, deep thinker) and she is an INTJ (brilliant astrophysicist)
I keep earplugs in my home office and bedroom, and carry them when I travel. I wear them a lot for peace and quiet.
For me, it’s touch. My husband is always disappointed by how agitated I get whenever he touches me unprompted. But I don’t think he understands that once I’m engaged in my inner world, an unexpected touch rips me from my thoughts and it can be rather traumatic and distressing. I try to accept it, but it’s similar to when you’re suddenly hyper aware of your breathing, and now no matter how hard you try, this usually mundane task is now difficult and uncomfortable. And while I’m not usually one for validation, I’m glad that this is not an unusual occurrence.
I avoid loud most of the time. I have been off work and staying with my elderly parents for a few months to help my mom after a hospital stay. It’s been a great break but now I am faced with returning to my job as a cook in a very busy daycare center… even though I adore the children the pace of my day and the interruptions is not something I am looking forward to. The blessing is I am single/no kids so when I go home it’s complete down time and quiet. I use noise protection earmuffs even in my apartment to block out lawnmowers and snow blowers and any other outside noise that irritates me.
INTJ here – I need alone time more often than others. Some understand, some don’t. I can spend days on end by myself just to prepare to spend time with other people. I have a rather low social battery and can be drained of social energy very quickly. Loud unexpected music, a television, or anything that produces sound is extremely irritating to me unless I am in a particular mood where I don’t mind the loud noise which is somewhat uncommon. Bright lights agitate me and make me restless to the point where I don’t turn lights on sometimes. Loud whistling noises actually piss me off and send me into fight or flight. Flight is usually the chosen method. Chaotic energies and vibes from other people I can sense from a mile away. These energies and vibes tire me out very quickly so I often avoid people who produce those types of feelings. Sometimes I wear ear plugs just to drown out any external noise. If I want to accomplish any of my work responsibilities, I have to lock myself away in a room where its quiet, somewhat dark, and where no one will bother me.
Bless you. Four migraines a week are way too much, particularly with five kids. My wife used to have them too. You might try daily supplementation of ferrous fumerate (a more absorable form of iron). She had less headaches and more energy once she started taking it.
Working with my hands is my way of getting alone time. Most people see it as work, therefore they usually avoid being around me. Some of my best thoughts, understanding and revelations come when I am deeply involved in repairing the broken world around me.
Also avoiding crowds of any kind. I can effectively block out the background noise, but that causes one to lose situational awareness, not a good thing in today’s society.